A big lie leading to extreme distancing? Feels like I'm in a push push cycle now

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello people,


I've posted about my struggles with him before but as a refresher. there's a large age gap, of course he was the one who initially spent all the effort and energy getting me to be close to him, I absolutely welcomed his advances, things were incredible and during the idealization phase I did almost everything right except taking things too slow at times, which I always feared he could take as rejection but I was worried about his recent break up and the age gap (as in it being a problem for him), the label of the relationship didn't matter to me, I just loved what we had. Talked all day, were close, the trust, and innocece. I don't think I need to elaborate. My devaluation came and at this point I'm almost certain after I was feeling sick and he had been talking at me and not to me all day (I don't know if anyone had this during idealization but that was my definition of a bad day back then), he would just keep talking non stop about anything and everything but did not pay attention to me (some days, which I called the walking on sunshine days were great, back and forth), so that fateful day I threw up and told him how bad I was feeling, even that got ignored so at that point I snapped at him and he did react immediately and listened to what I had to say but 2 days later the nightmare began. Woke up to no texts from him for the first time in months, I experienced the dreaded distancing for the first time and it threw me off and freaked me out. He had been talking about a haircut he was getting that day for weeks, it was so bad that he didn't even want to send me pictures of the haircut (when 2 days before I'd be getting 20 pictures a day from him). So I naturally tried to figure out what was going on (eventually all those texts were screenshotted to make me seem obsessive to his friends.

That was a real nightmare but had a small bounce back a week later when he had a job interview and I woke up early to text him good luck (he responded by claiming he was sure it was a pre programmed message but when he realized it wasn't he went back to sweet immediately and started sending me the usual stuff as well, I got unpunished so to speak. For about 6 weeks we had up and downs with another horrible epiosode that involves a ton of hurtful stuff which would require a separate post, but we got through that. After all that back and forth, back in mid July he got evicted and was forced to go live with his dad. Had to quit his job too. I told him I would have his back financially until he got a new job and I didn't mind doing so at all. By the time he moved in he was in a kind of normal state towards me, sharing normally, not walling me off, we did some job hunting together but then something really bothersome started happening. Every time I did something big for him (as in covering a big expense or doing something nice) he would immediately intensify the pushing. One day he had a day trip with friends, I woke up early again to with him luck and make sure he had what he needed, I got the cold treatment for 2 to 3 days. During that time the push pull was as intense as it ever was and he was already holding back a lot of things from me. It's hurtful to have someone wall you off when you're literally proving how much you are there for them, the issue of them not being able to process real unconditional love looms large.

On his mom's birthday, around the middle of last month, he asked me to help him put something together (she's no longer with us, it's a sad story so it meant a lot to him to do something for her on her birthday) we did, I got everything he asked me to. After that day it has been absolutely impossible to get close. If I try to talk about it he gets defensive, claims the conversations ruin his day, he denies I even have a reason to want to have the conversations. He also radically changed his sleep schedule, from being a night owl like myself he started getting up at 6 am every day and never gave me an explanation, I was fearing he was talking to someone in a different time zone. There are about 10 other issues that were absolutely killing me but then last Thursday something hit me. Mostly because on Wednesday he told me he had an interview the next day which I know for a fact he never made. When I asked if he made it he said he did and he was offered the job. Another person living at his dad's house had no idea about the interview when I briefly talked to them and they should have since they allegedly got him the interview. Basically everything is pointing to me that the new sleep schedule matches perfectly when he actually started this new job, he didn't just get the interview, he has been working there for a month. He kept me out for whatever reason, either it just coincided with a push cycle and he didn't bring me up to speed or he wasn't ready to let go of the financial support so he lied to me. Either way and for some reason I wouldn't be mad at all. I believe that this theory explains everything that had been driving me crazy. I'd rather have 1 big "understandable" lie than 10 things that could lead to much worse things.

Now the real question is, does anyone think that shame and guilt coming from this lie would be enough to explain the extreme distancing and shutting me out from everything (mind you I can't even see his instagram stories now)? I think that would explain a lot of it. He's now trying to bring me up to speed with the truth and said last Saturday this was the last week he'd be needing me to help him with some expenses so he's clearly trying to make it right but the shame might linger. Would it be a bad idea to let him know I know and i'm not mad and I understand?

[dowhatittakes]

Hello people,


I've posted about my struggles with him before but as a refresher. there's a large age gap, of course he was the one who initially spent all the effort and energy getting me to be close to him, I absolutely welcomed his advances, things were incredible and during the idealization phase I did almost everything right except taking things too slow at times, which I always feared he could take as rejection but I was worried about his recent break up and the age gap (as in it being a problem for him), the label of the relationship didn't matter to me, I just loved what we had. Talked all day, were close, the trust, and innocece. I don't think I need to elaborate. My devaluation came and at this point I'm almost certain after I was feeling sick and he had been talking at me and not to me all day (I don't know if anyone had this during idealization but that was my definition of a bad day back then), he would just keep talking non stop about anything and everything but did not pay attention to me (some days, which I called the walking on sunshine days were great, back and forth), so that fateful day I threw up and told him how bad I was feeling, even that got ignored so at that point I snapped at him and he did react immediately and listened to what I had to say but 2 days later the nightmare began. Woke up to no texts from him for the first time in months, I experienced the dreaded distancing for the first time and it threw me off and freaked me out. He had been talking about a haircut he was getting that day for weeks, it was so bad that he didn't even want to send me pictures of the haircut (when 2 days before I'd be getting 20 pictures a day from him). So I naturally tried to figure out what was going on (eventually all those texts were screenshotted to make me seem obsessive to his friends.

That was a real nightmare but had a small bounce back a week later when he had a job interview and I woke up early to text him good luck (he responded by claiming he was sure it was a pre programmed message but when he realized it wasn't he went back to sweet immediately and started sending me the usual stuff as well, I got unpunished so to speak. For about 6 weeks we had up and downs with another horrible epiosode that involves a ton of hurtful stuff which would require a separate post, but we got through that. After all that back and forth, back in mid July he got evicted and was forced to go live with his dad. Had to quit his job too. I told him I would have his back financially until he got a new job and I didn't mind doing so at all. By the time he moved in he was in a kind of normal state towards me, sharing normally, not walling me off, we did some job hunting together but then something really bothersome started happening. Every time I did something big for him (as in covering a big expense or doing something nice) he would immediately intensify the pushing. One day he had a day trip with friends, I woke up early again to with him luck and make sure he had what he needed, I got the cold treatment for 2 to 3 days. During that time the push pull was as intense as it ever was and he was already holding back a lot of things from me. It's hurtful to have someone wall you off when you're literally proving how much you are there for them, the issue of them not being able to process real unconditional love looms large.

On his mom's birthday, around the middle of last month, he asked me to help him put something together (she's no longer with us, it's a sad story so it meant a lot to him to do something for her on her birthday) we did, I got everything he asked me to. After that day it has been absolutely impossible to get close. If I try to talk about it he gets defensive, claims the conversations ruin his day, he denies I even have a reason to want to have the conversations. He also radically changed his sleep schedule, from being a night owl like myself he started getting up at 6 am every day and never gave me an explanation, I was fearing he was talking to someone in a different time zone. There are about 10 other issues that were absolutely killing me but then last Thursday something hit me. Mostly because on Wednesday he told me he had an interview the next day which I know for a fact he never made. When I asked if he made it he said he did and he was offered the job. Another person living at his dad's house had no idea about the interview when I briefly talked to them and they should have since they allegedly got him the interview. Basically everything is pointing to me that the new sleep schedule matches perfectly when he actually started this new job, he didn't just get the interview, he has been working there for a month. He kept me out for whatever reason, either it just coincided with a push cycle and he didn't bring me up to speed or he wasn't ready to let go of the financial support so he lied to me. Either way and for some reason I wouldn't be mad at all. I believe that this theory explains everything that had been driving me crazy. I'd rather have 1 big "understandable" lie than 10 things that could lead to much worse things.

Now the real question is, does anyone think that shame and guilt coming from this lie would be enough to explain the extreme distancing and shutting me out from everything (mind you I can't even see his instagram stories now)? I think that would explain a lot of it. He's now trying to bring me up to speed with the truth and said last Saturday this was the last week he'd be needing me to help him with some expenses so he's clearly trying to make it right but the shame might linger. Would it be a bad idea to let him know I know and i'm not mad and I understand?

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[Jabiru]

Hello. I see it's been over a week since you posted this, so maybe it has already cleared up.

You're right, it does sound like push-pull. I can understand your wanting to clear things up and understand the situation better. Probably the best source would be to ask him if you're wanting to know. It's possible like you say that he didn't want to let go of the financial support after already getting a job, but I've found in a relationship with a person with BPD that it's usually best be direct and literal about things instead of getting anxious thinking about all the possibilities.

Anyways, how are things going now? How do you feel about it?

[dowhatittakes]

Hello. I see it's been over a week since you posted this, so maybe it has already cleared up.

You're right, it does sound like push-pull. I can understand your wanting to clear things up and understand the situation better. Probably the best source would be to ask him if you're wanting to know. It's possible like you say that he didn't want to let go of the financial support after already getting a job, but I've found in a relationship with a person with BPD that it's usually best be direct and literal about things instead of getting anxious thinking about all the possibilities.

Anyways, how are things going now? How do you feel about it?

As it turns out, I was spot on, the more he came clean about the job and started revealing and confirming everything I suspected he literally opened up overnight, it was wild to see. One by one he revealed all the things I already knew and I opted not to disrupt this flow by revealing that I already knew, maybe sometime in the future. For about a week things were looking good, I even went back to waking up to multiple texts from him and he'd tell me how much he was hating the things he had to do and how absolutely miserable waking up that early was making him (which is ironic because when he first switched to that sleep cycle I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was doing it.. which I might have mentioned, then when he asked back then he dismissed me like I was crazy). So things were looking good. Whether it was shame, guilt, fear of being caught, or a little bit of everything, coming clean was a game changer.

Unfortunately now there's a new issue and this is like the neverending story, it's been almost 24 hours of the silent treatment and it's caused because I confronted him about blocking me on some social media platform for no reason. He has a deep engrained irrational fear as of lately which I might or might not want to discuss and we had a huge fight about it yesterday. Instead of giving me a reason for his behavior and me being blocked for no reason he deflected and projected to the end of the world and then accused me of something that's not just ridiculous but it's not even a bad thing at all, that was somehow his justification. It all started because I was sensing a split and asked him why he was upset at me and of course initially replied by denying being upset at all. I don't know how much more of this I can handle and his living with his dad right now is really bringing up a lot of past issues and they're getting projected onto me (bad parent/ idealized parent dynamics in relationships, it's a real killer)