Mother with a 29 yr old BPD son

[dafpri]

I have been living with my son’s BPD for 15 yr’s now. I have been the brunt of his anger for most of it. In the past  2 years he has been able to control it, but he holds inside, the resentment and anger. We have been financially supporting him because he never worked, he expressed that his issues make him feel inadequate when he tried to work. I tried to set some boundaries but my partner and I  are not on the same page, and have different views on this matter, she is very enabling and I on the other hand have always tried to show him that he can be more independent and by doing so he will have more confidence.

Yesterday I got an email saying that he does not like me and detests me and that I just pretend to love him, he sees that in my facial expressions. He feels I don’t give him enough credit when he succeeds at something, that I only say “wow! that’s great” and I don’t encourage him. Meanwhile I have done everything I can to show him how much I love him, and help him with his hopes and dreams. I am in an impossible situation. To top it all my partner gives him any excuse for his behaviour and will not enforce boundaries. Also, he can be very loving and affectionate and call me for guidance and support. He tells me how much he loves me a few times a day. I try to take into account his BPD, but it still hurts. I feel alone in this struggle. Can anyone relate?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi, as the mother of a 24 y/o daughter with BPD, you have my sympathy, understanding & support!  It is such a lonely road!  I have gone through an excruciating 18 months of minimal contact with BPD (she texts if she needs something) (she now associates only with my mother (whom she said she despised 2 years ago and my sister (who shunned my immediate family for 5 years due to Covid...talk about a weird scenario); in any case, the first 6 months, I cried and checked my texts day & night; the holidays and her birthday were just brutal (her bday, I felt like I could not get out of bed); (speaking of bdays, my first round of no Mother's Day or bday message, where I, again, checked my phone alllll day) fast forward, I miss my daughter, I miss what I feel we are missing, I am confused how she could go from needing me every step of her BPD diagnosis (to the point I was sleeping over her apartment) (again, I regress) my only statement to you is: NEVER blame yourself!  I spent weeks going through photos, etc. trying to see "what " i missed...I seriously had no clue...please feel free to reach out! hang in there!

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I relate!  I went from my pw BPD's favorite person (I have researched that...the favorite person is NOT a place one wants to be!  (more research, if favorite person does ANYthing perceived as wrong, that person is tossed aside) my husband, daughter & beautiful nieces have been tossed aside.  It is a strange and lonely road (for me, I am finding, people ask, how is pw BPD, in my head I am thinking "heck if I know" but, I say, "good, loving her job (I FB stalk...it looks like she does), got a new car (FB); in a million years would i have EVER expected this, so...you are not alone in this battle!

[dafpri]

Thank you. I need as much support as I can get.

[kells76]

Hi dafpri, adding my welcome as well 

15 years of BPD behavior is a lot to handle. Anyone would feel alone and struggling after nearly two decades of conflict!

Does your S29 still live at home, or does he live elsewhere and you financially support that?

I tried to set some boundaries but my partner and I  are not on the same page, and have different views on this matter, she is very enabling and I on the other hand have always tried to show him that he can be more independent and by doing so he will have more confidence.

To me, that seems like the bigger issue to solve. When the parents/adults aren't aligned in dealing with BPD behavior upstream, it is very difficult to act effectively downstream.

Does your partner see any problems with the current situation (whether the same problems you see, or different ones)?

Are either or both of you open to getting some family counseling (even without S29), to see if you can align in at least some areas?

[dafpri]

My S29 lives 2 hours away. We are totally supporting him. After he wrote to me “I don’t want to be faking to love you, just like when I was a child” I’m realising that he might have been masking all the time. And they I raised a son that I’m not sure if I can emotionally trust again. My partner and I are looking for a therapist to help. I haven’t heard from him in 5 days. He usually calls a few times a day. Reading  I am so scared he is going to cut me out of his life. Reading the posts so many parents have not seen their children in years.