Sister — BPD?

[Ozzie101]

I usually post in the relationship thread, as my main issue is with my uBPDh. But I have mentioned my sister before.

As a teen, she was anorexic. Living with her in those years was a nightmare. She raged, manipulated, was emotionally and verbally abusive. After numerous hospital stays and time at a therapeutic ranch, she seemed to be fine. She graduated college, got married, had four beautiful kids.

But there were occasional flashes of the old her in her attitude and behavior. He’s best friend is also close with BIL and there were reports of drinking, overspending and other issues.

Three years ago, she took a handful of Tylenol. Ended up going away for 6 weeks to an inpatient rehab center.

This weekend, it happened again.

Her oldest daughter’s 17th birthday was Saturday and my sister made reservations for the whole family at a local restaurant. My unit and I weren’t able to go (I’m dealing with health issues), but everyone else did — except my sister. Instead, my BIL (an ER doctor) returned home Saturday morning after a shift and found she had gone off to their lake house by herself. Very odd.

Monday morning, BIL called the middle sister — PDsis had taken a whole bottle of Tylenol at the lake house. BIL works in another city and, as head of the ER, he had to wait for someone to take over. So, since she was closer, middle sister drove up, got PDsis, and took her to a hospital in our city. She’s in the ICU with potential liver damage.

On top of this, their middle daughter (aged 14) is now anorexic. My dad thinks that might have triggered this latest incident.

Anyway, the number of things that have happened make me believe her eating disorder in teen years wasn’t “it.” It was a symptom of a larger problem. She has big emotions. Any stress or change elicits an outsized reaction.

I feel awful about this for my parents, my BIL (a genuinely good, caring person), especially my nephew and nieces. My nephew is a freshman in college, so not at home anymore, but this is still a trauma. And my nieces. One is obviously struggling already — now this? The 17-year-old has had to take on more than she should. And the youngest is not quite 13. Sweet, shy girl. I don’t know how this is impacting them or what they’ve been living with over the years.

[kells76]

Hi Ozzie101,

Having the realization that more family members than you suspected may have BPD seems like a common realization around here. My current tally is: our MC suspects that both H's mom and mine have some traits; one of H's sisters likely has BPD; another of H's sisters has some BPD behaviors; one of my cousins seems to be on the BPD spectrum; and, my best friend from HS's mom could likely be diagnosed.

Anyway, the number of things that have happened make me believe her eating disorder in teen years wasn’t “it.” It was a symptom of a larger problem. She has big emotions. Any stress or change elicits an outsized reaction.

That makes sense. My thought is that ED's don't just spring out of nowhere; they're indicators of bigger dysfunction. "Just eating again" resolves symptoms but isn't the core solution.

As far as you can tell, does your sister view herself as recovered from just the ED? or from "everything"? or something else?

I feel awful about this for my parents, my BIL (a genuinely good, caring person), especially my nephew and nieces. My nephew is a freshman in college, so not at home anymore, but this is still a trauma. And my nieces. One is obviously struggling already — now this? The 17-year-old has had to take on more than she should. And the youngest is not quite 13. Sweet, shy girl. I don’t know how this is impacting them or what they’ve been living with over the years.

If I'm tracking, the kids are 12, 14, 17, and ~18? What's your connection with them like?

Do you feel like you have the relationship with BIL to reach out and see what he needs right now (sending meals/restaurant gift cards, hosting a niece for a weekend, gas money, helping clean his house, someone to chat with)?

And is your sister still in the hospital?

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, kells.

I don’t really know how she sees it. For years, I think she saw herself as recovered from the ED. This isn’t her first attempt and there have been other issues I’m only vaguely aware of. I do know she started therapy after the last attempt a couple of years ago, but if there’s been a diagnosis or full understanding of what’s going on, it hasn’t been shared with me.

This sister and I care about each other, but aren’t close. During teen years, I had to take on a lot with younger sisters and I was one of her main rage targets. Things got much better after she started having kids, but never like we were as children. She’s much closer to the sister four years younger than she is (the one who picked her up and took her to the hospital). They’re the two sisters with kids and they and their children are extremely close.

I’m also not as connected with the kids as when they were younger. Before I married, I would visit or babysit them often. When I married, I got busier — as did they, as they were at the ages when activities and interests picked up. I have reached out to them all by text multiple times and they’ve responded.

I’ve offered help, but am a bit limited right now. I’m having some health issues myself — anemia. It’s gotten progressively worse over 6 months.. It leaves me worn out with even minor exertion and we’re still trying to find the cause. So, for now, it’s mostly through words of support. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was gone less than an hour, but  it left me wiped the rest of the day. Frustrating.

Yes, she’s still in the hospital. She’s out of the ICU, but they’re still having to keep a close watch on her liver and kidneys. My mom says it will likely be a long road.

My parents seem to know there is a larger issue. I shared my thoughts with them last time this happened and their response made it clear they either had been told that by a professional or had figured it out for themselves.

[kells76]

I’m also not as connected with the kids as when they were younger. Before I married, I would visit or babysit them often. When I married, I got busier — as did they, as they were at the ages when activities and interests picked up. I have reached out to them all by text multiple times and they’ve responded.

That's positive that they respond! I wonder if occasionally sending low-key, cute/funny stuff to them -- to keep the connection going -- could be a way to support. Might give you a read on if they want to talk more, or are just appreciative that you're thinking of them and that's more what they need.

I’ve offered help, but am a bit limited right now. I’m having some health issues myself — anemia. It’s gotten progressively worse over 6 months.. It leaves me worn out with even minor exertion and we’re still trying to find the cause. So, for now, it’s mostly through words of support. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was gone less than an hour, but  it left me wiped the rest of the day. Frustrating.

Makes sense to evaluate what you can actually do and not overstretch yourself; nobody would be helped by that. Words of support can go a long ways. Maybe shipping something practical to them, even if you can't be there yourself, could also communicate: I care, I want to be there for you.

Yes, she’s still in the hospital. She’s out of the ICU, but they’re still having to keep a close watch on her liver and kidneys. My mom says it will likely be a long road.

My parents seem to know there is a larger issue. I shared my thoughts with them last time this happened and their response made it clear they either had been told that by a professional or had figured it out for themselves.

So maybe your whole family is kind of on the same page right now? That could be a gift, to have everyone aligned.

Do you think most of your family would agree at some level that the priority is her kids -- making sure they're OK, focused on, supported?

[Notwendy]

I am sorry about your sister. Having a family member with a disorder creates a certain dynamic in families- even for the ones who don't have the disorder. Our FOO dynamics do influence who we choose to pair up with later. Who we attract and who we are attracted to is complex but we do tend to feel a sense of familiarity with people who have a matching family pattern - maybe not in the exact same way.

One example of this is when people end up in more than one relationship with a person with BPD. They may not have a disorder but what is it about them that they feel attracted to someone with BPD.

In your situation, I can imagine that you over functioned in your family to compensate for your sister. You also experienced being attached to someone with a disorder- we are attached to our family members, and so in a way, this influenced how you felt with your H, and for him, he would be attracted to someone with your qualities- which are good qualities- to be mature and caring- but also may be overfunctioning with a disordered partner.  That's my guess of course- I don't know for sure.

I hope you feel better soon from your own situation and also that your sister recovers too. I want to encourage you that you can have a positive impact on your nieces no matter what their ages are and within your ability. At age 14 and 17, they don't need physical caretaking- they need love and attention. You can give them that. My father's side of the family has done that and at any age it has meant a lot. It doesn't have to be a big gesture- but consistent contact and small gestures - calling them, or sending a small gift, just telling them you care.

One fond memory is my aunt taking me shopping as a teen and helping me buy something "cool" to wear. If finances or your physical condition doesn't allow for this- do something like a cute card, or small gift card for a favorite ice cream or coffee shop. Or venmo them some small amount. It's not the money or the value of the gift that makes the impression. For me, it was that my aunt considered my teen age world and thought of something a teen ager would like. In my own FOO- we focused on BPD mother and her feelings. Right now, the focus is on your sister and her recovery, but her children are affected too- and this is a mature situation for a teen, so any gesture that you are thinking of them, and their teen age world can have an impact.

[Ozzie101]

Kells, I do think it’s probably safe to assume the family has a fairly united, clear view. And that the kids are a concern for all. They’re definitely well supported.

Notwendy, I agree with your assessment. I think the similarities between my sister and my H are not fully a coincidence. It’s probably also not unusual that my BIL’s personality is similar to mine and his father and a sister both have some undefined “issues.”

H is actually self-aware enough to have pointed out that he and S have a good bit in common.

I feel some of that old frustration and resentment bubbling. I have no idea what she’s been like at home. But I know from some comments my mother made that Nephew (19) and oldest Niece (17) have had to grow up faster and take on responsibilities. “Like you did.” I hate that for them. And for me.

[Ozzie101]

My sister is being released from the hospital tomorrow and being transferred to a treatment center that specializes in co-occurring conditions. She’ll be there for about 6 weeks.

That’s her being away from home for two months. N14 is just starting treatment for her anorexia. Her youngest daughter will turn 13 while she’s in treatment.

Visits are very restricted and, I have to admit, I’m a little relieved. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I definitely feel resentment. Both for what’s been happening and for things that happened years ago. In a way, I feel like I should visit and, at the same time, I’m not sure I want to.

[Notwendy]

I think it's good that your sister is in a long term residential treatment and also restricted from visitors. This is because family and friends are involved as well- even if they don't have a disorder themselves. A family member or friend could possibly be an enabler, or in another role that influences your sister's feelings/behavior.

From what I have heard about residential treatment is that- they are aware of family dynamics and as a part of discharge planning- they then meet with the family as well to address this. So you will be visiting at some point.

I think it's informative for you that you feel the urge to help/show support but are ambivalent. Look at how you phrased it "Feel like you should (FOG) but you also don't want to". This could be your family pattern too- in your role of being a support to your sister. I have felt this kind of thing too.

Helping behavior isn't a bad thing- it's in context. Sometimes the same behavior can be considered to be genuinely helpful or co-dependent/enabling. Being aware of our own feelings helps to distinguish which is which.

You feel you should visit but it actually isn't helpful to your sister at the moment. She is in the right place with mental health professionals that have the training to help her. They are the ones to determine when she's ready for visitors. You don't have to decide at this time.