Breakup/divorce comminication

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If a borderline asks for reasons for divorce,  do you tell them?

When you say you want a divorce, do you give the reasons why?

[captain5024]

If a borderline asks for reasons for divorce,  do you tell them?

When you say you want a divorce, do you give the reasons why?

[kells76]

Hi captain5024;

Each situation is unique, so the answer is "it depends". Sometimes we can decide to communicate something in hopes of gaining a better outcome. Other times we decide to communicate something so that we can live in coherence with our integrity, regardless of outcome. The specifics of the situation and an understanding of your goals will be helpful to know.

Are you deciding to divorce and your spouse is asking you why?

What would your goals be in sharing your reasons?

[captain5024]

Hi captain5024;

Each situation is unique, so the answer is "it depends". Sometimes we can decide to communicate something in hopes of gaining a better outcome. Other times we decide to communicate something so that we can live in coherence with our integrity, regardless of outcome. The specifics of the situation and an understanding of your goals will be helpful to know.

Are you deciding to divorce and your spouse is asking you why?

What would your goals be in sharing your reasons?

I am deciding to divorce my spouse.  I've had threads in the other forums here.  Unfortunately she has not attended therapy and the pattern of emotional abuse and the sprinkling of physical abuse continues.  I've tried my best to validate the feeling while not agreeing with the accusation.  I've tried my best...but she won't go to therapy or accept any accountability.  It's almost like often there is no "agency" there. 

She has not asked why yet, but it may come.

Goals...I would like to be heard and understood, but I'm probably barking up the wrong tree.

[kells76]

The clarification is helpful, thanks.

I am deciding to divorce my spouse.  I've had threads in the other forums here.  Unfortunately she has not attended therapy and the pattern of emotional abuse and the sprinkling of physical abuse continues.  I've tried my best to validate the feeling while not agreeing with the accusation.  I've tried my best...but she won't go to therapy or accept any accountability.  It's almost like often there is no "agency" there.

It sounds like you are able to be in a relationship with someone who is actively in long term therapy, and you are not able to be in a relationship with someone who is not. Does that sound like an accurate statement of your personal rule for your own life?

She has not asked why yet, but it may come.

I wonder if it would help for you to game-plan some responses here on the boards, to questions she may ask.

Goals...I would like to be heard and understood, but I'm probably barking up the wrong tree.

If she has struggled with hearing and understanding you in the past, it seems like erroneous thinking to hope that she could hear and understand you in a high-emotional-intensity situation like hearing a divorce announcement.

Perhaps it would be more compassionate and less wounding to both of you not to expect her to fully understand or hear you, and instead to find a BIFF statement:

"I'm sorry it's come to this; I've filed for divorce. I wasn't getting my emotional needs met and I can't continue. I'll text you my lawyer's contact info so we can figure out logistics that way. I wish you the best."

You may need to get your needs for being heard/understood met elsewhere, like on these boards, with a trusted friend, or with a therapist.

[captain5024]

Excellent advice, thank you.

A slight amendment -- it is not acceptable to me to be in a relationship with abuse.  If there has been abuse and if the abuser is aware of it, understands their agency and is seeking to prevent it in the future...that I can consider.

However, if the abuser does not acknowledge the abuse, does not acknowledge their agency and does not seek help -- not a chance.

[HoratioX]

If a borderline asks for reasons for divorce,  do you tell them?

When you say you want a divorce, do you give the reasons why?

I've not divorced someone with BPD or similar. But were I to, I'd consult with a divorce attorney about any communication because it could potentially be used in the divorce proceedings. Recognize that even innocent statements -- like, for instance, apologizing something to be polite -- can instead be taken as an admission of guilt or responsibility. That said, when I broke up with my ex with anxiety/CPTSD/BPD, I made sure to indicate in writing the meaningful reasons why. I kept the statements succinct, but given that people with mental illness or personality disorders can, sometimes inadvertently, recall events or statements differently than they occurred, I think it's a good idea to have records.

[PeteWitsend]

If a borderline asks for reasons for divorce,  do you tell them?

When you say you want a divorce, do you give the reasons why?

I agree with Kells, about using a BIFF statement.

I think it's important to stick to the facts, not make any admissions, and not waste any more energy letting them drag you down into he said/she said arguments, and BPDer stuff.

Advice I got was to put your thoughts into a letter, and not send it until the divorce is over, and if you still feel you need to then, send it.  But do it for yourself, not the pwBPD.  Do not think you can admit to something and "let them down easy"... that can only backfire on you. Any statements you make are only an invitation to argue for them.

Get your money's worth out of the divorce (it will not be cheap), and don't continue to engage in this dysfunctional relationship once you're out.  It's over, move on.