I’ve sent my recent ex 100 Roses, a bottle of Rosé wine and a teddy bear.

[IMissHer21]

Continued from post: I messed up and need advice please.

Hello, I recently made a post yesterday asking for advice and got some good advice. It’s only been 4 days since we split up and 2 days of no contact (The first two days I tried and tried for communication but got nowhere).

Im still blocked everywhere except for one platform (Facebook) and I caught her this morning unblocking me on other platforms before re blocking me again (I guess she was snooping on my accounts) she’s admitted to doing this when we have split before…

Last night I ordered 100 red roses, a bottle of Rosé and a teddy bear to be delivered to her this Sunday (29th September 2024).

We split because we had an argument and I shoved her (I honestly know I shouldn’t have done this at all.

What is to come please, she would always charm around 2 weeks later of no contact, she’s done this 22 times and we’ve had worse arguments than this in the past.

My question to you guys is what will her reaction be, she’s obviously curious, during no contact I’ve made my accounts public so she can access and doesn’t overthink and my last message was to her as follows.

“I tried to message you on Reddit I know you don’t want to speak to me and don’t want to hear from me but I’ve had to just pay £15 just to send this message look I feel horrible about yesterdays events. I’ve not been sleeping eating none of it. I’ve made arrangements to move 250 miles away but I’ll still keep paying for the nest as a second property. because I’ve just had enough of how my life is. I need a fresh start it’s all been arranged the only thing that was keeping me down here was you baby. And I broke it. I am so so sorry for how things went yesterday if I could turn back time I would you’ll never know and or understand how much you truly truly mean to me my little feathery. I don’t understand why my reactions were like that yesterday there are no excuses. I’ve sat thought all day and I think due to holding in the anger all week it just came out because the whole thing wasn’t even anything to blow up over. The conversation/bickering was to do with why you still had people you had kissed on your social media. It’s like this to my face, of course doesn’t and never will justify my actions. I wanted it to be you and I we made such incredible progress even you started to change for the better do you know how proud you made me when you said the other day it felt bad being in cameo so you came home. Wow what a step forward for us. Honestly. That made me so happy our cute little day out talking like budgies on the Seaford beach everything was falling into place. Like I said I’m so sorry and I pray you can find it in your featheries to forgive me. Remember when you hit me and kicked me I never left you or used it against you not once never would. Size doesn’t matter it’s still not right we shouldn’t ever be doing these things and it breaks my heart to think that a moment of madness from my side has made you now believe that that’s how things would have been when that isn’t the case I promise. I will always believe no Know that we are soulmates the connection is too deep we bring out the inner child in one another every single day and it brightens up our every days a connection no one else gets to experience our little ways words actions. Please forgive me and speak to me when you’re ready. i PLEASE READing love you please never forget this. I never wanted us to end my budge but if you can’t find it to forgive me and learn to work together then okay I will leave you alone. I realised you’ve blocked me everywhere even Reddit because I’ve posted so take some time like I said I’m here when you’re ready my darling but after this message I’m just going to start the moving on process. I wish you nothing but the best”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi IMissHer21;

Everything sounds pretty fresh for you. It must be so difficult to be blocked suddenly. I can see how you'd really want an opening to apologize -- to get things "okay" between you again. It can be nearly intolerable feeling like things aren't "okay" and that you don't get a say.

Those feelings can drive us to do things that seem like they'd help, but can sometimes be inadvertently ineffective.

My guess is that you want to be effective. You want what you do to contribute to reconnecting with your partner, and you don't want what you do to make it worse.

Sometimes we have blind spots. That's what these boards are great at. We can present our situations and get feedback from a wide range of other people, who can see things we don't. It's an incredible resource.

My guess is also that at some level, you want this cycle to end:

What is to come please, she would always charm around 2 weeks later of no contact, she’s done this 22 times and we’ve had worse arguments than this in the past.

And at some level she probably does, too -- it's really, really painful for her. That's probably why she puts up some pretty high walls for protection (mass blocking) and needs a couple of weeks to get back to a baseline. That is really important information.

I'm thinking that she felt shocked, hurt, and maybe violated/intruded on when you shoved her. I'm not saying who is right or wrong in that situation -- nobody is getting excuses. I'm focusing on -- whoever did what, that is likely how she feels.

If I felt shocked, wounded, and violated by something my husband did, then I would need a break from him to get back to a baseline, and if he did or said things during that break that felt intrusive again -- not respecting my space or my signals of getting distance -- that would reinforce to me "that's just who he is, he just intrudes and disrespects and wounds me, and he obviously doesn't listen to what I'm communicating with my actions, so I need to double down on getting some space from him to heal".

Again, I am guessing you want good in this situation --  you want to end the breakup/makeup cycles that damage your relationship, and you want positive reconnection.

Grand romantic gestures are likely going to accidentally confirm to her what she fears: that you don't really listen to her.

I wonder if there's a way for you to pause, focus on your own feelings, and wait a little longer? Maybe you can use the time to write down your feelings and what you'd like her to know, without sending it.

...

My question to you guys is what will her reaction be, she’s obviously curious, during no contact I’ve made my accounts public so she can access and doesn’t overthink and my last message was to her as follows.

Based on the hypothesis above -- that if she already felt wounded/hurt/violated by the shoving incident, she might feel that even more by communication/gift attempts -- what's your thought? Putting yourself in her shoes, if you felt that way, how would you respond to receiving a huge romantic gift?

[once removed]

I caught her this morning unblocking me on other platforms before re blocking me again (I guess she was snooping on my accounts) she’s admitted to doing this when we have split before…

this is the single best thing you have going for you. it confirms, for starters, that shes thinking of you. i wouldnt jump to too many conclusions based on that, but it means its possible that she isnt done.

she can also see what youre up to. you can telegraph major changes in your life without being showy about it. thats important, because its really vital right now to give her space, and yet, you want to, on some level, be able to demonstrate the changes youre making.

but thats very tentative. you are shooting yourself in the foot with the gestures. they are too much, and they are very focused on you. a lot of us men do this, when we are trying to win a partner back, but it is probably the number one thing that can push them away for good.

now would be a good time to compensate for that; if you dial it back completely (i would cancel the order if possible), give her space, and let things sit, you can lessen any damage done, and shift your focus to the things that will have the most impact.

really smart move getting into anger management. she will wind up finding out about that (you dont want to tell her or be showy about it, but she will get wind of it), and it is perhaps the best signal of change you could send. it will help you, regardless of what happens.

[IMissHer21]

Hello,

Thankyou for your response. Unfortunately cancelling the order is not possible as it’s been dispatched already.

As far as an update on the situation I’ve stayed silent the last 2 days and today she has started posting quotes on Facebook I believe are aimed at me such as;

(“It had to happen, so I could grow. It had to break me, so I could start again. It had to end, so I could see what was truly meant for me”)

And another one complete opposite of the spectrum that says

(“It’s not about money or the place, it’s the person”)

These quotes I believe are aimed at me the first one due to our situation and the second one I believe aimed at me due to my current financial circumstances are far from good.

This has confused me but it’s like you say she must be thinking about me. I am serious about the anger management thing as I’ve noticed it also seems to affect not just my relationship but my day to day living. At work, with friends, etc… it’s not good but I am overdue to do something about it and I’m looking forward to.

[Caleb91]

it confirms, for starters, that shes thinking of you. i wouldnt jump to too many conclusions based on that, but it means its possible that she isnt done. 

This stuck out to me because I'm in a very different position from IMissHer21, but I was once in this exact position. My ex and I broke up probably near 22 times, and each time I sent flowers and wrote verbose apologies and letters, and each time we would reconcile between a couple days and couple weeks later. I was also blocked on everything except email, and then eventually unblocked. Then two years ago, she broke up with me. It was painful but at the time didn't seem remarkable since we'd been through this cycle so many times. I wrote emails, sent flowers and gifts, pulled out all the usual stops. The weeks passed, then months, and it became clear to me that this was different.

Six, seven, eight months after this breakup she was still posting things things that made it clear that she was thinking about me and that her heart and brain were in a tug of war. And I could see that she was checking one of my accounts daily. Wishfully I took away the same positives that once removed is saying is possible, "she isn't done".

But months have continued to pass and here we are at the two year mark of my breakup. Just a few months ago my ex was still posting things like songs that made me feel like I was on her mind, but it's also been two years.

Over a year ago I stopped sending gifts and letters because I came to the same conclusion, that the efforts were most likely having the opposite effect that I wanted, that I was showing that I couldn't respect boundaries and was pushing my ex away further.

And yet I continued to see those signs from her online behavior, and know in my gut, that my ex is still very affected by our breakup.

The thing I wonder daily is how do we know when our ex is done forever?  How do we know what is the final breakup, and not just a longer interlude between cycles? 

I know this isn't the question asked by OP, but I was once him, a few days out from my breakup and nothing seemed unusual, it was business as usual in our makeup/breakup cycle. Yet here I am two years out, wondering how I got here and what comes next.

[IMissHer21]

This is kind of what happened to us before, we split and left 22 times and would always come back but then I chose to end things and 5 months went by before one day we crossed paths and she approached me asking to talk. Fast forward to 2 months later… here we are. I tried to call her today and she heard my voice put the phone down again. I simply don’t understand but I’m going to have to fully go nc from today.

[once removed]

I messed up and need advice please.

ok. the advice is: before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

lets assess the last 4-5 days. in life, it's important to reflect on our actions and make adjustments if we want to make progress on anything  

how do you assess the effectiveness of the (1) Reddit message (I’ve made arrangements to move 250 miles away, I will leave you alone, take some time like I said I’m here when you’re ready), (2) then a call from unknown number (because you are blocked), (3) then the 100 roses, wine, teddy bear arrival, and (4) then another call from unknown number?

how would you rate each these things? [making things better? making things worse? neutral? not possible to know?]. this is hard, i know, but it will be helpful to you.

(1) Reddit message
(2) Call from unknown number
(3) 100 roses, wine, teddy bear
(4) Second call from unknown number

[IMissHer21]

We’ve been broken up for 7 days today… I’ve been blocked on every social media platform except for one. To this day this has remained the same. The first 4 days I tried to call/text but this would result in either her picking up the phone hearing my voice and immediately ending the call or her turning off “receive private calls” so that I couldn’t call anymore. She hasn’t made any contact and today I had 100 roses a bottle of rosé and a teddy sent to her house. She has remained silent.

We had an 8 month relationship before with 22 on off splits initiated by her and they would follow the same pattern lasting for anywhere up to 3 weeks of ghosting/blocking/silent treatment to then reach out asking to talk and then she would come back home. I ended things between us myself the 23rd time and we split for 5 months before crossing paths in public where she come up to me drunk asking to speak and then we started talking again from there… here we are 2 months later.
I might also add although I am blocked from every platform I’ve caught her unblocking (I guess to snoop on my accounts) then block me again a couple of minutes later.

I love my girl we had an argument 7 days ago where I shoved her I feel like a monster I know. After the roses had been delivered today I have made the decision to not reach out anymore and give her the space she clearly wants.

[Skip]

lets assess the last 4-5 days. in life, it's important to reflect on our actions and make adjustments if we want to make progress on anything  

how do you assess the effectiveness of the (1) Reddit message (I’ve made arrangements to move 250 miles away, I will leave you alone, take some time like I said I’m here when you’re ready), (2) then a call from unknown number (because you are blocked), (3) then the 100 roses, wine, teddy bear arrival, and (4) then another call from unknown number?

how would you rate each these things? [making things better? making things worse? neutral? not possible to know?]. this is hard, i know, but it will be helpful to you.

(1) Physical altercation (unprovoked - she walked out)
(2) Reddit message (no response)
(3) Calling from unknown number (she hung up)
(4) Second calling from unknown number (she hung up)
(5) 100 roses, wine, teddy bear

I think it would help you to assess the activities of the last 8 days with us. Try to see this from her perspective - that is the only way to put any of this in perspective and to get yourself on a constructive path with practical expectations.

Ultimately the question is where is she emotionally, how long could it take to process this, and what are the most constructive things you can do in the interim?

[IMissHer21]

Hello Skip,

I just want to start off by saying a huge Thankyou to you for your help, advice and support that you have shown me during this period.

It was an eye opener to say the least to see the moves I’ve made in list form over the last 8 days and yes you’re right none of it is logical or makes any sense. I’ve stayed true today and not broken no contact and I feel confident. I got a message saying the flowers etc had been delivered and yes I am still blocked and still remain in the same position. Of course I didn’t magically believe that these things would fix the situation but it’s a start and the last move I will be making from my side.

I hope she is in a good place emotionally and I pray for her, today I have started looking into hobbies and am incredibly keen on getting into bodybuilding/back into the gym. I’ve thought about it and not only are there many benefits both physically and mentally but its also one way to relive build up stress

[Skip]

I hope she is in a good place emotionally and I pray for her, today I have started looking into hobbies and am incredibly keen on getting into bodybuilding/back into the gym.

Do you think she is in a good place emotionally?

I wouldn't think so.

She didn't leave you because she lost interest or found another guy or had to doa work project... she left because you were in a bad mood about something and hit her.

I would think that she feels very violated and is very unsure about you. You said this is not the worst blowout that you have had. This could very well appear to her as dangerous escalation.

And as you said, some people were already telling her the relationship might not be right for her. Think about what they are saying to her now?

Part of that is probably "soothing/comforting her". Part of it will be listening to her and offering their opinion or helping her process.

I don't know her or the situation, but you do. Does any of this sound likely? If not, how might you think its different.

If you can't see this situation through her eyes - if you just push through with your own narrative - things are not going to go well.

Take this on. Do the work. What do you thing is going on in her world?

 

list form over the last 8 days and yes you’re right none of it is logical or makes any sense.

There is a lot there for her and others to interpret. It will help if you read what you said with an open mind on what your words and actions are communicating. With understanding this, things are not going to go well.

First, you apologized via Reddit. That was good. That was wrong. It's on me. I am very sorry. I hope you will forgive, but I understand if you don't. 

But you also said, I think it was because you have friends on social media that I don't approve of and that was a finger in my face (it will sound to others that you are justifying your reaction).

You go on to say that she has hit you in the past and that is just as wrong. You say size doesn't matter-you being stronger/her being weaker. (It does matter and this will not go down well with any women).

You also say you have forgiven her in the past - implying she should do the same.

You close saying your will give her space and time to process, but then there is 30 attempts to contact her...

And then the flowers arrive (with a note?).

Do you agree that this is how third parties will see the last 8 days?

What can you do to clean some of this up?

[IMissHer21]

Hello,

I don’t know what else I can do to clean this up other than give her the space she clearly wants and leave it at that.

Her family never liked me as it is, her mother has diagnosed bpd and she is a very bad influence on my ex (50 years of age still goes out clubbing, drinking in the street, doing drugs, acting like she is still a teenage girl etc) but unfortunately no matter how many times I’ve reluctantly told my ex about this things she simply cannot seem to see none of it. So yes I can imagine her family are all in her ear the whole time I’ve known my ex she simply cannot seem to not take everyone else’s opinions in it’s been a huge issue for us outside opinions (people causing issues via making stuff up or lying in general and she has near enough always believed them.

Like I said I’m no longer reaching out and I’m just going to leave it now.

[Skip]

There are thing you can do. Meaningful things.

They have mostly to do with your ability to understand what is happening around you so you can work truly work to improve it. It's more than just acknowledging what is being said here, its being able to see it yourself and see what you can do to change it.

To be leader in a relationship, you need to be strong (of mind), be able to read the room, and be know and be able to act in constructive ways. This is especially true if you are in a special needs relationship (BPD partner).This is what separates the men from the boys. This is what separates the men from the meat-heads.

The last thing any of us want to hear is that we created the very thing that makes our heart hurt. And members often blame shift early in the recovery process. You are not alone on any of this.

So what to do?

1. You are incredibly anxious and panicked right now and its causing you to make bad decisions. I would strongly recommend that that you book a private psychiatrist session (not NHS) and get some anti-anxiety meds. I would also request a therapy appointment through NHS.  It's a long lead time, so get it started. You can cancel later if you don't need it. Anxiety is not your friend right now.

2. Stop the social media stalking. Stop your side by not looking her up. Stop her side by not logging in to your accounts. Just hold out 10 days to break fever.  This is very important for two reasons. 1) It feeds your anxiety - and you need to chill out to so you don't self-sabotage. 2) It increases the likelihood she won't contact you. As you said, she is looking at you looking at her. Sounds like grade school.

3. Write this somewhere where you will see it during the day. Maybe a post note on your computer. Before I can make things better, I have to stop making them worse.

Up to now, you have only been able to go a few hours without trying to make contact. Even though the contact is not helping, it is giving you some false feeling relief.  As the hours go by and she doesn't respond to the flowers, you are very likely to feel more and more the need to launch another effort to communicate - even if its only to check social media every hour.  This is addictive. Break it.

4. Spend some time here taking about your frustration and reactivity in the relationship. Why did you snap? There is something going on. You're a smart guy and you know getting physical would cause problems... but something that day was more powerful than your common sense.  What was it?

5. Spend some time here taking about her concerns in the relationship. I think you should assume that she is talking to someone about domestic violence - either a professional, a volunteer, or a friend. It's important to understand how she is being advised. People will be talking to her about:

• the cycle of abuse - event, the honeymoon period, the increasing tension period, repeat (see graphic posted earlier)
• escalation over time - as a predictor of continued escalation
• dominance and control - as the driver.

Your actions are feeding this narrative.

Take a look at this article:
https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/apology/

[IMissHer21]

Hello Skip,

The social media stalking from my side is horrible every couple of hours I’ve found myself checking it’s not benefitting me I know but the goal for me isn’t no contact to move on from her the goal is to get her back.

Since the last response, I’ve been strict no contact and nothing has changed she didn’t react to the delivery, still has me blocked  and hasn’t said anything at all.

She is definitely talking to others about our situation for sure. She has many enablers around her especially her mother who is diagnosed bpd. Her friends too. I’m not saying this because I do not like these people because this isn’t the case I’m saying this because it’s true. My partner is very easily influenced by both others opinions and others beliefs to the point that others opinions have caused us many issues before. She believes everyone else over me constantly.i just don’t know what to do.

I would like to ask what do you think is due to happen next, the usual cycle is blocked (but never for this long) then she would go out get drunk usually around 2 weeks later to blow my phone up on no caller id and come to our flat to be here.

I’m unsure as to what is happening this time as she seems very off social media and very very quiet.

Thanks for reading.

[Bowman]

It really doesn't seem like you're interested in addressing the behavior you exhibited which created the scenario you are in, that will not serve you or her ultimately, even if by some luck your lack of change entices her back you will face this scenario again without said change.

The questions you ask are things that cannot be known by others, and the answers would not provide a more stable relationship, or greater enticement to return to a relationship. Predicting behavior is less useful than being a master of your own behavior.

You should really move through Skip's advice with introspection and diligence, and put to rest the notion that displays of affection have any use.