How do you trust people again?

[brokenfrog]

Hello everyone. I've been a reader for almost two years, but this is my first time posting. I could really use some perspective and feedback on how people have managed to rebuild themselves.

Background: I was in a 10-year relationship (married for 2 years) with my wife (uBPD - likely confirmed by her therapist). Four years ago, she went through a difficult period with mental health concerns, including suicidal ideation. Along with her family, I supported her in going to a psychiatric hospital. A significant influence in getting her there was her doctor.

Her treatment went well, and she came back really strong. We ended up getting married. The doctor remained in touch and even started offering advisory ideas on a company she and I were involved in.

Fast forward to two years ago when I found out they were having an affair. Why did she tell me? Because they wanted me to approve their relationship so they could continue seeing each other on the side. Think polygamy but where he decides who they see (I'm almost surprised they were considerate enough to ask me -sorry for the sarcasm)

Things went from strange to worse when, after she promised no contact with him (he was getting a divorce from his wife of 30 years and has four kids), I discovered they had been back in touch—and possibly more. This was quickly followed by a chilling message from her doctor stating that "they had come to an agreement before she talked to me."

What followed were a series of suicide threats, never-ending conversations that oscillated between bizarre statements about laws and norms, all the way to her telling me I was responsible for it all...parents were not getting involved or should I say in weird way with her mother telling me that what they had done was just fulfilling an envy.

Fast forward to now, where we are in the midst of divorce proceedings. Of course, she is seeking monetary compensation (feel free to laugh), but more disturbing is that she is now claiming that I had given my blessing for her actions. There were more people involved, often names I recognize from business meetings.

That was the quick background. I am as disturbed by her behavior as I am by the doctor (according to his ex-wife, this was not his first affair) -actually even more but that's a different story-, but I know I can't change the past.

What I am shattered about and wondering is: How do you find a way to trust another person in your life—personally, professionally, or romantically?

How did you find peace? How did you ever regain a sense of safety?

[EyesUp]

I never slept better than the night my ex moved out…

The conventional wisdom is:  focus on yourself. 

That means: Learn to trust yourself.

That also means: learn to trust your gut, spot red flags and act accordingly; establish boundaries and honor them.

Do the things that you enjoy, that energize you.  Spend time with people who are important to you - friends and family.

Of course, some healthy habits (exercise, food, etc) help too. 

See a therapist.

Practice self care.  Be patient with yourself - healing takes time.

These are the basics.

One day at a time.

You’ll get there.

[Skip]

The therapist's actions were reprehensible and malpractice. You may want to file a complaint to the state - they could lift his license. It doesn't matter if your wife consented.

How does anyone recover from a prolonged violation like this? I can certainly see how this has rocked your world.

The first step may be to just grieve...

[brokenfrog]

Thanks to the two of you. Yes I'll keep working on it, daily and hopefully make some positive strides. Though a lot of grieving was behind me but the legal case and the latest claim have reopened the wounds for sure.

As to filing a complaint about the doc, I wish I had got a dollar each time I heard this one; I would not have to worry about playing legal fees  He lives in a different country where the laws are very "flexible" in terms of interpretation. I did file, however, their boards are classifying it as "regular adultery" because the complaint is not coming from the patient. Gotta love technicalities !

[seekingtheway]

Hi BrokenFrog,

Thank you for sharing your story - you've been through so much.

As I was reading through your post, I could imagine how much this must have messed with your sense of safety in the world, so the fact you're asking how to find it again makes perfect sense... you've had your trust betrayed in all the ways you probably thought possible.

There's a lot to be said about the process of rebuilding. What has been your process of healing so far? Have you done some therapy? Do you have a good support network? Have you made any gains so far?

In terms of finding safety - time can help, but I think we sometimes need to be a bit more intentional when it's something this deep. Mindfulness is something that helps me. Meditation and breathwork help me to find a bit of safety within myself if my mind is feeling chaotic and there's a lot of rumination, or getting out into nature is also a big one for me. I find for me, building a sense of safety and peace begins within me... When you're healing, it's often just glimmers of peace that you'll feel - but those glimmers will happen more and more, and the balance will eventually tip the right way up.

Another thing that might help is to shrink your inner circle to people you know for sure you can trust. Work on strengthening those relationships and let them nourish you. Having positive experiences with anyone will be beneficial, whether it's friends, family, colleagues or even strangers in the street. But it can help to be quite discerning about who you put around you, what you listen to, what you watch... basically everything you infiltrate into your psyche while you're re-building resilience and trust in the world.

There are lessons to learn, and things to be careful of in the future so that mistakes aren't repeated, but sometimes we are just unlucky to get wrapped up in someone else's dysfunction and wounding. Not blaming yourself for any of that is also a good thing to keep in mind.

I hope these thoughts help, but keep posting and let us know how you're getting on.

[HoratioX]

I'm going to take a slightly different tack, and that is to say, you should probably never trust anyone. And I don't mean that in a paranoid, anxiety-driven sort of way. I mean that in the sense that even people with the best of intentions can do harm, or at least they can do things that surprise everyone, including themselves.

Two people happily married can suddenly find that one or both are no longer happy. I'm not talking about mental illness necessarily. I just mean people grown and change, and some don't really know themselves very well but forge ahead anyway, thinking they'll figure it out later. Some are fortunate enough to have many options, and they merely take the one that seems appropriate at the time, only to find out later it wasn't.

So, my point is that living one's life in complacency about people and whether you can trust them is probably the wrong way to do things.

Now, in terms of someone with a profound mental illness, I'd say what I just wrote goes double, triple, or more. That's because now you're dealing with someone who has emotional issues or a distorted view of reality. That's a wild card, and it means that you likely have to be on your guard much more.

I actually thought I could handle this with my ex, which is to say, I thought that her illness -- as it became more clear over time, though it was never, ever completely clear -- was something that could be contained. It could not. No matter how much I might try to be supportive or to roll with the punches, it would never be enough. As a result, there would never be any way to truly be comfortable in that relationship. Even if I felt somewhat happy in her presence, I understood that there was the whole rest of the iceberg I couldn't see at any given time also going on, and one way or the other, I was likely to crash into it.

So, my advice if you're looking to find peace and healing is to avoid such people to begin with. If you find yourself with one, get out of that situation as humanely as possible -- but get out. Life is already challenging with people who don't have profound mental or emotional problems. All that is not an indictment against such individuals. I'm not saying to be unsympathetic and, thus, cruel in some way. I'm just saying that if you're looking for something better -- and the nature of your questions suggest you are -- you're not going to find it with someone whose very state of being sows chaos, instability, and delusions.

[brokenfrog]

Thanks everyone for the different perspectives and advice.
The biggest challenge for me moving forward (and regardless of trust or not) will always have to wonder what else they will be coming up next in their quest to not own to their respective behaviors.
That's the most "brain consuming" part of the problem and it feels like that gift that keeps on giving.

[seekingtheway]

You mentioned that you're still in the middle of divorce proceedings?

It may be pretty hard for things to settle and for any true peace to be found while that step is still underway. Rebuilding is a long game for most people.

My situation with my ex was way less extreme than yours, but I identify with the feeling of 'what next'... and not being able to find peace and safety in my body. I still have a sense of hypervigilance. But compared to where I was 6 months ago, I am in a much better place. I was stuck in fight or flight for a very long time and I was extremely anxious and my brain was very foggy... I didn't feel myself at all. I'm on my way back now, but I still have a way to go. My therapist suggested a couple of years is normal.

You didn't mention if you have any children together?

[brokenfrog]

The proceedings are underway now. The biggest hurdle I’ve faced is hearing the claim that 'it wasn’t cheating' and that I consented to all these activities. Not only is it painful to hear this at so many levels, but it also makes the whole process more complex and difficult to navigate. The absurdity is amplified by her using terms like being surrounded by 'benevolent people who provide her with the right vibration.' I try to find the humor in it, but I can’t deny how draining it is to manage.

Fortunately, there’s no custody issue since we don’t have children together.

[Outdorenthusiast]

The proceedings are underway now. The biggest hurdle I’ve faced is hearing the claim that 'it wasn’t cheating' and that I consented to all these activities. Not only is it painful to hear this at so many levels, but it also makes the whole process more complex and difficult to navigate. The absurdity is amplified by her using terms like being surrounded by 'benevolent people who provide her with the right vibration.' I try to find the humor in it, but I can’t deny how draining it is to manage.

Fortunately, there’s no custody issue since we don’t have children together.

[seekingtheway]

Trying to find the humour and light side in something that just doesn't make sense and is totally bewildering is a good way to approach things sometimes, but I can completely understand that you'd be drained and exhausted from it all.

You seem to have a good grip on your own reality and you know that the claims they're making are serving a purpose for them, but are not rooted in truth for you.

This kind of chaos certainly does bear a cost to your energy, your nervous system, the way you perceive other people and the world. If there are no custody issues to take care of, the hope is that once the dust settles on the divorce, you'll have the freedom to cut free and find your peace. This is the hard yards now - you're in the thick of it, but it will move on from here... unfortunately for your ex, she's now in a dynamic that sounds very unhealthy and controlling, so although she is trying to free herself from responsibility from her behaviour (and his), she is probably going to suffer overall from these choices.

[Clearmind]

How do you find a way to trust another person in your life —personally, professionally, or romantically?

Self trust comes first.

.

[Clearmind]

Goodness!
I am not a lawyer however its my guess that you don’t need to be entering into any discussions around this with your ex or the doctor.
Provide a statement via your lawyer with the facts. The facts are the doctor treated your ex between x-x dates and then a relationship became known by you on x date. Period.

His ex can provide her own statement.

[brokenfrog]

Yes. That is likely the route that we'll have to end up taking.