BPD Mother Estranged

[calmentreprenuer]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, so I'll try to keep it brief.

I'm a man in my mid-30s who has been estranged from my mother, who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), for the past two years. Our relationship has always been difficult, starting when I was 15, as she has been extremely abusive, which became more apparent after my parents split up.

I got married a year ago, and in the lead-up to the wedding, my mother caused a lot of tension for both my wife and me. My wife, not wanting to deal with my mother's constant temper tantrums, chose not to invite her to the wedding shower. This was the tipping point in an already strained relationship.

I tried every form of communication—emails, texts, phone calls, and even therapy sessions—but nothing worked. In fact, every attempt seemed to make things worse. I held onto a small hope that I could somehow change her, but I was wrong. My efforts ended up hurting not only me but also my wife and my mother.

A week before the wedding, I made the difficult decision to uninvite her after she repeatedly told me we’d end up divorced, called my wife awful names, said our wedding was toxic, and declared multiple times that she wasn’t coming anyway. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t understand why I made that choice. About six months after the wedding, we began slowly communicating again, trying to repair the relationship.

Now, I have a baby, and my mother wants to be part of our lives. However, we recently held a baby naming ceremony, and I chose not to invite her because of her poor relationship with my father (they're divorced) and my in-laws, whom she’s been bad-mouthing for the past year. After that, she stopped speaking to me and told me she’d never contact me again.

I’ve set these boundaries to protect my family, especially my wife, who cannot understand how someone can say such horrible things and doesn’t want to risk giving her the chance to ruin another special event.

I’m feeling stuck because, on one hand, I’d like my child to have a relationship with her grandmother, but my mother insists on doing things entirely on her own terms, which I can’t accept. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board- there are several of us here with mothers with BPD.

As difficult as this is, I think what you did was in the best interest of your family.  Yes, this is difficult and also upsetting but I think it also would have changed the peacefulness and intent of the ceremonies. These are about your family, your baby- not your mother.

While we don't want to hurt our mothers' feelings- this is your family and your baby (congratulations) and your main job is to look out for their well being.

It's unfortunate that we are in the situation to make a choice like this- your family's well being or pleasing your mother. One would wish it were possible to do both and in a more "normal" sense- it would be.

My "choice" situation was at a different context but it is similar. Since my parents were married, they visited my children together but I won't leave my mother alone with them. Also, as small children, the level of the relationship was different. However, when they got older and were "useful" to her, she began to enlist them as her emotional caretaker. I was not concerned about her being a physical danger to them but there is no way I'd allow her to be emotionally manipulative with them.

I had boundaries. She reacted angrily- and also my father got angry too. So being in the position of pleasing my parents or protecting my children, I made the only choice possible and yes, my parents were not pleased.

This is not unconditional love. Your mother will only accept you on her terms- doing what she wants, and yes, she's going to act insulted but not connect the decision to her own behavior. For my mother- I was the one "keeping her from her grandchildren".

As to your child having a relationship with their grandmother- the kind of relationship you wish for your child to have with her may not be the relationship that is actually possible. BPD affects all relationships.

My children are adults now. They understand mental illness and BPD and so they aren't blaming her or having mean feelings towards my BPD mother but they don't want a close relationship with her.  I leave it up to them. They keep a distance.

I wish things were different. Yes, we wish for our kids to have loving grandparents but if our parent isn't capable of that, then we do the best we can with it. Their well being comes first.

[CC43]

Hi there,

You seem to be very level-headed, and your priorities are right, in trying to protect your wife and child from a potentially toxic grandma.  However, I understand the desire to have a relationship with your mom, even if she makes it incredibly difficult for you to do so.

I know there's probably a long and painful backstory.  Moreover, holidays, special events and life changes seem to be a tinderbox of inflamed emotions for people with BPD.  However, I can't help but wonder, could you set up an environment that would be conducive to having some sort of short, and controlled, encounter with your mom?  For instance, I know that my parents were always off-kilter when they had to travel and function away from their familiar, comfortable home environment.  I also know that hosting people in their home could be disruptive and stressful for everyone.  If there multiple family members present, the chances of feeling slighted or offended multiply exponentially, and the encounter could erupt in chaos and frazzled nerves.  But might there be a safer ground, on a smaller scale, say inviting your mom out to lunch near her home?  Is there a convenient location that she likes, on her turf, where you could have a controlled encounter with your family over a couple of hours?  Or maybe (eventually) a child-friendly activity, like a visit to a local park or zoo?  Maybe that's a way you could accomplish your goal of having a relationship with your mom, but minimizing the chances of a blow-up.  Maybe I'd present it to her like this:  "Mom, we're planning to visit the zoo in your area on Saturday at 11, and we thought you might like to join us."  Then she has "control" in deciding to answer you or not, or to join you or not.  And if she replies but changes her mind or stands you up, you can just go ahead visit the zoo or have lunch by yourselves.  If she drives, let her drive to meet you, so that she retains "control," and if she loses it and wants to retreat on her own, that option is available to her, too.

I have a stepdaughter with BPD, and she still seems unable to handle holidays and encounters with various family members.  So what I do is say (or text) something like this:  "We're hosting Thanksgiving this year, and we're inviting you and the extended family for dinner, which we're planning to serve at 3 PM.  Of course, we'll have leftovers, and if you'd prefer to stop by on Friday, we'd love to see you then too."  Then I adjust my expectations:  I don't expect an RSVP.  She's the one who decides on Thanksgiving if she's able to face dinner, or maybe just stop by for dessert.  And I leave the door open to celebrate the holiday with the small group (just her dad and me) on Friday.  It's up to her to decide what she wants to do.  And I think even she doesn't know what she'll do until the last minute, depending on her mood.  This is what has worked best for us.

Just my two cents.  All my best to you and your growing family.

[Notwendy]

Although my outlook may be less hopeful for a relationship with someone with BPD, it's from the perspective of having tried to improve the relationship.  No matter what I tried- it was somehow sabotaged or she'd find something wrong with what I did. I agree we can't predict the future but this is from my own experiences.

I don't take accusations of abuse lightly- in fact, I didn't think there was abuse, as this was the "normal" I knew growing up, and it wasn't physical so there wasn't physical evidence. However, being a parent and being around other parents, I learned a sense of "normal" behavior for a parent.

I left home to go to college and since I didn't see the behavior as much, I assumed my parents' situation was OK. I did foster a relationship with my kids and my parents. I was very invested in this relationship because I was attached to my father and wanted the kids to know him too. He and my mother were a package deal.

I also still had hope and a wish. BPD mother had blamed me for any issues between us. I still had hope that somehow, through her being a grandmother might be a way for us to do better - that maybe somehow, I could be "good enough" to fix things between us.

My kids bonded with my father but seemed wary of my mother from the get go. My Dad would play with them, while she sat on the couch watching them. My kids responded by being fond of him but didn't connect with my mother.

Where things got difficult was when my father got ill. What I didn't realize was that Dad was doing the work of emotional caretaking, support and financial support for her and when he was sick, he couldn't do it as well. I went to stay with them to help- left my own kids at home. With Dad in the hospital, I was alone with my mother for the first time in decades. My parents had convinced me that this was "normal" family growing up but by then, I had known other families and how they coped. A neighbor had an illness, my friends were involved with their elderly parents. These were stressful situations for anyone but what I saw with my mother was something different. This was a psychiatric situation, her behavior was scary. The verbal and emotional abuse was intollerable and it was so concerning I called social services to try to protect my father.

One of my childhood promises was that, if I had a family one day, I would not allow my mother to treat my kids the way she treated me. As I mentioned before- this wasn't an issue with supervised visits when they were younger, but when the kids got to be young teens- they became useful to her and she began to try to get them to go off with her one on one. I know the kind of things she said to me when I was a teen and it was not appropriate to be in the position to be her confidant. She was also triangulating with other family members to align with her against me and I was concerned she'd do this with my kids. The kids themselves were uncomfortable around her. I felt there wasn't any other option but to have boundaries.

The result - my parents got angry at me. Until then, I was doing what they wanted me to do, and tolerating my mother's verbal and emotional abuse for the sake of their approval. For reference - this is at middle age for me.

But now, they wanted my kids in this same situation too- and I couldn't let them do that to them, I just couldn't. It was to continue to try to be a "good daughter" to my parents or protect my kids, I chose my kids.

Your mother isn't speaking to you at this time. With my mother, it's a cycle. She got angry once at us, told me she wasn't ever going to send the kids holiday presents again, stopped speaking to us. Some time later she called up asking what they wanted for their birthdays, as if nothing ever happened. My best guess is that your mother will likely do this too- come around, and act as if nothing happened- until she gets upset with something else. It's a pattern, a push pull cycle. At this point, you can decide what kind of contact you want. I also didn't go NC with my mother, and neither did my kids, but they keep a low contact with her. However, she at times has not been in contact with me.

You did not go NC with your mother. She's chosen to not speak to you and my guess is that, when she decides to, she will make contact with you again. What you are doing is riding the tide- the tide is up, it's down- she's doing what she's doing and you have no control over this. I found it's better to not be emotionally reactive and just stay neutral.

If your mother is connected to other family members, for me LC is easier to maintain as both of us are included in family events. How you will manage this is up to you and just to be aware- at some point you may need boundaries. Your mother will not like this, but your kids, they need you to stand up for them.