DIL, son & new grandson

[Parents! Get help here!]

Actually, this is not my first post, but it has been awhile, so honestly, I've forgotten where the 'post' button is on this website. Oops. I looked everywhere, but had to post as the 'first one' on the menu.
 
I will state immediately to you all in need of soothing, that I am not going to be nice .... Too many years of testing, and too much damage done by the DIL's 'presence' in my family. No mercy for 'Medusa'. (That is why I like 'Louise' / recently posted. She agrees with me that it is acceptable to be pissed off, I believe). We know BPD.

Okay, it is now October, and my last 'hello' was ~June. But unfortunately, it is the same sad story of a DIL long gone rogue in how to behave properly, even with BPD. The foreign issue here being that it's called taking responsibility, & that just isn't a thing for her. (Plus with my 6 mo. old grandson now in tow, it is even harder. She is an ignorant 'force of control' out of control, x2. (My son & my grandson as the victims)).... I have held my Gs maybe a total of 20 minutes since he was born on 4.4.24. (Her decision).

And no, nothing has improved, as unfortunately, she and I avoid one another like the plague.
And yes, admittedly, I do almost cry for my son often. (Also, I am very concerned about the future parental relationship between her & my grandson). Narcissists have a way of carelessly ruining the prospects of a child to have a 'great life'. And that is a lifetime of trying that my son will never be able to 'compete' with. (I just hope that my son & grandson develop a strong bond together, that even she can't penetrate easily with her psychological volatilities / games). Fingers crossed. (It is a topic which my husband, my daughter, (age 34,) & I, definitely think about).

So, it is truly a saga complete with operatic tears, always. (Am I being too dramatic? No, that is her jam).The exception to madness, is that I have purchased a cabin three hours away to leave this insanity more often. I realize how cold and selfish doing this sounds, but I am finally finding some peace from the wartime casualties in witnessing & experiencing first hand her treatment of others, plus my family.

And as luckily, my son and I are still trying to stay close, (I do for sure emphasize the word 'trying',) I will invite him to come up to visit sometimes. (But I don't forget to do my mental housecleaning, as I know that you know who will be coming too & 'possessing' his every word / action during our family gathering there). Another real problem? It is that while they are there, I am certain that I won't be holding my grandson much either.

Alright, I've vented enough for this Halloween season. In my family, they call it the (be-a) witching hour for a reason. Ha ha.

Praying loudly for every lady on this site. And all I can tell you is to keep the faith, (even if occasionally, you must direct it in 'other more positive directions' in order to take care of you) .... And BTW, go buy yourself a cabin! It helps!

Blackwing (for a reason).

[Blackwing]

Actually, this is not my first post, but it has been awhile, so honestly, I've forgotten where the 'post' button is on this website. Oops. I looked everywhere, but had to post as the 'first one' on the menu.
 
I will state immediately to you all in need of soothing, that I am not going to be nice .... Too many years of testing, and too much damage done by the DIL's 'presence' in my family. No mercy for 'Medusa'. (That is why I like 'Louise' / recently posted. She agrees with me that it is acceptable to be pissed off, I believe). We know BPD.

Okay, it is now October, and my last 'hello' was ~June. But unfortunately, it is the same sad story of a DIL long gone rogue in how to behave properly, even with BPD. The foreign issue here being that it's called taking responsibility, & that just isn't a thing for her. (Plus with my 6 mo. old grandson now in tow, it is even harder. She is an ignorant 'force of control' out of control, x2. (My son & my grandson as the victims)).... I have held my Gs maybe a total of 20 minutes since he was born on 4.4.24. (Her decision).

And no, nothing has improved, as unfortunately, she and I avoid one another like the plague.
And yes, admittedly, I do almost cry for my son often. (Also, I am very concerned about the future parental relationship between her & my grandson). Narcissists have a way of carelessly ruining the prospects of a child to have a 'great life'. And that is a lifetime of trying that my son will never be able to 'compete' with. (I just hope that my son & grandson develop a strong bond together, that even she can't penetrate easily with her psychological volatilities / games). Fingers crossed. (It is a topic which my husband, my daughter, (age 34,) & I, definitely think about).

So, it is truly a saga complete with operatic tears, always. (Am I being too dramatic? No, that is her jam).The exception to madness, is that I have purchased a cabin three hours away to leave this insanity more often. I realize how cold and selfish doing this sounds, but I am finally finding some peace from the wartime casualties in witnessing & experiencing first hand her treatment of others, plus my family.

And as luckily, my son and I are still trying to stay close, (I do for sure emphasize the word 'trying',) I will invite him to come up to visit sometimes. (But I don't forget to do my mental housecleaning, as I know that you know who will be coming too & 'possessing' his every word / action during our family gathering there). Another real problem? It is that while they are there, I am certain that I won't be holding my grandson much either.

Alright, I've vented enough for this Halloween season. In my family, they call it the (be-a) witching hour for a reason. Ha ha.

Praying loudly for every lady on this site. And all I can tell you is to keep the faith, (even if occasionally, you must direct it in 'other more positive directions' in order to take care of you) .... And BTW, go buy yourself a cabin! It helps!

Blackwing (for a reason).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Blackwing
The cabin sounds fantastic! The other great thing is that you and your son attempt to keep your relationship going, despite the difficulties that exist whenever and wherever BPD is part of the picture.

When one person has the misfortune to have BPD it has the potential to affect a wide circle of others in a very damaging way. For those affected, all cards have to be on the table in order to respect their own life. A cabin in the woods is amazing. It gives you distance and hopefully there will be an opportunity for ds to visit just with grandchild (through I agree your scenario is more likely!).

We have a right to feel angry for the powerlessness we experience and the way our lives are upended by this condition, and we can grieve the loss and gaps in our life that it causes.

A cabin in the woods . . . great!