Desperate for Resources

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My partner (ex of 2.5 weeks) has BPD and co-occurring weed addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic (8 years sober) with C-PTSD. We have a 1 year old son, who I am currently parenting solo because I'm a home owner with stable employment. My ex hasn't worked since February 2023 because he planned to be a stay-at-home parent until he started grad school. He was sober for 1 year, and then relapsed shortly after our son was born. We ended up putting our son in daycare after several months because the stay-at-home parenting wasn't working. We've fought almost nonstop for many months. The fights were escalating to the point where police were being called on a regular basis. We never physically harmed each other, but things were trending that way. We made numerous efforts to fix things by working with individual and couples' therapists, going on short trips to have some time and space apart, and living in separate areas of the house, all to no avail. Due to the ongoing safety problems and challenges maintaining sobriety while living with someone who has an active addiction, I made the difficult choice to evict him. Many professionals were urging me to recognize that I needed to provide a safer environment for my son. My ex is now living out of his truck while trying to attend grad school and coming back on the weekends to visit us, which has been turbulent, but slightly better. Even though I'm desperately trying to get myself out of this bad situation, we're still caught in a vicious cycle. I care about him and don't want to hurt him, so I've been reverting to my old patterns of allowing him to bulldoze boundaries. I feel stuck and don't know what else to do. I'm hoping someone on here can relate and maybe point me to to resources for community that will understand this.

[Datum313]

My partner (ex of 2.5 weeks) has BPD and co-occurring weed addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic (8 years sober) with C-PTSD. We have a 1 year old son, who I am currently parenting solo because I'm a home owner with stable employment. My ex hasn't worked since February 2023 because he planned to be a stay-at-home parent until he started grad school. He was sober for 1 year, and then relapsed shortly after our son was born. We ended up putting our son in daycare after several months because the stay-at-home parenting wasn't working. We've fought almost nonstop for many months. The fights were escalating to the point where police were being called on a regular basis. We never physically harmed each other, but things were trending that way. We made numerous efforts to fix things by working with individual and couples' therapists, going on short trips to have some time and space apart, and living in separate areas of the house, all to no avail. Due to the ongoing safety problems and challenges maintaining sobriety while living with someone who has an active addiction, I made the difficult choice to evict him. Many professionals were urging me to recognize that I needed to provide a safer environment for my son. My ex is now living out of his truck while trying to attend grad school and coming back on the weekends to visit us, which has been turbulent, but slightly better. Even though I'm desperately trying to get myself out of this bad situation, we're still caught in a vicious cycle. I care about him and don't want to hurt him, so I've been reverting to my old patterns of allowing him to bulldoze boundaries. I feel stuck and don't know what else to do. I'm hoping someone on here can relate and maybe point me to to resources for community that will understand this.

[kells76]

Hi Datum313 and welcome  Glad you found us and reached out for some support. Nothing you shared sounds unusual, crazy, unsolvable, or "too much" -- we really get it here.

Sounds like things were volatile and getting more volatile. Can I read between the lines and guess that stuff was being thrown and broken in the home, even if not at each other? Door slamming, yelling, getting in each others' faces...? any of that kind of close to what was going on?

It does sound safer for both of you and S1 that the two adults do not live together right now. I hear you on trying to make it work and just hitting dead ends -- this isn't what you wanted, but nothing else was working.

Given that he's living out of the home now, tell me some more about the vicious cycle that you mentioned. What is it that keeps recurring? The fights? Physical stuff? Verbal conflict? Something else?

And walk me through how it looks when you "allow him to bulldoze boundaries". True boundaries -- rules for ourselves -- are often unintuitive. Sometimes, when we reframe boundaries less as "rules for others that I hope they agree to" and more as "rules for ourselves that are 100% under our control", our choices can become more clear.

Looking forward to reading more about your situation, and again,

[ForeverDad]

Many professionals were urging me to recognize that I needed to provide a safer environment for my son. My ex is now living out of his truck while trying to attend grad school and coming back on the weekends to visit us, which has been turbulent, but slightly better.

Where is your ex staying when he comes back to visit on the weekends?  If he is staying in your home then that may very well be a boundary he shouldn't be crossing.  If so, it would be only another small step before he was staying more and more in your home.  That's a concern I have, that he could gradually morph back into your lives without assuring personal improvement.

One boundary that's rather firm for most of us is that our ex-partners shouldn't stay in our homes.  (My ex never allowed me into her home and I reciprocated similarly, not even brief visits  until years later when our son was grown.)  Our home is our "turf" and is a typical boundary with the ex.  Unless he can overcome his addictions and issues over extended time, it is best to limit his visits to parenting time.

[Datum313]

Sounds like things were volatile and getting more volatile. Can I read between the lines and guess that stuff was being thrown and broken in the home, even if not at each other? Door slamming, yelling, getting in each others' faces...? any of that kind of close to what was going on?

Yes to all of that. He also liked to provoke & record, hoping to build a court case to portray me as the "true abuser" and unfit parent. I definitely concede that it's not good for S1 to see me yelling and dysregulated, but I haven't done anything illegal. My ex has also crossed a lot of sexual lines with questionable legality. I'm working with my therapist to process that and would rather keep the details private.

Given that he's living out of the home now, tell me some more about the vicious cycle that you mentioned. What is it that keeps recurring? The fights? Physical stuff? Verbal conflict? Something else?
And walk me through how it looks when you "allow him to bulldoze boundaries". True boundaries -- rules for ourselves -- are often unintuitive. Sometimes, when we reframe boundaries less as "rules for others that I hope they agree to" and more as "rules for ourselves that are 100% under our control", our choices can become more clear.

After 2 weeks of almost no contact, I pitied him and allowed him to come back into the home to spend some time with S1. We got along (somewhat) and I allowed him to be physical with me. I asserted that I wasn't interested in getting back together, but I think he's confused about that. Since then, he's been trying to make demands again. I recognize my own failure to uphold enforceable boundaries. I didn't have to let him into the home. I didn't have to have sex with him. And I don't have to do what he's demanding. He's plays a strong manipulation game and I often give in for the sake of trying to have a little peace.

[Datum313]

Where is your ex staying when he comes back to visit on the weekends?  If he is staying in your home then that may very well be a boundary he shouldn't be crossing.  If so, it would be only another small step before he was staying more and more in your home.  That's a concern I have, that he could gradually morph back into your lives without assuring personal improvement.

One boundary that's rather firm for most of us is that our ex-partners shouldn't stay in our homes.  (My ex never allowed me into her home and I reciprocated similarly, not even brief visits  until years later when our son was grown.)  Our home is our "turf" and is a typical boundary with the ex.  Unless he can overcome his addictions and issues over extended time, it is best to limit his visits to parenting time.

He mostly stays in his truck. He spent 2 nights in the home and then left on his own terms. I agree he might try to weasel his way back in, even though he says he won't. He's convinced himself that he doesn't have the financial means to afford his own place, which isn't true. He might have to drop out of grad school and get a job instead, or use his inheritance, but he's not helpless. My hope was that if I gave him a little S1 time, he'd emotionally regulate enough to look into his housing options. As soon as he has his own place, I'll feel less concerned that he'll try to move back in with me. I should probably just stay out of it and let his crappy situation become the motivator to change, but I'm having a hard time watching S1's other dad struggle so much because I feel like it's my fault, even though I know better.

[ForeverDad]

Ah, so he's not that destitute... inheritance means he could support himself sufficient to lives a life with grad school and a place to live.  In most jurisdictions inheritance remains his unless he blends it with relationship finances such as putting it in joint accounts.

My hope was that if I gave him a little S1 time, he'd emotionally regulate enough to look into his housing options.

Beware of these transactional (quid pro quo) thoughts and hopes.  To you and us here in peer support that would be logical and obvious common sense.  To a disordered person, self centered perceptions trump regular life.