First time in this particular board with a new relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

Gosh... it's been about 4 months NC with my extreme BPD ex. The dust settled. He's gone (but moved to my town and will eventually do something to reengage). But this post isn't about him... I regained my strength, fell back in love with my life, put myself out there with a new resolve, and I have met a new man.


He seemed SO secure. He has literally everything. We are so so so similar and it's not due to mirroring. It's uncanny how perfect we seem to be for each other in so many ways. He's had an extremely successful career. He's got a wonderful family. His mother is a psychologist. He's 5 years older than me 42 and has been living a fulfilling life, albeit he's been a little avoidant with the women in his life. I figured it was because he was chasing his goals and had high standards. I mean, we talked about that. He and I never quite found "the one" or the "perfect match," although I certainly take the word perfect with a grain of salt. In the first week or so of chatting, it felt like I had finally found a secure man with whom to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

I was very honest about my past experience with the BPD ex. I told him I have a history of attracting people with personality disorder traits. I tried to be so clear in the vetting process. I told him I was my ex's "favorite person." I told him I have been the "favorite person" for so many people (family, friends, students, and lovers). It all seemed so bizarre to him. He had literally no idea about BPD and what I explained just seemed completely irrational and illogical... Phew! He couldn't relate... I thought I was in the clear.

He seemed smitten on the first date. Halfway through the date, he brought up my exes and said, "Honestly, it might be YOU... because now I am feeling crazy." After our first date I could feel his intense feelings for me and his insecurity creeping in... his need for validation and soothing with all these "puppy love" emotions.

He said "I love you" on the second date... in his defense, he had a bit to drink... but about 30 minutes after the "I love you," he tried to push me away and reject me. He started explaining why it wouldn't work. It made no sense... other than "splitting." I shed lots of tears, and I felt triggered as I had with my ex. He lives 2 hours away, so he had to stay on the couch. The next morning we talked and processed it. He told me that he's never done anything remotely like that before... but he's also not had these feelings for anyone as he does for me, so this is all new and a bit terrifying for him. He was so ashamed.

We decided to continue, but this happened more than once, sometimes over the phone and once again in person. Last night I woke up to 14 text messages. I had texted him goodnight and fallen asleep, only for that to trigger his abandonment at some point an hour later. He was pushing me away again over text message. I confronted him about this again this morning. He is, again, mortified about what he has become. I told him I didn't cause it, can't cure it, all that. He takes full responsibility. He's going to see his therapist and talk to his mother.

It's been ONE MONTH since we started seeing each other. This man has a very unhealthy love obsession with me. He has told me countless times that he wants to marry me. He wants to move to my town. He is looking for jobs closer. He is modifying all of his life plans to include me. He has already told his family that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. His family and friends are so completely shocked because this is out-of-character for him. He's never talked about a woman this way. He's never felt this way. He is SERIOUS and wants things to move so damn fast because he feels like he has won the lottery. It's honestly suffocating, but at the same time, his love bombing makes me feel so darn good. His splitting is relatively mild compared to my ex, but it will likely get worse and it will destroy any possibility of a future we can have.

I am not trying to fix this man. I just hold him accountable and try to offer validation. I am trying to use the skills from my last relationship to lower the temperature.

He has said, "You're my favorite person in the whole world," the most favorite person he has ever met. Mind you, this man has met thousands and thousands of people. He's dated models. He's best friends with professional athletes. This is very validating for me that such a high-value man is so seemingly obsessed with me, but, of course, it terrifies me. It feels like a tinderbox and when there's a spark, there could be an explosion... and I have seen that happen four times in one month. He's not scary... he doesn't have "rage blackouts," and he only seems to split when he's had alcohol and gets to feeling vulnerable... but this isn't OK. If this isn't fixed, it will undoubtedly continue. I am not naive in thinking that it will resolve itself naturally over time. This is due to some emotional wounding that bubbles up to the surface when he's impaired. He's suggested he just stop drinking... I told him that's not going to solve whatever pain is manifesting... it will just keep it buried deep until he thinks the coast is clear... and it will unravel him again. I don't wish to experience that. I am all too familiar with it.

I tell myself I can handle this one. I can be supportive as he works through whatever pain and abandonment is manifesting now that he's feeling so vulnerable with me. I don't want to let this one go. Being with him is effortless. He's such a gentleman. He's so fun. He "gets" me. He loves every single aspect of me... I recognize the love-bombing, but it's coming from a genuine place. I don't suspect this is about trying to "capture" me, but it could be.

I don't really know what to do. So far, I am calling it out. When I see something, I say something. I also use all my communication skills to do so in a way that validates and does not shame. I hold the line with my self-respect and my boundaries. I wait until he's in a better state of mind to process the mess. He's reasonable. He takes full responsibility. He's dedicated to making changes. He's also dedicated to fixing it himself because he doesn't want me to feel like I am "fixing" him. The very idea of that makes him sick... so, in my opinion, this is very promising. I think we CAN overcome this.

I really want this to work... more than I have ever wanted any relationship to work. He's everything I have ever wanted... at least that's what it feels like and seems like for now. He can't "fake" the person he has been with me. There's also a world of evidence that proves that he's real. I have been talking with my therapist about this. I have been taking his advice in "taking note" of what I see, holding boundaries, holding him accountable, not allowing my feelings for him to turn into self-deception or rationalization... but he's totally displaying BPD traits and there's obviously feelings of abandonment. I have taken notes enough to recognize that and not explain it away. Now I just gotta figure out the best pathway forward, whatever that looks like.

Please, please, please, please provide me with any insight about this. What do I need to know? What do I need to hear?

[HealthTeacher]

Hello everyone,

Gosh... it's been about 4 months NC with my extreme BPD ex. The dust settled. He's gone (but moved to my town and will eventually do something to reengage). But this post isn't about him... I regained my strength, fell back in love with my life, put myself out there with a new resolve, and I have met a new man.


He seemed SO secure. He has literally everything. We are so so so similar and it's not due to mirroring. It's uncanny how perfect we seem to be for each other in so many ways. He's had an extremely successful career. He's got a wonderful family. His mother is a psychologist. He's 5 years older than me 42 and has been living a fulfilling life, albeit he's been a little avoidant with the women in his life. I figured it was because he was chasing his goals and had high standards. I mean, we talked about that. He and I never quite found "the one" or the "perfect match," although I certainly take the word perfect with a grain of salt. In the first week or so of chatting, it felt like I had finally found a secure man with whom to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

I was very honest about my past experience with the BPD ex. I told him I have a history of attracting people with personality disorder traits. I tried to be so clear in the vetting process. I told him I was my ex's "favorite person." I told him I have been the "favorite person" for so many people (family, friends, students, and lovers). It all seemed so bizarre to him. He had literally no idea about BPD and what I explained just seemed completely irrational and illogical... Phew! He couldn't relate... I thought I was in the clear.

He seemed smitten on the first date. Halfway through the date, he brought up my exes and said, "Honestly, it might be YOU... because now I am feeling crazy." After our first date I could feel his intense feelings for me and his insecurity creeping in... his need for validation and soothing with all these "puppy love" emotions.

He said "I love you" on the second date... in his defense, he had a bit to drink... but about 30 minutes after the "I love you," he tried to push me away and reject me. He started explaining why it wouldn't work. It made no sense... other than "splitting." I shed lots of tears, and I felt triggered as I had with my ex. He lives 2 hours away, so he had to stay on the couch. The next morning we talked and processed it. He told me that he's never done anything remotely like that before... but he's also not had these feelings for anyone as he does for me, so this is all new and a bit terrifying for him. He was so ashamed.

We decided to continue, but this happened more than once, sometimes over the phone and once again in person. Last night I woke up to 14 text messages. I had texted him goodnight and fallen asleep, only for that to trigger his abandonment at some point an hour later. He was pushing me away again over text message. I confronted him about this again this morning. He is, again, mortified about what he has become. I told him I didn't cause it, can't cure it, all that. He takes full responsibility. He's going to see his therapist and talk to his mother.

It's been ONE MONTH since we started seeing each other. This man has a very unhealthy love obsession with me. He has told me countless times that he wants to marry me. He wants to move to my town. He is looking for jobs closer. He is modifying all of his life plans to include me. He has already told his family that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. His family and friends are so completely shocked because this is out-of-character for him. He's never talked about a woman this way. He's never felt this way. He is SERIOUS and wants things to move so damn fast because he feels like he has won the lottery. It's honestly suffocating, but at the same time, his love bombing makes me feel so darn good. His splitting is relatively mild compared to my ex, but it will likely get worse and it will destroy any possibility of a future we can have.

I am not trying to fix this man. I just hold him accountable and try to offer validation. I am trying to use the skills from my last relationship to lower the temperature.

He has said, "You're my favorite person in the whole world," the most favorite person he has ever met. Mind you, this man has met thousands and thousands of people. He's dated models. He's best friends with professional athletes. This is very validating for me that such a high-value man is so seemingly obsessed with me, but, of course, it terrifies me. It feels like a tinderbox and when there's a spark, there could be an explosion... and I have seen that happen four times in one month. He's not scary... he doesn't have "rage blackouts," and he only seems to split when he's had alcohol and gets to feeling vulnerable... but this isn't OK. If this isn't fixed, it will undoubtedly continue. I am not naive in thinking that it will resolve itself naturally over time. This is due to some emotional wounding that bubbles up to the surface when he's impaired. He's suggested he just stop drinking... I told him that's not going to solve whatever pain is manifesting... it will just keep it buried deep until he thinks the coast is clear... and it will unravel him again. I don't wish to experience that. I am all too familiar with it.

I tell myself I can handle this one. I can be supportive as he works through whatever pain and abandonment is manifesting now that he's feeling so vulnerable with me. I don't want to let this one go. Being with him is effortless. He's such a gentleman. He's so fun. He "gets" me. He loves every single aspect of me... I recognize the love-bombing, but it's coming from a genuine place. I don't suspect this is about trying to "capture" me, but it could be.

I don't really know what to do. So far, I am calling it out. When I see something, I say something. I also use all my communication skills to do so in a way that validates and does not shame. I hold the line with my self-respect and my boundaries. I wait until he's in a better state of mind to process the mess. He's reasonable. He takes full responsibility. He's dedicated to making changes. He's also dedicated to fixing it himself because he doesn't want me to feel like I am "fixing" him. The very idea of that makes him sick... so, in my opinion, this is very promising. I think we CAN overcome this.

I really want this to work... more than I have ever wanted any relationship to work. He's everything I have ever wanted... at least that's what it feels like and seems like for now. He can't "fake" the person he has been with me. There's also a world of evidence that proves that he's real. I have been talking with my therapist about this. I have been taking his advice in "taking note" of what I see, holding boundaries, holding him accountable, not allowing my feelings for him to turn into self-deception or rationalization... but he's totally displaying BPD traits and there's obviously feelings of abandonment. I have taken notes enough to recognize that and not explain it away. Now I just gotta figure out the best pathway forward, whatever that looks like.

Please, please, please, please provide me with any insight about this. What do I need to know? What do I need to hear?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi again HealthTeacher and welcome to the Bettering board, where we focus on ourselves!

I definitely hear a lot of intensity going on, and I also hear you that you experience many positives to the relationship. You're in good company here; many members want to continue in/stay in a BPD relationship for a variety of unique reasons, and we support members in developing and working on themselves so that the relationship may have a better chance (though there are no guarantees).

Something important to think through might be separating out his contributions to the dynamic vs your contributions to the dynamic.

It sounds like he contributes a lot to the relational dynamic: intensity, push-pull behaviors, rapid emotional changes, etc. Those aren't negligible.

But if we were to sort of put those to the side in a box, we could also focus on your contributions, independent of what he brings.

These are important things to get out in the open, and it's good you could describe them here:

I have a history of attracting people with personality disorder traits.

It's been ONE MONTH since we started seeing each other.

his love bombing makes me feel so darn good.

This is very validating for me that such a high-value man is so seemingly obsessed with me

I really want this to work... more than I have ever wanted any relationship to work. He's everything I have ever wanted...

My thought is to start there. What are the pros and cons of those contributions? How might they be impacting your experience of this relationship so far?

Glad you're here working through these thoughts.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you, Kells76.

Full transparency here about my feelings and where I am at:

- Had none of the love bombing, moving so fast, and splitting ever happened, I am fully confident that this would be healthy and, honestly, ideal... and I am desperate to get out of the intensity and into that space. I actually have a spreadsheet that I use when dating... it may sound cold, but it helps me remain more objective. I have a whole scoring system with all of my wants and needs... and this man ticks EVERY box (except the one regarding this mental health issue). I feel like, objectively, I have quite possibly found "the one."

- Everything he says that is "fast" and "bombing" is exactly what I want to hear. I know this. The thing is, I don't need to hear it. I am perfectly confident and content. I don't need his validation. My cup is full... but he pours and pours and pours into it, making the cup run over, and it is intoxicating for me. I am sure it could be for just about anyone, but I may be wrong. I have pushed back against it in gentle ways so as not to scare him off because I know it is a vulnerable time for him in particular. I told my therapist that it feels like I am on a steep hill... and with more love-bombing and future-talking, I can feel the hill getting steeper and steeper and I am afraid I will lose my grip and fall to the bottom. At first, I could stand... then I had to lean... and now I am gripping this as if it is a cliff. He has encouraged me to do whatever I can to hold on and not allow this to pull me under, no matter how good it feels. Don't drink the Kool-aid... remain objective... don't fall in. Truth-be-told... I still have my grip, but daannnngggg....

- The most honest and vulnerable thing I can say, aside from all of this, is that I am quickly approaching 38 years old and I suspect I am perimenopausal. I want to try my shot at having a family and I recognize that relationships build over time... and if I found my person, it might not be until I am at least 40 before I could "try" to conceive. I didn't think I would find a person who would be as eager as I am to get this party started. My BPD ex and I were a few months away from engagement and a lot closer to planning for a baby... until I had just about all I could take. I had not only mourned the loss of what I had with him, but I mourned the loss of a future that would be a lot easier to conceive. I had spoken with my therapist at-length about this... my "plan" and someone fitting into it. I had actually come to terms with this JUST before meeting my new bf. I had reconciled that the most important thing was to be happy. The reason I was single and childless was because I have been vigilant about not marrying or starting a family with the wrong person. I had said for years that I would rather die alone than live miserable or unfulfilled just for the sake of having children that would likely suffer in that situation. I needed to return to that mindset even though the time was running out. I had let go of the fantasy that whoever I would meet, this high-value gentleman, would likely not derail their own plans to fit into mine... move in with me... make it all easier for ME. I knew that real happiness wouldn't come so easy. It wouldn't be so turn-key... and if it was, it was likely due to some emotional problem on my end or their end. I wanted to put my money where my mouth is. I had put in the work. I had dropped the fantasy. I accepted, once again, that I just need to focus on the reality of the situation and not the fantasy. I was looking for a high-value man and I wasn't going to settle... I fell back in love with my life and again recognized that I am very happy, even alone. I don't need a toxic man to come in and mess up the success and happiness I have that I have worked so hard for. I was BACK BABY! Then we found each other. I found a high-value man who ticked every box... and GUESS WHAT, he wanted exactly what I wanted and he was ready to start ASAP.  I was like "you have GOT to be kidding... dreams really do come true?!?!? You mean I CAN HAVE THAT AFTER ALL?!?!?"

- His challenges are also familiar to me. This is why I become so insightful and supportive when the splitting starts. I have been there... I have been "that guy" in relationships, but I have also put in a lot of work in therapy (a LOT). I am so compassionate and I do recognise that success is, in fact, possible. When these situations occur and he takes responsibility and shows me how mature he can be about fixing it... it makes me feel even better. Isn't that odd? In a way? How he "makes up" and shows his dedication to personal growth is another way I fall in love with him. For me, I have not encountered so much maturity in the aftermath. That also feels familiar. I feel like stepping away from him at a time when he may actually face this and fix it would be "throwing the baby out with the bathwater" and essentially abandoning my former self.

[Notwendy]

Hello everyone,

Gosh... it's been about 4 months NC with my extreme BPD ex.


In the first week or so of chatting, it felt like I had finally found a secure man with whom to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship.


He seemed smitten on the first date. Halfway through the date, he brought up my exes and said, "Honestly, it might be YOU... because now I am feeling crazy."

He said "I love you" on the second date...

He told me that he's never done anything remotely like that before... but he's also not had these feelings for anyone as he does for me, so this is all new and a bit terrifying for him. He was so ashamed.

We decided to continue, but this happened more than once, sometimes over the phone and once again in person. Last night I woke up to 14 text messages.

It's been ONE MONTH since we started seeing each other. This man has a very unhealthy love obsession with me. He has told me countless times that he wants to marry me. He wants to move to my town. He is looking for jobs closer. He is modifying all of his life plans to include me. He has already told his family that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
It's honestly suffocating, but at the same time, his love bombing makes me feel so darn good. His splitting is relatively mild compared to my ex, but it will likely get worse and it will destroy any possibility of a future we can have.

I am not trying to fix this man. I just hold him accountable and try to offer validation. I am trying to use the skills from my last relationship to lower the temperature.

He has said, "You're my favorite person in the whole world," the most favorite person he has ever met. 

I really want this to work... more than I have ever wanted any relationship to work. He's everything I have ever wanted... at least that's what it feels like and seems like for now.

Please, please, please, please provide me with any insight about this. What do I need to know? What do I need to hear?

I don't know if you want to hear it ------ but IMHO the speed at which this is going is waaaay too fast. I'm not saying leave but - you have been together one month and he's saying all this and you feel he's everything you have ever wanted?

IMHO- there is no possible way to know each other that well in one month. The exception may be an arranged dating/marriage situation as done in some cultures where the families have already vetted the couple for compatibility, but in the dating world where people just meet, I don't think so.

Four months out of a relationship is also very soon to have fully emotionally felt "together".

I am not saying "leave" and maybe it's possible that he is the one for you---- but if he is the one for you forever, he'll still be that person weeks from now. Time will tell with this---IMHO- slow and with caution is safer than speeding.

[Notwendy]

Understanding the baby thing- yes you don't want to go too slow but you are also choosing the father of your possible baby. So- going a bit slower may help you to assess this.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you, Notwendy.

These are the types of things I say to him and I say to myself to take down the temperature and calm him (and me) down. When he says he loves me, I remind him that he has a lot to learn about me and I have a lot to learn about him. The speed is entirely too fast. He's painfully aware of this too. His family doesn't think so... but I would say that his mother, the psychologist, is biased. She wants him to be so happy. She's never seen him so happy... and I am sure she is eager to have a grandchild. He certainly needs to talk to a therapist, which was one of the conclusions we reinforced this morning.

Essentially, this is dangerous for both of us. He feels like a simp. He feels crazy. He feels vulnerable. He feels so in love. He has no idea what to do. We talk about it often. I remind him that we don't have to make any decisions... just enjoy our time together and things will unfold the way they are supposed to. The energy is like a drug, which makes it toxic simultaneously. I am afraid that his inability to cope with this, mixed with my deep-seeded desire to have everything he is promising.

I have dated a lot of people. I have learned so much about who I am and what I want/need. So far, he's checking every box---including those I didn't even realize I had. For him, it's the same. We are in the same place... but I have done a lot more work than he has with therapy and it is really showing. He's now faced with either fixing it or I will have to leave him behind. The problem is... and I hate acknowledging this... I am not good at leaving something when it's more good than it is bad... but when he threatened to leave Saturday night while he was splitting... I said "not this again... OK, then go. I am not playing cat and mouse. If you leave, then you are not coming back." He didn't get the response he wanted. He then started telling me why it would never work between us. I told him "I respect your opinion and if you don't want to be with me, then please go." Then he started crying and the tantrum continued, except I made him leave the bedroom and handle his feelings himself. I am proud of myself for not getting triggered. This gives me hope that if things don't improve, I can actually leave. I wasn't bluffing. I am just concerned that as we get more involved with each other... I might develop the codependency that this love-bombing and future-planning can create in a person.

I do not want to stop seeing him. He's worth it... at least it totally seems that way. Even if he cannot ground himself, I am trying my best to remain grounded... but I am also participating in the love. I am affectionate. I let him know that I do want those things... so long as they are healthy and he gets his sh*t together. When we have these conversations, he responds maturely and appropriately. The problem is... that so far, the problem remains... and the more time he spends with me, the harder he's falling for me and the more I am falling for him.

[HealthTeacher]

Also, just to provide more context... although it has only been a month, the first date was only one evening, but the second time we spent time together it was a three-day weekend... then it was a four-day weekend... and this past week he arrived on Thursday and stayed until I left for work on Tuesday... so even though it's only been a month, we have had about 13 days together... and when we are apart, he texts me throughout the day... we have phone calls... this is also why it is smothering. I know I can tell put in more boundaries... but I honestly would hate to because I DO want to spend all this time with him. It feels magical. It feels so easy. We have easily spent 1/3 of the past month on top of each other, making memories, having quality time, having a variety of experiences, having deep conversations... he met some of my friends, spent a day with my mother, and I have met some of his best friends. It's intoxicating... and it's incredibly fast... and suffocating... but I am not stopping it, so I need to take responsibility for that.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's your relationship and your decision. Seems you are going into it with open eyes.

[314rabbit]

Hi HealthTeacher,

I've been in a similar situation, eerily so. A few years ago, I was a health teacher in a long distance relationship with someone who had BPD. As a new relationship, the love bombing was incredible, with this person writing songs about me and telling me that I was perfect, etc. It quickly turned sour, and I held on for dear life.

People would encourage me to leave, and I ignored their warnings against my own best interests. Long distance relationships with BPDs have an intensity during in person visits that isn't normal for long term relationship building. I spent every waking minute when we were apart texting and calling with them. I abandoned all of the other relationships around me for this person.

Something I've learned recently about being with people with BPD is to have my own things going on. Give yourself some respite so you have time to understand how your own life is going, not just how it's going with your partner. Take note of what you think about when you're apart. Is it that you miss your partner, worry about them, think about the bad things are going on, etc.? Can you have time that is not centered around your partner's mental health?

I wish that someone had checked in with me on the quality of my life during that time. I may have made the same choices, but I'd like to think that I would have spent more time focusing on the things I enjoyed.