Struggling with walking away - the temptation to go back and keep talking.

[Edude17]

I recently got swept up into a whirlwind encounter with someone I highly suspect has BPD. Intense idolization of me, mood swings, selfish behavior manifesting through jealousy and other controlling efforts, serial flirting/bedwarming, the works. It's not my first time connecting with someone with BPD, but it happened again, and right now I'm doing everything in my power to stay away. I already messed up. I exited really well, firmly and clearly, blocking her on all available platforms. But like a person trying to stay away (And tempt fate, I know) I unblocked her to read the final conversation to remind myself of the pain. And that lead to, of course, her seeing me unblocked her, and now before where I kind of ended on a solid note, she was able to take back some of her emotional momentum.

I'm ashamed of how I wanted her to suffer without me. I'm ashamed at wanting to talk to her so badly it hurts. I'm angry at myself for ruining my image to her, now doubtlessly she sees me as weaker, less on that pedestal. Which I know is counterproductive. I just miss her so much. Or, I know, just the connection: The IDEA of her attention and relationship. I need help not going back, badly.

This relationship hits much different than my last one with BPD, which I had a decade ago (almost exactly, about 2 months off in timing). The jealousy, constant fear of saying the wrong thing or losing her interest, hyper awareness of others shes talking to (And likely courting), and constant anxiety in my chest are the same though. I left because she promised me she would no longer message a guy who openly flirted with her, and I needed baseline trust. So since she broke the promise, even if SHE hadn't technically flirted or done anything, I knew it was just a matter of time. That she was testing my limits, transgressing my boundaries for the thrill of it. We both had very taboo tastes, so I can't fault her for seeking that thrilling hit of "She's not supposed to text him", but I could read her well, manipulations and all, and made it clear that she could not go behind MY back, or betray MY trust. And she did. So I left.

And It's killing me. It's absolutely killing me. Please, anyone help me out.

[kells76]

Hi Edude17 and a warm

So many people here will be able to understand what you're going through -- it sounds like at some level, you've made a conscious/rational choice to end the relationship, yet that choice hasn't really impacted your feelings yet, and your feelings/emotions are sending you strong messages to communicate to her.

I think I'm reading a lot of focus on her in your post, too -- lots of speculating about what position your choices put her in, how you've made the wrong move and now she's in a better position emotionally, how you've messed up your image with her...? Any of that on target?

That's interesting to me. I wonder why that is still important to you -- what do you think?

It can be normal to be in this place right after an intense breakup (and I hear you about the intensity in your whirlwind encounter... the jealousy, high alert, emotional rollercoaster, etc), where you may be on a trajectory towards detachment but not there yet. Detachment might look more like: it's irrelevant to you what she thinks of you. Right now, though, it sounds like you're looking for support and tools to get to that destination. That is pretty typical -- I don't think many people here get to true detachment right away. Grief is a process, and whatever else was going on, you are experiencing loss.

I'm curious if you've had a chance to check out our lessons on Detaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship yet? If you have a minute, take a look, and let us know what you really relate to right now.

We'll be here;

kells76

[Edude17]

Thank you so much for your response. I've taken the time to thoroughly read through much of the linked post (And the sub links in the post) and found them very helpful. In a lot of ways, it helped me rationalize the fact that I'm not alone in this painful cycle. It also, admittedly, drew me in to believe that "If I just adopt some of these communication techniques..." bargaining.

She and I were very matched on some important things in my life, and it did make me feel "whole" for as real or fake as it was. So it's hard to not want to go back. It was all online, so there's an insidious idea that if I'm just able to be with her in person... Put a monitoring app on her phone, limit her contact, essentially act as a prison warden, then it'll all be fine. But do I want that? Do I constantly want to live, anticipating a jailbreak? Forcing affection through control because she can't control herself? And as much as I think it's tempting as hell, it's also something I don't want to have to do to be in a relationship. I of course can't call it a loving one, given the inherent flaws.

You're correct about my focus being on her and her perspective. It's because I left in the honeymoon stage, where I'm still quite hooked. Even knowing better after my first time, even seeing her test the boundaries, it's still something my deep mind hopes is salvageable. I'm working now on staying away for me, but failing. I keep opening an app to see if she's been texting me, as some sort of weird validation that I still matter to her. And that really needs to stop. I know the failure it represents, that lack of ability to move on, the idea we can reconcile, that I'll be in her mind forever. I already know she'll replace me soon, and I know by looking I'm only hurting myself. It's just SO hard to move on, even if my rational mind knows and is aware of my own emotional pitfalls and the correct things to want/do.