Just got cutoff after 3 year relationship. Help

[Danflashes]

just ended a three-year relationship with someone I strongly suspect has Quiet BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I didn’t know much about this disorder before, but now, three weeks after her split and no contact, I’m finally putting the pieces together.

We are both in our late 30s, divorced, and have children. We lived two hours apart. When we first met, it felt like instant "love," and we were immediately in the infatuation stage. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. She was gorgeous, thought I was funny, and the intimacy between us was unbelievable.

When we met, I was less than a year out from my sudden separation and divorce from my ex-wife. I was unemployed (I have a stable career now and did before this time), gambled a lot, and knew almost every bartender in town. During our first date, several bartenders greeted me by name—a clear red flag. But none of it mattered; we instantly hit it off and spent the night together. What followed was three months of bliss. However, I hadn’t fully healed from my marriage and had some anger issues. Despite this, she stuck by me until she left for the first time after about three months. I don’t really blame her; I was a mess. But she mentioned that she had finally felt like herself, and I took it as if I had made her complete. I didn’t realize until later that she said this same thing four different times throughout and right after our relationship.

About a year in, the stresses of long-distance and managing kids began to get to me, and I asked for a break. She became instantly clingy and begged for another chance. We got back together, and the infatuation resumed. We even began discussing marriage. However, there was always a reason to postpone—her ex would cause issues about the kids, she loved her job, or she was scared of messing up another marriage. Her ex was a mentally abusive person and had damaged her self-confidence and decision-making. Despite these challenges, I felt loved, secure, and ready to settle down.

Then, around the 19-month mark, she started working night shifts and began to pull away. I could sense something was wrong in our previously wonderful relationship. One day, she told me she couldn’t do it anymore, citing issues from the beginning of our relationship that she still couldn’t get past. Fortunately, I’ve been going to therapy for the past four years and felt secure, but I was devastated by this turn of events. I respected her request for no contact, but after about ten days, I reached out to tell her I was thinking of her and was there if she needed to talk. She melted, telling me how devastated she was and how much she regretted everything. Back on the rollercoaster we went. Edit: shortly after this time I saw she had a 100 day snap sneak with a male coworker. Including one message that I saw hwere complemented her looks. I asked her what she was getting out of this exchange she fell silent and said nothing. They stopped communicating.

I had always made it clear that I wanted to get married, and she told me she wanted to be together forever. My therapist urged me to set a timeline for marriage or bring the relationship to a close, but out of my own fear of losing her, I kept letting things slide.

Over the past 18 months, I had changed all the behaviors she found undesirable, like never showing anger. According to her, everything was "perfect," "amazing," and "wonderful."

She has two sisters and a mother and has always been particularly close with one sister and her mother. However, something happened during a trip they took together in February. She said they became passive-aggressive, and she wasn’t sure why. They all stopped talking, and from then on, she only spoke to her mother about childcare arrangements. They stopped hanging out entirely. I was very concerned and offered to help reconcile in any way possible, but her family didn’t like me. Looking back, it’s possible she embellished our fights since she isolated me from her friends and family, giving them no frame of reference other than her side of the story. I offered to meet them one-on-one to "clear the air," even though I had no idea what the problem was. She said, “I always wanted to not live here anyway. I want to get married and move. I finally feel like myself for the first time.” During this emotional conversation, I broke down and wept. I collapsed on the bed, but when I looked up, she was casually picking at her nails as if I wasn’t even there. It was one of the most bizarre things I had ever witnessed.

Two weeks later, I returned from a work trip, and we had an argument over the phone. I vented about not seeing each other. I was rude, sarcastic, and direct, but at the core of the conversation was the fact that I missed her. She spiraled and was triggered. A few days of unproductive discussion followed, and I apologized for everything, but it was too late. She said she was "so tired from putting in all the effort,” even though I had been her emotional support for years, constantly there for her. ( I now know that this is a hallmark complaint during a breakup with BPD). While she was incredibly empathetic towards me at times, if it involved my anxiety or any need I expressed, she would shut down and say, “I’ll do better.” It took so much effort to have healthy conversations with her. After two days of no contact and needing space, she texted that it was over. Three and a half years, a semi-blended family, and no explanation—just “I’m done. Don’t contact me.” I couldn't understand why we couldn't have a conversation around this.

My therapist assured me it wasn’t really over if I just didn’t reach out, but I didn’t understand what he meant. I think he knows that I am dealing with. Though, I have not seen him sense my realization. I couldn’t leave her alone and kept digging for answers, coming up with any excuse to try to save this sinking ship. I was devastated.

About a week later, she showed up at my home unannounced and took all her things while I was at work. A friend in mental health mentioned BPD a few days into the breakup, but I didn’t think much of it. As I continued to reach out, she finally responded, saying, “I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m finally free from your 3.5 years of manipulation and abuse.” That statement stunned me. I had been in therapy the entire time, working hard to better myself. It blew me away and devastated me.

I started reading more online, and the book Walking on Eggshells opened my eyes. I realized what I had been dealing with. I continued reaching out, trying to explain that she needed help. At this point, she will probably file a restraining order.

Now, I’m left broken, trying to put the pieces of my soul back together. I am piecing together why I thought I loved her and why I felt the need to always meet her changing expectations. I am convinced I'll never find anyone as sexy that'll have this chemistry with.

Am I right to assume BPD?

Also, I'm in therapy but haven't had a session with my main guy since this happened because he's been out of town. I'm journaling. Read eggshells. Read wisdom of a broken heart.

What else can I do to help cope with this extreme pain? And the reality that in her mind she hates me.

Also, should I reach out to her friends because she's either undiagnosed or didn't tell me? I keep thinking I should help her but it's probably bad idea.

[kells76]

Hello Danflashes and

That has to be so painful, to want to settle down with and marry your partner, and then to feel like it all fell apart after one argument... and to want to try to save things, too.

It makes sense that you're trying to understand everything that went down. It certainly sounds like a rollercoaster -- lots of intensity from day 1.

Just to make sure I'm tracking with you, are you still wanting to try to save the relationship, or are you kind of accepting that it's over and looking to heal and move forward?

No right or wrong answers -- but you will get different feedback on our Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board compared to here on Detaching, just FYI.

Am I right to assume BPD?

There's a funny sense in which it doesn't really matter. What I mean by that is -- whatever was going on with her, whatever it would be called, the issue wasn't the label, it was the behaviors and dynamics.

To balance that out, I do think labels/diagnoses can help us point our inquiries in a more effective direction -- it does matter what's going on in the sense that assuming she's that way because she has a brain tumor will lead you to very, very different approaches than assuming she does those things due to a PD.

But -- that being said -- BPD or no, the tools and skills you can learn here won't make things worse if she doesn't actually have BPD. The tools and skills here are part of successful communication and connection in any relationship; it's just that BPD relationships tend to require black-belt level practice. Everybody needs validation, empathy, and compassion, and everyone needs to understand real boundaries; BPD relationships are more of a crucible where it is make or break time (compared to "generally normal" relationships that can bounce back from invalidation, weaker boundaries, etc, more easily).

I'll add that there are tools and skills to learn and apply even in unwinding a relationship -- and again, even if she doesn't have BPD, using those approaches can help deescalate the ending of a relationship.

Finally, BPD is a spectrum disorder, so even if a person doesn't meet the official criteria -- remaining "subclinical" or undiagnosed -- the challenging traits and behaviors can still be there.

Also, I'm in therapy but haven't had a session with my main guy since this happened because he's been out of town. I'm journaling. Read eggshells. Read wisdom of a broken heart.

Good to hear you're in therapy. When's your next session?

What else can I do to help cope with this extreme pain? And the reality that in her mind she hates me.

Two big questions there, for sure.

It's healthy that you are feeling the pain. I'm curious where you see yourself in the grief cycle, and additionally, if you see the abandonment cycle (also in that link) applying to you right now?

Tell me some more about how you know the reality in her mind. If BPD is in play, this is an important question.

Also, should I reach out to her friends because she's either undiagnosed or didn't tell me? I keep thinking I should help her but it's probably bad idea.

Understanding our own goals and motivations is so important when we're in these emotionally intense situations. Sometimes we have unconscious feelings driving our decision-making.

What would your goal be in reaching out to her friends? Helping her? "Getting through" to her? Having your say? Getting information? Something else?

[Danflashes]

Omg. Thank you for your reply!! I was hopeful to maybe try to work things out. However, she filed a restraining order against me now. It's filled with a false accusation of sexual assault. And a few other half truths and lies. All the specific incidents she cited all happened over a year ago. And the SA was supposedly two years ago.  It's absolutely tearing me apart..
Obviously I have the truth on my side and will be fighting the parts of the RO that are false.

Now I live with anxiety that she is going to try to press charges over something that is all false.

It breaks my heart. 

[Clearmind]

Just to cycle back to the subject - "Just got cutoff after 3 year relationship. Help"

I am truly sorry you are hurting. I have been there yet I am 15 years out of my relationship now! I cannot believe it has been that long.

In time we find ourselves thinking with more power behind our words. And your subject title in time may well read....."Navigating a new chapter after a 3-year relationship"

I am convinced I'll never find anyone as sexy that'll have this chemistry with.

Can we try and rephrase this….

"I'm realising that being in a relationship with someone with BPD has made me feel like I may never find someone who matches that level of chemistry and attraction. However, I know that intense attraction can sometimes lead to relationship blindness, making it harder to see red flags. I’m open to discovering new connections that are healthier and more balanced."

Am I right to assume BPD?

Yes, you would be right to assume; however, more importantly, in time, it’s crucial to focus on understanding the complexities of the relationship and recognising the impact it has on both parties.

I'm journaling. Read eggshells. Read wisdom of a broken heart.

Great and I can also recommend
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

What else can I do to help cope with this extreme pain? And the reality that in her mind she hates me.

Is it reality? Really? Challenge this thinking and choice of words. The reality is that this reflects your feelings of self-doubt rather than her actual feelings toward you.

Time!  It’s really difficult to experience such intense feelings, particularly when you sense that someone you care about sees you in a negative light. First, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings as valid and recognise that pain is a natural response to the situation.

When you find yourself thinking that she hates you, challenge those negative thoughts by separating her feelings from your self-worth, remembering that her perception is influenced by her emotional state and does not define the entirety of who you are.

keep thinking I should help her but it's probably bad idea.

That usually ends badly. While it's natural to want to help someone you care about, especially when they are struggling, it’s important to recognise that your well-being matters too. In time, you might start to consider what helping her really looks like and how it affects you emotionally. Reflect on whether your desire to help is coming from a place of genuine concern or if it's driven by guilt or a sense of obligation. In a relationship with someone with BPD, we often find ourselves overcompensating and wanting to 'fix' things, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and neglect of our own needs. This is where we need to start: understanding why we often negate our feelings and exploring the roots of that behaviour....any ideas?

It's crucial to set boundaries that protect your mental health while still being compassionate. You may find it beneficial to focus on what you can control—your responses, your feelings, and your self-care. Ultimately, understanding that you cannot fix someone else’s problems can lead to healthier interactions and a better sense of peace for yourself

[Danflashes]

Thank you for the book recommendation! I am starting it tonight.  Also, I really appreciate the thoughtfulness in your response.

As far as trying to help her. You're right . Terrible idea. She filed a harassment restraining order against me. I hired a lawyer and am having a hearing. 

[Danflashes]

An update that I just want to share as I am struggling against.
I fought the restraining order. I hired a lawyer and subpoenaed our text messages. She called my lawyer to settle. So we wrote up an agreement for mutual no contact for six months.
She sat on it a few days then called my lawyer saying "why would I sign this, it only helps him?" And "I'm not sure I want to hand over the text messages, that's only going to benefit him."
Which is laughable. If I was a manipulative, harrassing person you would provide one ounce of evidence.

Fast forward a week. She signs the agreement at 630 am on a Sunday. I signed it Sunday and it was approved by the court Monday.

Here's where I'm at. I feel like having this BS RO behind me started over my grieving process. I was worried about the RO bc it has serious things in there (lies of course). I am now mourning the loss again. I keep thinking maybe she'll come back to talk at least. That we can come to some sort of closure. I can't stop ruminating about it even though I know it's not healthy. Even though she put lies in a legal document that could ruin my life.  I think she'll snap out of it and realize that I am the person that was endlessly supportive of her throughout the three year relationship.

I just want the pain to be over. I do go to therapy every week. I am ready the journey from abandonment. It made me affirm that these pains I'm feeling are just old scars.

I've gone on a date with a couple of other women. I broke off the one because I wasn't ready. The other we met as "friends" as she is one year out of a marriage with a BPD person.

I am at a point where I'm telling more friends the story to get validation. But I know that doesn't help. I just want to do the next right thing but I feel stuck right now.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update -- good to hear more about your process and where you're at.

Your feelings do sound overwhelming right now -- like you're stuck in the pain and it's intolerable. I get what it's like to be in a place where you find yourself desperately trying to find any way not to feel that. It can push us to some unhealthy places (I tend to avoid/stuff feelings... rationally I get that that isn't healthy, but I still tend to do it).

Couple of thoughts on things going on for you that seem to be interwoven, but it might help to separate out.

A RO is a big deal. Violating an RO -- even if the other person "seems OK with it" or "she called me first" or "she came to my house so I figured it was OK" or any reason at all -- can have serious and long-lasting legal consequences for your life. I hear you that there's part of you hoping she will come back to talk. I wonder if there is a way for you to honor that you're having that feeling, without acting on it? I'd also really encourage you to get clarity from your L about what exactly you need to do and not do during the term of the RO. This is serious stuff... violating an RO to talk to her isn't going to improve your relationship (if you're at all considering reconnecting).

Is the draw to talk to her and get closure from her part of the bargaining phase of grief, maybe?

Bargaining- Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

"If we could just talk, then I'd get closure and could heal and wouldn't feel this debilitating pain".

Might be worth thinking about where that pull is coming from, if it's realistic (can she really give you closure?), and the pros and cons of communicating when there's an active RO in play.

...

A lot of members here find that the grieving process is not linear, and struggle with feeling like "I was moving forward and then X happened and I feel like it set me back weeks/months", and it sounds like the RO did that to you, too.

Re-mourning the loss sounds both excruciating (like ripping off a scab) and also normal. Re-processing a traumatic or painful event is a normal thing that happens as we work through it. That doesn't make it fun -- it can hurt, be frightening, be traumatizing, feel overwhelming, or any number of feelings. 8 years ago we sublet a room in our house to an acquaintance, and long story short, he died suddenly in our home due to hidden alcoholism. I was the one who found him and the circumstances were such that "on paper" I could have saved him, but I couldn't/didn't. I couldn't stay in our home for the first few days, maybe a week or two, after he passed, and I was afraid to go through the area where he died. It was pretty traumatic and remembering/reprocessing it was frightening for a long time. I felt a lot of guilt. Over the years, it has hit less, but it has taken telling the story over and over. At this point, it's more something where it was a sad thing that happened a long time ago.

All that to say -- reprocessing is a part of processing. We don't really move through grief in a line; I'd say it's more a spiral staircase. You feel like you're back where you were... but you've gone up a level. You can be "back at the start" and "moving forward" at the same time.

How are your friends taking it when you tell them the story?

How does it go to tell your therapist?

I wonder if, while finding balance (not centering relationships on telling the story), you can still honor that feeling of needing to tell your story?

We'll listen, too.

[Danflashes]

Thank you again for your kindness. The RO is dropped and all of the allegations are dropped with prejudice. So that's good. Along with that is a 6 month no contact agreement that is mutual.

My therapist is very good. He likely knew for some time she has BPD tendencies. He can't diagnose her but we went in for couples sessions and I would talk about the relationship a lot. He will affirm what I'm saying is logical but can't diagnose her obviously.

I am worried I'll never find anything as intense or that will make me feel good. He told me they tell coke addicts in rehab that they'll never feel as good again ever in there life. You have to mourn that and find fulfillment other ways. He called me a coke head in a loving way. And he's right, I was addicted to how she made me feel. I blocked out some things that I previously had boundaries on.

The other thing my therapist and other mental health professionals that are friends tell me is that there is a greater than zero percent chance she reaches out or wants to reconnect. That also makes closure hard. I check my phone a lot to see if she or her friends have messaged me.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you again for your kindness. The RO is dropped and all of the allegations are dropped with prejudice. So that's good. Along with that is a 6 month no contact agreement that is mutual.

My therapist is very good. He likely knew for some time she has BPD tendencies. He can't diagnose her but we went in for couples sessions and I would talk about the relationship a lot. He will affirm what I'm saying is logical but can't diagnose her obviously.

I am worried I'll never find anything as intense or that will make me feel good. He told me they tell coke addicts in rehab that they'll never feel as good again ever in there life. You have to mourn that and find fulfillment other ways. He called me a coke head in a loving way. And he's right, I was addicted to how she made me feel. I blocked out some things that I previously had boundaries on.

The other thing my therapist and other mental health professionals that are friends tell me is that there is a greater than zero percent chance she reaches out or wants to reconnect. That also makes closure hard. I check my phone a lot to see if she or her friends have messaged me.

MMM...I disagree with the thought that you will never feel as good again in life or that you will not find anything as intense or fulfilling. That is a wounded heart talking. The grief may linger for a while, but believe that there can always be better. Life is what you make it so if you believe you cannot do better than that will come to pass, but if you believe it can get better and be better than you can actually make that happen. Never lose hope or give up my friend.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Danflashes]

Life will absolutely get better. I think his point is to not chase the high. To find contentment. And then of course life will be better than it was.
Thank you for your response.

[Clearmind]

I am worried I'll never find anything as intense or that will make me feel good.

Feel good? Maybe we need to deep dive into this longing for intensity.

While the intensity can feel exhilarating, it cannot be sustained in the long term. A relationship doesn't need to be a rollercoaster to be deeply meaningful and fulfilling.

Your relationship was built on a very shaky foundation - you both have unmet needs. Over time, as you process this, you can rediscover what truly fulfills you—both within yourself and in future relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence

[Danflashes]

I agree that I am already becoming more aware of my needs. I've been reading a lot and am improving every week. That said, I feel like I'm missing something. I miss my ex every day. Think of her every hour after 11 weeks. It's not with the overwhelming panic or sadness, but still missing her.

I need to do some work now. If anyone has any good programs or workbooks for breakups in general, I'd love to hear some recommendations.

[SinisterComplex]

I agree that I am already becoming more aware of my needs. I've been reading a lot and am improving every week. That said, I feel like I'm missing something. I miss my ex every day. Think of her every hour after 11 weeks. It's not with the overwhelming panic or sadness, but still missing her.

I need to do some work now. If anyone has any good programs or workbooks for breakups in general, I'd love to hear some recommendations.

You are not necessarily missing anything. You are just going through the grief my friend. Everyone has their own different timelines and emotional makeups. The best you can do is truly take it one day at a time, step by step. Just accept the feelings, deal with them, get through them, and strive for little goals every day to improve.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Danflashes]

Thank you for your reply. I'm trying to balance sitting with the feelings vs making progress and not being stuck.

[seekingtheway]

It's a good approach to try and balance sitting with everything and feeling the feelings, but also pushing forwards and moving through any blocks... some things don't just disappear with time, so it can help to be intentional about the healing. There can be a lot of trauma sustained in these intense relationships, and it can trigger old wounds... which can actually end up being a gift because it can prompt you to look at your own stuff in ways you potentially haven't done before.

There's a certain amount of healing that needs to be done in terms of the things that are out of your control and were 'done to you' as it were... but dig a little deeper and we all find things that we added to the dynamic and things that we would benefit from doing some work on. It's about identifying what those things are and working on them when you're ready.

I've been doing this in EMDR therapy, and it's been very helpful if at times a little brutal. I've had a few moments where I have felt like I'm going backwards, but I think you've got to dismantle the blocks before you can rebuild them in a stronger way.

If it feels helpful, let us know how you're going as you move through your journey of healing. It's been such a great resource for me as I've done the same.

[Danflashes]

A bit of an update. We had a mutual no contact order. I had a memory notification on Google photos pop up with her. I shared it with her in the app impulsively in a moment of longing. She then filed a motion and got the the restraining order placed back on. We had a hearing during zoom and I read a brief statement and she claimed to be terrified of me or something. One of the things I shared was a video of our daughters doing a funny skit. She claimed it was a video of her daughter and that it was very disturbing that I shared it. The day after the hearing she mailed me a letter. I have not opened it yet.  I am debating whether to send it back "return to sender".  However, I may have to rehire a lawyer to fully think this through. My concern is that she will perhaps issue more accusations against me. I don't understand if she's so scared of me and is not supposed to contact me, then why is she mailing me a letter?

[SinisterComplex]

A bit of an update. We had a mutual no contact order. I had a memory notification on Google photos pop up with her. I shared it with her in the app impulsively in a moment of longing. She then filed a motion and got the the restraining order placed back on. We had a hearing during zoom and I read a brief statement and she claimed to be terrified of me or something. One of the things I shared was a video of our daughters doing a funny skit. She claimed it was a video of her daughter and that it was very disturbing that I shared it. The day after the hearing she mailed me a letter. I have not opened it yet.  I am debating whether to send it back "return to sender".  However, I may have to rehire a lawyer to fully think this through. My concern is that she will perhaps issue more accusations against me. I don't understand if she's so scared of me and is not supposed to contact me, then why is she mailing me a letter?

The best thing for you...expect that she will create more accusations. Be as no contact as possible. It is best for this to be settled legally at this point or you risk putting yourself in a bigger mess.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-