The fact the person you loved didn't exist

[once removed]

Because when I was in my ex's home city, I started to think of her (and feel) as though she was all good - and I struggled to see or remember the bad.

So maybe there is something in being cautious to guard against that!

i think it highlights the need for perspective when it comes to these things. dont let these terms trip you up. most of this is stuff we will see again, and again, in the dating world.

we all idealize. we all devalue (we dont all "split", not that you wont see it here. splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that we tend to outgrow/shed). we all mirror. in fact, mirroring is an essential part of bonding. the theory of the root of attachment disorders is that they are a result of a lack of mirroring, or of inconsistent mirroring.

we all put our best foot forward, our best version of ourselves, to attract a mate, with good intentions. and we all tend to wear rose colored glasses in the honeymoon stage of a relationship.

people with bpd and people with bpd traits just take these things to a greater extreme because of life long chronic insecurities and over-compensating for a deficit of skills.

And I think its compounded by the fact we felt EXTRA "seen" so to speak, during the initial months or however long, and my ex used to actually say this , "I see you", "I've got you," which was new to me.

like the fact that people with bpd traits tend to take this to above average levels, partners of someone with bpd often have a higher than average need for this, in terms of the types of relationships they gravitate toward.

take that away (or all out reverse it), and it is a substantial loss, and one that can fester.

the person you loved existed, and still does, and your grief is a testament to that. but the person you loved, and the person she loved, and the bond you shared, were more complicated than the way either of you saw it.

If she were to just reach out and say, 'What I did was terrible" I feel like I would leap forward in recovering from this exponentially.

i dont mean to make light of your feelings of injustice (they were something i struggled with for a long time, even after the acute pain of the breakup) when i say "how often does that happen"? two people breaking up are usually in two completely different places. the person being broken up with often feels blindsided. the person doing the breaking up, while they may have concern for our feelings, tends to be far more involved in their own feelings. unfortunately, we may be along for the ride when it comes to their doubts, their mind changes, and certainly where bpd is involved, those swings may look even wilder; but things look different because they already were, and because the person doing the breaking up has already, on some level, grieved the relationship.

we have to do that now, and it is no easy task. but she cant help you with this, and you dont need her to 

[Clearmind]

In time, you'll come to see this situation as a blessing in disguise. You’re incredibly lucky to have gone through it, because the personal growth that comes from such experiences is truly exceptional. It may not feel that way now, but these challenges are shaping you into a stronger, more self-aware version of yourself.

I literally catch myself "splitting" her! And I would say in the past only few days I have been able to see that as a defense mechanism

Be proud of yourself for saying this out loud. This is kind of like AA! We stand, recognise our role and find ways to heal. Your ex does not have this insight, and when we wish they were different, it only reinforces our desire to be someone they are not capable of being. This longing can keep us stuck in unrealistic expectations and prevent us from accepting the reality of who they are.

5 red flags:
1) no boundaries. none. We were living in separate areas and initially developed a relationship online. She came to visit me WITHOUT warning and that scared me. She just showed up.
2) severe anxiety that kept her from functioning at times, and extreme indecisiveness combined with snap decisions
3)no friends (she admitted this, but said it was because she was highly introverted. Literally would not speak to anyone for days on end if she wasn't working)
4)mirroring me to the point it felt like a 'soul abduction"...this included copying much of my language choices and ideals. I couldn't tell what she liked or believed before she met me.
5)this is specific, but her sister will have nothing to do with her. And her father has limited contact. But I could never get a reason for it.

These are very significant and most people on this board could have written the same red flags. If you searched the many posts, I have seen about red flags these were there.

Once she decided I had nothing to offer, I realised the relationship had transformed. What had once been built on care and communication was overshadowed by cruelty, and I understood that I deserve to invest my energy in connections that value me."

This is so helpful. I'm going to try to apply this "approach" to many of my thoughts. I am finding myself "going in that direction" more and more this week especially (exactly two months out). it's becoming more of an integrated thinking process in which I am in the mix in there somewhere, rather than just her and what she did to me...because no one really DID anything to anyone...I mean, technically, yes...but semantics aside....looking at patterns and where I added to this mess. Because that's really what it was in the end....just a big emotional disaster.

Well done! Do a bit of research on DBT.

DBT is often associated with treating people who have BPD, but can be highly effective for everyone. The beauty of DBT is that it combines cognitive-behavioural strategies with mindfulness, which is great for emotional and behavioural challenges. It helps rewire our brains and store healthier patterns of thinking and behaving. I am not a fan of CBT but DBT has helped me a lot.

Remind me why I am doing this exercise ;). I have so many more, but these were significant.

If we're not quite ready for a healthy relationship, taking the time to reflect, write things down, and really think about stuff can do wonders for our growth. It helps us figure out what triggers us, recognise old patterns, and see where we might need to heal or set better boundaries. By doing a bit of self-reflection, we build the self-awareness and emotional smarts we need to have healthier, more balanced relationships in the future.

A big part of this is learning to collect “data” (like the red flags you wrote down) when we’re dating. This means paying attention not just to how we feel, but also how the other person acts—how they treat us, communicate, and deal with conflict. Dating is all about gathering info—about their values, behaviours, compatibility, and how they respond to our needs. Instead of rushing in or making assumptions, it’s important to notice the signs and patterns as things unfold. That way, we can make smarter choices and pick partners who actually fit with our emotional and personal well-being, instead of falling into the same old unhealthy habits.

I met my now husband when I had a small child already. His love, playfulness and care he took with my daughter was beautiful. There was no jealousy of her and the attention she needed and that he didn’t get. It was easy! I took it slow - collected data. The love grew over time - we built a foundation.

The second part of this journey is about taking a step back and reflecting on how our parents related to each other, and the role they played in each other's lives. Whether we realise it or not, their relationship often sets the stage for how we view love, communication, and partnership. By looking at how they handled things—like conflict, support, or even affection—we can start to understand what we’ve absorbed over the years.

Maybe their relationship was strong, or maybe it had its struggles. Either way, thinking about what we saw growing up can help us figure out what we want (or don’t want) in our own relationships. It’s not about blaming them, but more about learning from those dynamics and deciding what patterns we want to carry forward, and which ones we need to let go of. Understanding this can be a huge step toward building healthier connections ourselves.

Growing up, my dad was an alcoholic—he was physically there but emotionally absent. Mum, on the other hand, spent so much of her energy trying to avoid his anger that she wasn’t fully there for my brother or I. Looking back, it’s no surprise that I ended up in relationships that were one-sided and lacked boundaries, always intense because that’s what felt familiar to me. Intensity became my comfort zone.

But now, having two kids of my own, I honestly can’t imagine trying to co-parent with my ex—talk about a nightmare! Dodged a bullet there, my friend.

[findinggratitude]

these two comments:

I've sometimes thought "Sh** me... what was that???"
And in those moments, it does feel a little but funny, I suppose.
A bit of a relief, maybe.

Because when I was in my ex's home city, I started to think of her (and feel) as though she was all good - and I struggled to see or remember the bad.

I think, snailshell, that this is actually a good sign of moving forward. There are times, now, when I am almost laughing about it. It's wry humor, or cartoonish, like when there are stars spinning over the head of some dumbfounded animal. I find it's becoming easier to just kind of throw the whole bafflement aside (this is a very recent development) rather than going on and on in my head about the whys and the how could shes.

I also think it's very natural to think of the good, and maybe that's healthier? Not sure. But it makes it easier on YOU if you can recall the good, I think, so long as it doesn't morph into longing and wanting to reconnect (not that they even want that, anyway). There's nothing that productive about stewing in the negatives, though I think very early on it's important as a guard of sorts. I don't know, I am definitely still waffling, but not as significantly.

I also like what you said about whether or not an apology would be helpful or not! Good point!

[findinggratitude]

Once removed, thank you for these gems especially:

the person you loved existed, and still does, and your grief is a testament to that. but the person you loved, and the person she loved, and the bond you shared, were more complicated than the way either of you saw it.

i say "how often does that happen"? two people breaking up are usually in two completely different places. the person being broken up with often feels blindsided. the person doing the breaking up, while they may have concern for our feelings, tends to be far more involved in their own feelings. unfortunately, we may be along for the ride when it comes to their doubts, their mind changes, and certainly where bpd is involved, those swings may look even wilder; but things look different because they already were, and because the person doing the breaking up has already, on some level, grieved the relationship.

The second part is something I've thought about a LOT. But, I also have been broken up with AND been the breaker upper many times in my life, and while all that you wrote is true, the pendulum swing, if you call it that, is so much longer in this case. And the big plans that were imminent and ruptured, combined with how the breakup happened (email, and an immediate request for NC) just seems more cowardly and cruel. But, I am beginning to see it mostly as fear on her part, and emotional immaturity and an inability to see outside of herself...and I'm not mentioning those even in a disparaging way, but simply as facts. It's the fact of there being very acknowledgement of the nuances and path that led her to leave. It was just "I love you and we're going away together" to "I'm done and don't want anything to do with you!" I also reconize that this is a sticking point for me emotonally that I need to move away from.

[findinggratitude]

And finally, Clearmind, you've given me more homework, and I love it. Again, thanks for taking the time to spell things out so much and give me tangible little "workshops" that shift me towards the future.

A big part of this is learning to collect “data” (like the red flags you wrote down) when we’re dating. This means paying attention not just to how we feel, but also how the other person acts—how they treat us, communicate, and deal with conflict. Dating is all about gathering info—about their values, behaviours, compatibility, and how they respond to our needs. Instead of rushing in or making assumptions, it’s important to notice the signs and patterns as things unfold. That way, we can make smarter choices and pick partners who actually fit with our emotional and personal well-being, instead of falling into the same old unhealthy habits.

This is great. And so true. And so rarely done when feelings are involved. I am beginning to see that when those feelings are clouding my judgement, they're likely not the healthiest!