dealing with a recent break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am dealing with a recent break up (less than 1 month) with a person that had incredible mood changes. After reading a lot, I think she might have BPD, because all the reports I’ve read match so much.

The several mindreading expectations were just impossible to fulfill. And those expectations would change all the time. As if I was supposed to read her mind according to her mood.

There were days she would be very close to me, like we would get married at any moment (we IN FACT almost got married twice). And on the same week, she would get distant, needing her space, like we could split up at any moment.

When she is loving, she is just the most amazing partner ever. It’s just like heaven…

In the morning, she could say she loved me, say the most beautiful things, and later on the same day, she would act weird, distant… It’s like going from heaven to hell in the blink of an eye. A roller coaster of emotions. Like she was only moved by emotions 100%. It was like everything was 8 or 80. I did not make sense for me, like it had no objective logic.

I felt like walking on eggshells all the time. I never knew if something I said would trigger her a bad feeling or reaction.

The smallest thing at work would make her upset or angry.

I felt I was always being tested. Like she was always expecting me to do the 'right things' or of me to take the 'right attitude'.

She tried to split up with me at least once a month, and this last time, I did not have enough strength to continue trying anymore. I love her deeply. But I am just exhausted. It seems impossible to attend to her expectations. It is impossible to read her mind. I started to get anxious every time she did not answer my messages, because I didn’t know what was happening. I still have these anxiety feelings with some triggers.

It seemed that she always had to feel the most important people in my life each second. Like, I could not give attention to my family, or my friends in the same way. If I went to a family reunion without her (even when she was not working, she would never want to come with me), she would get very upset. She would say things like: ‘ I’ts impressive how other things are more important to you than being with me ’ , or ‘ I’m impressed how you can go without me and still enjoy yourself ‘.

The amount of times she would schedule something with me (with a very genuine excitement) and then cancel it, was incredible. It was like 80% of the times we scheduled something, it would be cancelled. She would change her mind a lot about what she would like to do.

It felt that any minor change in my mood would be interpreted by her as a rejection. As it was related to her. She could capture the slightest changes in my mood. She was sensitive to the way I behaved. I never knew what would make her feel rejected. I was almost impossible to foresee that, since there always seemed to be a new and smallest reason to trigger that feeling of rejection.

The first time her behavior caught my attention was when she was away for the weekend, and she said she missed me so much. So, on Monday night, I went to her house to see her. I also miss her a lot. But I had a massive headache that night and I could not give the attention she was expecting. She was very upset and told me to go back to my house. She said I was a completely different person and did not believe I loved her anymore. I thought it was a very exaggerated reaction to a headache. I explained it to her over the phone, that I was just not feeling well and after hours, she understood. But it was exhausting.

Another episode was after she was travelling for work in the weekend and she said she missed me a lot. I also missed her A LOT. So, she asked me to come to her house on Monday. I was looking forward to seeing her. But then, her secretary left me a message on whatsapp telling me not to come. That she would call me later that night. She did not call. I thought this was completely weird. On one day, missing me a lot and on the other day, avoiding me completely.

On another weekend, I went with her, travelling with her to work. It was a perfect weekend. And when we got on the plane on Monday, she got so weird, with avoidance behavior. She did not answer my messages later that same day. And on the next day, she called me saying she loved me, but she needed time to herself because of work, that was so demanding, so she would not be able to see me for a while. In the end of that week se sent me a whatsapp audio, saying terrible things about me (that were not true, it was kind of delusional) and saying she wanted to split up. I was absolutely confused, because we had just had such amazing days travelling together... Nothing made sense to me. She did not even want to talk to me on the phone. But somehow, I made her see she was delusional… and she answered my call. We talked for hours. And she recognized she was delusional and said she was sorry…
I thought the relationship would get more stable with time. But it did not.

It happened a lot that we went to sleep with a perfect relationship (in my perspective), and would wake up with her crying or upset, with avoidant behavior, asking me to leave.

If I got sad or cryied after she got angry with me, she said she could not deal with my emotions, that I was being childish. I had to start acting like a stone whenever she got angry with me, as if I could not have my own emotions, because she would not be able to deal with them. She would be feel very bad if she made me cry. So I started holding my emotions not to make her feel bad, although I was hurt.

In the beginning of the relationship, I thought it was just a difficult phase she was experiencing in her life, with work and that her insecurities with the relationship were because it was a new relationship. And that things would get better with time when her problems with work went away, and she was feeling safer about us. But things only got worse.
The feeling I have is that I had to win her over several times in the same day. It was never enough.

In the end of the relationship, she started getting into a lot of suffer because of some problems in work and her mood changes would be even more radical. One day she woke up crying and asking me to leave her house and then went to the mall and bought very expensive things that she did not even need (at least that would make her feel temporarily a little better).

She is aware about these incredible mood changes. I talked to her about that and she said other partners had called her attention on that. She said it's something she does not seem able to change.

The way she ended things was very hurtful to me… But now I understand she is suffering, maybe she has BPD, that would explain A LOT.

I really need psychological help at this moment. I still feel connected to her. And I think she has expectations I look after her because I know she is going through a difficult phase at work. But, although I want to make contact to see if she is well, I also think I must take care of myself. I am on therapy and now I found BPDfamily to help me have clarity in some aspects … The reports I’ve read gave me some comfort, because I am really lost in all I have been through…I think I am here just after a little clarity because the last months were SO confusing, and I am yet so confused…

[SeaAir]

I am dealing with a recent break up (less than 1 month) with a person that had incredible mood changes. After reading a lot, I think she might have BPD, because all the reports I’ve read match so much.

The several mindreading expectations were just impossible to fulfill. And those expectations would change all the time. As if I was supposed to read her mind according to her mood.

There were days she would be very close to me, like we would get married at any moment (we IN FACT almost got married twice). And on the same week, she would get distant, needing her space, like we could split up at any moment.

When she is loving, she is just the most amazing partner ever. It’s just like heaven…

In the morning, she could say she loved me, say the most beautiful things, and later on the same day, she would act weird, distant… It’s like going from heaven to hell in the blink of an eye. A roller coaster of emotions. Like she was only moved by emotions 100%. It was like everything was 8 or 80. I did not make sense for me, like it had no objective logic.

I felt like walking on eggshells all the time. I never knew if something I said would trigger her a bad feeling or reaction.

The smallest thing at work would make her upset or angry.

I felt I was always being tested. Like she was always expecting me to do the 'right things' or of me to take the 'right attitude'.

She tried to split up with me at least once a month, and this last time, I did not have enough strength to continue trying anymore. I love her deeply. But I am just exhausted. It seems impossible to attend to her expectations. It is impossible to read her mind. I started to get anxious every time she did not answer my messages, because I didn’t know what was happening. I still have these anxiety feelings with some triggers.

It seemed that she always had to feel the most important people in my life each second. Like, I could not give attention to my family, or my friends in the same way. If I went to a family reunion without her (even when she was not working, she would never want to come with me), she would get very upset. She would say things like: ‘ I’ts impressive how other things are more important to you than being with me ’ , or ‘ I’m impressed how you can go without me and still enjoy yourself ‘.

The amount of times she would schedule something with me (with a very genuine excitement) and then cancel it, was incredible. It was like 80% of the times we scheduled something, it would be cancelled. She would change her mind a lot about what she would like to do.

It felt that any minor change in my mood would be interpreted by her as a rejection. As it was related to her. She could capture the slightest changes in my mood. She was sensitive to the way I behaved. I never knew what would make her feel rejected. I was almost impossible to foresee that, since there always seemed to be a new and smallest reason to trigger that feeling of rejection.

The first time her behavior caught my attention was when she was away for the weekend, and she said she missed me so much. So, on Monday night, I went to her house to see her. I also miss her a lot. But I had a massive headache that night and I could not give the attention she was expecting. She was very upset and told me to go back to my house. She said I was a completely different person and did not believe I loved her anymore. I thought it was a very exaggerated reaction to a headache. I explained it to her over the phone, that I was just not feeling well and after hours, she understood. But it was exhausting.

Another episode was after she was travelling for work in the weekend and she said she missed me a lot. I also missed her A LOT. So, she asked me to come to her house on Monday. I was looking forward to seeing her. But then, her secretary left me a message on whatsapp telling me not to come. That she would call me later that night. She did not call. I thought this was completely weird. On one day, missing me a lot and on the other day, avoiding me completely.

On another weekend, I went with her, travelling with her to work. It was a perfect weekend. And when we got on the plane on Monday, she got so weird, with avoidance behavior. She did not answer my messages later that same day. And on the next day, she called me saying she loved me, but she needed time to herself because of work, that was so demanding, so she would not be able to see me for a while. In the end of that week se sent me a whatsapp audio, saying terrible things about me (that were not true, it was kind of delusional) and saying she wanted to split up. I was absolutely confused, because we had just had such amazing days travelling together... Nothing made sense to me. She did not even want to talk to me on the phone. But somehow, I made her see she was delusional… and she answered my call. We talked for hours. And she recognized she was delusional and said she was sorry…
I thought the relationship would get more stable with time. But it did not.

It happened a lot that we went to sleep with a perfect relationship (in my perspective), and would wake up with her crying or upset, with avoidant behavior, asking me to leave.

If I got sad or cryied after she got angry with me, she said she could not deal with my emotions, that I was being childish. I had to start acting like a stone whenever she got angry with me, as if I could not have my own emotions, because she would not be able to deal with them. She would be feel very bad if she made me cry. So I started holding my emotions not to make her feel bad, although I was hurt.

In the beginning of the relationship, I thought it was just a difficult phase she was experiencing in her life, with work and that her insecurities with the relationship were because it was a new relationship. And that things would get better with time when her problems with work went away, and she was feeling safer about us. But things only got worse.
The feeling I have is that I had to win her over several times in the same day. It was never enough.

In the end of the relationship, she started getting into a lot of suffer because of some problems in work and her mood changes would be even more radical. One day she woke up crying and asking me to leave her house and then went to the mall and bought very expensive things that she did not even need (at least that would make her feel temporarily a little better).

She is aware about these incredible mood changes. I talked to her about that and she said other partners had called her attention on that. She said it's something she does not seem able to change.

The way she ended things was very hurtful to me… But now I understand she is suffering, maybe she has BPD, that would explain A LOT.

I really need psychological help at this moment. I still feel connected to her. And I think she has expectations I look after her because I know she is going through a difficult phase at work. But, although I want to make contact to see if she is well, I also think I must take care of myself. I am on therapy and now I found BPDfamily to help me have clarity in some aspects … The reports I’ve read gave me some comfort, because I am really lost in all I have been through…I think I am here just after a little clarity because the last months were SO confusing, and I am yet so confused…

[Mar_03]

I relate to this post a lot... I also just went through a breakup where they were suspected to have bpd. It's so confusing and frustrating and I truly relate to this.

[HoratioX]

I am dealing with a recent break up (less than 1 month) with a person that had incredible mood changes. After reading a lot, I think she might have BPD, because all the reports I’ve read match so much.

The several mindreading expectations were just impossible to fulfill. And those expectations would change all the time. As if I was supposed to read her mind according to her mood.

There were days she would be very close to me, like we would get married at any moment (we IN FACT almost got married twice). And on the same week, she would get distant, needing her space, like we could split up at any moment.

When she is loving, she is just the most amazing partner ever. It’s just like heaven…

In the morning, she could say she loved me, say the most beautiful things, and later on the same day, she would act weird, distant… It’s like going from heaven to hell in the blink of an eye. A roller coaster of emotions. Like she was only moved by emotions 100%. It was like everything was 8 or 80. I did not make sense for me, like it had no objective logic.

I felt like walking on eggshells all the time. I never knew if something I said would trigger her a bad feeling or reaction.

The smallest thing at work would make her upset or angry.

I felt I was always being tested. Like she was always expecting me to do the 'right things' or of me to take the 'right attitude'.

She tried to split up with me at least once a month, and this last time, I did not have enough strength to continue trying anymore. I love her deeply. But I am just exhausted. It seems impossible to attend to her expectations. It is impossible to read her mind. I started to get anxious every time she did not answer my messages, because I didn’t know what was happening. I still have these anxiety feelings with some triggers.

It seemed that she always had to feel the most important people in my life each second. Like, I could not give attention to my family, or my friends in the same way. If I went to a family reunion without her (even when she was not working, she would never want to come with me), she would get very upset. She would say things like: ‘ I’ts impressive how other things are more important to you than being with me ’ , or ‘ I’m impressed how you can go without me and still enjoy yourself ‘.

The amount of times she would schedule something with me (with a very genuine excitement) and then cancel it, was incredible. It was like 80% of the times we scheduled something, it would be cancelled. She would change her mind a lot about what she would like to do.

It felt that any minor change in my mood would be interpreted by her as a rejection. As it was related to her. She could capture the slightest changes in my mood. She was sensitive to the way I behaved. I never knew what would make her feel rejected. I was almost impossible to foresee that, since there always seemed to be a new and smallest reason to trigger that feeling of rejection.

The first time her behavior caught my attention was when she was away for the weekend, and she said she missed me so much. So, on Monday night, I went to her house to see her. I also miss her a lot. But I had a massive headache that night and I could not give the attention she was expecting. She was very upset and told me to go back to my house. She said I was a completely different person and did not believe I loved her anymore. I thought it was a very exaggerated reaction to a headache. I explained it to her over the phone, that I was just not feeling well and after hours, she understood. But it was exhausting.

Another episode was after she was travelling for work in the weekend and she said she missed me a lot. I also missed her A LOT. So, she asked me to come to her house on Monday. I was looking forward to seeing her. But then, her secretary left me a message on whatsapp telling me not to come. That she would call me later that night. She did not call. I thought this was completely weird. On one day, missing me a lot and on the other day, avoiding me completely.

On another weekend, I went with her, travelling with her to work. It was a perfect weekend. And when we got on the plane on Monday, she got so weird, with avoidance behavior. She did not answer my messages later that same day. And on the next day, she called me saying she loved me, but she needed time to herself because of work, that was so demanding, so she would not be able to see me for a while. In the end of that week se sent me a whatsapp audio, saying terrible things about me (that were not true, it was kind of delusional) and saying she wanted to split up. I was absolutely confused, because we had just had such amazing days travelling together... Nothing made sense to me. She did not even want to talk to me on the phone. But somehow, I made her see she was delusional… and she answered my call. We talked for hours. And she recognized she was delusional and said she was sorry…
I thought the relationship would get more stable with time. But it did not.

It happened a lot that we went to sleep with a perfect relationship (in my perspective), and would wake up with her crying or upset, with avoidant behavior, asking me to leave.

If I got sad or cryied after she got angry with me, she said she could not deal with my emotions, that I was being childish. I had to start acting like a stone whenever she got angry with me, as if I could not have my own emotions, because she would not be able to deal with them. She would be feel very bad if she made me cry. So I started holding my emotions not to make her feel bad, although I was hurt.

In the beginning of the relationship, I thought it was just a difficult phase she was experiencing in her life, with work and that her insecurities with the relationship were because it was a new relationship. And that things would get better with time when her problems with work went away, and she was feeling safer about us. But things only got worse.
The feeling I have is that I had to win her over several times in the same day. It was never enough.

In the end of the relationship, she started getting into a lot of suffer because of some problems in work and her mood changes would be even more radical. One day she woke up crying and asking me to leave her house and then went to the mall and bought very expensive things that she did not even need (at least that would make her feel temporarily a little better).

She is aware about these incredible mood changes. I talked to her about that and she said other partners had called her attention on that. She said it's something she does not seem able to change.

The way she ended things was very hurtful to me… But now I understand she is suffering, maybe she has BPD, that would explain A LOT.

I really need psychological help at this moment. I still feel connected to her. And I think she has expectations I look after her because I know she is going through a difficult phase at work. But, although I want to make contact to see if she is well, I also think I must take care of myself. I am on therapy and now I found BPDfamily to help me have clarity in some aspects … The reports I’ve read gave me some comfort, because I am really lost in all I have been through…I think I am here just after a little clarity because the last months were SO confusing, and I am yet so confused…

She certainly sounds like she has a lot of issues in common with BPD. But they could be symptomatic of other things, like anxiety or CPTSD, too. Nonetheless, in general, you should seek the advice of a good therapist. At the same time, since some of these (perhaps many) behaviors echo what others have experienced, you might listen to some of their ideas, too.

I certainly saw some of these behaviors in my ex with anxiety/CPTSD/BPD (depending on which therapist was diagnosing her). Moodiness, instability, hiding things, outright lying and deception, etc. Sometimes they're just curled up in a ball somewhere, but other times they're cheating, either physically or emotionally or both.  Or at least they can be.

The problem is they study us carefully and then get us hooked, not much different than a drug. Then after they pull away, it's like going through withdrawal. But the drug analogy is a good one, I think. A serious drug addict is self destructive. Whatever they feel good about is an illusion because it's also killing them. It's not a genuine feeling because it comes from something artificial.  This is similar to the emotions someone with BPD, etc., evokes. Yes, it feels real. But, no, it's generally not authentic. When it is, it comes with a heavy price, not the least of which is your own sanity.

My advice -- after seeking out a good therapist -- is to go no contact and get that person out of your life. It will be hard. One of the hardest things you've ever done. In the end, it will be completely worth it. Once you're through the emotional healing, your brain will be able to see things more clearly and for what they are. Then you will realize how destructive that person really was in your life.

You'll also realize how destructive they are in their own. Everything they get involved with goes into chaos and despair.  For all the good things, there will be many more times bad things. The problem is when we're still addicted to them, we only think of the good things. Just like the drug addict looking for the next high. They forget about laying in a gutter somewhere, dirty, starving, and suffering. So, a clean break with no contact is often the best approach.

Something to keep in mind is that someone with BPD, etc., can be a master manipulator. They are so used to lying, they will put on a very good front no matter how miserable they really are. That can make it look to someone on the outside like they're having a grand old time and are in complete control. They're not. They're a mess. They ruin just about everything they come across. Your job right now is to break that cycle. That's the only real way you win.

A therapist may feel differently, which is why it's a good idea to find a professional. But a big mistake may be to have too much sympathy for someone with BPD, etc. It's a normal human reaction. It's a noble one. But the person with BPD, etc., may not see it that way. Instead of being loving or grateful, they may simply see it as an opportunity to exploit a weakness and manipulate someone again -- that is a horrible thing.

So, again, check with a therapist first, but think seriously about just staying away from the ex. Good luck.

[PeteWitsend]

...

When she is loving, she is just the most amazing partner ever. It’s just like heaven…

In the morning, she could say she loved me, say the most beautiful things, and later on the same day, she would act weird, distant…

Is it love?  She may say it is, but how do you know? 

Do you have the same definition of love as she does? 

There's a term used around here, "lovebombing" that describes what's more accurately a means to an end, not an actual emotion.  Lovebombing is used by a pwBPD to endear themselves to you, and get you to drop your defenses and allow them to push past any sort of boundaries you might have had about someone coming into your life too quickly, or forcing a level of commitment before you're ready. 

The DSM definition of BPD uses the term idealization to describe it, as in "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."

That really seems to be more of what you've described here. 

In my own experience, the word "love" was cheap for BPDxw; she would use it all the time, but it never changed the fact that her needs were paramount in our house, and in the event she felt off, or got upset, everything came to a screeching halt for everyone else, while she melted down.

You also may see over time that if you have needs, or your own crisis to attend to, she has very little patience for it, and gets upset the longer it goes on, even if it's not your fault.

It's good your getting therapy for yourself.  It helps to restore focus where it should be. This is not you being selfish, remember that.  She's a grown woman, she can take care of herself.  She had a chance to have a relationship with you, but failed to make equal space for your needs, failed to communicate like a mature adult, and failed to manage her own emotions.