My mother is getting worse

[pipistrelle1987]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on the forums for a few weeks as a result of silent treatment brought on by nothing more than a perceived dig. I found it really helpful reading people's posts and decided to not react or beg for 'mercy' like every time before and stuck it out and it seems to have worked out, sort of, but anyway, I wanted to make a first post and highlight a few things my mother does and has been doing and ask if anyone else has experienced something similar. So, here goes!

I'm 37 years old, my mum is in her early 60's. I had 2 mothers growing up, the angry, unpredictable (to the point of predictable), violent, invalidating, screaming, shouting emotionally immature mother, and then the generous, encouraging, supportive one who would try to make my life fun, told I was loved and beautiful all the time. I was terrified (and still am to some extent) of her but also thought this was normal and can acknowledge she tried to make up for her behaviour by being 'good mum' the rest of the time.

As often is the case, none of my family members stepped in when she raged at me, hitting me, calling me a bitch, or a whore when I was 16 and wore fishnet tights on a night out, telling me I always had to have the last word (I now understand and finally realised at around 14 that this meant simply I could not have another perspective or even defend myself of normal child or teenage behaviour, like having an untidy bedroom for example (or even privacy because she'd be in there cleaning and going through my stuff growing up).

I have been physically attacked in the back of a car whilst my dad is driving, had hot food thrown at me, had a chunk taken out my face with her nail when I was 15, dragged away from my stepdad in an argument, or told to go and live with my dad "because he doesn't give a PLEASE READ about me". It was bad!

So fast forward, I'm 29/30, with my boyfriend (now husband), he's noticed some peculiarities about her but usually it's me venting about her overreactions to things, giving me a few days silent treatment, but things that weren't massively bad. Then my mum goes and sees some woman who claims to be spiritually connected and tells my mum that her guides are telling her my mum is a healer, oh the irony. So without going too much into it, for the past 7 years my mum has been convinced she is a conduit for god, she has been possessed by demons, then thy were got rid of but now she's having to drink alcohol from 12pm daily to keep her vibrational energy low so that the entities can get out. (worth noting here that she has always rejected religion so there was no basis for this to have developed from). Then she won't talk about it for a few months and then it comes back with a vengeance, it's like she senses other people are getting on with their lives so she has to stir up again. I have received numerous ranty messages from her over the years saying they're from angels (not her), one Christmas, she told us all we were prostitutes in a nazi camp, my stepdad just went along with it and my brother too just sticks his head in the sand. Whenever I have tried to talk to her about it I get shutdown, it's the impenetrable defense that 'nobody understands her'. I have seen zero evidence of anything otherworldly occurring, only my mother be her usual contrary, conflict positive self going through intense bouts of telling us she's god.

This all came to a head when in 2021 I was phoned up by my stepdad and told they had to drive to me in london and see me because we all have to be together to get the demons out. Obviously, I was really upset and angry about this and when I met them, I told my dad (step) that enough was enough, he needs to sort this out as I had begged him for years. He looked really ill and my mum told me it was because he had negative entities in him. Guess what, he died 4 days later of sepsis! and guess what, 3 and a half years later, she doesn't accept this and still thinks she was right. The defense is strong.

I have tried minimising contact, I don't reply to her messages after 2/3pm as I'll just drunk texts or worse, 10 minute voicenotes of her one sided conversation about herself. I am now a qualified psychotherapist and have learnt about communication and boundaries and been able to handle myself better, but it obviously doesn't change her and I find it really hard even just maintaining the contact I have. All she does is talk about herself and since my stepdad died, it's go gradually worse.

I just wanted to bullet point some odd behaviours in case any of these were common:

1. Never visits me but gets upset and aggressive when I mention this and says I never visit her (when I've got the train several times this year, hasn't visited me in a year). Gave me silent treatment for a week and a half when I timidly said she went on holiday, so could she visit me next?

2. Drinks all day and says it has no effect on her, she doesn't get hangovers apparently. She was hungover on my wedding day after drinking 2 bottles of wine the night before and then told me it was the demons making her sick not alcohol.

3. Asks me questions by text and when I reply ignores my answer and changes the subject

4. Tries to play me and my brother off each other. For example, for years has told me that all I do is talk about myself and my brother feels lift out (he's 29! and lives at home) - I have had to work at building a relationship with him away from her sly comments to keep us apart and thankfully it's working

5. Tells me she doesn't like something and then buys it for herself (latest example, I sent her photos of at Van Gogh exhibition she bought me tickets for. Her response "it looks amateur, looks like a childs school project" this week she's gone and bought 5 Van Gogh prints for her house

6. leaves me 12 minute voice notes that feel like a forced dump on my brain, it's so invasive

7. Went through a phase of face timing me out of the blue with no warning

8. Makes dinner for people when they visit and for the entirety of the eating period doesn't let you talk about anything but the food, interrorgates everyone and if you don't go overboard with how amazing it is she sits there muttering about how she's not going to bother and it's not good enough

9. Looks for problems in every relationship (obviously we don't need clarification on this)

10. When I send her something I've done (an achievement) I have to wait literally a week for her to "be in the right mood to look at it"

11. Refuses medical help, won't go to the drs etc

12. Memory is worse, can't remember entire conversations, things she bought me for christmas, asks where I got things she actually bought me.

This is just the ones I can remember right now, as we all know, it's a lot! It just feels so much all the time. Someone on here described it as a bottomless pit of emotional needs at that can never be filled and I resonate so hard with that.

Anyway, thank you for reading. Be interested to hear your thoughts, experiences etc.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board- sorry you have to be here but you aren't alone!

Reading your post, I have a few thoughts. Your being a professional, you probably know already what is going on but also, this is your mother and so there are feelings involved.

BPD can co-exist with addictions, as addictions are a form of self medication for emotional feelings and so, it would make sense they'd co-exist with BPD. From my own experiences with CODA and ACA, I don't think 12 steps would be helpful with someone with BPD as they require self reflection and accountability which pwBPD seem to have difficulty with. However, they are helpful for family members and partners who may fall into enabling and co-dependent behaviors with the pwBPD.

I think you know already that your mother who has BPD is also an alcoholic. All her other reasonings are denial and absurd. She's drinking a lot. Anyone who is experiencing memory changes should get a medical evaluation- (if she'd go along with that). If I guessed, I would guess that her memory issues are due to the large amount of alcohol use but only a medical evaluation would determine the actual cause.

So to your questions:
1. Never visits me but gets upset and aggressive when I mention this and says I never visit her (when I've got the train several times this year, hasn't visited me in a year). Gave me silent treatment for a week and a half when I timidly said she went on holiday, so could she visit me next?

2. Drinks all day and says it has no effect on her, she doesn't get hangovers apparently. She was hungover on my wedding day after drinking 2 bottles of wine the night before and then told me it was the demons making her sick not alcohol.

3. Asks me questions by text and when I reply ignores my answer and changes the subject. My BPD mother doesn't text- so can't say with this one.

4. Tries to play me and my brother off each other. Yes, but I told my mother I would not discuss immediate family members behind their backs and kept that boundary.


5. Tells me she doesn't like something and then buys it for herself. If I buy something for my mother, she finds some reason to not like it. I send her flowers for birthdays/holidays not knowing if she will keep them or throw them out. I wouldn't send her anything that I'd get upset over if she didn't like it.

6. leaves me 12 minute voice notes that feel like a forced dump on my brain, it's so invasive. Yes to these kinds of messages. 


7. Went through a phase of face timing me out of the blue with no warning. My mother is older and so doesn't use this kind of technology

8. Makes dinner for people when they visit and for the entirety of the eating period doesn't let you talk about anything but the food, interrorgates everyone and if you don't go overboard with how amazing it is she sits there muttering about how she's not going to bother and it's not good enough. Mostly my mother doesn't cook or have people over but when she does, she does this.

9. Looks for problems in every relationship (obviously we don't need clarification on this) Yes

10. When I send her something I've done (an achievement) I have to wait literally a week for her to "be in the right mood to look at it I don't feel comfortable sharing personal information with my mother.

11. Refuses medical help, won't go to the drs etc Mine will seek medical care but then won't comply with it.

12. Memory is worse, can't remember entire conversations, things she bought me for christmas, asks where I got things she actually bought me. Just my guess but I think it's the alcohol causing this.

[Methuen]

I think you know you can’t change her.  You can’t pursuade or convince her.  And you certainly cannot reason with her.

Sadly, their perspectives and thinking and behavior seem to lead to self destruction.  We can’t prevent it as much as we desire to help them, because they are irrational, and attack us as being the problem.

The only thing you can change or control is you, and how you react to her.

So, what can you change in you, to navigate her, and manage your own wellness?

[TelHill]

Hello pipistrelle,

I can relate to the physical violence (being hit many times, having warm cooking oil spilled on me, called untrue and nasty names, having had my dad and brother stand by seeing this, and other abusive acts by my mom). I can relate to never being praised or her being proud of anything I did or achieved. She was once but it was only to one up a relative bragging about her child.

It’s not fair and feels awful.  It’s like a mean girl in school like the movie but she’s your mother. You didn’t say, but do you have a therapist to talk these things through with in person to help you out? Someone on your side? Child abuse is abuse regardless if the perpetrator has a personality disorder or mental illness.

Your mom’s healer knows a vulnerable person to take advantage of.   Bad on this charlatan.  In that vein, some bpd have symptoms with hallucinations, hearing voices and delusions with or without drinking. My mom doesn’t drink and she’s had them from time to time.

I wasted many years trying to help her. She wasn’t interested. I tried to enlist my dad and brother. They weren’t interested about what happened to me or acknowledging she had a problem.

I realized my mother had groomed me to be so concerned and enmeshed with her when I was a child. She wanted a parent and put me in that role. It simply overwhelmed me and made me an angry and over reactive person.

I’ve been helped by going to Codepenent’s Anonymous- a 12 step group designed to help those like me who put themselves last. I don’t think I’m codependent but have been better able to withstand the demands and pressures of my parents and brother to serve their needs while neglecting my own.  I’m stepping off the crazy train.

[Notwendy]

That is awful- having oil spilled on you. (it's all awful).

I found 12 steps (CODA, ACA) to be helpful. The dynamics are similar. The term "co-dependent" confused me as well at first, but the behaviors- enabling, caretaking, neglecting our own needs- are similar. I am glad you found this to be helpful too.