When you want to hold on to the feelings of love, but let go of him

[Chiara74]

Hello

I hope you are doing well. It is my first time here and I am looking for advice from someone that has felt similar emotions and feelings. Or just for some piece of wisdom.

I broke up with my bpd boyfriend (diagnosed while we were in the process of breaking up) 6 months ago and there has not been a single day without me thinking of him. The relationship was short, around 1 year but with a lot of separations, distance. The problem is I fall in love rarely and this was very strong for me. I've never loved anyone like this before. It was extraordinary.

I thought the reason I couldn't stop thinking about him was the dopamine low that followed the madness, the love - it felt like withdrawal. But it's been almost 7 months and I am still thinking of him constantly. He is everywhere. And I feel a mix of feelings, opposite at times ( as if I was exhibiting borderline tendencies myself; I feel compassion and hate, disgust and admiration etc). I suffered a lot.

I know we do not have a future together; he is really ill, he suffers greatly and he finds relief in hurting those that love him the most. No self awareness, no taking responsibility, lying, narcissistic tendencies in the sense that he thinks that rules of common sense do not apply to him, he thinks he's special ( that, he is), hypersensitive, talented, can charm anyone in record time, ungrateful (so many people, old and new friends help him constantly), the hallucinations, the paranoia, the alcoholism, the rage (never directed at me, but he would tell me about it) etc - practically all 9 symptoms that describe the disorder. And more! I know I cant help him, or defend myself against his abuse.

He "broke up" with me when he decided to punish me for pointing out to him hurtful behaviour. So the punishment was betrayal, someone else was involved. But I knew he was doing it to take control, by that time I had decided to leave and he felt it. I never went back. He tried every month to re-connect, with very romantic gestures, also with mean attempts to have me react ( bringing the same girl in our café and in places where he knew I could see them - just to provoke a reaction). I kept my silence and I feel that now, I start forgetting how it feels to love him. The problem is I do not want to loose the feeling of love, I feel I am loosing something very important. I do not know how to integrate this experience in a manner where I keep its extraordinerness (I know the word doesn't exist, but Im sure you know what I mean) and move on at the same time. He is so complex, and it seems impossible to me to crystallise an imagine of him, put him in a box, in a drawer. I knew nothing of bpd when we met, but just a few weeks after we've met I asked him: who are you and why do you do the things you do? there's no coherence in what you do and what you say.." I immediately saw the dissonance, the inconsistencies, the madness but I had no experience with disordered minds so I underestimated its consequences.To me the madness was part of the puzzle, of the attraction. I saw a lot from the beginning, understood more about him than he understood himself, and I accepted him, loved him the way he is. With all I had and am. What I couldn't accept was the mean acts. It is when I said stop. I can never justify the desire to hurt someone - he would justify it way too easily. This is not a boundary I set artificially, but one that is natural. I simply can't see love in the same space with the lying, the betrayals etc. But he is at the same time extraordinary, and beautiful.

How do we let go of love that is profound from our side and so un-real from theirs? And how do we move on without loosing it all? I don't want to put him in the sick person box - he's so much more than a diagnosis but if I don't, I'm stuck. It is the feeling of love that I'm afraid to loose. I am not sure this makes sense.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

[kells76]

Hi Chiara74, welcome to the group 

Your brief but intense relationship, with many highs and lows, and with many positives and negatives, will sound familiar to so many members here -- you're definitely not alone. And many members could even say they felt exactly this:

I've never loved anyone like this before. It was extraordinary.

Somehow, it's a very common thread in many BPD relationships -- the feeling of "I've never felt this before, and I don't think I can with anyone else".

It also makes sense that you're feeling a mix of feelings right now. Do you see yourself as being in the grieving process (or possibly abandonment cycle)? If so, where in the process do you think you're at?

This part of your post stood out to me:

How do we let go of love that is profound from our side and so un-real from theirs? And how do we move on without loosing it all? I don't want to put him in the sick person box - he's so much more than a diagnosis but if I don't, I'm stuck. It is the feeling of love that I'm afraid to loose. I am not sure this makes sense.

What do you fear happening, if you lost (or couldn't return to) that feeling?

[findinggratitude]

I just want to reply to say I can very much relate to this. I have only recently started to come to terms with the fact that the love I felt was not actually love. It was attachment, and a desire to help. It was observing (from the very beginning, before I was aware there was a disorder in the mix) someone who seemed very fragile, alone, and sort of "not of this world". I (wrongly) perceived her to be innocent in a sort of ephemeral way, like a very pure being. And with that, also came a significant amount of pity for this poor, skinless person (that's the only way I can describe it) thrust into the big bad world with such an open and pure heart.

I can see now that while much of my interpretations of her were true as far as the fragility and inability to navigate the world of interpersonal relationships (she was painfully shy and self conscious)...the naivete and innocence were more part of a stubborn (not her fault) inability to extend beyond the mindset, developmentally, of a very young child. And the tantrums and running and sullenness and pouting and impulsiveness and all of the other behaviors that would be appropriate for a toddler, are cruel and wildly confusing when you observe an adult behaving in such a way.

I think what we are probably more distressed about is the fact we saw someone inside the disorder who we felt deeply for, and there is something beautiful about these people WHEN the disorder is not manifesting its negative traits. I would daresay the positives are also a part of the disorder, but that childlike wonder and sweetness is still just an adult unable to get away from a child's response to life. So, it's more this confusion within us on how we could have gotten things so WRONG, when we truly did experience these what-we-perceive as positive aspects of the person (still disordered, just more attractive to us). And we lose part of ourselves in letting that go, because maybe it reminded us of being innocent or unfettered by the complexities of navigating adult dynamics. I'm not sure, and it's really hard to articulate, but it's okay to grieve that lost innocence on OUR part, I think. Which is, for me, I THINK, what I am more sad about than anything. It took me awhile to figure it out, and I may come to another conclusion as I continue with the process of detaching, because it really is SUCH a process.

[firehouse3]

I felt the same way, that I never loved someone more then I loved her

But if I look back at the relationship with the eye of a scientist and not a poet something becomes apparent:

I was coerced into loving her so much.

With the threat of retaliation if I didn't, I was made to text her 20-25 times a day.  I was made to send her dramatic and expressive and loving good morning and good night texts.  I was coerced into giving her lavish gifts.   I was pressured to have sex more often by far then I've ever had in my life

When I didn't do these things, she became hostile, or told me I didn't know how to love

Put simply, the BPD MADE us love them more then anybody we've ever loved before, because of their deep rooted insecurity.  Not because they were deserving of it or because they were so special or because we legitimately wanted to give them that much love for our own personal reasons. 

They simply forced us to love them that much

How do we get over it?  Think logically about why you loved them.  Did they truly deserve to be loved that much?  Think about all the abuse you endured from them.  Did that person really deserve you to love them more then anyone else?  Obviously the answer is no. 

[tina7868]

Hi Chiara74, and welcome to the forum!

There are many interesting points for you to ponder already.

It is the feeling of love that I'm afraid to loose. I am not sure this makes sense.

This does make sense, and I have felt this way myself. I wanted to say that, the capacity you have to love is something that comes from you, it is something special within you that allows you to open your heart and be there for other people. You won`t lose that. In fact, when you find the right people (and you will) to share this love with, it will be so much more peaceful and rewarding and reciprocal that you will look back at the situation with your ex, notice the lack of what you deserved, and be grateful that you aren`t in that situation anymore.

It is normal to be afraid to let go. In letting go, you free up space for better. And I promise you, there is better.

[findinggratitude]

comes apparI felt the same way, that I never loved someone more then I loved her

I was coerced into loving her so much.

With the threat of retaliation if I didn't, I was made to text her 20-25 times a day.  I was made to send her dramatic and expressive and loving good morning and good night texts.  

These are the sort of "what seem minor" red-flags that speak to coercion, yes! I had the same experience. It was the saturation, and constant, and I mean constant, interruption of my day. I was programmed (almost immediately) to make her front and center in my life, and I had a vague feeling of fear all the time because of it because I KNEW it was a set up for me to fail. I simply could not give out the energy she required, no one could, and I was always waiting for her to tell me I wasn't reassuring her enough. I think carrying a vague fear, or slight hiccup of panic whenever a text came in is very telling.

And when you are putting SO much effort into making them feel loved, and constantly being reminded you're not doing a good enough job, that's really heartbreaking, but says something about us. We should be able to reassess from OUR point of view and believe we ARE doing enough. But we quickly just let them dictate our worth because it matters so much to us to be 'good'. That's what needs exploring. I STILL am caught up in the fact she clearly thinks I'm not a good and loving partner, when she was the one who just jumped ship in a shocking way (while always accusing me of being the one who likely would). Thats on me!

[Chiara74]

Dear kells, tina, firehouse, and findinggratitude - I am so grateful for your time and your shared thoughts and advice! Really, I can't put it into words how incredibly helpful this community is in times like these.

To answer your comments and questions:

kells76, I am afraid of loosing the feeling of love per se - the state of mind of a person in love - when music sounds differently, colours are brighter etc.. I know it is chemical, but how wonderful! I'm reading here that partners of bpd want to forget the good times so that they can move on. I don't want to forget, and! I want to move on. I simply don't know how to integrate this experience in my life - I need his image crystallised, and it is impossible to do it. As said in my initial post, I am convinced this is not the right relationship for me and I will never go back. As soon as his behaviour started impacting me, I left. I have the discipline to stay away, I know there is no future together. He is ill and there is no question about it. To me, it is an impossible love, but it is real love from my side anyway - and the way I am, my personality, can't take no for an answer. I am in love and "I need to fix" this is my default setting. I am a problem solver. But I feel this has been my journey during these 7 months - to accept for the first time in my life that I can't do anything about it. But the love is still there.. We bumped into each other a few times during these 7 months; he lives just around the corner from me. We once had a 30 min coffee together, I cut it short. There is something in his energy, his body type, his presence that I miss terribly. He added to my life a great deal, made it different, colourful and I can't stop being jealous of those who surround him right now, those who are being seduced right now - I remember how enthralling it is to be around him. And I know that the illness comes with the territory, this is why I am out, but I still miss him.. and still want him. But I will not!

We were similar in our sensitivity towards art and beauty, forms and colours.. excessive from his side at times - he couldn't use a spoon if he thought it ugly; or stay in a room where he considered the length of the curtains wrong and unbalancing the rest of the room etc. During our break up for instance, he sent me an extract of Cafe muller, from Tina Bausch, where one of the dancers, the male, keeps dropping on the floor the female dancer.. his arms are not strong enough, he seems completely lost, but she keeps on getting up and clinging on to him, they do this ad nauseam, tens of times..  I play the piano, and in the clinic (an old castle) where he was hospitalised (initially for detox, alcoholism but after a month diagnosed with bpd, and adhd, and who knows what else) there was an old piano, which I played when I went to visit.. And he's crying, and everyone stops doing what they are doing. And it's Chopin, the suffocation etude etc. And then he brings me all the flowers from the castle's garden, keeping them in 10 vases over night so that he can make a bouquet the next day for me.. Just to give you some episodes of life with him. It was all a scene from film or literature, all intense. The simplest dinner, an event. Nothing was ordinary, or without beauty or tragedy. While in the clinic, he attempted suicide.. He only wanted to see me. When I came the next day, he said: you're my Onassis, referring to Callas that we both thing died of a broken heart. etc We co-created this, the story, the film.. His main story, one of becoming -  in just one year, this young man becomes someone else, entirely - the romantic theme by excellence: transformation. Who is he, and how is he really I have no idea. He changed physically quite a lot, too.

Now, what is important in this story is this: his illness, his bpd, his other issues, the suicide attempts - I came to know of them during our last month together, it was sudden and shocking! I've know this boy for a year an a half, and I saw the issues, but he's special, and alcoholic, I thought.. I couldn't guess the seriousness of his condition and I knew nothing of bpd or cluster Bs. It was all revealed to me at once, and seeing him so ill was an immense shock. But his capacity to be mean while being so sick was even more terrifying... So I left, but it was a forced departure, under shock, under realisation. I fought with feelings of guilt for many long months, in a lesser amount, I still have them. During the first, 3, 4 months, I slept a few hours a night.. having my phone next to me, checkin to see if he's online, alive.. I made sure to send comforting messages, but clear ones in terms of us needing time apart to heal.

He never appeared to me as someone that fears abandonment. He never really insisted, or charmed.. He attempted a few times to reconnect, leaving roses in my mailbox, and notes.. sending art etc. Nothing more.

We were also very different. Our age difference is significant, I am older. He was for me from a different generation, a different culture, a different world.. he was "the other" and highly attractive for it. Having this story end, feels I am loosing something very important that I wish I could keep. My youth with it.. But what to keep and how to move on? And to answer another question, I don't know where I am in the healing/grieving process.. I have daily bursts of anger when I think of some of his behaviour, and daily I miss him, too.

findinggratitude, you're so wise!
And so right about the loss of innocence and grieving it...
firehouse, I also made him the center of my life. I lost so much professionally, socially, but I always felt it was a choice I made. It felt to me it was worth it. So worth it, that even now I wanna hold on to it- whatever "it" means.
And I don't know, firehouse if they deserve it.. But reading, tina7868's message made me cry... What a realisation! Thank you so much!
I am sending you all virtual hugs and wishing to all of us here, clarity of thought and determination!
much love!

[Chiara74]

Hello again

I am here because after having written my long reply on this board the other day (I apologise for the excessive length of the post!) it seems like I went back months in my psychological/emotional life and advancement in this process - writing about him, the memories, must have triggered this regression. I know healing is not linear, but I wonder, how do we know the difference between trauma (as I define it: emotional suffering negatively impacting us and the way we live our lives/relationships in the future) or as another step in the process? It has been 7 months... it is hard to track progress. The predominate feeling I have is guilt, again. I remember his suffering, his reactions/strong emotions, I have flash backs.. I wish I could comfort him, love him as he so desperately needs. I know he sees me as someone that has seen him, and left him/betrayed him. I see this, too.

During these long months it has been very difficult to focus on me (I don't know how!). And while I know I have not created his illness and it's not on me to fix it, I also know I have the capacity to deal with it, help him, play that role of a maternal figure to re-built his trust etc. I also know this is not the definition of a romantic relationship, and I think that becoming his caregiver would remove a lot of the attraction from my side - and yet! the age difference makes me love him like a son, like a lover, like a brother..
It was all these different types of love I had for him that made it so special to me, so complete.

I have days like today when I love him and miss him dearly. Later today I will hate him, again.. This hate/love is sometimes too much to carry daily, isn't it? Should I impose myself not to think about him or better to think it "all" and get it out of my system? What's the difference between rumination and processing feelings?

how do I sound to you? in love, still?

[H71]

All of these posts resonate with me. I thought i was going mad

[WhatThe]

All of the feelings are familiar to most of us.

It has taken me 17 years of cycling with my exBPD to finally end it for good.  The last 5 years we lived together.  I too recall, when we were not together, the longing and confusion of why can't there be a relationship if it was so good??  Of course apart from a couple of months ago, I didn't know he had BPD.  Then it all started making sense.

For the nonBPD partner, I now believe it is unrequited love.  We long for what we were briefly shown and promised, but it didn't truly exist from the other side because they are incapable of it.  What we fell in love with was a mirror, and they "become" through observation of us the way we are.  Our values, our beliefs and preferences, our hobbies or favourite places, our music.  They appropriate ''us''.  So we think we've found a soulmate.  What is not intoxicating about that?

That's how I see it.

[try2heal]

For the nonBPD partner, I now believe it is unrequited love.  We long for what we were briefly shown and promised, but it didn't truly exist from the other side because they are incapable of it.  What we fell in love with was a mirror, and they "become" through observation of us the way we are.  Our values, our beliefs and preferences, our hobbies or favourite places, our music.  They appropriate ''us''.  So we think we've found a soulmate.  What is not intoxicating about that?

That's how I see it.

Wow! I think you've "hit the nail on the head." I met my uBPDexBF through online dating at a time that I thought being completely open before even meeting was a good thing. I shared so much about what I was looking for, how I'd been hurt, what I believe, etc. And when we met in person I was already head over heels. The energy and attraction was there (as so many of us have shared on this board), and he showed up exactly as I wanted him to. BUT almost none of it was real. Some was, I think, who he wants to be. Some was who he once was. Most, though? Most was made up for me.

I loved an illusion. He tried, but couldn't love me.

[findinggratitude]

Put simply, the BPD MADE us love them more then anybody we've ever loved before,

This really stuck out to me as true.

And Chiara74: I think this play that role of a maternal figure (or paternal role) comes into play in many of our relationships, it absolutely did mine. I don't think an age difference or not would matter. It's the nature of the bpd it seems like to me, this relentless need that they present in some way, even if it's not overt, it's palpable....a need for guidance and reassurance and some sort of "template for life." I believe they (subconsciously) set it up this way (and the mirroring is a part of it, too....this constant copying of our own ways and interests, to the point my ex would adapt my manner of speech and vocabulary, the foods I liked that she hadn't before she suddenly latched onto as "her foods" as well). It creates this intense energy, I'm not sure I would call it love anymore, but it's all wrapped up in caretaking AND sex, guiding them and relying on them to need that guidance in some twisted way, and so much more. So, their sudden absence leaves this very strange and much deeper dark space than a typical breakup would...it's almost like theyre so glued to us when they pull away they pull part of ourselves away too. So in the aftermath we're kind of staggering around missing limbs (that's the best analogy I can use). I understand the spot you're in right now, and I also have experienced it fade in myself over recent weeks....so it will happen for you too.