Starting self-care and already getting told I'm being too selfish

[DogLoverMom]

I have recently decided I really need to start making some changes within myself. I started dating my undiagnosed BPD spouse when I was 14. He was my first boyfriend. I've come to realize that my sister who is 15 months younger than me also has BPD, but her symptoms have improved drastically since having kids. I have very little sense of self, and never did. My husband's BPD is affecting our children (8 and 11) and I don't want them to learn these unhealthy caretaking behaviors I am currently showing them.
I started listening to STOP CARETAKING THE BPD and it has been extremely enlightening so far. I am a caretaker to an pretty high extent.
I have made very small adjustments towards self care, but my BPD spouse keeps bringing it up. He is upset that while we were arguing I told him I was focusing on myself and concerned with what I need and not what he needs. It was once a week ago, and he keeps saying I've "gone too far". He is showing me articles on his phone about how there is a fine line between self-care and being selfish but when I look it up, I keep seeing how self care isn't selfish....
He says I've changed and I don't love him the same anymore. I am extremely burnt out after dealing with him and his rages and insecurities for the last 20 years while being the sole provider in the house and helping a lot with the kids when I am home.
I know to expect some backlash when changing the routine. Just looking for a reality check.

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[MindfulBreath]

I just finished reading that book as well - what an amazing read and so enlightening and also hard to swallow.

I've also been trying to implement the strategies with mixed success. Overall, it feels like implementation requires limiting interactions and responses and basically no longer expressing how we genuinely feel, especially when we are criticized, accused, etc., because it doesn't help whatsoever and they are not/are incapable of being truly interested. This has made me feel incredibly disconnected from my BPDh, but I've also felt more fulfilled in my work life and with friendships I'd been neglecting. But I'm sad - because I wish I could have the closeness I previously thought I could achieve with my husband.... once he addressed his childhood trauma and actually did the work. I'm a protesting colluder, and am finally realizing that his promises to change - over and over and over again - are never going to materialize. At least while I am allowing him to continue to treat me in the same way with no real consequences.

This is interesting - and may be interesting to other members of this group: I actually reached out to the author of the book, Margalis Fjelstad, via email last week and asked her if emotional intimacy was still possible with my husband, and she directly told me "no". In fact, here is a direct quote from her: "BP/NP expect to merge your identity into exactly matching theirs, which is impossible. Whenever there is any difference between you and your husband, he is likely to be upset and feel you don't love or care about him. Which means your identity gets completely overridden by his. Because the BP/NP cannot tolerate your being a separate individual, they cannot be truly vulnerable, connected, or emotionally intimate."

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, except that you absolutely should continue to try and prioritize your own self-care. It makes total sense that your husband doesn't like you doing something different - he expects you to have the same wants and needs and feelings as he does, right? So once you don't, there is an issue. It's not easy, and I just keep repeating to myself that it doesn't matter that what they are saying is hurtful, often projection, and often downright hypocritical - they just can't see it and no amount of explanation or reasoning or convincing (or shouting indignantly...) will help. We just have to keep being lovingly firm and finally putting our own wants and needs (and those of your children) first.

You are not alone! Keep going!!!

[50andwastedlife]

That so resonates with me DLM, in fact I could have written it myself. 20 years of reassuring and boosting and repressing my own sense of ego/self has really left me drained. And self-care seems impossible - it is always perceived as selfish abandonment, and not being triggered by that is my challenge...

That statement that MindfulBreath made, from the Margalis Fjelstad book...took my breath away. I think I have realised this over the last few years and have been going through a grieving process - I spent so long thinking that this therapy would help or that house move. Now I accept that nothing will change, and my H will never see me as a separate person, or at least, not in a positive way. It is a sad and lonely place to be, but better than deluding myself that I can make it work if I try hard enough!!

Not sure I'm helping here, but...you're not alone. Stick with the self care!!

[Anonymous22]

The key here is that you need to take care of yourself, however you feel best, and not worry about what anyone thinks, including your husband.  He may get mad and react with his usual behavior, it may get worse, but you have to take care of yourself and your children.  Of course he is mad, any second spent on yourself or the kids means time away from taking care of him, but how fair is that...especially to your kids?  I have found that my only choice if I want to continue my relationship with my uBPDh is to connect when things are good and "disconnect" mentally when things are not good with him.  I continue to act my normal self, and have encouraged my kids to do the same, but I don't take anything personally.  He starts in with a comment to drag me into a fight, I tell him every time..."I am not doing this with you, there are kids around"...and I literally don't react or respond to a thing he says.  He knows this is the reaction he will get now, so the yelling has decreased significantly, instead he just goes into silent mode, which isn't fun either, but its not as horrible as the yelling!

[DogLoverMom]

Thank you everyone.

Mindfulbreath... Wow, that really is some quote from the author.  I guess I will have to see how things go from here, and if a lack of true emotional intimacy is something I can accept.

Anonymous22, that's a great line to use, I will definitely try that in the future. The first time I tried something similar, I eventually gave in and started arguing back with my points, but I didn't do what I usually do and take responsibility for his emotions and insecurities.

 For someone who has attematly denied a BPD diagnosis, he should really hear himself sometimes. He was saying my acknowledgement of his emotions wasn't enough, that I needed to accept my part in them or he wouldn't be able to sleep. Last night he was saying that there's really nothing wrong with doing everything together, that it isn't codependency. (Which now thanks to the book, I know it isn't! But definitely makes sense why I never resonated with anything on my part reading articles on codependency. )

I'm currently getting my first pedicure in over 2 years. My husband tried to convince me to do a workout he wanted to do with me last night, but I stayed firm and did the yoga I wanted (and knew he would never do) last night.  I think I have reached the point of no return and while I'm unsure of if my relationship will survive, I will be in a better place for me and my kids, and possibly my husband.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think you are on the right track, because self-care is so important.  My advice would be to work on enforcing boundaries a little at a time, and maybe think in terms of baby steps and being a little flexible.  Of course your husband will protest, because by engaging in self-care, you're carving out a little time, effort, and/or money just for you, which likely means time, effort and/or money not spent exclusively on him!  My husband, who has some BPD traits, yelled at me viciously when I tried to start going to the gym after work some nights, because I wouldn't be home to make him dinner at 6 PM sharp.  I told him he would have to wait 45 minutes, make a snack, make dinner himself or order out.  I felt it was tremendously unfair for him to expect me to make him dinner 365 days a year (both of us had full-time jobs, mine outside the home and his working from home most days).  At some point, I felt he was treating me worse than a maid, as I was unpaid and not allowed any vacation from home chores; how healthy is that?  And by throwing such fits, he basically enforced a curfew on me of 6 PM every night, whereas he was free to pursue his hobbies at night whenever he wanted!  (He would eat the meal I prepared for him whenever he got home late.)  Anyway, I was firm about establishing a boundary--I wanted to go to the gym once a week.  Since dinnertime was so contentious with him, I ended up going on Tuesday or Wednesday mornings before work.  At first he protested about that too (he had to make his own morning coffee), but eventually it became a routine.

When he was in a calmer mood, I explained how I supported his hobbies and never complained, and that in turn it would be nice to feel supported by him when I pursue my own interests.  I reminded him that pursuing our own interests was a hallmark of a healthy relationship, and that it didn't entail anything that was untoward or jeopardizing our marriage.  On the contrary, pursuing hobbies and working out regularly was healthy for both of us!  Since he was in a calm state (not anxious or enraged about dinner and/or being left alone temporarily), I think he could see the logic.  In fact I think he could see he was being unreasonable, though he wouldn't dare admit it.

Then once I introduced the gym routine and it became "normal," I could start with other initiatives.  One was socializing with my friends, without him.  I confess I'm still working on that issue, as he'll act extremely jealous and paranoid if I'm out with a friend, say to go for a walk and then grab lunch.  Typically he'll resort to yelling and accusations (Why are you gone for so long!?  Where are you?!?  It's really sh**** of you to leave me!), but I make a point to socialize anyway, for my own mental health.  He can yell and scream and pout, and I'll say something like, "Like I told you, I'm with my friend and I'll be home in an hour.  I'm going to hang up if you continue to yell at me."  And when I come home, he usually still pouts and gives me the silent treatment for a day.  But when he calms down, I think he sees how he's being ridiculous, getting irate because I dared to have lunch with a girlfriend and did something fun for a couple of hours.  Then I try to balance the scales, and ask him to go to lunch with me sometime.  That way it starts to feel "normal" and less threatening, I hope.

Finally, I recommend using abundant praise.  If you catch your husband doing something that you would like to pursue, then praise him for that:  "Honey, it's great that you're exercising and taking such good care of yourself."  Why?  So when you exercise and take care of yourself, he's predisposed to think positively.  And let's say you do enjoy a yoga session; right afterwards, be sure to heap on the praise:  "Honey, thanks so much for letting me take the yoga class.  I really appreciate how you support me!  I feel great when I practice yoga!  Maybe you'd like to join me next time?"  I know this may sound kooky, but it's worked for me.  Try to "catch him in the act" of doing something that helps you or your mental health, and praise him, no matter how small.  "Honey, I love how you always ask me if I slept well.  You're such a good husband."  I try to say, "You're such a good husband" every day.

[LittleRedBarn]

This is interesting - and may be interesting to other members of this group: I actually reached out to the author of the book, Margalis Fjelstad, via email last week and asked her if emotional intimacy was still possible with my husband, and she directly told me "no". In fact, here is a direct quote from her: "BP/NP expect to merge your identity into exactly matching theirs, which is impossible. Whenever there is any difference between you and your husband, he is likely to be upset and feel you don't love or care about him. Which means your identity gets completely overridden by his. Because the BP/NP cannot tolerate your being a separate individual, they cannot be truly vulnerable, connected, or emotionally intimate."

This is so sad, and I think I have been grappling with accepting this for some time now. I'm starting to see that a lot of the anger that I'm experiencing is, in fact, grief. I'm mourning the idea that my dBPD husband and I can ever have the truly intimate relationship of equals that I'd always hoped for. I'm still committed to the marriage, because he has so many good qualities that counteract the bad, but it does break my heart that I will never really be KNOWN by him.

My therapist has recommended that I read "Grieving Mental Illness" by Virginia Lafond. I've ordered it from the local library.

[50andwastedlife]

I also realised, thinking about this thread, that my H sees my work as self care and resents it massively for that. He characterises my job as an endlessly rewarding, fun, excluding activity - like being in an episode of "Friends" or something all day long; and positions himself as sad, lonely and abandoned and uncared for in contrast.

My job is fine, with nice people who appreciate what I do, but it is quite hard and stressful, too. Nonetheless, I've found myself falling into accepting his view and feeling like I can't do anything for myself AS WELL as work, as it is selfish enough to work at all. I still can't imagine self-care - but I can see I need to work on my perception of it!

[DogLoverMom]

I also realised, thinking about this thread, that my H sees my work as self care and resents it massively for that. He characterises my job as an endlessly rewarding, fun, excluding activity - like being in an episode of "Friends" or something all day long; and positions himself as sad, lonely and abandoned and uncared for in contrast.

My job is fine, with nice people who appreciate what I do, but it is quite hard and stressful, too. Nonetheless, I've found myself falling into accepting his view and feeling like I can't do anything for myself AS WELL as work, as it is selfish enough to work at all. I still can't imagine self-care - but I can see I need to work on my perception of it!

My husband has said this as well! I am a nurse anesthetist or CRNA. I am responsible for putting people to sleep, keeping them safe and comfortable and asleep during surgery, and waking them up. I work long days/nights 8-16 hours at a time. I do absolutely love my job, and I do have a lot of downtime during long cases when patients are stable. But that is never guaranteed and even if it is an easy day, I still have to be constantly vigilant  (more so than I am at home to my husband's moods). It's so mentally draining.  He constantly complains how he would be so happy to have a career that's as rewarding as mine and that I love as much as I love mine..
 I get it, but he also isn't really putting in the effort to figure out what that career is. And being a stay at home dad to an 8 and 11 year old who only go to extracurricular activities for 4 hours combined for the whole week, who doesn't volunteer at the school (ever), and can't go grocery shopping on their own isn't really enough effort in my opinion.
It is my perception that has been off due to frequent comments like these..
I just had a staycation and got a pedicure, did a facemask, read a book, had some alone time. It was really nice and even though I'm still being told I'm selfish, I'm trying to ignore the things he says that I don't like. (So ironic because he's usually mad at me for "dismissing and ignoring" him)