feeling lost

[BPDstinks]

Hi, friends!  been awhile since I have posted....I knew this would happen...this is nearing the 2nd year of contactLESS holidays with my pwBPD; I just have this nagging sensation I should do SOMETHING, anything...(I did text BPD because her insurance card needed updated; sent a very brief, "I miss you & I love you); BPD is still in contact with my mother, so that is a good thing...I know i am setting myself up for failure, but I really thought, by NOW BPD would have "come around" (than I remind myself, it is nothing personal, etc.; any thoughts or suggestions?  I feel so sad EVERY day (I see messages about keeping busy, doing things for yourself...I am busy & feel complete in my "adult" life, I just miss my pwBPD too much)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi BPD,
I get it.  My adult son is also estranged. It doesn't help the Hellidays ( er, Holidays) are coming up.  I, too wonder how long is this going to go on. I am trying to remember if he gets intouch is out of my hands,but it is still terrible,.  Self care is in order.  What is something kind you can do for you?  Plug in "estrangement " into the search feature here for some readings that may help.  I am looking into starting a new hobby- taking rollerskating lessons at the age of 62.  For that 30 minutes per week, I am not thinking of my BPD.Hopfully I can stick with it long enough to meet some goals , which will increase my self esteem.  Put the focus on you, as much as you can. 

[BPDstinks]

thank you for responding!  I DO feel like i need SOMEthing I am passionate about again (I was obsessed with Zumba...than, Covid, work, blah blah; I will try the estrangement option...!  it is going on 2 years now!  (again, the strange thing is she reaches out to my MOTHER!) (she did last night & acknowledged receiving my text...um, ok

[BPDstinks]

I read the Estrangement link....oh my!  I think i have been doing everything BACKWARDS!  Thank you for the tip!

[Ourworld]

Dear BPDStinks,

I’m sorry to hear how upset you feel, if it is any consolation I thought I would be on my way overseas for missionary work this year instead I’m recovering from ear surgery!
I still think and pray for my daughter each day, she’s 39 now, and I was shown what she wrote on LinkedIn for her career and she sounded positive and with good self-esteem again. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I thought you had read stuff before, such as Walking on Eggshells, but I really hope there are some good resources that help lift you out of the blahs!! There is all kinds of fun things to try, like this roller skating class, the more you do maybe the less you’ll worry about or feel sad that she isn’t communicating with you.

My daughter was an only child, all that remains here from my immediate biological family are 3 siblings who barely spoke with me and now since my Mom passed in June, I doubt I will ever hear much from them again. My point is, if she is in contact with them, I would not even know.

So, at least she speaks some with your Mom, that’s actually somewhat comforting. When she’s ready for her life to get better, as my daughter finally has, she’ll seek treatment, just pray, keep your chin up (you wouldn’t want her to know that you’re sad), and keep on, keeping on.
I did, and you even have other people in your daily life!

Go have fun, do silly things just for you!

Hugs, OurWorld

[BPDstinks]

Thank you, Our World!  yup!  I have read Walking On Eggshells & I Hate You Don't Leave Me (amongst other resources); far be it for me to disagree with your kind words....I have a very FULL life...(though, I am anxiously awaiting the new gym, by me, to open up), I went back to church, i see my grandchildren....I just saw this movie, "Here" and I think life is all about transition....and while that is SAD, it is a part of life...I know I just need to "wait it out" & you are 100 percent...I don't want pwBPD to know I am sad!  One thing I read, stands out, "about acknowledging mistakes"...I realize I need to stop comparing pwBPD issues to my own mental health "accomplishments", I know I did that when we were together...I want her to know I am ready to try again!  thanks again!

[Sancho]

Hi BPDstinks
There is so much loss and grief we carry on the BPD journey. I've been mulling over how we deal with this and wondered the other day if 'leaning into' the pain is better than trying to push it aside.

Then I wondered how to do this. I have read of people who have a special place in their house where they sit, light a candle and spend time thinking of their child, or in the case where a child is missing, lighting a candle in a window each evening.

Then I thought of a journal. I am not a journal writing person, but for the past few years I wrote once a week to a very elderly friend who had become too deaf to be able to talk on the phone. I did this weekly for a few years until she passed earlier this year.

I was rather amazed at how this actually helped me! In the short notes I talked about the season and anything beautiful around me but also about how I was feeling.

To be honest when my friend passed, I missed writing those notes because they were a great help to me!

So I just thought I would mention this just to see if exploring ways of 'leaning into' the pain, making a time and space for this in your life can be helpful - rather than carrying it and trying to push it aside.

A journal would also be a record of this painful journey you are on - a record of the love you have for your DD, the pain you feel when she is connects to others and how you are always focused on her best interests.

[Ourworld]

Journals are wonderful, I have journaled about things going on in my life for years, and I love reading one every once in awhile and seeing how much I’ve grown!

I currently have my regular journal and a Gratitude Journal (given to me by a friend); so now I’ve even diversified! There are times when I write in one or the other, but there are also times I write in both! One about concerns or thoughts and the Gratitude journal for things I am thankful for that day!

You might try that if you don’t already BPDStinks; it can just be a notebook you have that can be closed, you don’t necessarily have to get anything fancy although there are some good ones with daily devotionals!

[BPDstinks]

Thank you, Our World and Sancho!  You said the magic words...I just realized this last week (I was out of town, ALONE, traveling for work and I realized...I keep SOOO busy that I (as you mentioned" PUSH the thoughts/feelings aside!  I take pictures of all of the quotes i find, however, I agree journaling could help!  Thank you so much and I hope you are both well!  (oh...I do a "thing" at my gym there is a little chapel with a prayer request; once a month I write the same exact prayer, "for my pwBPD to find her "way"

[Sancho]

Oh BPDstinks
Am sitting here tears in my eyes after reading of your monthly prayer!

[Ourworld]

Hi BPDStinks,
How I sincerely hope and pray writing in a journal or journals will help you find some peace! Writing our feelings out really does help and keeps us focused on what truly matters the most.

Remember as you get stronger, that hopefully day-by-day she will get stronger and heal, but try and realize that her healing is for her peace of mind and don’t selfishly expect her to come running back in your arms.

I know that may be difficult to hear, but truly for me, my greatest hope is for her to run back into Jesus’ arms and find peace.

I will add you to my own prayer list for your peace and acceptance!
I often pray for everyone effected by this horrible disorder and our precious kids anyway, but I will add you specifically by name.

I leave you with one of my favorite verses that Jesus spoke to His disciples before his death and resurrection:
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world gives, give I unto you. John 14:27

Hugs, OurWorld

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Sancho! You are so kind!

Your words are like a soft blanket!

I swear you "read" my mind...when the "ghosting" started, the first thing I said, "I would rather she be apart from me but ALIVE" and, I mean that 1000 percent

Rather than the beautiful "running to me" fantasy (which is lovely) I only want to tell her ONE thing...that this time "apart" has made me realize my "faults" in (not the diagnosis, nor not knowing (I used to beat myself up about that) however, i may have been "flippant" (that IS my general personality "fake it til you make it" thing; in my conversations

Thanks again

[Sancho]

That might be a good thought to start your journal?

[Sancho]

I just realised that the fact that I was writing a letter to my friend is a bit different to the usual idea of a journal. It was as though I was sitting down each week with my friend and talking to her.

So just wondering if your journal entries were 'letters' to your DD?

My letters always started with 'My Dear xxxxxx'

[Ourworld]

Hi BPDStinks,

I am glad my words brought you peace. In my journals I actually begin with Dear Lord, God knows and cares about the things we’re going through, but He still lies for us to express it to Him.

Blessings, OurWorld