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Author Topic: I had to figure out why something that shouldn't be a big deal bothered me.  (Read 586 times)
Notwendy
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« on: November 13, 2024, 01:30:55 PM »

BPD mother has spent most of her savings. Fortunately, and with gratitude to my father for doing this- she has a monthly income that can cover her basic needs if she budgets, but budgeting isn't something she has been willing to do.

Discussions with her about this aren't effective and tend to go to her saying "I don't spend anything on myself" ( she spends all of it on herself but since much of it goes to  her living expenses, insurance, etc- that doesn't register as spending on herself. Then she will go to "and I need a sweater and I need a blanket and I can't buy one" (she could if she chose to)

I would gladly buy my mother a blanket if she needed one but I don't. So why? It feels more like a manipulation and also- a pattern. She will say she needs something or something isn't working- and I try to "fix" it but then she complains about that or blames me.

She said she didn't like the Ensure drink she needs to have so I sent her a case of a different kind that I thought she'd like. As soon as she got it she told me she didn't like that one and liked the Ensure better.

I've sent her flowers and she complains to the vendor and gets a different kind.

I have tried to be involved with helping her make medical decisions and then she complains to her nurses and tells them to not speak to me.

I have visited her and she finds something to be upset with me about.

So no, I don't want to buy her a blanket because of the risk she won't like it and I don't want the hurt feelings. Because, if I buy something for someone I do put thought into it and hope they would like it.

So then she tells me ( and I know she wanted me to hear this) that a family member bought her a blanket and she loves it.

Why would this bother me? This family member is aware of her behavior- she's not enmeshed with my mother. She knows I wouldn't refuse to buy my mother a blanket if she needed one. She just happens to be a kind and generous person and decided to do something nice for my mother.

I think it bothers me because, she can do this, and I can't.This family member isn't even aware of the dynamics where BPD mother is "using" her in her own Karpman triangle thinking. She's just being nice.  I'd happily buy my mother a blanket if I thought she'd like it but I don't want to risk being disappointed or allow my mother the opportunity to show disdain for my intentions.
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CC43
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2024, 02:28:06 PM »

Hi Notwendy,

Your mom sounds very taxing indeed.  I bet she makes a point of finding something to complain about.  Even if everything were perfect, she'd complain about it.  I've seen this phenomenon in pwBPD, as well as in people who don't have BPD but exhibit many BPD traits when under stress.  I think that, deep down, pwBPD have a negative outlook on life.  It doesn't really matter if they are unhappy with themselves or unhappy with other people--the end result is complaining, poutiness, self-centeredness, demandingness, petulance, irritability and/or passive-aggressiveness.  When there's nothing left to complain about, then they will fabricate something, like "Stop looking at me.  I don't like it when you're staring."  And then when you look away, they'll say, "You're not paying attention, look at me when I'm speaking!"  Does that scenario sound familiar?  It's the contradictory, go-away-don't-leave-me dynamic that is eternally frustrating and irritating.

You ask, why did this situation bother you?  I'd ask, how can it not bother you?  You are human, and you try to make her happy, but she's not only ungrateful, she's SPITEFUL.  She's unhappy, and she's not able to accept your kindness, so she'll reject it, rejecting you in the process.  When she involves another party--a kind woman who brought her what she wanted--she's just trying to hurt you even more, proving to you that another family member is nicer to her than her own daughter.  How would that not get on your nerves?  Even if your mom was grateful for the gift, I think she was trying to get your goat.  She's manipulative, correct?  You know that, and you see through her.  Worse, she knows that you know, which is probably why your relationship will be forever strained.  Accepting that must be terribly sad for you, because most everyone wants to have a normal mother-daughter relationship, and that's just not possible for you, despite all your efforts.  Therefore I think you're totally justified in not rushing to buy your mom whatever she wants, because in all probability she'll throw it back in your face, finding something wrong with it.  That's her nature.  All you're doing is trying to enforce a boundary--not enable her to blow through her budget, and for you not to spend your hard-earned money on gifts that she'll reject.

I suspect you know all this already, but it still hurts.  I'm sorry about that.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2024, 04:05:02 PM »

Yes, it's hurtful- thanks for understanding. Unfortunately- this is all I know with her. I don't think she's ever been nice or motherly to me. And this blanket one is a minor thing by comparison.

Fortunately, I had good role models for how to be a mother- from my father's family and friend's mothers. We also had child care household help- so I know someone took care of us. I also would observe the mothers of my children's friends. Then there's instinct. I fell in love with my babies immediately. It seems so odd that there's seemingly none of that with my own mother. It's also a sad situation for her too. It's just not there for her.

I also feel for you and the parents - to have a child who behaves like this has to be so difficult. I hope that the newer information and understanding of BPD will set a different path for the younger ones.

My BPD mother also has a lot of NPD traits and that adds to the challenge. Another poster mentioned this psychologist and I found a video that seems to be a good explanation for some of my mother's behaviors, including her lack of interest in budgeting ( too ordinary ).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckiyVcmQTg4

According to this video, if BPD mother needs to feel superior, then it's inevitable she'd have to be critical of what I do- so she can feel superior to that. She prefers to be around people she can control and feel superior to.

It is sad though- and usually I don't think about it but sometimes something reminds me. I know this relative has no intentions of being hurtful to me. She's very kind and generous, but she was played right into my mother's dynamics.
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zachira
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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2024, 05:00:56 PM »

Notwendy,
It is extremely hurtful and frustrating to be the lifetime ongoing target of a disordered person, especially if it is your mother. In my family, there are many lifetime ongoing targets, scapegoats, who did endless generous things for the family and were still treated like dirt, given no recognition for some incredibly kind acts to family members who constantly abused them. One of my aunts who was a family scapegoat took care of me when I broke my leg when my parents were out of town. On another occasion, the same aunt, took care of me and my siblings when my father had a serious heart attack while on vacation out of town. Both of my parents were so furious and mean, as they talked in disparaging tones about how they resented having to thank my aunt on both occasions. An aunt on the other side of the family, took care of my grandmother for years with no help from her siblings, and was told by her siblings she should have quit her job instead of putting my grandmother in a nursing home, even though my aunt was single and my uncles all had wives who did not work.

So of course, it feels terrible how your mother is treating you, and it is really difficult for others to understand that your mother will never be happy with anything you do for her. The explanation does not take away how awful it feels to be treated this way by your own mother, especially how you have taken the high road by treating your mother with kindness and respect. I remember how much it hurt to see my mother treat other children better than me, doing things like hiring another teenage girl to babysit my siblings, than praising the girl to high heavens, never once giving me credit for helping out with my siblings. So many children from other families often said how wonderful my mother was, never realizing that her own children were abused and neglected.
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TelHill
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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2024, 10:18:06 PM »

notwendy,

You’re being a wonderful, thoughtful daughter (one any mother would thank her lucky stars for). It’s natural to feel hurt that bpd mom doesn’t appreciate it.

She’s passive aggressive which is harder to deal with because there’s no direct screaming rage or attack. It’s done on the sly (sending back the flowers insinuating that you can’t pick out the correct flowers unlike she can because she’s naturally superior) so if you defend yourself directly, they make you look like you’re the aggressor instead.  My sibling who I suspect has bpd acts in a passive aggressive manner.  He insinuates that I’m not too bright, live in a dump, live in a bad neighborhood, went to a bad college. He then tells this to my flying monkey cousins who have repeated this to me.

None of this is true but I’ve had to work hard to detach from it to decrease the hurt. Per what I hear in CODA, what he thinks about me is none of my business. He has a right to his opinion.

I’m guessing you might be doing the same but it’s harder to shake with a mother. The bond is strong. I feel the same strong bond with my dBPD mother but it’s a one way street. I’ll always be the scapegoat child to her. The one who should be Cinderella to the whole family while she’s the Queen and my brother the golden child prince who is perfect. It’s very frustrating and surreal.

Take care of yourself, notwendy!






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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2024, 05:04:46 AM »

Thanks Zachira and TellHill-

12 steps has been very helpful. ACA in particular has helped with looking at family of origin. Yes, she does things "behind the scenes" and has been directly angry too. I think I've gotten better at not feeling bothered by her behavior- and getting over it-  but sometimes it's little things - that remind me- this is different.

I think the drive to cling to a mother is an instinctual skill for babies/children. We are adults now but it's a significant person. I think also we have a cultural assumption of mothers so when that doesn't fit- it's a surprise.

I would say the Cinderella to the Queen story could fit here too.

Zachira- interesting that your mother was nice to other children. Mine does this with adults, not children. She'd befriend someone about my age and be the mother/adviser to her.  She would act different around them, but this fits with BPD where the less close relationships are somehow easier. This would also include her extended family members. Mostly I have been glad for her that she has had people nearby as support for her. It would make sense she'd prefer them. They also don't have the same history and dysfunctional family patterns with her.

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Methuen
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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2024, 06:32:02 AM »

I’m late to the party here (still on holiday out of country).

I can completely relate as my mother does this too.

Every time she does this, I smile sweetly and tell her how wonderful it is. 

Hard to psychoanalyze this, but I wonder if it isn’t to increase her own self-worth. ie She is worthy enough that other people do these things for her - and then she feels the need to boast about it to us.

Plus it serves the dual purpose of sending the underlying message to us that we are less worthy because other people care about her more than we do since they do things for her that she likes.

Underneath it irritates me deeply too when she does this.

I don’t think we can ever get used to it. I don’t know that we should expect ourselves to not be bothered by it.  But a lessened intensity is a worthy goal…something I’ve been working on for years.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2024, 07:37:03 AM »

I agree- it is less intense- more like feeling irked about it. Maybe it's something that we aren't going to not be bothered at all about. It's a significant person, even if it's a disordered relationship.

I think having people do things for her does meet an emotional need for her. It also matters who does it. I could have bought her the same blanket but the emotional value may not have been the same.
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Teabunny
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« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2024, 12:10:53 PM »

NotWendy, you are so kind and caring and have done so much to help your mother both now and in the past. It's understandable that you'd feel all the things you express in the forums! We know how the BPD family dynamic works but it's not always possible to avoid the hurt from it. Cause we're all human and respond in human ways to behaviors that harm relationships or are abusive like your mother's. I think of us as just another animal species and we're wired to feel.

Excerpt
I think it bothers me because, she can do this, and I can't.

Yeah absolutely. While you know she has a good intention it also just hurts because we wish we could do that with our own mothers. I tend to feel relief when either parent has a rare positive encounter with someone out there in the world - even though, yes, they did try to use FOG on me in recounting what the person did for them that I of course can't safely do for them. Eventually their behaviors push everyone away, and my parents are seen for what they are.

I know it still hurts, just hang in there and don't judge the feelings as wrong (if you are).
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