Broken - Not sure what to do, suspect ex has bpd

[Muziker]

Hi all,

I dont quite know where to start- I (37m) am currently extremely heartbroken about a breakup (4 years relationship) which happened 9 months ago with my ex (35f). I am completely shattered, feel guilty, hopeless, feel like the breakup is all my fault and would appreciate some insight / help in relation to my story. I'll try to summarise the whole 4 years short which wont be easy. So apologies for the wall of text.

in 2024 Ive met my exGf on Bumble shortly before Covid, we started off great. She is smart, kind, intelligent with a big social circle, surprised me with lots of little gifts and the sex was great. She was so full of energy. I was a player at that time, dating multiple women and was a bit too much into the pickup artistry, kept her at arms length and was cocky and a bit arrogant, which she seemed to like but at the same time hated. After around 3 months she wanted to know if we are progressing into a relationship and got a bit fed up. 2 more months and she said we should remain friends. I took it as a warning and didnt want to lose her because she was one of the best, if not the best woman i have ever met. When I started to give her more attention, she pulled away and i could feel she became distant, however, we were officially a couple. Ive still treated her not in the best way when i look back at this time. She organised a lot of trips, dates and from my side there was not much coming.

6 months after we have met, I wanted to celebrate my birthday and get dinner in town with her when she called me shortly before and said she doesnt feel well. We decided we have dinner at mine and i experienced her breaking down on my floor with an anxiety attack, crying. This was the first time she told me she is suffering from general anxiety disorder and depression, and that she stopped her medication shortly before we have met. She was on-and-off her medication her whole life because of childhood trauma when her parents gave her away to her grandparents when she was little. Her father also physically abused her by beating her. I immediately considered this a red flag at that moment and was sure this is not good for me, for some reason i continued. Her condition got worse- she suffered from a tinitus and completely broke down the following weeks. It got so bad that i took her to a mental institution which was difficult due to covid. She started therapy and started medication again. During this time, i pushed her away to her parents and sister, as i didnt want to deal with her condition. We started to grow apart- she then went to holidays alone with 2 of her female friends and when she came back, she told me she wanted to break up the relationship. During her holidays I was active on a dating app to get some female attention and one of her friends send her the screenshots.

I was completely shocked but didnt beg, cry or plead. She showed me the photos and I agreed to the breakup but felt so terrible that i didnt support her enough and that i was an asshole with my narcissistic tendencies and the dating app thing. I wanted to prove that I love her, but didnt want to be desperate. So i took a slow and steady path to reconnect with her, and after a 5 months breakup, we tried again. During this reconnection process, she was pretty ruthless and tried to hurt me with mean comments about my height, that i am not masculine enough, etc. It was like a different person was speaking to me. She also mentioned that she had met two guys during her holidays but the sex was bad. We always had amazing sex. She also didnt use any protection.

When we came finally back together everything was paradise, we went to lots of holidays and trips together, had a great time and loved each other. She would randomly tell me that she dreams that I will break up with her in the future and it scares her. She was still on her medication during this time but then stopped in alignment with her therapists consultation. She became moody and aggressive, but I was understanding about this. After around a year she asked me to move in with her and i agreed, she was the first woman ive ever lived with. We found a really nice place that she picked and once we moved in, everything got bad. She had problems with the neighbours noises, freaked out over every little detail and cried a lot. In general, she is unable to take the slightest criticism and takes everything personal. I first supported her with the noise, and tried my best to be supportive in general but it got worse and my fear of starting a family with her got bigger. The Sex got less and less and during our winter holidays we had a big argument, which i believe is the root to what follows after. In a moment of frustration after she shouted at me in public, I threatened her to breakup and that I will stop doing nice things to her, especially financial.

The next day I apologised and wanted to discuss it, I forget about these fights rather quickly but she couldnt. She hinted that she is now unable to have sex with me anymore during the rest of our holidays. When we came back, her condition got worse, she started to sleep at the couch every night and woke up in a depressed and moody state. I went for a walk with her to have a talk about the situation where she started crying that said she doesnt feel like a woman anymore, and that she cant have sex anymore, her libido is gone and shes afraid it will never come back. She said she also doesnt want to go on medication again. I was again understanding and asked her if the situation had something to do with me, if i can help to make anything better. She said that this is only about her and not me. After things didnt progress I advised her to look for a new therapist, it turned out her old one was rather a coach then a specialist. They havent even adressed her childhood trauma but were mostly talking about me and the relationship.

Once the new therapist was found, i decided to go on a 4 week vacation by myself to get a clear head. I thought it could be a good idea to sort things out by ourselves. We talked a lot on the phone but everything was negative. I have to be honest, i didnt want to talk to her during that time and i was rather distant as also my personality is dismissive avoidant. I also have some Trauma from childhood btw which probably explains why i was with her for such a long time, but ill adress this later.

When i came back from the vacation we had dinner when she told me she is unsure if the relationship makes sense anymore, she had a few sessions with the new therapist and the reason why she feels so bad is me, because we were fighting during our last holidays and I dont behave appropriate during a fight. I should be more compassionate and understanding. At that point i flipped out and told her i dont want to be with a person who doesnt want to be with me, and that i am upset she never told me this version before when i asked her if it is in any way related to me. She sensed that i was breaking up and cried, and begged that we should work on it. I agreed for some reason but the situation was already done for me mentally. I completely checked out of the relationship, didnt go on dates with her and we became roommates. I didnt even get a birthday present except flowers and didnt do much for her. Sexually I lost attraction because of her mental state so ive never tried to have sex with her. She didnt either. We were sexless for a year at that time. I have then read an article about quiet bpd and send it to her, saying that she might want to consider getting a diagnosis. In my opinion everything made sense but she declined all of it.

A few weeks went by and she started to go out more by herself, came home late at night or in the early morning. She tried to make me jealous saying she is meeting guy friends, she also secretly met her ex and said she just "bumped" into him on the street. I didnt care at all and was already planning how i will break up with her. This was shortly before her birthday and christmas and i didnt want to do it at that time. She then went on a 3 week vacation by herself and when she came back, she said she had found a new place for herself to live and is going to move out in 1 week. She didnt mention breaking up but i did the job for her because it was already on my mind for such a long time. I dont remember what was discussed entirely but I blamed her for being crazy which i completely regret and I am ashamed of myself that i did this. She blamed me for not having arranged nice things for her in the past year, that we didnt go on dates, etc. She also asked if we can try again and fix it, which i declined.

During the week when she was moving out she cried a lot and seeked my comfort, it seemed she didnt want to break up but i was already feeling so free and great. When she finally moved out she still acted like we were together but i pushed her politely away and told her we are not a couple anymore. I have met her a few times because of dealing with the logistics, and she got jeleaous and asking me why i take the breakup in such a normal way. I know a lot of her stories about her ex boyfriends completely going crazy and begging and crying. She was always the one breaking up. She didnt understand why i wasnt chasing her and accused me of not loving her and having a new girlfriend already. She was also asking me If i will financially provide for my next girlfriend when we have a family which was confusing. Now looking back I understand that she thought i was stingy because i didnt do much for her in the last year and she probably got doubts if I will support her once we have a child.

The first 6 months after the breakup were a breezy for me, i didnt even think about her and slept with lots of women and partied hard, which was a massive mistake. I also saw my ex then getting on a dating app about 3 months after the breakup, but it didnt even bother me seeing her on it. On exactly my birthday, 6 months post breakup, i broke down and cried, i suddenly missed her so much and was regretting everything. All emotions surfaced, it was really strange, from one moment to the other I felt bad how i treated her, that i didnt support her enough, that i didnt try to fix it instead throwing in the towel, that i was so distant and emotionally unavailable. This lasted for a month until I couldnt hold it anymore and decided to write her a short but precise email, telling her that i am sorry that I was unappreciative during the last year and that she is a wonderful woman.

Two weeks later she thanked me for it via text, told me she is now back in town from business travels and i took it as a sign to offer a catch up. She said she would be happy to do so but is travelling again and cant do it now. I also had holidays coming up so we agreed to meet once im back. A months and a half have passed without contact and two weeks ago we have arranged dinner, but i had to cancel on the very same day because i got sick. We agreed to move it to next week but then she cancelled, asking if we can move it again, she is again going to the same country, for the whole week+weekend. Our meeting is now scheduled on the next Wednesday. I also highly suspect that she met someone during her business travels and is in a long distance relationship currently (ca. 900miles). I have pretty clear evidence and it makes me feel pretty shattered.

At this point I dont even know what I should say/do during our upcoming meeting and I am afraid she will take revenge on me or be so indifferent that I will reopen old wounds and sacrifice my healing process. I want to apologize on the one hand, but on the other I have already done so. I secretly hope we can reconnect. I am feeling lonely and think I will never find someone like her again. It took my whole life to find a woman to live with and be in a relationship of 4 years. Now that I know more about her condition I would feel more equipped to handle the relationship. I think she just needs to be loved and a hug. I am still scared about having kids with her tho. I miss the sex. I am completely confused. I want to show her how much she means to me because I feel so guilty to have hurt her. I dont understand whats happening and why I am suddenly so desperate. I dont want to end up like her ex boyfriends but Im on my way there which I hate. I have thoughts in my mind that she will now have such a great time with a good successful guy abroad who will reap all the nice things with her, all the kinky sex. She has so many good qualities and I feel stupid for having thrown this away because of some personal problems of hers.

My question is, would there be any benefit in meeting her and what should my strategy be? She is pretty submissive and likes masculinity- over apologising and simping wouldnt benefit me but I also dont want to give her the impression i just want to use her for sex. Does reconnecting ever make sense here?

Thanks for reading and your insights.

Kind regards
Muziker

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[15years]

Hi!

Just a warning, if you restart the rs you will experience more of the same as you did last time. The good and especially the bad. I don't think hugs would work for her long term, it could even make her irritated at you.

You're now looking at everything from the sideline and you're thinking it can't be that bad, that you could handle her. But once you dive in, it's a totally different experience. It's a jungle.

You could try to examine different, healthy ways to fill that sadness/emptiness you feel when you miss her. Maybe you can go to therapy yourself?


I understand the confusion.