it isnt a paranoid delusion, per se.
it is how someone with an insecure attachment style sees the world (threats, hypervigilance, and distrust), and it is how they learned to express their needs; with unrealistic expectations.
with things like blame, like accusations, like attention seeking, as opposed to being vulnerable.
(2) questioning my integrity is a hot button for me
when you start to see that, you realize that it isnt about your integrity; then you can put down the defense of it, and it becomes easier to hear what shes ultimately communicating.
easier said than done, i know.
but if you read between the lines (remove yourself from the equation, and read your post as if someone else were writing it), your wife was likely communicating some version of "i am feeling left out" or "i am feeling excluded" or "we are doing things they want to do, not what i want to do". or some variation, or combination of those things.
ordinary stuff we all deal with, and sometimes even the best of us react badly to, right? but with bpd, everything is exaggerated. it isnt "i am feeling excluded", it is "i feel excluded, therefore that must mean they are excluding me".
and thats the part youre responding to, and arguing with, and it misses the point shes trying (aggressively) to communicate.
on a smaller scale, my ex once told me we "never" spend any time together. i wasnt sure how that was possible. we spent so much time together that i was dying for time apart! wed just spent a whole week together! and it was the way of our relationship (living an hour apart) that we basically shacked up for days on end. i argued the point, of course. i put proof in front of her face of all the time we spend together. she did not see the error of her ways and say to me "wow, you are right, im not sure what i was on!". in fact, i only reinforced her point, that i wasnt interested in spending time together.
years later, i could see that all she was really doing was seeking attention, or affection, or to know that i was interested in spending time with her. truth is i wasnt, and she could feel that.
it takes practice, because when youre actually in it, its like missiles coming at you, and who wouldnt take it personally when someone makes a statement about your character? but 99% of the time, when our loved ones are coming at us their fiercest, what they are really doing is looking for reassurance, and theyre going about it in their emotionally limited, and dysfunctional way. when youre able to step back, and see it for what it is, it is usually driven by a valid feeling we can all relate to, but expressed in a dysfunctional, over the top/exaggerated way.
the neat thing is, that the more you change your responses (and by that, i mean your instinctive reaction, primarily), and redirect into healthier territory, it can (not always, but ideally) build trust, and encourage vulnerable, emotionally open communication, over time.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathyhttps://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
