So much anger

[Parents! Get help here!]

My first post-My daughter is 22 .We adopted her at 9 months and have had trouble from day one. Reactive Attachment Disorder was first with ODD and many other diagnosises including Bipolar and now probable BPD.  She gave me an orbital skull fracture at age 10. Many hospitalizations , 911 calls and more Family Therapies than I can remember.It is always my fault not hers or my husbands. He does not say as much to her for fear of escalating her and fear that she will go after me. We argue a lot about how to handle things-I think we should stand up to her and be firm. Not sweetly asking her to please not be aggressive with Mom. I have an emergency plan -keep my phone on me and don’t lock the front door . This is so if I am cornered 911 people can get in my house. I am so tired of this . I have a 32 year old son who is great. He recently told me he won’t be around his sister. He said”If you want to let her suck the life out of you that is your business but I can’t watch it anymore.” He sees me when she is not around. Most of my family does not want to be around her-even at my Dad’s funeral she made a big disaster. The Crisis Resolve team we just had out told me in our state you cannot ask(or tell) a child to leave. She quits every job but continues to open charge cards. She hangs out with men that are bad news. I told her if she brings one in the house I will call the police. I feel that I just can’t take much more but there is no end in sight. I am 69 with afib-my doctor says just avoid stress. Yea right. I would just like to be able to go on vacation with my husband but we could not trust her in our house alone. Any thoughts or suggestions would be gratefully received- Thanks

[Happywannabe]

My first post-My daughter is 22 .We adopted her at 9 months and have had trouble from day one. Reactive Attachment Disorder was first with ODD and many other diagnosises including Bipolar and now probable BPD.  She gave me an orbital skull fracture at age 10. Many hospitalizations , 911 calls and more Family Therapies than I can remember.It is always my fault not hers or my husbands. He does not say as much to her for fear of escalating her and fear that she will go after me. We argue a lot about how to handle things-I think we should stand up to her and be firm. Not sweetly asking her to please not be aggressive with Mom. I have an emergency plan -keep my phone on me and don’t lock the front door . This is so if I am cornered 911 people can get in my house. I am so tired of this . I have a 32 year old son who is great. He recently told me he won’t be around his sister. He said”If you want to let her suck the life out of you that is your business but I can’t watch it anymore.” He sees me when she is not around. Most of my family does not want to be around her-even at my Dad’s funeral she made a big disaster. The Crisis Resolve team we just had out told me in our state you cannot ask(or tell) a child to leave. She quits every job but continues to open charge cards. She hangs out with men that are bad news. I told her if she brings one in the house I will call the police. I feel that I just can’t take much more but there is no end in sight. I am 69 with afib-my doctor says just avoid stress. Yea right. I would just like to be able to go on vacation with my husband but we could not trust her in our house alone. Any thoughts or suggestions would be gratefully received- Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Happywannabe
Sitting on the other side of a desk listening to a doctor tell you to reduce stress - I can relate to that! If only they knew! If only they lived one day of our lives, I am sure they would be blown away by the chaos of our lives that we have to try to manage on a day to day basis.

All the things you say certainly tick the BPD box. Especially the you are the 'target of blame'. If you browse through the posts here you will see it is often the mother that has the emotional turmoil dumped on them. It is exhausting for sure.

One thing I noticed is that you and your husband are not on the same page in how to deal with/respond to what is happening.

When my DD was a teenager I took her to a paediatric psychiatrist. He spent time with her and a couple of things have stayed with me. One was that he said the normal behaviour management techniques are unlikely to be effective.

I had been trying these because everyone was telling me to do so. But they didn't understand (neither did I at that stage) the difference in the BPD brain, the fight/flight response and ways to help DD to de-escalate. My well intentioned way of interacting was in fact like pouring fuel on the intense emotional fire.

I wonder if you could look at some of the resources here with DH and work towards being on the same page as to how to interact with DD and respond to the sudden escalation? At the moment it seems DD can easily triangulate - you are the baddie DH is the goodie - and I think this is an important step.

Do you think this is possible?

PS Not be able to go away is something I understand - it's so hard!

[Happywannabe]

Good advice. I will read some of the articles. Hubby and I are just so different it makes it hard for us to handle things the same. I admit to getting over emotional and he can be seemingly under emotional. My daughter knows when I am angry even though I try not to say anything. I often say my head is going to explode(not really). Thank you for your suggestions