My sons BPD girlfriend is living in our house

[Ann Marie 86]

I keep putting off this post because I think things will turn around but they never do. Let me be clear, the girlfriend has not been diagnosed with anything other than an eating disorder and PTSD/anxiety/panic attacks. However, I am starting to suspect it is borderline personality disorder.

My son, who lives with us, has a girlfriend who was going to college and would occasionally stay at our home. Eventually, she was staying more days then not. Then had a suicide attempt (in our home) and then dropped out of college and moved in "until she was stable". She did not go home because at the time she told my son she was astrainged from her family because of past abuse and a homeless mother. It has now been about a year since this all began and she did not go back to college, moved her dorm room into our guest room and has convinced our son that my husband and I are terrible horrible people who treat her very poorly when he is not around. He has graduated from college and has a job that he goes to regularly. He pays for everything, drives her everywhere pays for her to have a dog yoga membership, etc.

She does not have a job, does not go to college and does not have a drivers license. We have asked many times for her to move out and my son states that the only way that is going to happen is if he gets an apartment and they move in together. Our biggest fear with this is that then she will have him completely isolated. She has convinced him that his high school friends are bad and his college friends are bad and he has cut off all contact with them. She is now convincing him that my husband and I are bad and he constantly has conversations with us about how we treat his girlfriend. We gently remind him that we are allowing her to live in our house rent free and that we rarely have any interaction with her because we are either at work or she is upstairs in my son's room. Over time, my son has stopped speaking to us unless necessary, he glares at us and when we do talk with him or offer him lunch/dinner, etc he is put off. Anytime there is a family event, the girlfriend has some sort of medical emergency or panic attack and he can't be a part of it. When my daughter comes home from college, the girlfriend will have some sort of dramatic event to shift focus from my daughter to her and it ends up monopolizing all of my son's time so he can't hang out with my daughter. My son does see a therapist. However, he has told us that his therapist tells him that he and his girlfriend have a wonderful relationship and that they are both "have such a mature relationship". So I'm not sure how much, or what he is telling the therapist. My son and his girlfriend have started to triangulate my daughter in to their drama telling her about how horrible we are, but my daughter was actually put off by all of it and did not want to be put in the middle of it all. She was very upset and is now seeing a counsellor about the situation.

I want to emphasize that we hardly ever interact with the girlfriend and there have been no controversial conversations, we have never asked her to do anything around the house or confronted her about anything. She is so emotionally fragile that we are afraid to set off one of her panic attacks or give her any ammunition to use against us with my son.

Finally, I also want to mention that our dog was strangely injured several times while we were away and my son and the girlfriend were home. We had to rush to the emergency vet late at night or on a weekend. One of those times my son asked us to thank the girlfriend for taking care of the dog til we got home and to apologize to the girlfriend for being exposed to the trauma of the sick dog. Once again, blaming us for doing something to hurt his girlfriend.

I sometimes feel like I'm crazy and these are all just strange conicidences. So then I reset my attitude and try to do nice things for the girlfriend (offer to bring her lunch or coffee, etc) and it is somehow twisted around to my son and I have done something rude to her again. So now I just stay in my bedroom when I am home to avoid any contact or any misunderstandings at all.

I guess after that long ramble, what we are trying to decide if we kick the girlfriend out at risk of never seeing our son again, or do we continue to allow this girlfriend to live in our house and hope our son eventually sees the person that she actually is? Right now all her drama/anger/emotions are directed at us. If they move out I'm assuming they will all then be directed at my son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Happywannabe]

Your home should be where you can relax and feel safe. This does not sound like your situation.If your son is over 21 I would suggest that the two of them would be happier in their own place. Tell him you love him but it would be for the best. Life is too short to have to stay in your bedroom to avoid people in your own home. Let him deal with his girlfriend. Until this happens treat yourself-maybe a Starbucks?

[Ann Marie 86]

Your home should be where you can relax and feel safe. This does not sound like your situation.If your son is over 21 I would suggest that the two of them would be happier in their own place. Tell him you love him but it would be for the best. Life is too short to have to stay in your bedroom to avoid people in your own home. Let him deal with his girlfriend. Until this happens treat yourself-maybe a Starbucks?

Yes. I think that is what we are leaning towards. And yes, I could definitely use a treat.

[Sancho]

Hi Ann Marie 86
Can I just ask how the day to day things happen ie
Do you cook meals for them
Do their washing
Do they pay anything
How much interaction is there on a daily/weekly basis

It's a very difficult situation and a very difficult decision to make because - as you can imagine - the drive to isolate your son could possibly/probably become much worse if they moved out.

Tough one!

[Sancho]

Ps Am very concerned about the dog situation

[Sancho]

Hi again
Just want to comment on what you said here:

 Right now all her drama/anger/emotions are directed at us. If they move out I'm assuming they will all then be directed at my son.

In my experience of BPD it continue to  directed at you - and more so, much more so. It will be another big reason to isolate your son and at the moment your ds seems to be totally enmeshed in his gf's narrative so I am not sure moving will be the catalyst that helps him see things clearly.

[js friend]

Hi Ann Marie 86,

What a horrible situation to be in.

I think that there will always be the risk of your son being isolated if he and his girlfriend move out but I also think that your son  may also have more clarity of the situation  with the  g/f if he is on his own with her. At the moment you and your dh are there and provide a safety net and  she wont feel that she should change her behaviour because she doesnt have to. It seems like she has worked on everybody. She has successfully come between you and your son and tried to triangulate your dd. What guest in your home does that,.... and what's next? I think her demands will only get worse because she knows that she can play your son against you. As sancho asks, does you ds g/f do anything around your home, or just sit in her room despiseing you all day......if so, wouldnt she feel better being out of your home and lounging about somewhere else? Seriously I would ask her that question.

Im also so sorry to hear about your dog and it does sound suspicious to me that he always ends up injured when you are not there. I read a post on here many years ago about a member who had a cat. I cant remember all the details but he had this cat before  before his r/s with g/f he suspected had bpd. He also suspected that she would mistreat his cat when he wasnt around. Turns out that when the r/s ended she later admitted to mistreating the cat because she felt jealous of the affection he showed towards it.

[Ann Marie 86]

Hi Ann Marie 86
Can I just ask how the day to day things happen ie
Do you cook meals for them
Do their washing
Do they pay anything
How much interaction is there on a daily/weekly basis

It's a very difficult situation and a very difficult decision to make because - as you can imagine - the drive to isolate your son could possibly/probably become much worse if they moved out.

Tough one!

So they do their own cooking, washing and paying for things. Occasionally I offer for them to eat dinner with us or we offer to take them out to dinner if we go out to dinner (and then we pay). However, the usually say no to both.

The girlfriend is upstairs in my son's room (even though all her things are in our downstairs guest room) and if he is not home, we rarely see her other than when she comes down to get something to eat or do laundry.

[Ann Marie 86]

Hi Ann Marie 86,

What a horrible situation to be in.

I think that there will always be the risk of your son being isolated if he and his girlfriend move out but I also think that your son  may also have more clarity of the situation  with the  g/f if he is on his own with her. At the moment you and your dh are there and provide a safety net and  she wont feel that she should change her behaviour because she doesnt have to. It seems like she has worked on everybody. She has successfully come between you and your son and tried to triangulate your dd. What guest in your home does that,.... and what's next? I think her demands will only get worse because she knows that she can play your son against you. As sancho asks, does you ds g/f do anything around your home, or just sit in her room despiseing you all day......if so, wouldnt she feel better being out of your home and lounging about somewhere else? Seriously I would ask her that question.

Im also so sorry to hear about your dog and it does sound suspicious to me that he always ends up injured when you are not there. I read a post on here many years ago about a member who had a cat. I cant remember all the details but he had this cat before  before his r/s with g/f he suspected had bpd. He also suspected that she would mistreat his cat when he wasnt around. Turns out that when the r/s ended she later admitted to mistreating the cat because she felt jealous of the affection he showed towards it.

So, yes. she pretty much stays in my sons room despising us. I like how you worded that. And yes, she probably would love to move out and have my son pay for that too. My gut instinct is that my son is the one holding out on moving into an apartment and we have not pressed it until this point. We had hoped he could save money, pay off college loans and his car while living at home.

The dog situation has been very alarming. She is constantly complaining that our dog is "dirty" and full of "caked on feces and urine". Which is not true. He is a small dog, has a lot of fur and is very pampered. He is an indoor dog and a lap dog. But he is definitely my dog, which I think motivates some of her anger towards the dog. They have also given him several baths and haircuts when we are not home, after we have repeatedly asked them to leave the dog alone. But, like you said...what guest does those things?!? We just don't leave the dog home alone anymore.

[Sancho]

Hi again
So pleased you have been able to do something re your dog - though I imagine it is not easy to have to make sure your pet is not home alone.

Thanks for the further information. Re your comment:

My gut instinct is that my son is the one holding out on moving into an apartment

Follow your gut instinct and if this is right I would hold out on trying to get them to move out too. The main reason - and this is just my opinion - is that you have more chance of sowing the seed of doubt in your son's mind while he is there than you would have once they move.

It IS possible your son will have a clearer view of what is happening if they are on there own, but so many people who have posted here in relation to their son and his partner, the experience seems to be that they have little or no contact. The emotional turmoil of BPD is huge and engulfs the partner so they become responsible for the BPD person's wellbeing - or even just their actual being!

You are the target probably because your son's girlfriend sees that you are close to him and have influence?

Sorry for all the questions but why do you think your son is holding out on the move? Is there any chance that deep down he does see that there are issues and he is reluctant to put himself in a situation where he is totally on his own carrying it all?

I understand that they are doing their own thing re meals etc, but I am wondering if he feels a little bit 'protected' while he is there with you both?

[CC43]

Hi there,

The situation seems very negative and taxing for you indeed. I might be old fashioned, but my view is that if your son isn’t married, his girlfriend shouldn’t be living in your home!  If you son is employed, he’s old enough to get his own place. Whether he lets his girlfriend live with him is entirely his choice. It seems to me that the girlfriend is taking advantage because neither of them is paying rent.

It’s too bad that you didn’t put your foot down at first but that doesn’t mean you can’t now. She was just going to stay temporarily, right?  I’d say, you go reclaim the guest room. You want to redecorate or repurpose it to an office or something. Holidays are coming and you want family to access the guest room. Give her a week to move out. She can stay somewhere else, go home, go to a hotel, go to a shelter or go back to school. She’s an adult and she can figure it out. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s not nearly as harsh as she’s treating you. If you don’t do this now, then when?  In a year?  If you wait that long you’re only prolonging your discomfort.

Just my two cents.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Reading this post again reminded me of the time my udd came home briefly and it made me miserable when I

[js friend]

As I was saying.......

 Give her a week to move out. She can stay somewhere else, go home, go to a hotel, go to a shelter or go back to school. She’s an adult and she can figure it out. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s not nearly as harsh as she’s treating you. If you don’t do this now, then when?  In a year?  If you wait that long you’re only prolonging your discomfort.

Hi again Ann-Marie

re-reading your post again reminded me of the time when my udd invited my udd back home after she gave birth to my first gc and how miserable I felt. Instead of it being a happy time I remember how miserable I felt. I  felt miserable away from my home (thinking what awaited me when I got home ) and  I was miserable at home  because udd made it a living H3LL. It wasnt a long stay as udd was moving in with b/f, but it seemed like it. After that I swore to myself that my udd would NEVER be allowed to come back home again. So I can imagine what you are going through.

[CC43]

Hi again,

Again I may be old-fashioned, but I think you would do your son a favor if you encouraged him to move out. My view is that spending money on rent is NOT throwing money away; it’s the typical way to start adulthood for real. He could get a modest place with some buddies, and he might have the time of his life!  It sounds like the girlfriend is a huge drag on him. Getting his own place could be liberating for him!  He shouldn’t be shacking up with her unless married (or at least engaged). Of course he could visit home sometimes, for meals or laundry. That seems like a much more normal and healthy situation. The girlfriend might throw a conniption fit, or threaten suicide. Maybe that would land her in a hospital, which might be the best place for her now. But that’s not your concern. You need to reclaim your house, and I think the sooner, the better, because it’s likely only to get worse in my opinion. If your gut tells you your son is lukewarm about the girl, then you might be doing him a favor, even if he doesn’t see it that way at first.

[CC43]

PS

If you don’t have the nerve to ask the girlfriend to leave, then you could make her life less comfortable. Change the Wi-Fi password and don’t give it to her or your son. You need more bandwidth for your own enjoyment!  I’d also cut off cable TV completely in the house, until she leaves. You might go without TV for a while, but that’s a small price to pay. You are economizing because you are currently supporting too many adults in your household who don’t contribute rent and don’t help you around the house. If she wants internet, she can go to a cafe or library, or move out. Take any adults off your cell phone plan. Adults should pay for their own phones.

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult situation and I agree- worrisome that your son is in this relationship. I think this also involves your boundaries and where you stand on the trajectory of your son's maturation.

Because of how long education is- young adult children are in a sort of in between stage where they are physically mature and want a romantic relationship but aren't ready to live independently. How parents navigate this can differ. I think the goal/boundary is this though- to choose to live together romantically is an adult decision and adult decisions come with adult responsibilities.

It was reasonable to have your single son living at home while he finished his education and began his career. He may have had romantic relationships but these were not long term live in situations.

Now things have changed. He is an adult, he can choose to live with a romantic partner but - (and this is my own opinion) adult decisions come with adult responsibilities.

Don't make this about the GF. This would involve Karmpan triangle dynamics and he will step in to defend her. Probably no adult man wants to live with a romantic partner at his parents' house indefinitely. The conversation should be just with him. Son, we love you and are proud of how you have finished college and now have a job. We see you are an adult now, and are making adult choices and think it's time you take the next step to having your own place. How can we work together on this?

Even if he didn't have a GF, you would at some point want an adult child to take this next step. I wouldn't make this an abrupt ultimatum but also not prolong it indefinitely but have a plan.

Do not agree to co-sign for a lease or utilities- as you would be liable for those bills. However, as can be common with a young person starting out with their own place- you can help with donating some furnishings you don't need or a one time deposit to help them start out if you can afford it and feel they need it- and be sure he knows he's the financially responsible one.

[Ann Marie 86]

Hi again
So pleased you have been able to do something re your dog - though I imagine it is not easy to have to make sure your pet is not home alone.

Thanks for the further information. Re your comment:

My gut instinct is that my son is the one holding out on moving into an apartment

Follow your gut instinct and if this is right I would hold out on trying to get them to move out too. The main reason - and this is just my opinion - is that you have more chance of sowing the seed of doubt in your son's mind while he is there than you would have once they move.

It IS possible your son will have a clearer view of what is happening if they are on there own, but so many people who have posted here in relation to their son and his partner, the experience seems to be that they have little or no contact. The emotional turmoil of BPD is huge and engulfs the partner so they become responsible for the BPD person's wellbeing - or even just their actual being!

You are the target probably because your son's girlfriend sees that you are close to him and have influence?

Sorry for all the questions but why do you think your son is holding out on the move? Is there any chance that deep down he does see that there are issues and he is reluctant to put himself in a situation where he is totally on his own carrying it all?

I understand that they are doing their own thing re meals etc, but I am wondering if he feels a little bit 'protected' while he is there with you both?

I think for him it is a little bit financial. She is very demanding and he literally pays for everything for her. She does not have a job. I think he is close to living paycheck to paycheck. Now, if he stops allowing her to spend so much he could afford to move out. So in a way, by allowing him to stay here we are enabling her.
I also think he is a little scared of being completely isolated. As I mentioned, he has cut off all contact with any friends he has had in the past. So, there might be an element of knowing that once he moves out with her she will ask him to also cut off contact with us.

[Ann Marie 86]

This is a difficult situation and I agree- worrisome that your son is in this relationship. I think this also involves your boundaries and where you stand on the trajectory of your son's maturation.

Because of how long education is- young adult children are in a sort of in between stage where they are physically mature and want a romantic relationship but aren't ready to live independently. How parents navigate this can differ. I think the goal/boundary is this though- to choose to live together romantically is an adult decision and adult decisions come with adult responsibilities.

It was reasonable to have your single son living at home while he finished his education and began his career. He may have had romantic relationships but these were not long term live in situations.

Now things have changed. He is an adult, he can choose to live with a romantic partner but - (and this is my own opinion) adult decisions come with adult responsibilities.

Don't make this about the GF. This would involve Karmpan triangle dynamics and he will step in to defend her. Probably no adult man wants to live with a romantic partner at his parents' house indefinitely. The conversation should be just with him. Son, we love you and are proud of how you have finished college and now have a job. We see you are an adult now, and are making adult choices and think it's time you take the next step to having your own place. How can we work together on this?

Even if he didn't have a GF, you would at some point want an adult child to take this next step. I wouldn't make this an abrupt ultimatum but also not prolong it indefinitely but have a plan.

Do not agree to co-sign for a lease or utilities- as you would be liable for those bills. However, as can be common with a young person starting out with their own place- you can help with donating some furnishings you don't need or a one time deposit to help them start out if you can afford it and feel they need it- and be sure he knows he's the financially responsible one.

I like how you presented this. I do think that is how we approach it. Since he is doing adult things, he should take on the responsibilities that go along with these decisions.
And no. We would definitely not co-sign a lease. We don't pay his bills, cell phone, car, gas, college loans, etc. We were originally going to help out to get him started, but once we got a handle on how much he spends of the gf we stopped. We didn't tell him it was because of this, but just that we felt it was time for him to start taking on these responsibilities.

[Notwendy]

That’s a good start. For now - don’t say anything critical about the GF. Karpman triangle dynamics are that you will be the persecutor and your son will be rescuer for his GF against you.

Come up with a plan so you aren’t emotionally reacting or appearing punitive to them. You can’t ask her to leave right away. She has nowhere to go. Your son will go with her.

While you decide how to proceed - take the focus off the GF. He chose her and will take any criticism personally. So for now - while you are thinking of what to do next - be as nice as you can manage to GF and let things cool down for now.