Hello toxic choices, my old friend.

[thewilltoleave]

I'm just reflecting on myself and not just the relationship with my soon to be ex husband with BPD but just my poor relationship choices in general. And not even just romantic relationships. I have a problem with investing too much into people who end up not actually investing in me at all.

I've talked about this a little on here, kind of danced around it, because talking about it  at all makes me feel really uncomfortable. But I did have what I thought was an important friendship that I happened to develop feelings for without meaning to (post separation but just feelings and obviously nothing happened), but then realized way, way too late that this person doesn't care at all. And at first I was a bit embarrassed that I was taking this that hard. But I think what actually really hurts me is just that I thought I had a bond with someone that meant a lot to me, and then in short order got to learn in a really miserable way that this person doesn't think about our friendship more than someone thinks about what they ate for breakfast last week. I really value genuine connections with people, and I'm very honest with how I feel, and I think I just made the mistake of believing that someone is as invested in building close relationships as I am. So it really took the wind out of my sails for a while, and made me really second guess myself, to the point where I almost felt delusional. Like, am I that bad at friendship? Am I really that forgettable and not of value that you don't think about me at all? I'm working on rebuilding from that, and I know logically I have friends who genuinely like me a a person and don't make me feel worthless.

So, lesson learned. This happened a while ago but I still have to deal with the situation every now and then, and it still brings up a lot of anger and hurt, and I think at least having an understanding of why these feelings come up for me helps. I'm trying to remind myself, and sometimes successfully (mostly not) that it isn't wrong to really care about people and want meaningful connection to matter. But not everyone wants that, it is what it is. I just need to be better about identifying when someone really cares me and when they just don't. I need to pay attention to the actions more, and I think when I get that anxious pit in my stomach that's probably a sign that something isn't right. I think that's just some leftover trauma from the past relationship, trying to "fix it" when it doesn't feel right even if there isn't anything to be fixed, trying to chase someone instead of reading the room and seeing myself out. Looking for answers and closure when someone clearly isn't going to give it to you. I do think I deserve more than that...logically.

So, I have kept my distance, not just from that person but I've been cautious about new friendships in general. Obviously like I have stated multiple times before, I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with anyone while I'm trying to sort out my brain and clearly not while I'm not fully divorced.  And I do think in the future I'll be a lot more careful and mindful about who gets the best parts of me in my friendships, because I don't want just anyone to get to know the real me right now, the vulnerable stuff. Not everyone deserves that information, and as much as I'd love to just be open and vulnerable, the reality is not everyone is kind or considerate or careful, and I'm not really in a place right now that I can handle someone messy coming along rattling my confidence while it's already shaky.

This is mostly a vent session, but if anyone did read, thanks. I'll be okay. I think I really just needed to get it out in a place that feels safe to me.

One day I'll be a securely attached girl...but not this day.

[try2heal]

You're not alone in this.
My pwBPD was my first real relationship after divorce--3 years of roller coasters, a million overnight breakups followed by "How are you, sweetheart" and "I couldn't understand why you didn't call me" with claims that he didn't remember. (undiagnosed)

I'm trying to get out there again, and I've found myself behaving (on the apps) the absolute opposite of how I met him. Instead of trying to get to know someone before I meet them, I am quick to make an in-person, casual date. I'm sharing what I do, but not who I am or what I'm looking for. That gives me enough information to know whether we can carry on a conversation but also means that he can't create a persona that is what I said I wanted. It's a weird juxtaposition for me, but I'm liking it.

Anyway, a tangent but I'm following your lead of figuring out what I need to say out loud (figuratively) and leaving it here. Thank you 

[thewilltoleave]

You're not alone in this.
My pwBPD was my first real relationship after divorce--3 years of roller coasters, a million overnight breakups followed by "How are you, sweetheart" and "I couldn't understand why you didn't call me" with claims that he didn't remember. (undiagnosed)

I'm trying to get out there again, and I've found myself behaving (on the apps) the absolute opposite of how I met him. Instead of trying to get to know someone before I meet them, I am quick to make an in-person, casual date. I'm sharing what I do, but not who I am or what I'm looking for. That gives me enough information to know whether we can carry on a conversation but also means that he can't create a persona that is what I said I wanted. It's a weird juxtaposition for me, but I'm liking it.

Anyway, a tangent but I'm following your lead of figuring out what I need to say out loud (figuratively) and leaving it here. Thank you 

Thank you so much, and I think if and when the time ever comes I think the approach you're taking would probably be good for me. I get excited when I meet new people and sometimes share every thought in my head. I think being reserved at first and getting a feel for the person so I can be more objective is really good advice.

I feel like I'm starting to enter a stage in this process where I'm learning to accept the possibility of being alone, and possibly for a long time. And this is the first time I've sat with that and didn't feel completely terrified. I talked with my therapist about a week ago about my upbringing and how there really hasn't been a time in my life even as a child where I wasn't feeling responsible for the well being of someone, whether that was a child like my young brother, a parent or parent figure talking to me about very adult concerns and asking me to be their therapist or ask me how they should fix it, or just taking care of a grown adult with severe trauma who refuses to help themself. For the first time I can be free. And I think my initial reaction here kind of reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where the older folks at the nursing home are like "we're free we can do whatever we want!" and then they're like "I'm cold let's go back inside". And I think the other part I'm starting to pay more attention to is this idea that has been instilled in me that doing anything to take care of yourself that isn't for the "family" is selfish. And I guess it's good that it at least prevented me from becoming a self-absorbed jerk. But I've lived my life so terrified of being "selfish" or a "princess" that I just learned to completely neglect doing nice things for myself, I work myself to death, and I feel guilty every time I buy myself something or spend time on something that isn't work related or for others. I can't handle compliments and until very recently couldn't even begin to understand how to sincerely be kind to myself or think positively about myself. But I finally see that the problem with that line of thinking is you end up making yourself an exhausted, anxious, desperate shell of a person who really needs someone else to say all the things you wish you could tell yourself. You need someone to "spoil" you and take you on nice dinners or buy you nice things because they "love" you in ways you aren't allowed to love yourself. And you're so desperate that you overlook the reddest most crimson flags that ever existed because you are so starved for the things they're offering you can't even help yourself. Then the two of you are stuck. You're stuck because of your inability to love yourself enough to set normal boundaries and because guilt works on you like kryponite. And them because of any number of reasons, because life is complex and traumatic and we're all trying to figure this out and sometimes hurting each other in the process. I don't think my husband is the bad guy. Now that I'm learning to feel better about myself I don't think I'm the bad guy. And I now see that the healthier I can get myself, the less room he has to stay stuck unless he chooses not to be. And that's up to him, not me. For once I can be free, and I can maybe do all the things that I was told were "selfish" or made me a "princess". But in reality it allows me to be a full person that cares enough about me that someone else doesn't have to fill in that gap. I can tell myself I'm good enough. I can get myself the nice dinner that I actually want. I can get the nice clothes without feeling like a criminal. I can make the plans with my friends and family because I actually have energy to care about them. I can actually go to sleep at a normal time because I'm not so anxious that I can't stop my brain. I can take the time without guilt on exercising and taking fun classes that let me meet people and not feel like I'm taking time away from someone else. I can actually live a real life. And for once I'm not scared of that idea. For once I think maybe I like this guy here writing this. She's alright.

[try2heal]

I was also labeled a "princess" or "selfish" by him! Because I didn't want to be yelled at? Example: I needed to work through a debate in my own head about one of my children, and started laying it out for him. He told me what he thought and I started to challenge it (like I did with my own positions), which led to him telling me how awful and selfish and self-serving I was to argue when I asked for his opinion! 
Another time he knew I was going to be off-line for a couple of hours at a graduation event for my students. One hour in, the texts began. I tried to answer but couldn't to most. I called him on my drive home and, when asked, acknowledged I was frustrated that I couldn't be present for my students while responding to him. He went off--how dare I put my "privileged" above him since he has trauma....

It's just their way of making us compliant. You're not a princess to want peace or pleasure!