Therapists

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

In your experience, which qualities have made a really helpful therapist during this season of life?

My first therapist spent most of their time talking about her, and when we touched on me, I felt misunderstood.

I felt as though it was obvious to him that I shouldn’t be in the relationship, and that I was meant to agree with him nearly straight away.

I also felt like he was sort of siding with her (trying to show me how her trauma responses were actually quite reasonable etc, rather than listening to my experience of them).

In the end, I felt he was a bit tired and mystified by me.

In contrast -

My now therapist is amazing - she’s really helped me to unpack and develop coherence within the experience, it feels like she totally gets me, she’s very casual and approachable (but teaches in this stuff, and so is an expert).


I ask, because I just had to speak to a therapist through a work context (it’s a long story - but connects to my own choice of work at the moment).

To contextualise what I was saying, I had to reference the girl I’d been seeing because it ties into my wider journey over the last year.

I didn’t tell him much, but again felt the same sense of “I don’t think he gets this…”

He asked me things like “Were you confused by what she needed?” Or “Were you not understanding her feelings at that time?”

I felt like saying “Dude - YOU try it, and see if YOU find it easy!”


We also got into CBT and his view that it was shallow - despite the fact that it’s the one therapeutic model my ex wouldn’t try; and it’s the one my BPD friend had said had TOTALLY cleared the air for her.

I came away feeling frustrated and a bit upset - but I guess I’m tired, and he doesn’t know the full story… so…

[SnailShell]

In your experience, which qualities have made a really helpful therapist during this season of life?

My first therapist spent most of their time talking about her, and when we touched on me, I felt misunderstood.

I felt as though it was obvious to him that I shouldn’t be in the relationship, and that I was meant to agree with him nearly straight away.

I also felt like he was sort of siding with her (trying to show me how her trauma responses were actually quite reasonable etc, rather than listening to my experience of them).

In the end, I felt he was a bit tired and mystified by me.

In contrast -

My now therapist is amazing - she’s really helped me to unpack and develop coherence within the experience, it feels like she totally gets me, she’s very casual and approachable (but teaches in this stuff, and so is an expert).


I ask, because I just had to speak to a therapist through a work context (it’s a long story - but connects to my own choice of work at the moment).

To contextualise what I was saying, I had to reference the girl I’d been seeing because it ties into my wider journey over the last year.

I didn’t tell him much, but again felt the same sense of “I don’t think he gets this…”

He asked me things like “Were you confused by what she needed?” Or “Were you not understanding her feelings at that time?”

I felt like saying “Dude - YOU try it, and see if YOU find it easy!”


We also got into CBT and his view that it was shallow - despite the fact that it’s the one therapeutic model my ex wouldn’t try; and it’s the one my BPD friend had said had TOTALLY cleared the air for her.

I came away feeling frustrated and a bit upset - but I guess I’m tired, and he doesn’t know the full story… so…

[SnailShell]

Oh, and the very first therapist I saw said something which triggered frustration in me (he seemed to be saying that I wasn’t doing all that I could to make her feel comfortable); and when I became a bit frustrated, he said

“Right! THIS HERE is where you need to work on yourself - at the point where you feel frustration”

As though my frustration was my problem to work through, and not the fact that he was being a pain in the ass.

I don’t like it when therapists make their ability to be an annoying human like everyone else, into the client’s problem somehow.

[EyesUp]

I've had therapists who like to listen, who seem mostly passive.  The sense of disinterest or lack of engagement can be off-putting...

I tend to prefer the ones who might interject and ask a probing or even challenging question, who provoke fresh thinking and new ideas - for me, this is where new understanding emerges.

With my last therapist, I often asked if she had any homework assignments for me - something for me to focus on or consider between sessions?  She readily accepted this invitation and gave me a lot to read and think about - which helped focus our sessions, too.

Perhaps I was inviting her to share her expertise in a way that helped her put it to use.

At a minimum, have a sympathetic ear was helpful to me.  If you're not feeling supported, you might consider making a direct request to your therapist:  Let them know that you don't expect them to unconditionally agree with everything you say - but that a certain degree of support (vs constant challenge) is very much appreciated.

Much like BPD relationships, we also need to be our own advocate in a clinical setting.  Everyone does, it seems.

[SnailShell]

I've had therapists who like to listen, who seem mostly passive.  The sense of disinterest or lack of engagement can be off-putting...

I tend to prefer the ones who might interject and ask a probing or even challenging question, who provoke fresh thinking and new ideas - for me, this is where new understanding emerges.

With my last therapist, I often asked if she had any homework assignments for me - something for me to focus on or consider between sessions?  She readily accepted this invitation and gave me a lot to read and think about - which helped focus our sessions, too.

Perhaps I was inviting her to share her expertise in a way that helped her put it to use.

At a minimum, have a sympathetic ear was helpful to me.  If you're not feeling supported, you might consider making a direct request to your therapist:  Let them know that you don't expect them to unconditionally agree with everything you say - but that a certain degree of support (vs constant challenge) is very much appreciated.

Much like BPD relationships, we also need to be our own advocate in a clinical setting.  Everyone does, it seems.

Yeah, that’s helpful - I think I was feeling a bit triggered earlier!

You’re right about people needing to be their own advocate.

But it’s an environment where you’re vulnerable too, and I think the ‘system’ (what there is of it) is sure open to going wrong… probably more so than interactions which happen in public etc.

[HoratioX]

I've never seen a therapist personally, so perhaps I should not comment.

On the other hand, I have seen how some therapists interact with others, including my ex with BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, etc. from afar. She saw at least three different therapists in the time I was with her, and each gave a different diagnoses.

So, from a sorta neutral third-party observer position, it suggested three things:

1) Any diagnosis from a therapist should be taken with a grain of salt, not just because such relies on their personal expertise but because a lot of people who become therapists have serious problems of their own -- maybe they're not quite as objective and clinical as they suggest.

2) A good therapist is like a good tailor, which is to say that anyone can learn to sew, but not everyone can learn to do it well or to do it well for you.

3) Therapy requires a serious commitment of will and time in order to work, and anyone looking for a quick fix, as we Americans tend to see things, is bound to be terribly disappointed, not to mention unhealed.

All that said I pretty much advocate anyone dealing with mental illness or trying to figure out how to deal with anyone with mental illness seek professional advice. That's not because I necessarily think they're right because I don't know that that's true. But at least you might be getting advice from someone with a knowledge base. Once in a while, that someone may actually know what they are talking about.

[SnailShell]

I've never seen a therapist personally, so perhaps I should not comment.

On the other hand, I have seen how some therapists interact with others, including my ex with BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, etc. from afar. She saw at least three different therapists in the time I was with her, and each gave a different diagnoses.

So, from a sorta neutral third-party observer position, it suggested three things:

1) Any diagnosis from a therapist should be taken with a grain of salt, not just because such relies on their personal expertise but because a lot of people who become therapists have serious problems of their own -- maybe they're not quite as objective and clinical as they suggest.

2) A good therapist is like a good tailor, which is to say that anyone can learn to sew, but not everyone can learn to do it well or to do it well for you.

3) Therapy requires a serious commitment of will and time in order to work, and anyone looking for a quick fix, as we Americans tend to see things, is bound to be terribly disappointed, not to mention unhealed.

All that said I pretty much advocate anyone dealing with mental illness or trying to figure out how to deal with anyone with mental illness seek professional advice. That's not because I necessarily think they're right because I don't know that that's true. But at least you might be getting advice from someone with a knowledge base. Once in a while, that someone may actually know what they are talking about.

Yeah, I think I was maybe a bit triggered yesterday.

I’m actually training to be one at the moment - I’m just figuring out if it’s the right road for me as I do so.

So I’ve had to see a few therapists as part of the course.

The one I’m currently chatting to about my ex is amazing - I sought her out specifically and it’s been unbelievably helpful.

Yesterday was an interview for a placement, and we touched on my recent experience as part of the process.

He asked a couple of questions which I felt kinda implied something about my engagement with the relationship, and I came away feeling like he didn’t really understand what these situations can be like; and that he shouldn’t have really asked that much about it in an interview anyway.

My last therapist also didn’t seem to understand about BPD relationships even after we spent 20 hours talking about it…

I guess unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to really understand.

Like not all doctors would REALLY understand what chemotherapy is like, and not ALL tradesmen would really understand the finer details of plumbing; like some police are power hungry and some teachers are unhelpful.

I guess therapy is an interesting one, because anyone (within reason) can train and call themselves a therapist… but… it’s such a delicate role, you have to be real careful… the stakes can be high, and there’s a lot of ways to just kinda ‘plough in’ and get it wrong,

It’s a big responsibility…!

[EyesUp]

I'm reminded of Alec Baldwin re: actors...  "People don't realize actors are like plumbers. When you invite a plumber to your house and say, “I want you to put this sink in my bathroom,” the plumber doesn't say, 'I'm not going to install that sink, it's hideous. You have the worst taste in sinks!' No, he just says, 'OK,' and he puts it in."   

This was how Baldwin explained accepting a few roles that are, shall we say, not the ones he's best known for.

It turns out:  Therapists can also be a lot like actors.  Many will work with just about anyone who's willing and able to pay, or in network, or who's looking for a time slot that fits their schedule...

Many say something along the lines of "Specializing in Adult, Adolescent, DBT/CBT, and Couples Therapy" - news:  That's not specializing.

You really need to be your own advocate when interviewing and selecting a prospective therapist.  Ask directly:

What is your experience with B Cluster disorders?
How long have you practiced in this area?
Why am I asking?  Because I'm seeking support recovering from a relationship with an individual who may have some of those attributes - I'm not qualified to diagnose, obviously, but it would probably be helpful to see a therapist who really understands this dynamic.
So, what's your preferred approach?  Any particular modality?
Have long have you been practicing in this area?  Any formal training?
What percentage of your clients involve this sort of dynamic?
Understanding that every situation is different, have you had any outcomes you feel particularly good about?  What worked (they will likely say that the patient was receptive and wanted to change)?
Can you tell me about a case where progress wasn't possible?
If this isn't for you, do you know another therapist who focuses on this type of situation?

Another thing to keep in mind in all this:  You're posting in the detaching board.  If you clearly articulate to the therapist that you have a goal:  to detach - the focus should really be on you, and what you need to do to process your experience in order to move on.  I would think that a willing patient is an attractive patient because there's a better chance for a good outcome...

Ultimately, think of the therapist like the plumber:  You're paying them for a service.  You're about to invest time and money in the process, and you hope to be satisfied with the results!  It's perfectly ok to "interview" them a bit to see if you feel like there's a fit and a chance of success.  Especially before you open up about some of your challenges. 

Because many therapists do, in fact, take on just about anyone who lines up with their availability... unfortunately.

Hang in there, and good luck.

[once removed]

I didn’t tell him much, but again felt the same sense of “I don’t think he gets this…”

He asked me things like “Were you confused by what she needed?” Or “Were you not understanding her feelings at that time?”

I felt like saying “Dude - YOU try it, and see if YOU find it easy!”

he didn’t really understand what these situations can be like

you felt invalidated and slighted.

the ability to empathize with, and validate a patient is an important quality - paramount, i would think, especially as youre establishing the relationship and building trust. validation can come in lots of shapes and sizes. while in general, therapy = good, there are a lot of therapists who you can pay a lot of money to do nothing but let you talk and validate you. a lot of the time, thats enough.

if you are in therapy to seriously invest in the process, then therapy is going to - and necessarily should - challenge you and make you uncomfortable, in order for you to not only talk about and process your experience, but to learn and grow from it.

I think I was feeling a bit triggered earlier!

it sounds like what they were saying not only made you feel as if they didnt understand the extent of your experience, but that they minimized it, or implied that you were inadequate.

if you bristle at or are otherwise triggered by something a therapist says/suggests to you, pay attention to that - dont dismiss it outright. in fact, find the kind of therapist where you have the kind of relationship where you can tell them! theyll help you unpack it; thats what therapy is about.

[seekingtheway]

I'd agree with Once Removed here... that these moments of tension and frustration can be showing us important things, but I think you can only unpack and explore that in a room with a therapist you feel comfortable and connected to.

I think the main aim for almost all therapists should be to create a secure/trusting relationship with their patients, so this is what I look for in a good therapist – whether they have the skills to attune to me and make me feel comfortable and safe, no matter what I'm talking about. Is this potentially what you were missing from them? Or did you feel attuned to them generally but it was specifically those comments that set you on edge?

My psychologist has put a lot of effort into showing me she's trying to attune to my needs. She constantly checks in with me to see how things have landed, asks how I'm feeling after certain conversations, tells me I am the one who can control pace, I can control where the conversation goes and what I want to focus on, she also does a really good job of validating but in a way that feels genuine and supportive. I can tell she means what she says. But I've also asked her to challenge me and go deep with me to uncover my problematic patterns... which she does, but she does it very gently and always frames those comments as questions for me to consider rather than bluntly telling me I'm a certain way... and she might only make 2-3 of those sorts of comments in a session in contrast with 50 validating comments.

In the past, I've had a couple of bristly moments with therapists suggesting things that didn't sit well with me, and I took them away and didn't feel great... the difference was that I didn't feel as secure in those relationships. I think it's important to have the type of relationships where you can tell them when something doesn't sit right.

For instance, I went into one therapy session (years ago) and told my therapist that I had two important things I really wanted to talk about that day. We got stuck into the first one, but I couldn't see the clock, which was behind me, and we ran out of time for the second thing. She ended the session by saying, Hmmmmm I think you're actually avoiding talking about (the second thing I wanted to talk about), and I wonder why?? And I didn't have the guts to say 'Actually, I really wanted to talk about it and am frustrated we didn't get to it, and you're the one who can see the clock so that was on you to manage the timings... but I didn't feel comfortable or secure with her, so I didn't say it... and left feeling frustrated... but after I unpacked how I felt, I realised that I didn't feel connected or secure with her, and I left her care immediately and found someone else based on that.

[SnailShell]

^ This last point you made 'Seeking' - hit the nail on the head.

The way some therapists will read avoidance into something, rather than simply adopting the common sense view that you just ran out of time.

Or the way some therapists will annoy you and then blame you for being annoyed - and suggest that "This is where the work begins!" rather than simply recognising that they were actually kind of a pain in the ass.

I don't deny that - when we're triggered - it reveals something about us, and we can work on that; but there is kind of a difference between being triggered in the normal flow of a conversation, and someone actually just being annoying.

Therapists ought to recognise this, or else it can feel kind of like gaslighting: "I'm being annoying, but YOU have to work on it."

And all of this is coming from a trainee therapist(!)

What annoyed me on the day I posted this, was that I was in a placement interview rather than a therapy session; and it felt as though he was inappropriately crossing over into kinda... 'digging around in my private life', without REALLY knowing the situation that we were discussing.

If I do ever work as a therapist, I hope I'm a really down-to-Earth one, who can distinguish between things to analyse, and things to simply accept as 'normal people being normal people'.

Anyway - this was a bit of a ramble, but it's just my immediate response to the post!

[seekingtheway]

I totally hear what you're saying, and can see why those moments would trigger some frustration within you. Though, I feel we can unpack these small moments of tension to reveal important things about ourselves, which can be very useful.

In the example I gave, what I realised from unpacking it is that she wasn't attuned to me, rather than her not saying or doing the right thing, or annoying me. And it was this lack of attunement that was the issue. Because me not getting around to talking about something I said I wanted to talk about potentially 'could' have been avoidance, and she was only asking me... I could have simply disagreed with her, but I didn't, and that's because I didn't feel comfortable with her. And if she had been attuned to me, she would have known that if I ever come into a session with a list of things I want to talk about, it's because I have a fair amount of anxiety about those things, and I do really want to talk about them in order to ease some of the anxiety.

My current psych has figured that out about me, and we have established a system where I email her the things that I'm stuck on or feeling anxious about... and she shows me that she understands this, and she manages the session in terms of timings so I can relax and just talk. But I also know that if she says something that is off the mark, I can say what I think, and she takes it on board and often then shifts her position. All of this is mainly down to her ability to attune to me and the effort she has put in to create trust between us.

So it wasn't the fact my old therapist said something that was off-mark that troubled me, it was the knowledge that there was a lack of attunement between us, and that doesn't work for me in a therapist relationship. But it also shows me that if I'm not comfortable with someone, I won't always outwardly disagree with them or set them straight if they say something I don't feel is right. I might stay silent and take it away and ruminate over it. These are signs of my own anxious attachment and something I can take on.

So if you catch my drift, we can go deeper with these moments and understand things about ourselves that can be quite interesting. In your case, there might be some things there that you could explore that go beyond the frustration of someone being annoying. But also, it sounds like some of them are simply not well versed in Cluster B relationships, which is going to have limitations in terms of what they can offer you, no matter how attuned they are to you.

[SnailShell]

I totally hear what you're saying, and can see why those moments would trigger some frustration within you. Though, I feel we can unpack these small moments of tension to reveal important things about ourselves, which can be very useful.

In the example I gave, what I realised from unpacking it is that she wasn't attuned to me, rather than her not saying or doing the right thing, or annoying me. And it was this lack of attunement that was the issue. Because me not getting around to talking about something I said I wanted to talk about potentially 'could' have been avoidance, and she was only asking me... I could have simply disagreed with her, but I didn't, and that's because I didn't feel comfortable with her. And if she had been attuned to me, she would have known that if I ever come into a session with a list of things I want to talk about, it's because I have a fair amount of anxiety about those things, and I do really want to talk about them in order to ease some of the anxiety.

My current psych has figured that out about me, and we have established a system where I email her the things that I'm stuck on or feeling anxious about... and she shows me that she understands this, and she manages the session in terms of timings so I can relax and just talk. But I also know that if she says something that is off the mark, I can say what I think, and she takes it on board and often then shifts her position. All of this is mainly down to her ability to attune to me and the effort she has put in to create trust between us.

So it wasn't the fact my old therapist said something that was off-mark that troubled me, it was the knowledge that there was a lack of attunement between us, and that doesn't work for me in a therapist relationship. But it also shows me that if I'm not comfortable with someone, I won't always outwardly disagree with them or set them straight if they say something I don't feel is right. I might stay silent and take it away and ruminate over it. These are signs of my own anxious attachment and something I can take on.

So if you catch my drift, we can go deeper with these moments and understand things about ourselves that can be quite interesting. In your case, there might be some things there that you could explore that go beyond the frustration of someone being annoying. But also, it sounds like some of them are simply not well versed in Cluster B relationships, which is going to have limitations in terms of what they can offer you, no matter how attuned they are to you.

Yeah, fair enough

There's a lot in what you say, and I'm sure I can reflect on it and learn a few things!

I'm really glad that your perspective is working for you too - because it sounds like it is.

That said - we may also both thinking about our own experiences in our own contexts, and perhaps what we're saying is rooted in specific situations the other wouldn't have a full frame of reference for.

For example - with the therapist I spoke to during my relationship, I was in my ex's city, with absolutely no one that I knew.

I was with this girl who was piling literally everything onto me (and I hadn't known her for very long); she was telling me that HER therapist was saying things about me (whether the therapist actually was or not, is another question)... so I felt very much cornered.

My own therapist would then say things like "Well - she's probably anxious because she feels that you haven't committed fully, and if you do, she may well calm down."

Rather than saying "Wait - you've been on a few dates, and she's already told you graphic details about her CSA and told you she could manipulate you, and done 'x, y, z and more'... now... hang on... let's really tune into our own needs and our own capacity here. Is this healthy for you? How do you set boundaries, or work on some things to improve your own stake in this situation?"

It felt that I had no one at all in my corner at those points, which really exacerbated the sense of guilt and shame I was already feeling in the situation (because of course - I never felt that I was doing enough for her).

Then - in the interview I had (which wasn't a therapeutic relationship, but a professional one) - the guy felt it appropriate to dig into things without knowing me at all, and without knowing the situation... it felt irresponsible.


Sorry - I hope I don't sound like I'm sorta... pushing back super forcefully or anything; I'm actually more just venting a little, and sharing my sense of frustration.


Sometimes I feel a little like... you give a policeman a police badge, and some will become overconfident. You give a soldier a gun, and some will become over confident.

You give a therapist a certificate? Well...

By the way - I'm not knocking therapy here, or therapists either; I suppose I'm just encouraging a perspective which also doesn't put them on a pedestal, and that recognises that they can actually just be annoying, without any needing to go much deeper.


I think that's been a really important part of my process too - since I felt so disempowered in my relationship.

To be able to say "Look, I don't know everything; but I DO know my own thoughts and feelings a lot of the time, and I'll be sure to hold my ground and honour them - even if I sometimes get it wrong"

... I think if I'd done that more with my BPD ex, it wouldn't have got so bad.

So - I'm trying to learn to put my own sense of things at the front and centre a bit more... even if it means calling a therapist a pain in the ass in my head :P


[By the way - the current therapist I'm seeing is absolutely amazing, and our sessions have been really helpful and healing. So - that's the other side of my experience!]

[once removed]

the sense of guilt and shame I was already feeling in the situation (because of course - I never felt that I was doing enough for her).

venting a little, and sharing my sense of frustration.

I felt so disempowered in my relationship.

So - I'm trying to learn to put my own sense of things at the front and centre a bit more...

does it feel like youve heard a lot of "its you, not her", and now, you want to hear some "actually, its her, not you"?

[seekingtheway]

I'm definitely hearing your frustration... how you feel about those instances you mention is totally valid, and I think many of us would feel the same in your situation. It's so important to feel like your therapist (and other people who are close to us) are fully in our corner.

I think my long-winded example was an attempt to show that lack of attunement to someone's needs can cause real upset, a lack of trust and fractures in the relationship, and it sounds like this happened in your romantic relationship and has also just happened in much smaller, but still significant instances in therapy. Situations where you don't feel seen, where you're being told what you think or what you are, but it doesn't marry up with how you see the situation or yourself.

I think the interesting part can come when we look closely at how we choose to respond to these situations... and can help us to respond in ways that help us feel more empowered.

With the benefit of hindsight now in play, would you choose to react differently to any of those instances you mentioned? I.e. would you consider letting either of those therapists know that what they were saying/doing didn't sit that well with you?

[SnailShell]

does it feel like youve heard a lot of "its you, not her", and now, you want to hear some "actually, its her, not you"?

Yeeaah well, in truth - my perspective has changed again in recent days (and has been changed in this respect for a few months now).

I do now realise that she was very unwell, very confused/confusing, and very hurt. I also realise that a number of her behaviours were abusive, and that it wasn't that I 'deserved it' in any way.

I also realise that I can take responsibility for ignoring my own perception, my own discernment, and for not holding my boundaries.

At the same time, I balance that with the knowledge that I'd never been in that situation before, I knew nothing about the condition, and I'd just been told about some horrific trauma which I wasn't braced to hear.

So - I see why it was such a difficult situation for me, and there's a kind of logic to all of that which makes it feel quite clear to me.

But certainly I could've used that last year when we were together.

And actually - I had a couple of close friends and a couple of close family members repeatedly tell me that I was being treated very badly; I just... I knew it intellectually on some level, but I couldn't *see* it.

It took me about four months after the relationship to be more open to the fact that it had been abusive, and it took another couple of months (after her new bf threatened me) to REALLY realise that:

"Ohhh boy... I was in deep, there!"

So... yeah... I guess it might've been helpful to have a bit more affirmation at the time, for sure.

[SnailShell]

I'm definitely hearing your frustration... how you feel about those instances you mention is totally valid, and I think many of us would feel the same in your situation. It's so important to feel like your therapist (and other people who are close to us) are fully in our corner.

I think my long-winded example was an attempt to show that lack of attunement to someone's needs can cause real upset, a lack of trust and fractures in the relationship, and it sounds like this happened in your romantic relationship and has also just happened in much smaller, but still significant instances in therapy. Situations where you don't feel seen, where you're being told what you think or what you are, but it doesn't marry up with how you see the situation or yourself.

I think the interesting part can come when we look closely at how we choose to respond to these situations... and can help us to respond in ways that help us feel more empowered.

With the benefit of hindsight now in play, would you choose to react differently to any of those instances you mentioned? I.e. would you consider letting either of those therapists know that what they were saying/doing didn't sit that well with you?

Yeah, they're helpful things to reflect on!

Well... it's hard for me to answer about the first therapist -

I was thinking about it a moment ago, but the truth is... if I could go back and tell him the ways in which I felt uncomfortable; I'd probably have also been able to tell my ex the same thing - and then there wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have been in the relationship, or speaking with that therapist about those things(!)

So - it's tricky for me to imagine a scenario in which I could go back and tell him that, while keeping all of the other variables the same.

If it was now, I think I'd say - but also, I don't think I'd get into that situation again (I mean, I know I COULD, but I'm wiser now).

The thing is - I didn't know WHAT to make of the situation at the time... so... this therapist, who was in a position of trust, held a lot of sway in shaping my perception of the event that I was in.

I remember when she drove me off in her car at 11.30pm, pulled into a random empty gas station, and yelled at me - trying to make me apologise for things that I just simply hadn't done.

And I remember telling my therapist how hurt - and sort of scared - I'd felt. And him therapist saying "Oh! Well - come on - we've all lost our temper before; she was probably having a flashback and y'know - it's not a big thing."

It shaped my view of the situation, because if 'the expert' says it's not a big deal, it's... well... maybe it isn't a big deal.

(Luckily I kept my head, and still maintained that it *was* a problem; but it put a lot of doubt in my mind, and hindered my acceptance of the problems in our relationship.)


You're right though (if I'm understanding your drift) - the empowering thing is to remember that I'm able to be responsible for sharing my feelings with the therapist, and that I perhaps ought to have done.

I felt very small and kind of scared at that time, though...

The most recent situation - I nearly did email to say that I'd found it difficult; but I'm also a bit nervous about burning my bridges at that centre, or else stirring up a situation when it doesn't need to happen.

But maybe I ought to!

I am becoming more assertive now, that's for sure... but yeah... it's an interesting one.

Thanks for the helpful question - it gives me something to ponder!

[SnailShell]

(So of course, when the therapist later suggested that I wasn't committed enough; and my body language shifted, and he said "I see that triggered something - *this* is where the work begins for you!"

It felt a lot more like: "I'm on the wrong end of a deeply unhealthy relationship where I'm doing a heck of a lot of giving, and she's doing a heck of a lot of taking; and the professional I'm trusting to help me out is telling me that I'm not committing enough... and then when that bugs me; is telling me that it's *my* trigger and that *I* have to work on it).

Sorry by the way - I'm not meaning to dump any of this on you - it's not for you to take any of this on, of course.

I'm just typing and venting here, in response to the thoughts that your question sparked!

I'm actually feeling pretty chill and relaxed this evening - I'm just reflecting a little, and allowing myself to type fairly freely.)

[seekingtheway]

Please, no need to apolgoise for expressing your thoughts - I'm following your train of thought and I'm sorry if I lost you a little bit.

You're right though (if I'm understanding your drift) - the empowering thing is to remember that I'm able to be responsible for sharing my feelings with the therapist, and that I perhaps ought to have done.

I think give yourself a break here because it sounds like you've handled a series of very difficult situations to the best of your ability and it sounds like you've handled things with a great deal of good grace and compassion... I think perhaps reframing the phrase above very slightly to 'the empowering thing is to remember that I'm able to share my feelings with the therapist, and that is an option I can take if I choose to'. Because I'm not sure there is any 'ought to' or 'correct' way to deal with things like this...

This healing process is in large part about getting in touch with how you feel, what you want and need, what you think is right, and ideally we would feel empowered and safe enough to express those needs and feelings with others... a therapist should be aiming to create a safe space for you to do this, and if they don't... then they most likely aren't the right fit (and could potentially point to issues with their experience and skills). I'm sorry you've had these experiences that rocked your confidence. But it's good you have found someone you vibe with now.

In hindsight I don't think I would have said anything further to my therapist, because it just cemented what I'd already been thinking, that she wasn't the right fit... so I just moved on immediately and found someone who was (If only I had done this with my ex!!!! Haha).

I was thinking about it a moment ago, but the truth is... if I could go back and tell him the ways in which I felt uncomfortable; I'd probably have also been able to tell my ex the same thing - and then there wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have been in the relationship, or speaking with that therapist about those things(!)

I feel like there's a ton of juice in what you said above!

[SnailShell]

Please, no need to apolgoise for expressing your thoughts - I'm following your train of thought and I'm sorry if I lost you a little bit.

I think give yourself a break here because it sounds like you've handled a series of very difficult situations to the best of your ability and it sounds like you've handled things with a great deal of good grace and compassion... I think perhaps reframing the phrase above very slightly to 'the empowering thing is to remember that I'm able to share my feelings with the therapist, and that is an option I can take if I choose to'. Because I'm not sure there is any 'ought to' or 'correct' way to deal with things like this...

This healing process is in large part about getting in touch with how you feel, what you want and need, what you think is right, and ideally we would feel empowered and safe enough to express those needs and feelings with others... a therapist should be aiming to create a safe space for you to do this, and if they don't... then they most likely aren't the right fit (and could potentially point to issues with their experience and skills). I'm sorry you've had these experiences that rocked your confidence. But it's good you have found someone you vibe with now.

In hindsight I don't think I would have said anything further to my therapist, because it just cemented what I'd already been thinking, that she wasn't the right fit... so I just moved on immediately and found someone who was (If only I had done this with my ex!!!! Haha).

I feel like there's a ton of juice in what you said above!

Yeah - it's interesting what you say.

I think it's a great conversation to have - there needs to be clarity, transparency and empowerment within the therapeutic process.

The same with church leaders and school teachers; or social workers...

Anyone who's in a position of 'authority', expertise and care over other human beings in one way or another.

I think - where there might sometimes be a 'don't question the orthodoxy!' ethos - things are more likely to go wrong.

^ That isn't to say that anyone here has displayed that mindset *at all*, but I think it might go on in broader cultural mindsets etc now and then.

Having said all of this - I woke up the morning after my previous posts, and realised that some of what I was saying came from hunger and tiredness too.

Not to say that I don't believe that I was saying; just that it didn't feel so urgent or important once I'd woken up after a good night's sleep!