A last ditch effort to keep our blended family together

[AnotherIteration]

I have been dating and living with my current partner (M,34) who is clearly dealing with elements of BPD. The cycling is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with and his unregulated behaviors have escalated from general aggression, yelling and unpredictable behavior, to prolonged yelling, name calling and breaking things in the house, punching and kicking doors, etc. We have a blended family of 5, so together we share 3 boys under 8 years old. His two children are 4, and 5. My child is 8 years old. My partners most recent split involved an almost three day dissociation where he relentlessly blamed me for everything being and going wrong, throwing emotional daggers and then expecting me to embrace him with loving arms. He also kicked a hole in my son’s closed doors, after I intervened in the middle of an escalation triggered by a scuffle between two of the boys. My son, and his, are learning to fear his unpredictability. Although most interestingly, his attacks are always aimed at me (even if the kids are involved, I receive the punishment, devaluation) I am just learning about the disorder. I have a severe amount of cognitive dissonance and have lost all of my trust in who I thought was my person. My goal is to understand if this is manageable, begin to learn how and connect with other people who have experienced similar things. He has agreed to seek professional help after the latest episode, as this thing is admittedly “bigger than him.” Any words of encouragement or advice are appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anon guy 47]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

From my experience it gets better but never really goes away.  My wife went from monthly explosions in the beginning to once or twice a year after 16 years, the mean comments and belittling have remained about the same or have gotten worse over time but. 

Also from my experience the violence only gets worse,  in the beginning she never got physical, just broke things but as she got more comfortable in the relationship it became physical which is not good,  she also became abusive with the kids which I put a stop to and became the punching bag in their place. 

If he is willing to go to therapy I would schedule it ASAP before he changes his mind and puts the blame back on you.  Although it may or may not help it is a step in the right direction of getting help and him realizing he has a problem.

Getting into church really helped us a lot as well because it teaches you to surrender your live to God, this helped her calm down a lot. 

I'll be praying for you and your family.

[kells76]

Hey AnotherIteration, adding my welcome along with Anon guy 47 

Stepfamily dynamics are already tough enough (stepmom to two here  ). When untreated BPD is in the mix, it's so much harder, so we're glad you found us and are ready to get some support.

It's not impossible for a family or relationship to heal and repair after DV, though it's not easy, and not a do-it-yourself project, either. Having young children in that situation is pretty serious; good to hear you two are pursuing professional help given the impact on the kids of untreated BPD/DV.

What kind of help are you planning to get? And are any of you (kids included) in individual counseling/therapy right now?

We often don't think we'll need DV help... until we do. I made my first DV hotline call earlier this year (due to things the kids told me were happening at their mom's house -- things very similar to what your partner is doing). I called our local hotline, not the national one, and I felt really supported and understood in the middle of my confusion and anxiety. I did appreciate that if needed, the local hotline would know more about how things usually unfolded in our area (legal/CPS stuff can vary based on your location). The national hotline is still a good resource, especially if your area doesn't have a local one.

A DV hotline won't tell you "you have to leave" or make you do anything. They can help you come up with safety plans to make sure you and your family are as safe as possible under the current circumstances. They aren't mandatory reporters and won't secretly make calls/reports to the police or CPS without your knowledge.

Calling a DV hotline doesn't mean you have to do anything particular -- it's you getting information to help you make the best choices for your family and challenging circumstances.

Do you think you might have some time (lunch break, sitting in the car, etc) to give a hotline a call, and then let us know how it goes?

We understand here.