Recomendations please

[Gonzalito]

Hello,

My wife has BPD. We have just had our first child. I am preocupied by possible effects the disorder will have on my son, now and over his childhood and upbringing. I have been reading texts such as 'Understanding the BPD mother', however that book is intended for adult children of BPD mothers, although it does provide usefull information.

What other texts should I read ? Are there any reliable channels on Youtube or any other reliable/ factual sources of information which you would recommend, in particular info. for the fathers of children who have mothers with the disorder.

I am worried about how I can protect and shield my son from the disorder now and in the future.

Thanks

[EyesUp]

Gonzalito, welcome.

It might be helpful to learn more about your W.  Does she have a formal diagnosis?  How long have you been together?  What are the dynamics like in your relationship today?  Have you started to apply any of the skills taught here and elsewhere, and have they been helpful?

When it comes to your son - I feel you.  I have three daughters, and their mom has many BPD behaviors, though undiagnosed ("uBPD"). 

There is no manual or instruction book for this situation and the conventional wisdom sounds more like good intentions than practical advice:  Be the best you can be.

The truth is, that's all any parent can do.

So much of this is individual, personal, situational that it can be difficult to provide more incisive advice without context.  If you can share more about your concerns and your situation, there are many here who may be able to offer more productive advice.

Hang in there.

[Gonzalito]

Hello, it's been a while.
Thanks for the replay.

Yes, she does have a formal diagnosis, and has had for about four or five years now.

She did medicate for a short while, some years ago, but she came off all the medication some years back and refuses to go back on them. She has been taken lorizipan since October to help her sleep, but It is loosing it's effect I think.

Her phycatrist and phycologist want her to medicate, as do I, but she refuses because of the side effects.

In the last month or so she has been making indirect and some more direct side remarks about ' taking herself out the way' and 'not being able to continue' another such references to suicide.

There are some bright moments of  motherhood for her with our new son but many darker more frustrated and despondent moments.

She has estranged herself from her family and has very few friendships. I tried to encourge her to see some friends but to little effect.

I myself feel very cut off from my own support network, and am often manipulated. But I am to afriad to push back as I have seen how this can explode in my face in the past.

Reading the book about BPD mothers she is definetly a hermet mother, although with some traits of the other types as well, as expected.

Thanks, once again,

[ForeverDad]

While meds may moderate her issues somewhat - as you discovered, the side effects make it hard to stay on them - with BPD what is most helpful is therapy.  Likely her psychiatrist and/or psychologist has been encouraging sessions along the pattern of Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT or similar).  Some professionals don't even put a name to the therapy since even that can trigger denial and overreactions.

But the reality is that progress, if any, is typically slow, often measured in months and years.  Therapy must positively impact her perceptions and behaviors, quite a challenge for anyone.

[Skip]

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Author: Shari Y. Manning, PhD Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 15, 2011) Paperback: 253 pages ISBN-10: 1593856075 ISBN-13: 978-1593856076

The High Conflict Couple Author: Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (December 3, 2006) Paperback: 190 pages ISBN-10: 157224450X ISBN-13: 978-1572244504

These are much more useful books for your situation.

[Skip]

I am worried about how I can protect and shield my son from the disorder now and in the future.

He is certainly entering a complex world as he may inherit some BPD traits and/or have to deal with an overly or under attentive (or both) mother.

The best thing you can do is to master the skills to navigate the marriage and start teaching him from a young age.