Ambivalence on the Best Course

[CawshusOptmst17]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post, so I want to begin by thanking everyone on this forum for their support and for their courage to share their own personal experiences so that others can learn from the shortfalls and/or emulate the actions that brought them healing. Though I have not had the chance to read many of the other posts, I don't expect my personal situation to be very unique from many others' personal experiences on this board, and that is why I am hopeful that I will find invaluable advice, and more importantly, a sense of direction, from other members who can relate to my situation.

I have been married for 8 years to my wife who has undiagnosed BPD. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger, have listened to podcasts on BPD with experts like Bill Eddy, and have read some online psychological literature on BPD. By no means am I affirming that these actions qualify me as a clinical psychologist to formally diagnose my wife with BPD, but they have given me high enough confidence to evaluate her recurrent patterns of behavior as unconventional BPD as they check most of the traits and appear to be straight out of a case study exemplifying the condition. (1) She is prone to unpredictable fits of rage (sometimes over trivial things and other times over feelings of resent) where she is often verbally abusive, overtly aggressive, threatening and sometimes will damage or destroy property. (2) She directs the blame at others (mainly me) and refers to herself as the "victim". She will also project some of her pathological tendencies on me (ex. constantly accuses me of narcissistic traits that she herself manifests). (3) She is very controlling as she constantly obsesses on my whereabouts and questions why I took so long at the grocery store (even though sometimes I will go shopping at her request). She has even objected to me exercising as she feels threatened that I am doing it to make myself more attractive to someone else. (4) She also very much sees the world in absolutes: even the thought of another woman constitutes as cheating on her and she has often accused me of cheating even though I have not even come close. There are also other traits that I will not list in the interest of brevity, but I do also want to add that to the outside world, she portrays this image of a kind, warm-hearted, and empathic person, garnering the support of many of our friends and acquaintances.

Although it was only a month ago that I realized my wife has BPD, I have been observing her erratic and alarming behavior since we were dating. However, every time, she skillfully manipulated me to admit that I was at fault, to the point where I started to believe her twisted reality and nearly even jeopardized my relationship with my immediate family. (It also didn't help that I had absolutely no idea that a condition like BPD even existed). I can't do much about the past now except kick myself over ignoring those red flags time and time again and letting my life spiral down this far.

In spite of all this, our marriage was blessed with two precious girls, now ages 4 and 2.  And that brings me to my dilemma: (1) if I stay in the marriage, I know I will continue to be the target of her ire and abuse and my own mental health will continue to erode (fair disclaimer: I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression). (2) if I opt for a divorce, then I will (mostly) detach from her, which would be good for my mental well being in the long run assuming I get shared custody of our children, but then I fear that she will focus her abuse toward our children. (And yes, I have witnessed her verbally and emotionally abusing our children before). Not only that but I fear that her everyone around us, who is oblivious of her condition, will decide to support her as she victimizes herself, leaving me utterly alone. Another scenario that I have thought about is to somehow convince her to seek therapy. From my understanding, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), is supposed to be pretty effective in treating most cases of BPD, provided that the patients adhere to the therapy for at least 12 - 18 months. But of course, we all know the catch-22 all too well: tha :help:t suggesting treatment for BPD to a loved one with the condition can blow back on you.

I know this was a long post, but I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read it and offer their advice. Though I know I can count on the support of my parents and siblings, I feel as if the members of this community may be my only other support.

   

[ForeverDad]

Be forewarned that most of the professionals around family court, perhaps even including your own lawyer, will not view you as having any mental health authority to mention any specific mental health disorders.  After all, they'll be quick to state you're a layman without mental health training or degrees.  How do say that?  That's what I experienced despite 15 years living with my then-spouse.

Added to that, court was unconcerned about her frequent misbehavior.  It was so true what William Eddy wrote in his most excellent book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that court will claim not to have any opinion about the couple before it in the courtroom.  Courts assume that once the divorce is past then the parents will calm down.  Well, except for the 10-15% who won't calm down.  Yep, acting-out personality disorders.

In my own case, my court studiously avoided mention of mental health issues.  I was in and out of family court for 8 years.  Only after our last hearing did our magistrate write that ex would benefit from counseling - but still didn't go so far as to order it.

[CawshusOptmst17]

ForeverDad thank you so much for your reply. The point you brought up about the legal system potentially dismissing my diagnosis of my spouse's condition is, indeed, one of my biggest preoccupations (and to be fair, my lack of credentials as a mental health professional would serve as a strong, reasonable argument on their part). In your experience, what approach worked best for you? Is requesting the court for a psych eval worth the cost/trouble? Also, I'm curious to know: prior to your separation, did you ever try to convince your ex to seek help, and if so, was it more painful than the divorce process itself? Thanks again, I greatly appreciate your feedback.

[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome, Cawshus...

How did you come to understand that your wife may have BPD? 

I'll echo @FD's comments:  Even if your wife has a formal diagnosis, court may choose to ignore it unless your kids are in clear danger from physical abuse/violence, or they are directly exposed to documented dangerous behaviors such as drug use in their presence.

The fact is that bad behavior and even criminal activity doesn't jeopardize parental rights... you can be a bank robber and a good parent.  Just don't bring the kids along to the heist!

In your situation, the best advice I can offer to continue on the path of study.  Read everything you can - complete the workshops on this site - keep a concise (and secure) journal - learn about local resources - build a rainy day fund - in short, take your time to do the things that will enable you to make the best choice for you and your kids with a plan and the necessary resources in place.

As far as DBT / therapy goes...  your wife needs to come to this on her own in order for it to succeed.  I spoke with various resources and referral services to support my then-wife.  One of the first screening questions are - are you seeking care for yourself or someone else?  If you're calling on behalf of someone else, do they know you're making this call?  Do they support this course of action? 

Various providers will tell you:  If the patient isn't directly seeking care, the chance of a successful intervention/outcome is low.    "convincing" your wife to take this action is, exactly as you said, a catch-22:  she's likely to perceive whatever you propose in a way differently than intended...   

For these reasons, your best bet is to focus on yourself:  reconnect with the things that matter to you;  prioritize your physical and mental health (which will pay dividends for your kids, btw);  find a way to maintain relationships with friends, family, colleagues (always a balancing act if your partner is insecure). 

In parallel, it doesn't hurt to learn about divorce in your state and county.  Instead of waiting until you're in crisis, explore how divorce works and consider how to identify the best attorney for a situation like yours.  Nationally, there is a trend toward 50-50 parenting schedules as the default - however there are still states and some counties where old-school judges default to the mother as the primary parent.  It will benefit you to learn more about current practices in your area before (if) you go down that path.

If you decide to pursue a divorce, a psych eval may or may not be helpful.  If your wife presents as "normal" and has stable employment and good character references, you could appear to be a vengeful and aggressive stbx spouse who is attempting to use a smear campaign to gain some advantage in court.  It's generally better for the judge to order a pysch eval for cause, rather than for a spouse to petition the court.  The worst part is:  Even if a psych eval comes back with a conclusive BPD or other diagnosis, it may not limit your wife's parenting time.  Rather, the judge may use the diagnosis to place certain guardrails on the orders re: communication between the parents, appointment of a GAL (which can cut both ways), or other protections for the kids (which in fact may be protections for the court).

I guess you're going down this path because you anticipate a high conflict process if you choose to pursue a divorce - is that right? 

In this case, you need to identify a litigator, not a negotiator, to be your atty.  Someone who will aggressively pursue stipulations which can become a precedent for parenting time...  By litigator, I mean an atty who demonstrates the ability - perhaps even preference - for going to trial, rather than for settling matters without a trial.  Since a majority of divorce cases are settled without a trial, finding an atty who is prepared to go the distance if needed is essential in a high conflict case in which a judge may ultimately make the decisions that you and your wife are unable to make on your own.

Hope this is helpful.  Take care.

[ForeverDad]

Here's what I've posted in the past about the practicality of cursory Psych Evals.  Please follow this quote's link to read my entire post.

IMHO ... a psych eval is of limited benefit.  Nothing wrong with requesting it but you just can't expect too much from it.  One of the reasons is that it probably won't address how well or poorly the individual can or would parent.

The divorce would separate the parents' lives - the marriage would be of course eventually be ended - but what would continue in most circumstances is custody and parenting, an entirely separate issue which a few hours in a psych eval don't even attempt to address.

I've written extensively about my experience and observations so I'll post some excerpts for you to ponder...

[CawshusOptmst17]

@EyesUp, yes, the information you provided is super helpful! To answer your first question, I first suspected that my wife has a personality disorder after listening to a podcast episode where expert Bill Eddy gave a brief overview of the most common personality disorders found in high-conflict individuals. After a cursory search of each of those disorders, the signs and symptoms of BPD stood out to me. That is when I dug deeper and read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which contains a more comprehensive description of the disorder and importantly, a questionnaire which convinced me that my wife exhibits more than 80% of common traits observed in BPD. In short, her behavior pattern for BPD is almost straight out of a textbook.

You are also right in your assumption for my question about the psych eval: basically, I would like to know whether it is worth the money and effort if turns into a high conflict process. However, from what you have explained, it doesn't seem like a very effective strategy if the court will not take appropriate action. I have consulted with divorce attorneys and from what they explained to me, the courts in my district do tend to promote a near 50/50 child custody (so a bit of good news depending on how you see it). Even with a psych eval, the point you brought up about her character references is spot-on, though, making it even more difficult to validate a BPD claim in front of a judge.

That leaves therapy, which I haven't eliminated as an option yet. I understand that the patient needs to opt for it out of their own volition, and yes, it is tricky to "plant" this idea to someone who feels easily attacked by these suggestions and/or their implications. There are moments when she is receptive, though. I can only hope to prepare well enough to seize the opportunity when it arises. That being said, I want to thank you again for your advice and am open to any suggestions or resources on presenting the option of therapy to a pwBPD.

[CawshusOptmst17]

Here's what I've posted in the past about the practicality of cursory Psych Evals.  Please follow this quote's link to read my entire post.

@ForeverDad, thank you for the link. What I glean from your posts is that a psych eval can be both expensive and even detrimental to my case if I am the only one ordered to take it or complies with it. This is really helpful information, and it certainly makes me reconsider invoking it in the divorce process, should I go down that path.

[ForeverDad]

Actually, the psych eval was inexpensive, a couple hours with a college grad student... all to find the conclusion was "anxiety".  Certainly an overview that likely won't even attempt to fathom custody and parenting matters.

It is the Custody Evaluation that is quite expensive and can take months.  In my case, the CE was a child psychologist and he was spot on.  His initial recommendation was a mere dozen pages, I've heard others say theirs tried to submit virtual books, and charged accordingly.  His summary stated that Mother could not share "her" child but Father could.

[EyesUp]

@Cawshus,

It sounds like you're prioritizing legal strategy more than help with relationship management / emotional support...

The community here can support you on both, but we tend to be stronger on the latter than the former.

That said, the best advice you will receive re: legal strategy in a high conflict divorce (with or without a personality disorder in the mix) is this:

Your goal is to demonstrate to the court that you are a super parent.

Your goal is *NOT* to try to persuade the court that your stbx is a flawed person.  If you do, you will simply appear to be resentful, vindictive, manipulative...   OC will likely play this to your stbx's benefit.

Consider the court's POV:  they are in the business of resolving disputes between partners who have decided to stop being partners.  They encounter couples who presently despise each other every day. 

Generally speaking, only the most stubborn, irrational people prefer to roll the dice and have judge decide how to split the assets and set the parenting plan - instead of coming to some acceptable agreement on their own.  

This is why the overwhelming majority of divorces are settled without a trial, where the judge more or less rubber stamps the agreement that the parties have put forward.

In my case, my ex wanted to be primary parent, keep the house, alimony, and child support.  She filed an at-fault divorce.

After nearly a year of back and forth between our attorneys, we settled at the court house immediately prior to our first pre-trial hearing.

I kept the house, we have a 50-50 schedule, joint decision making, and I pay CS but no alimony.  

Settling at the court house is so common it's a cliche, but other aspects of my case are unusual in high conflict cases, especially where BPD or some other PD is in the mix.

I was able to get to this point by doing my homework, managing my case, selecting a litigator rather than a negotiator to be my atty, setting strategy for my atty (rather than waiting for my atty to do it for me), and winning my atty's confidence by preparing the case - evidence and documentation - on my own.

This included keeping a concise log of every activity with the kids, and a journal of any noteworthy interactions with my then-stbx.

e.g., Ex claimed I was an absentee father / road warrior who was not involved or interested in the kids.  

I anticipated this false claim, based on what I knew to be her distorted view of herself and of me, and prepared a concise record of all business travel for the 3 years prior to the divorce...  I travelled about 20% of the time - but I was always home on Friday, always at parent-teacher conferences, usually at pediatrician appointments, and usually school events in the evenings with my kids - dances, halloween parties, etc., - with the kids but without my ex, who often stayed home from evening events.  

The document I prepared had a one-sentence summary statement at the top, followed by two pages of concise, highlighted data.  My atty (and any judge) could glance at the document and immediately conclude my ex's claims might not hold up.  

My atty was ready to get documents like this entered into evidence, and also to do interrogatories with my then-stbx if needed.  Fortunately, it didn't get to that point.

The conclusion I hope you take from this is:  Focus on you, what you can do, what you can document, what you are actively doing now - rather than trying to prove to the court that your stbx has a disorder - which you are not qualified to diagnose, and which the court might not care about anyway.

Consider spending time with Google Scholar.  I bet you can't find a family law case where someone was denied parenting time due to a BPD diagnosis... unless some other child endangerment aspect was present, in which case the endangerment was cause and the PD was circumstantial...

The best strategy is to focus on establishing a healthy new reality for yourself and your kids.  I also encourage you to find an atty who will tell you this directly, instead of indulging any another strategy that wastes your time while padding their billable hours...

Hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

Along those lines...

At first court and all the professionals there won't know (or admit) where the conflict and obstruction is coming from.  So don't be surprised that it ignores much of what is so obvious to you.  Still, try for the "least bad" temp order possible.  If you sit back and start with little time and authority, it will be much harder to gain it back.  The longer the kids are in a problematic custody/parenting scenario, the less the court will feel a need to 'fix' it.  In my case it took 8 years (2 during divorce and 6 post-divorce) to move up from mother's initial temp custody and dad's alternate weekends to dad's full custody and dad's majority time.  The initial temp order was a sudden huge change for my son but it took years of gradual fixes to find something that worked.  (My lawyer said courts are reluctant to make big changes in case it might be too much for the children.  Huh?)

I discovered that my court wasn't concerned about incidents older than 6 months prior to filing in court.  Older stuff was considered legally stale (old).  That seems to be the consensus experienced here.

Every allegation filed (claimed harassment, DV or child abuse) will be investigated with you as the purported perp and the other parent or children as victims.  Most are outright lies and misrepresentation but it's hard to get a firm 'unfounded' outcome, weak 'unsubstantiated' is typical.  Try your best not to be perceived by officials as a possible perp.  You play honest, but your ex won't, sadly.

It may be wiser to forget about "fairness" (an otherwise excellent quality to be proud of) and be a little street smart.  Share only as much information with your ex as necessary, such as financial details and parenting details.  Keep your legal advice and strategies confidential.

[Danny123]

Hi Cawshus,

I do not have much help on the legal end but reading your post I was floored how much we are in the same situation.  I have been married 11 years, two boys 5 and 7 it it is such a painful situation. I came to a similar conclusion about my wife BPD after my individual and our couples counselor told me that she definitely has these traits (some of the exact same stuff you wrote about).  Our couples counseling ended when my wife said she no longer felt supported by our counselor and she just felt blamed.  That was about two months ago and I agonizied over whether to stay or leave.  Last week I told my wife I wanted a divorce, I was shocked by the amount of pain that flowed out of me after telling her.  So much sadness for what feels like the loss of our family unit but also just realizing and truly feeling how much pain I have been in for so long. 

In the last week my wife has begged me to stay and admitted to treating me horribly for all these years.  She says she realizes now and wants to change.  My individual therapists thinks it is just an act of desperation to keep me from leaving and that the chances of real change are very slim, especially if she is not recognizing the deeper issues/emotional wounds that cause the BPD traits. I feel like I finally got to the point where I just can't take it anymore and I am done but then my guilt and obligation part of myself confuses me as to whether I should hang around while she trys to make changes....  It is so hard to know what to do but as of know I am moving forward with the divorce. 

I am so sorry you are in a similiar situation, I know how much pain I am in and I feel for you.  It helps to know that there are others out there in the same boat.  You seem like a really good Dad and that is where I am trying to keep my focus too.  I don't want them to ever get into this situation themselves in a relationship and I want to show them that you can get out.