bit of help guys?

[bolted]

Hi!

Not sure what to do or where to go. I have left this go too long and now it is a problem.

My wife is displaying incredibly irrational violent tendencies towards me nearly daily and has a plethora of personal issues (hemacromatosis untreated, badly underweight, mental health issues, total lack of a career at 30). Everytime, over a 12+ month period, I ask her to deal with this she attacks. This has always been her style (since 20) but lately her turning me into her problems and directing rage at me while ignoring her very real problems has gotten waaaay outta hand.

I have finally realised that I do not think she can ever get better while I am around, so as much as it kills me I left her, with a letter hoping she one day understands I did this out of love for her and hope she finds the strength to get better, while pointing out this is not what I want at all, but what I think I have to do.

Everyone of her friends I reached to for help is just enabling her and allowing her to run further from her problems so they won't see the issues : ( I worry she will continue like this forever if something cant get her over the line.

Anyway I put mysf in therapy starting tomorrow and am planning on contacting her after that to see where this is all going. She has vaguely commited to a blood doctor specialist and a psych visit this week, but I have seen 'commitments' before. A lot


thoughts?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi bolted,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand how emotionally distressing and depressing that feels when our pwBPD blameshifts and is raging. I recall it was like walking on eggshells at home because I didn't know if I looked at her a certain way would set her off.

It sounds like her support system is not aware of her problems and help her dysfunction. I'm happy to hear that you're going to see a T. Seeing a T and sharing with a support group concurrently is the best combo.

I can also see how difficult that is to leave your partner, how do you feel? What's your support network like with family and friends? When you say violent tendencies are you worried about your safety? You're not alone. It helps to talk.

[bolted]

I think the problem is I desperately do love her but have only as recently as 5 days ago stumbling upon this as a possible cause to the havoc in our life. I think I have made it into a rather co dependant relationship too perhaps. And am certainly not without fault, but if this problem is BPD my actions and reactions have been feeding the beast forever.

Family is sadly close to non existant, I have dealt with that stuff and it was not fantastic but I walked away and worked very hard to make a good life for me and my closest. friends are plentiful and of good quality but my pride is an issue. I think i may have lived with this for 10 years in varying degrees trying to patch it up with love, good intentions and honesty... .and not been able to see the forest for the trees. so now I am a bit cornered as although we have been together 10 years we were only married 6 months ago and were the picture of happiness. from that day its seems she is hellbent on destroying it for some reason. Admitting that is impossible atm.

The physically violent tendancies are not really a worry (she's tiny and underweight and I'm a large fit healthy man), tbh she has stopped in the last 3 months but has started directing it at herself (punch/headbutt brick walls like I would have as an angsty 16yo). The only real worry is her stabbing me in my sleep or the likes if I'm honest. I truly do not know where her head is at. Her untreated hemacromatosis and other health issues terrify me more, and I think are overcomplicating EVERYTHING.

aside from answering your questions I guess I am just trying deal with her choosing too/not too get help, keeping our financial life ok and trying to come to terms with exactly what is going on and exactly what burden I have taken on.

Do you think distance is healthy for BOTH of us right now? Do you think meeting Friday to discuss is important (financial details etc. no kids though)?

[Mutt]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're right, a r/s are transactions between two people, when you relate with someone often it becomes a r/s. You have your issues and she has issues, take what you own in the r/s and don't take her share, don't blame yourself for the disorder, the disorder is not your fault. There are only two things that you can control your thoughts and feelings.

Many people here can relate fixing or helping our pwBPD and I agree with you, it can be an ego boost when you're helping somebody else with their problems, the problem is that we often become overwhelmed trying to take care of our pwBPD and we completely neglect ourselves in that process. It's really important to take care of yourself so that you don't burn the candle at both ends. I'm happy to hear that you have a network of friends, i'd suggest spending time with them if you haven't already, it's a part of self care. What do you do for self care? 

To answer questions, what's your goal? How I read your question is that you want to talk to her about separating? I suggest to make plans before you do that, if you give her space that may trigger abandonment fears and she may act if she has BPD. You're on the saving board, are you trying to save your r/s or are you looking for a time out? A chance for you to regroup?‎

[bolted]

Don't be too hard on yourself is probably an issue I should work harder on myself ironically enough ; )

Self care? tbh I don't even really have a frame of reference for what that is. I like time with mates, engineering/mechanical/cars and fishing. I probably hide and 'cope' with video games and marijuana when thing get crazy. nothing excessive but it is somewhere to just relax and stop thinking when nothing is making sense anymore.

My goal. Sadly it probably isnt strongly defined at this point. I have only left because I am confident she can't see or hear anything in me that doesn't make me the enemy and push her further away. I may have made the decision in haste but it has been beyond boiling point for a while and I can't get one flicker of recogonition in her eyes. So it will have been about a week since I left after I start my visits at the therapists tomorrow. In that time she has indicated she has booked and is seeking help from multiple professionals. I have had no contact with her except to ask her about her drug use (probably wrong to do) I don't trust myself to do much beyond cave and go back with some strong boundaries if she makes a sensible case for a path to rehab and growth

On the night I left as we went our seperate ways (I convinced her to stay at our home and I left) she handed me a letter that she had written (prior to seeing me and with no knowledge apparently) that seemed like a plea for help and the beginning of the repair. I read it after I left and struggled not to cave then and there.

I have managed to eek out an easy existence that should be full of joy. I guess I'm still coming to terms/finding out if this is just a bad chemical inbalance or a lifelong affliction (or she plain doesn't like me) and whether the simple life can be done. I don't hate her yet, I resent some of the positions we find our life in but I feel she is not in her right mind and needs help.

I guess I'm not in my right mind and I need help is the kicker here.

[bolted]

To clarify I spent the last 5 years mining and saved enough to buy a house in our favoured location (city near where we both grew up northern australia) and owe approx $325 week minimum and rates/insurance of 2.5k year, we bought it in november and I finished renovating it - not the most useless guy around - about 2 weeks ago to as new condition. Was I blind, stupid, over committed, desperate to suceed? I do not know

We have no other debt and own every conceivable item required to live in new condition (cars, whitegoods furniture etc). I have a high capacity to earn in many industries and I love my wife dearly. I just want to take it easy for a few years, enjoy the results of my hard work and think about our careers and a family.

btw the debt listed is about 50% of ONE minimum weekly wage here. We could live on welfare and pay it, our life is set but the closer it got to set the more outta control she got.

I just want a normal life with my normal wife : (

[bolted]

Well I might as well follow up.

I went to my T session, essentially spoke abouts my fears around my life/relationship to her. She basically redirected me in the same fashion you guys have - to reflect on myself and how I feel. I am ok-ish, I guess its just part of what makes up me is that its going to be a struggle to let go of my life for a bit and not have answers for a while.

The T did speak a little to my fears on what our relationship may be facing (BPD/codependancy) but I feel that she, for most of the time, was kinda sub conciously trying to get me to focus on myself. I feel I exhibit a lot of symptoms listed on this site in both the codependancy lists and some of the BPD lists? I evidently overthink and am wondering what she sees/is driving at here. Maybe I already know somewhere inside XD

With any luck I am just being self aware and I'm not as messy as I am wondering but I gotta at least ask the question.

I guess I won't fight it and will try to be patient enough to do what she says and see what comes of it in months to come. I hope she doesn't stuff around for too long. I'd sooner hear what she has to say than have her worry about my reaction to something confronting and 'waste time' in doing so.

The T's parting words (in relation to my BPD fears I believe) were to 'pay attention to reward to behaviours' I said like 'pavlovs dogs'? and she indicated I was spot on. I dunno if she meant in myself or my partner so I will try to see it in either/both of us.

Anyway (no idea how foolish I'm being here) I tried to setup a workable path for my wife and I to live together and see what is going to come in the future.

 I, without having time to specifically ask the T if this is a good idea at todays session, spoke to my wife early in the evening and offered my version of a path to our future. I said I wanted to establish two boundaries because I am killing myself unless I do. They are:

1. If she chooses to seek help and maintains that attitude (I understand she might slip for a day or two but she must maintain and interest in actively improving) I have no problems. If she chooses to drop that attitude and give up I will have to find my way out because I can't do this to myself forever. I also have to remove myself entirely from that process to the best of my ability and let her do it.

2. When she steps over the line and becomes what I will just label 'manic' for lack of a better vocabulary she will leave the premises, either by request or her own violition until she can calm down enough to be civil. She strangely agreed to this to the point of begging me to help her do this specific thing. I have to use this with compassion and not passive aggressively.

She said that she was ok with all this, and she was intending to demonstrate her wish for help. She has been to the blood specialist today and is returning monday (hemacromatosis), has had her first session with a T two days ago and wants more. Is five days into a anti depressant script, which is not a decision either of us would take lighty.

I hope I'm not just being blind and perhaps I have a hope in hell here.

If anyone has any thoughts I would be very happy to hear them and am not a person who is particularly confronted by much or terribly easily swayed or unable to evaulate info reasonably. I guess I would just like some feedback to help me see my position from another perspective.




edit : forgot to mention I also, gently, asked my sife as part of the 'get together talk' if she feels as though sometimes she can't seem to get her emotions to match her world and vice versa, if that made her life hard and if she thought that maybe other people found that easier. She, with close to no resistance and what seemed like open objectivity said yes, yes and yes. I then asked her if she thought that was something worth putting in the effort to address and if she wanted to? yes and yes. Anyway I thought this was a rather positive interaction.

[Mutt]

Hi bolted,

If anyone has any thoughts I would be very happy to hear them and am not a person who is particularly confronted by much or terribly easily swayed or unable to evaulate info reasonably.

I'm happy to hear that your T session went well and I agree with you, we're here to talk about things that is very difficult for people to relate with unless they've gone through it and we're here to listen and guide each. Sometimes I may not being something clearly or at all that somebody else can see, it helps to get different perspectives, it's up to us to process it and choose what's right for our situation based on our values. That being said, I don't have an advise for you because it sounds like you know what you want, what your limits are with your boundaries and I get the sense that you'll defend your boundaries.

she feels as though sometimes she can't seem to get her emotions to match her world and vice versa

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, what that means is the person doesn't have the ability to self sooth, emotions are felt 2000x more than a non disordered person and feelings equals facts. This is how her mind is programmed, this is the reality that she knows, it's her benchmark, just as your reality is real to you.

The only advise is that if she's serious, she may have more then 2 or 3 set backs, be prepared for that, boundaries are not meant to be high fences, they're meant to be low fences, sometimes you have to have high fences with a pwBPD but boundaries are meant to be flexible. You might want to rethink that and be less rigid with her progress in T. I hope that helps  

[bolted]

re - not offering advice. Fair enough reasoning, I feel I do know what I want, I will protect my boundaries and that I'm thinking clearer than I have in years even though I am in a rather tumultous period of my life. So, understood.

The flexibility on my boundaries is definitely something I need to think more about. It won't work if I am rigid and harsh with them, or if I am weak with them I guess. Thanks, I'll keep that in mind

For what it is worth, thankyou Mutt. These little bits from you, mixed with bits from friends and the T have given me way more than may seem obvious at first glance. Calming down an overactive brain is much easier when I share.

I feel properly lucid, together and 'eyes wide open' for, what I now am only realising, must be the first time in years.

Cheers for the help in getting me to start crawling again. walking is next ; )