Borderline mom?

[Flightrisk]

Hello,
I’m quite new to the world of a forum. But I hope to find some advice and maybe some form of support.
My mother was always different. Actually, my whole family was always different, and I was/am also.
I was diagnosed with BPD myself at 25 years old and throughout my own therapy, it showed that my mom probably has it too. At the moment I am really struggling with the fact that she doesn’t seem to think she needs help or that anything about her is different at all from the average person. I don’t want her to feel bad but I want her to receive help. But that’s not for me to decide, I know.
I struggle everyday with the way I was raised and by who I was raised.
Yet I do „crave“ the closeness to my family everyday also. I find it hard to live without them and stand strong in my everyday life.
Despite everything my mom has (not) done an my dad has (not) done, I find myself longing to be with them.
But when I visit them I always feel disappointed. But then I go back still.
I don’t understand myself right now.
I’m in a depressive episode at the moment because of work, uni, and personal issues such as the one with my mom.
And I can’t remember ever feeling this bad.
I was in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years and still I didn’t feel this low and shattered. My therapy appointments ended last month after 2 years of therapy and I grieve the loss still.
And now the topic „parents“ is constantly on my mind.
How can I be easier on myself with not blaming myself for being the reason my mom probably also has BPD? How do I emotionally distance myself from her? How can I live with her, or without her?
Love,
Flightrisk

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. I have a couple of thoughts about your post.

First, I commend you for going to therapy and doing the work. Being able to reach out for help and understanding why is a big step. While you say your therapy has ended, I think it's OK to get help at any time.  Sometimes therapy can be situational- needed more at some times, not as much as others.

You are not responsible for your mother having BPD. Even if she makes it sound like the issues are your fault- you didn't cause this. It's more probable that she has had BPD long before you were born. You were a child. You are not at fault.

You also can't make her realize she needs help. For someone to reach out for help- they - themselves- have to be able to realize they need it. Sometimes it happens that a person can't do this or won't do this. While it's understandable that you don't want to see her struggle, only she can decide to get therapy or not.

I think it's also natural that children (even adult children) want to have a close relationship with their parents. Even if our parents are disfunctional- this is a significant relationship. It's difficult when also these relationships are disfunctional. We have to find some way to manage this for ourselves. It can be different for different circumstances.

For therapy to be effective, a person has to be willing to work with the therapist. In these kinds of relationships- this is often the person who is in the relationship with the pwBPD. This may seem backwards- isn't the person with BPD the one who needs the help? Yes but they have to realize it and be willing to do it.

In your situation, you have been told you have BPD, and you suspect your mother has it- but you are the one who has been willing to work with a therapist and your mother isn't. You can't make her realize she needs therapy but you can get it to help you manage your relationship with her. Many of us here do that- with or without any diagnosis.

You are feeling depressed at the moment and so I think it's important to contact your therapist about this. This is another step in your own emotional growth and well being. It's self care. People might ask for therapy at different times, and then maybe stop for a while when issues settle, but then may have another reason to ask for help again. Your therapy "ended" but your relationship with your parents continues and you feel depressed about it and that's a reason to reach out again- to your therapist and if they aren't able to provide this for you- to refer you to someone who can.  You also have questions- how to emotionally manage the relationship- and this is something therapy can be helpful with. Being able to recognize when you are feeling you need help and doing so- this is a positive and mature thing to do.

If there was a way to help fix my BPD mother's feelings, I would have done it. Unfortunately, I can't do this for her either. What I can do is ask for help to manage my feeling and this relationship better- and so this is what I have done. I think it would help you to do this too.

[Flightrisk]

@Notwendy
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I hope my old therapist can refer me to someone who can further support me because I feel I need it. I also was recommended inpatient treatment but due to work/uni I’m not sure I can do that right now timewise.
What has helped you manage the relationship with your mom better? I find it hard in general to be around her, as if a landmine might go off at any second. Also she isn’t very respectful in communication and stirs up fear in me whenever I do something she would probably feel afraid of.

[Notwendy]

This is where therapy can help. We can't manage someone else's feelings but we can work on our own. The first step is to recognize them. I feel fear around my BPD mother because her behavior is unpredictable and because we experienced it as children. As children, she was bigger than us and scary. As adults, not so much bigger but still scary. Therapy can help us to deal with our own feelings of fear.

Another reaction is to what she says. But just because she says something doesn't make it true. We can learn to take it less personally.

In addition, until we are better at managing our own feelings, we may have to reduce our contact around them- either less frequent visits or shorter visits, or also have someone with us. My BPD  mother is more likely to behave more calmly and kindly when other people are there too. Fathers may tend to be passive or enabling so someone else- like another relative, or a friend, or partner when you visit may be a good choice.

One way of looking at this that a counselor helped me to see is this way. Not "you, Mother, are the reason I can't be around you as much" but "I haven't had enough emotional recovery work to be around you as much". This keeps the focus on our work and not the other person.

The other is to substitute a mean comment with something so absurd it's not believable. Just because your mother says something about you doesn't make it true. If I said you were a pink elephant, would you be upset or think it might be true? I don't think so. You know for certain you aren't one. Just because I said it won't make it true. So the next time your mother makes a mean comment, substitute that comment with "pink elephant" and it will help you to not take it personally.

[Flightrisk]

I definitely have feelings of fear around my mom too, as mentioned, it always feels like she could go off at any second. When I was younger it was even worse, now she seems more bitter but still aggressive.
I’m often shy, especially with my parents. I have a really tough time standing up for myself before them and despite them. I used to have the mindset „I know what they’re gonna say anyway (something negative) so I won’t say anything at all“ and just stay silent.
My mom is like she is everywhere she goes, she doesn’t even hide anything. It’s not that she always does or says something hurtful or disrespectful, she is just a lot to be around. Loud, always wants to be in the middle of everything and can’t anyone have their moment.
My dad is absent. My parents are married but he is emotionally absent almost always. It pains me to say it because I’ve always viewed him as the stable parent,so I had at least one, and while he is in fact that, he has his own issues.
I don’t know who to take home because I do despite everything feel very protective of my parents and often people label them as crazy and weird (they are hyper religious and awkward). But shorter or less visits might be a good idea. With Christmas around the corner I will see them then anyways.
I really like the quote! Helps to change my perspective.
And the pink elephant strategy seems really useful, thank you!
I hope you are well!

[Notwendy]

Yes, thank you. Dealing with a BPD parent I think is a journey of self work and progress- not perfection. So be kind to yourself- we are all a work in progress.

Every person has their own individual stregnths, and your capacity for insight to both your own feelings and empathy for your parents is a stregnth.

Something else that may motivate you to do some self work is that as children, we grow up learning behaviors that serve us in our disordered families but when we are adults - outside of our family- they are dysfunctional. However, if they are learned behaviors- then it is possible we can learn different ones and so we benefit from working on them, as it helps with all relationships.

[Flightrisk]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you wrote.