Hope Springs Eternal ... or Eternal Sucker?

[LonelyOnly77]

OK, so for anyone who's read my posts, I have a possible uBPD younger sister who is very high-functioning who stopped speaking to me in May after she got upset with our father and older sister. 

After a very chilly reception at Thanksgiving (I was angry; she didn't even look at me), I wrote her a calm, but angry letter this morning explaining my coldness at Thanksgiving under my hope that somewhere in all this mess was still the sister I love. She wrote me back saying she also loves me, explaining herself, and apologizing for not communicating why she wasn't talking to me. She also outlined in broad terms that no one has ever supported her in anything, including me, and that we all take her for granted and don't show her love or support. This was not shocking to me (I've heard this before and she's not lying about, say, our dad or eldest sister who are kind of emotionally stunted). But I was surprised to see myself still lumped in there when from my POV, I was: taking her calls day or night, throwing elaborate birthday parties and celebrations; talking her through her divorce and many breakups; talking her through our family issues; helping her out when she was pregnant and after she had her son; buying gifts, spending money, planning dinners, spending time both with her alone and her son separately, and trying to make up for the fact that I wasn't there for her when we were both in our 20s and in abusive relationships.

I responded with love, but also defended myself (something I normally don't do) to push back against her narrative of me not being there. I don't know what she'll say next but we're talking and part of me is so happy, but another part is so scared. Because I truly want to believe she's not BPD and she is capable of adapting and growing and changing and reaching her potential. I want to believe she can have a happy, healthy life. Could it be she's highly-sensitive in a really extreme way and the mood swings are more Bipolar Type I than borderline? I want to believe that. I have Bipolar Type II. I never saw her as a type I because they're more manic and my sister is often depressed, but now that I think about it, maybe her mania is just in the form of agitation. Because if that's the case, she's agitated ALL THE TIME.

Or maybe I'm in denial? I'm the people pleaser in my family. I'm the extrovert. I'm the one desperate for communication and love. I'm the recovering doormat. Am I ignoring red flags to find the green ones? Am I a dreamer or a sucker meant to do this dance forever? Is she just going to hurt me again?

[Notwendy]

I think we are wired to have hope with family members. I think it's difficult to let go of hope. I think that happens with experience. Whether or not our family members are taking advantage of this or not- I don't think we can tell. Are they purposely doing this or is this an aspect of their disorder?

I think we also attribute certain characteristiscs to a relationships. Mothers don't lie to their children- right? Or so I assumed. The first time I saw my mother outright lie to someone to get what she wants, I was shocked. Then I realized she lies to me too. It took me a while to realize this because of the relationship. Over time, realizing how much she lies and how much I didn't catch on to it- I can recognize it. For me, a relationship requires trust. I can maintain a cordial relationship with her but I don't hope for a trusting relationship due to these experiences with her. I also have experienced trying to form a mutually respectful relationship with her as she has gotten older and after trying many times and realizing it's not possible- that is when hope for this changed. I had to try first- several times.

I don't know how many times it takes for hope to diminish. It's probably different for different people and circumstances. Your sister is high functioning and I think that probably makes it more hopeful- because she can appear to be competent, but whether or not her high functioning can apply to relationships may or may not be possible.

Maybe a more cautious approach is guarded hope. Protect what is important to you- your feelings, your finances, your own family, and your feelings. You are also aware of your people pleasing tendencies- I had to work on that too. It seemed I was most accepted in my family when I acted as a doormat too. But I didn't want to be a doormat. There was risk to that- losing acceptance by my parents.

I like the Bible quote "don't cast your pearls before swine". One doesn't have to be religious to appreciate the idea- it's like a proverb.  Our family members aren't swine- but to me this means don't give something precious or important to you over to someone who won't be as careful with it.  It's not about the swine- it's about accepting that someone else may not be careful or appreciate what you do. One aspect of people pleasing is being too open, not having appropriate boundaries. We adjust our boundaries to the relationship. We have different ones at work than with family. But sometimes family requires "work" type boundaries. You can still communicate with your sister but maybe more on the level of a non family member and see how it goes.