Mommy Dearest

[SarahJean]

Wow! It's awesome to find a community of folks with similar struggles. I have a lot of learning to do.  It seems that being raised by a BPD mother results in not learning to even identify my own true feelings, much less express them in a healthy manner.   Here we go.

[SarahJean]

I can't be the only one here who is currently coping with the realization that I was raised by an undiagnosed, high-functioning, seemingly normal to the outside world single BPD mother.  I've worked through some of my issues with therapists in the past, but never understood why the whole "expressing my emotions" part still ended up being scary and having consequences.  It's because the one person I was supposed to be able to trust with this stuff is the one who created my issues to begin with.   I remember knowing as a teen that if any emotion I showed was outside the little box mom wanted it to be in, I'd be chastized, argued with, or she'd come up with some sort of diagnosis as to what was "wrong with me" in the coming days/months.  Eventually, it would be used against me.  Even positive feelings/emotions if they were "out of place".  Since then, expressing emotions to other people is really hard.  I feel cornered if someone asks how I feel about something with no prior warning and expects an immediate response. 
Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" has opened my eyes to a lot!!!  It was recommended by a therapist in an online group therapy session I attended for children of difficult parents.  I would have never guessed BPD with my mother.  She was too stable in every way but emotionally.  The therapist however seemed to do what nobody else ever has and pegged it almost instantly.  He recommended some reading.   

Everything about undiagnosed BPD seems to be hitting the nail on the head.  Mom always had the bills paid.  Always had groceries in the house.  The house was clean.  I always had a warm coat, school supplies, and clean fitting clothes.   To the outside world, there was nothing wrong. 

The person who should have taught me to process feelings, who should have been there to help me learn to care for my own emotional well-being though...that person really didn't exist.  She expected that I feel like she anticipated me feeling.  If it was anything different, she'd ask "What the hell is the matter with you?" and likely take the conversation (or the parts of it she wanted to) to whatever friend would validate her and come up with another "diagnosis" for me. 

I went to my school counselor once in middle school.  I understood by then that I needed some help emotionally.  When I came home and told Mom I'd talked to the counselor, she told me not to do that anymore.  That the school counselor couldn't be trusted.  That they would most definitely take something I said and use it to send CPS to come take me away and make me live in a foster home. 
I never sought any sort of counseling for the rest of my years at home.  That was terrifying. 

Having my eyes opened to her not being a safe place is a game changer this time!  I can work on me without her input.  Without the self doubt she likes to reinforce!

[Notwendy]

I can't be the only one here who is currently coping with the realization that I was raised by an undiagnosed, high-functioning, seemingly normal to the outside world single BPD mother. 

I remember knowing as a teen that if any emotion I showed was outside the little box mom wanted it to be in, I'd be chastized, argued with, or she'd come up with some sort of diagnosis as to what was "wrong with me" in the coming days/months.  Eventually, it would be used against me. 

The house was clean.  I always had a warm coat, school supplies, and clean fitting clothes.   To the outside world, there was nothing wrong. 

I went to my school counselor once in middle school.  I understood by then that I needed some help emotionally.  When I came home and told Mom I'd talked to the counselor, she told me not to do that anymore. 

You are in like minded company here. I can relate to much of what you have said.

We here are all processing what we experienced in some ways and also how to make positive changes for ourselves as adults. Some of us have elderly BPD mothers and are trying to navigate these relationships.

So welcome to this forum!

[zachira]

You are not alone in discovering that your mother has BPD. This forum has many members with mothers with BPD, many who have participated on this site for several years.

My mother with BPD is deceased. Much of what your describe fits my mother who made sure her children were well fed and well dressed, yet was completely emotionally unavailable.