Resentment

[Methuen]

I'm having one of those days.

My body is on such a high alert.  My back muscles have been like cement for a few days now.  Today I had a physio appointment, and the treatment was so intense.  I had to take the day off this past Wednesday, and just walk around the house and put heat on my back to prevent full on acute back spasms, which I'm kind of prone to.

The Body Knows the Score.  I hold a lot in my tissues, like all of us.

I have so much resentment.  I don't want to work any more.  I came out of retirement (after retiring in 2017) over 3 years ago and returned to work, to put up a boundary against my mother's demands (needs) to take care of her in her old age.  I could write a book.  It's been a nightmare.  I want to retire, and do many things in my retirement.  But I live in a small town.  I couldn't retire again without my mom finding out. 

I try to keep the peace.  I am low contact (2-4 visits a month living in the same town).  Her needs are high and extreme.  My H buys her groceries and takes her to appointments.  He is a gem.  But that gem is now also so frustrated with her.  I've never seen anyone have this effect on him in 36 years of marriage.  To keep the peace, I walk a very high tightrope of "doing enough" for her, but also "very little" for my own well being.  Yesterday I brought her a Poinsettia after work, and stayed for about 30 min.  After I got home and was eating dinner, I got a text:  "Are you still working at ____?"

She can't wait until I stop working.  She's actually waiting for it.  I'm waiting for her to go into care.  Where I live, there's a supply/demand issue for care, so the people getting in are the one's either about to die, or the ones who don't have family.

Trust me when I say that if I didn't have a job, she would suck me into the black hole of meeting her needs.  If I don't do that, I don't "love her".  I'm a caring type, and my career choice was a helping profession.  So going NC in a small town where everyone knows both mom and I really doesn't feel right.  It's much more complicated than it looks on paper.  So I keep working.

This is absolutely the wrong reason to work after retirement.  I am working solely to feel safe from my mother.

It's crazy and I know it.  I have so many things I want to do in retirement (hobbies and being physically active and socializing more).  And I'm not getting to it because I'm working. And I'm tired. And frustrated.  And resentful.  My muscles are chronically "tight".  I do stretches and physio, and try to stay active, but I'm always battling the same problem - muscles tightening up and affecting my energy, sleep, and mental health.

Definitely feeling stuck.  Not making any headway on a decision to retire again.  My T thinks I should just retire and not tell my mom.  But in a small town, it would mean I couldn't leave my house because if I'm seen in town, some friend of hers would tell her they saw me.  I would be a caged animal in my own home.

Any suggestions? Anyone going through anything similar?

How do you let go of resentment?

[Notwendy]

Im out of town without my computer - so am typing on my phone. I’ll reply again later but I wanted to say I understand. Although being at a distance from my BPD mother and her being in assisted living makes it easier for me in ways- it isn’t an easy relationship to deal with. I can relate to concern about feeling misjudged by others and the inability to meet her expectations even with your best efforts.

And the resentment. It was actually 12 steps that helped me to look at resentment and how to work on it. Its not something I had heard before. I’ll post more later about it.

Resentment tells us something - and we can only change our part. Seems you want to retire but not be available to your mother more. The risk is people will tell her/ you might be painted black by her and her social circle. It’s a hard choice. If you retire you could also travel more and be away more. It might help to work on this decision and choices. There’s fear of what others may think but it’s also possible that some  others may understand.

[Notwendy]

I still feel frustrated and resentful at times. It’s a human emotion. I just felt at the time of my father’s passing that if people I thought cared about me would judge me poorly - how could they truly care about me in the first place? It was either my BPD mother’s version of me, or mine. If they chose her - so be it.

Yes people talk in my area but gossip also seems short lived. There is plenty more to gossip about. Going to a 12 step meeting is scary. I see people I know- they see me too. I’ve seen local doctors, a dentist, neighbors, friends. There’s that initial surprise/ embarrassment. Then I hear they are also struggling with someone or something. It’s possible you are not the only person in your circle dealing with this situation. Likely people will judge you for having boundaries with your mother, but also there could be people who understand. 12 steps may not be your choice - that’s ok too. I recall how scary it was to not be secretive and to fear judgement but after my own parents judged me, I think I felt so defeated, what others thought didn’t matter as much at the time.

[CC43]

I’m sorry you’re so stressed out that your body is telling you, enough. Might that be a sign that it’s time for a change?  I understand that employment is a buffer, a reliable excuse not to spend too much time with your mom. Does she pitch a fit if you don’t cater to her?  If you give her what she wants, does she stop the abuse and treat you with kindness?  Maybe you just accept that no matter what you do, she will act out, so why don’t you let her do that?

I gave up a few, much-needed vacations because a loved one with BPD always seemed to have a crisis as I was headed out the door. In fact, it didn’t seem to be a coincidence. She would learn that we were planning to do something enjoyable, and I think she tried to ruin it. Maybe it was her fear of abandonment, or to punish us, or to make sure she remained the center of our universe. But none of that was healthy. I allowed her to take over my life, and make me miserable right along with her. So from now on, unless she’s gravely ill, I’m not skipping my vacations just to be at her beck and call. Does that sound familiar?

My advice to you would be to retire. You plan out how much you can tolerate seeing your mom—once a week, or whatever routine works for you. If she pitches a fit, then you just walk away—if she’s going to act meanly towards you, then you don’t have to take it. You are protecting your own health and well-being!  If you’re worried about your standing in the community, I’m willing to bet that people will understand, as it’s fairly common to have family issues like this one.  And if they don’t understand, that’s their loss.

If you just can’t face this scenario, maybe you could try to work only part-time?  Maybe you could work some days from home?  You wouldn’t have to lie about retiring, and you wouldn’t have to share details of your hours, either. How would that sound?  Is that a middle ground that gives you a buffer, but isn’t so exhausting for you?

[zachira]

Many of us on PSI understand what it means when our body and mind are telling us we can't take being around our disordered mother that much if at all, that we need to make some additional drastic changes if we are going to be healthy enough to have the life we deserve now and in the future. Methuen, I have often heard you describe what a relief it is to be on vacation far away from your mother. What would be possible if you retired and rented/bought a vacation home in a place that you were far enough away from your mother to feel safe and to heal enough to be able to go back to your town or to permanently live far away from your mother? From my experiences, I have found the fly monkeys are the worst, because they enable the abusive behaviors of the disordered people and without the flying monkeys, the disordered people would likely be forced to take more responsibility for their behaviors, like having to get the care they need without taking advantage of/abusing family members. Your mother got herself home delivered meals when you were out of town on vacation. She surely can arrange for the care she thinks she needs if you are not around. My heart goes out to you, and hope you can find some solutions to give yourself some real long term peace without feeling uncomfortable about distancing yourself further from your mother or caring that much what other people think.

[Notwendy]

So back home with my computer and can write more. It was both a counselor and 12 step sponsor that helped me examine feelings of resentment. Rather than try to let go of it- considering it to be a feeling- like all feelings- that has a purpose. Feelings are information and necessary for survival. It's just that we have to examine them to interpret that information. A feeling like fear or anger is essential for survival in certain circumstances but we also need to interpret how real a fear is.

I learned that resentment is a signal to me that I have crossed the line into co-dependent behavior and that co-dependent behavior is often driven by fear- so what is that fear?

We do things that we want to do or enjoy. We also do things we may not want to do but we are willing to do them for a certain outcome. We work because we want the paycheck. We may get up in the middle of the night to feed or change a baby. But when we do these things we aren't feeling resentful. We may be tired, grouchy, annoyed when woken up at night by a crying hungry baby but we don't resent the baby.

However when we do things that we don't want to do and aren't willing to do but do them out of fear of not doing them, (or FOG) or trying to control someone else's reactions, or enabling/co-dependent behaviors- we feel resentment.

If we feel resentment, it's something to ponder - not just dismiss. We recognize that feeling resentment is not a good thing but- if it's telling us something- what is that?

My 12 step sponsor assigned me to write down a list of all the people I resented and why, and then we went through that list one by one. We also discussed the pros and cons of feeling the resentment and once I saw the "cost" it seemed clearer to me why holding on to it wasn't beneficial to me.

The "higher power" aspect of 12 steps isn't to make someone religious (people who are religious fit this with their religion). It's to help us see what is something we can control and what isn't- and be able to focus on what is in our ability to control- our own behavior.

So taking this perspective with your feelings of resentment, some things to note are:

You and your H feel you are doing too much for your mother- things she can do for herself like arrange meals but you still do them- and you are feeling resentment.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing for her, but feeling resentment is a signal to you that you don't want to do them, aren't authentically willing to do them, but are doing them out of FOG. Fear of her reaction, fear of what people will think of you in your community.

You are also continuing to work at your job- not because you want to keep working- but because you fear your mother will make more demands of you if you weren't. So there's resentment there too.

This is a difficult situation. I think it helps to map out all the pros and cons of your choices. There are both. But even doing this and making a choice helps because you know you are choosing. "I choose to continue to work because it's easier to do this than to confront my mother's demands" vs "I choose to stop working and will deal with my mother's demands".

While I find it helpful to be at a distance from my mother, there has been a cost to it. She's angry at me for this. The "cost" of boundaries with my mother also was the relationship with my father, who also was angry at me. I did try but also began to feel the affects of the stress with trying to help them and it scared me. I do feel a moral obligation to my parents but where are the boundaries of this? One idea that helped me was that I should aim at encouraging their best selves not their worst. If I allowed them to be emotionally and verbally abusive to me, I was not doing that.

Consider that you don't have to allow your mother to be emotionally or physically harm you.

I hope this helps a little with what feels like navigating muddy waters.

[Notwendy]

I also want to add that just because I have a tool to process resentment doesn't mean I don't feel it! At the moment, I am avoiding conversations with my mother because - her conversations tend to be manipulative and I find myself feeling angry at her.

I don't want to yell at her or get angry at her. I'm not doing it to avoid her feelings or reactions, it's to keep myself from behaving in a way that I don't want to if I am not in the mindset to be able to remain calm with her.

Recently, I have found it more difficult to remain calm with her. This means I need to be in less contact with her.

[Methuen]

Thank you every one for your support and helpful replies.

There is a LOT to think about there.

Does she pitch a fit if you don’t cater to her?  If you give her what she wants, does she stop the abuse and treat you with kindness?  Maybe you just accept that no matter what you do, she will act out, so why don’t you let her do that?

And there it is.  That is the question. 

I gave up a few, much-needed vacations because a loved one with BPD always seemed to have a crisis as I was headed out the door. In fact, it didn’t seem to be a coincidence. She would learn that we were planning to do something enjoyable, and I think she tried to ruin it. Maybe it was her fear of abandonment, or to punish us, or to make sure she remained the center of our universe. But none of that was healthy. I allowed her to take over my life, and make me miserable right along with her. So from now on, unless she’s gravely ill, I’m not skipping my vacations just to be at her beck and call. Does that sound familiar?

Yep.  Example: mom stopped taking her heart medication just before we were to leave on a trip.  When her heart rate / pulse  hit the stratosphere, she called us to take her to emerg.  It was determined by the doc she wasn't taking her pills and she admitted to this.  We were scheduled to leave on a big trip the next day. Mom had refused safety checks from home care while we were going to be away.  We explained the situation privately to him (including her abandonment issues and ubpd and my therapy).  Since she had stopped taking her meds just before we were due to leave and created a medical crisis, the doctor wrote her a prescription for home care while we were going to be away, starting the next day.  That was the best support I ever got from the medical system.  Of course, the first day we were gone, mom cancelled the home support service, but that's another story.  So I totally get where you are coming from with your sister.  The last three trips we took, we agreed that we were going to take these trips "no matter what". 

My advice to you would be to retire. You plan out how much you can tolerate seeing your mom—once a week, or whatever routine works for you. If she pitches a fit, then you just walk away—if she’s going to act meanly towards you, then you don’t have to take it. You are protecting your own health and well-being!  If you’re worried about your standing in the community, I’m willing to bet that people will understand, as it’s fairly common to have family issues like this one.  And if they don’t understand, that’s their loss.

I really really needed to see this.

If you just can’t face this scenario, maybe you could try to work only part-time?

Funny thing, I'm already doing this!  I've been working 3 days a week instead of 5, but mother has no clue.  I stay out of the public eye the other 2 days.  Which has the effect of making me feel like a bird in a cage.  The door is open and I can fly out if I choose.  But the cage is my safe place, and on those other two days, I either stay in my cage or fly out where nobody will see me (nature).

I have a lot of health issues, and so the three days a week is still too much.  And it prevents me from engaging in the self-care I really need to do to manage my conditions, and I'm overtired, and just resentful.  I'm also not happy because I'm not getting to things on my bucket list.

Thanks for your ideas Zachira.  My heart goes out to you, and hope you can find some solutions to give yourself some real long term peace without feeling uncomfortable about distancing yourself further from your mother or caring that much what other people think.

Sometimes I really wish we could meet each other on this board.  This is one of these times. 
So yesterday, our daughter called to say when she had visited her grandma (my mom), grandma hadn't know who she was for at least 5 min.  H and I went to mom's house with the idea that we would put up her Christmas tree.  It's an activity and gives us something to do apart from sit and listen to her complaints and spend the entire time redirecting.  Mom was the worst I had ever seen her.  She knew who we were at least. I would ask her a question.  She wouldn't understand.  I would rephrase.  She wouldn't understand.  I would speak louder.  She had a blank look on her face.  Finally I was truly yelling.  H had to step away cs. his ears hurt.  She also can't see, and runs her walker into furniture all the time. A conversation is impossible with her hearing.  Friends bring her food.  Yesterday she said to me " DON'T BRING ME ANY MORE FOOD.  MY FREEZER IS FULL".  She's annoyed by the food her friends bring. She doesn't eat it.  Or she eats a tablespoon and throws the rest out.  She was eating disordered her whole life.  She has lost so much weight, and is so frail, she is withering away.  It really is hard to see her like this.  But this was her choice.  Yesterday she was confused about her blister pack medication again.     It's getting to the point where she might be so confused she takes 2 doses. 

Then again.  Not my problem right?  She refused to go on the waiting list for assisted living more than 2 years ago when there was a 2 year waiting list.  And she shredded me for even suggesting it.

Travelling and distance is unquestionably when I feel happiest - not because I like to travel (which I do), but because I am physically distant from my mother.  I will have to contemplate your suggestion some more.  It's complicated and takes resources, but I do love being away.

I learned that resentment is a signal to me that I have crossed the line into co-dependent behavior and that co-dependent behavior is often driven by fear- so what is that fear?

We do things that we want to do or enjoy. We also do things we may not want to do but we are willing to do them for a certain outcome. We work because we want the paycheck. We may get up in the middle of the night to feed or change a baby. But when we do these things we aren't feeling resentful. We may be tired, grouchy, annoyed when woken up at night by a crying hungry baby but we don't resent the baby.

However when we do things that we don't want to do and aren't willing to do but do them out of fear of not doing them, (or FOG) or trying to control someone else's reactions, or enabling/co-dependent behaviors- we feel resentment.

If we feel resentment, it's something to ponder - not just dismiss. We recognize that feeling resentment is not a good thing but- if it's telling us something- what is that?

My 12 step sponsor assigned me to write down a list of all the people I resented and why, and then we went through that list one by one. We also discussed the pros and cons of feeling the resentment and once I saw the "cost" it seemed clearer to me why holding on to it wasn't beneficial to me.

The "higher power" aspect of 12 steps isn't to make someone religious (people who are religious fit this with their religion). It's to help us see what is something we can control and what isn't- and be able to focus on what is in our ability to control- our own behavior.

So taking this perspective with your feelings of resentment, some things to note are:

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing for her, but feeling resentment is a signal to you that you don't want to do them, aren't authentically willing to do them, but are doing them out of FOG. Fear of her reaction, fear of what people will think of you in your community.

You are also continuing to work at your job- not because you want to keep working- but because you fear your mother will make more demands of you if you weren't. So there's resentment there too.

This is a difficult situation. I think it helps to map out all the pros and cons of your choices. There are both. But even doing this and making a choice helps because you know you are choosing. "I choose to continue to work because it's easier to do this than to confront my mother's demands" vs "I choose to stop working and will deal with my mother's demands".

While I find it helpful to be at a distance from my mother, there has been a cost to it. She's angry at me for this. The "cost" of boundaries with my mother also was the relationship with my father, who also was angry at me. I did try but also began to feel the affects of the stress with trying to help them and it scared me. I do feel a moral obligation to my parents but where are the boundaries of this? One idea that helped me was that I should aim at encouraging their best selves not their worst. If I allowed them to be emotionally and verbally abusive to me, I was not doing that.

Consider that you don't have to allow your mother to be emotionally or physically harm you.

I hope this helps a little with what feels like navigating muddy waters.

So much wisdom in all of that.  I may have to stick it up on the back of the bedroom door and read it every day. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this.

At the moment, I am avoiding conversations with my mother because - her conversations tend to be manipulative and I find myself feeling angry at her.

I don't want to yell at her or get angry at her. I'm not doing it to avoid her feelings or reactions, it's to keep myself from behaving in a way that I don't want to if I am not in the mindset to be able to remain calm with her.

Recently, I have found it more difficult to remain calm with her. This means I need to be in less contact with her.

  Me too!  My last T drilled this into me.  This is when H offered to take over the grocery shop and appointment shuttling. 

Sigh.

Mom's last grocery list consisted of one thing:  "cookies".

So that's what he bought her.  Nothing else.

 

My massage T today said the stress is causing my muscles to freeze up at night and cause my intense back pain.  Sleeping has not been going well.

So I know everything you are all saying and advising is true.  I just need to see it and hear it.  Process it.  I want to act on it - but the thought of having my pathetic waify mother know I'm not working and I still don't go to help her - both terrifies me and makes me not like myself for not wanting to help her.

[Notwendy]

Mom's last grocery list consisted of one thing:  "cookies".

So that's what he bought her.  Nothing else.

 

My massage T today said the stress is causing my muscles to freeze up at night and cause my intense back pain.  Sleeping has not been going well.

So I know everything you are all saying and advising is true.  I just need to see it and hear it.  Process it.  I want to act on it - but the thought of having my pathetic waify mother know I'm not working and I still don't go to help her - both terrifies me and makes me not like myself for not wanting to help her.

I understand the conflict. I wanted to help my parents more and did try but had to cut back due to the level of stress and verbal/emotional abuse. Although my parents reacted as if I had neglected them- their reaction to this was to cut off the relationship further and also involve my mother's family and family friends.

I still felt an obligation to help but it was actually BPD mother who cut off the relationship. Now that I understand BPD dynamics better, I see this as a part of the push pull dynamics- but I didn't then. A couple of years later, BPD mother went back to pull. On her part- she was used to this. She'd rage, then come around and we'd all go back to the usual relationship as if nothing happened. She wouldn't be accountable for her behavior, we knew to not bring it up. But for me, this experience had gotten me into counseling and 12 steps and I didn't want to continue the same dynamics.

One reason (there were others) that BPD mother resisted going to assisted living is that she wanted to go to one near me. She could have done this on her own but I think she wanted me to be involved. There was going to be a family Zoom meeting with a social worker to discuss assisted living. I knew she'd bring this up and I did panic over the idea of saying no to that idea. I understand your feelings- as this was also after me being in 12 steps and having counseling and I was still in a panic over this.

I actually mentally considered this and the idea was stressful to think about. I found a counselor online and scheduled a virtual session with her ( she was out of state, I think I just googled someone and don't recall who) and we role played how to say "no" to her. During the actual session, which was taped, you can hear my voice crack and the distress in my voice. BPD mother snapped into witch mode and started interrogating me. I was stammering and began anwering her and then got my bearings back and stayed with the "no". She then, to the social worker went back to her "nice mode".

I didn't do this without support. The social worker wanted my mother to go to assisted living and her excuse was that she was going to go to one near me. The social worker knew my feelings about this and needed to get this settled so that they could pursue looking at local ones. In the session, BPD mother agreed to do this. After it was over, she refused again. She didn't go to one until there was no other choice.

I understand your concern about how other people may think of you. It does bother me that some people may think poorly of me for not having my mother here with me and helping her. I wish it were different too- but it is what it is. I have also found that people in my community do understand. It felt scary to walk into a 12 step meeting and see people I know- neighbors, well known doctors in the community, business people, but they too are dealiing with someone or something. So yes I do get this fear of saying to your mother that you are retired but not going to help more.

I also know that- without your support- your mother will likely have to go to an assisted living where there is nursing staff to help her, meals will be prepared. My BPD mother was also eating mostly cookies and no meals at home, but now she eats better. My mother was unhappy in her home and she's not happy at asissted living either but that's on her. There are social activities there but she refuses to go to them. There's no way to know how your mother will do in assisted living but you know how she's doing now in her own home and it's not a good situation. Stepping back is scary- it may be worse for her but also it may be better.

[GaGrl]

When I retired and moved into our "forever house," in which my mother had been living for three years by herself, I became a caregiver. However, she already had a family friend of many years (my age), who is a CNA, coming in three days a week for cleaning, bathing assistance, driving to med appointments, groceries, etc. I did not let her cut back on those days. So I had someone else from the get-go.

When my mom died, in home hospice, I was amazed at the number of friends and relatives who, while telling me "how good you were to your mother," also shared that they knew how difficult it was, that they had been there themselves, that the older their parent got, the more difficult they became.

So I really would not be concerned about feeling judged by others in the community. I believe they know and/or have been in the same place.

It's the fear of your mother that needs your attention. If you can unravel that, what a difference.

[zachira]

Methuen,
How do we separate our emotional systems from our mother's when we have spent so many hours enmeshed in her overwhelming emotions since birth? This is especially difficult if you are an only child. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not the horrible person that my disordered family members and mother with BPD have made me out to be, just one of many generations of family scapegoats. I don't think there will ever be complete relief from enduring periods of time in which I feel ashamed of who I am and have to get back on track by reminding myself where these feelings of low self esteem come from. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a work in progress in becoming a person in my own right with very different values from my disordered family members and the price for doing so is worth it. The price is being judged very harshly by many family members and flying monkeys. On the road to recovery, I have found many people who do understand my situation because they have similar experiences though most of these people are very careful about to whom
they disclose these experiences.

Mirroring the emotions of another person is healthy in many situations and in other situations it isn't. For example, young children learn to feel worthy when parents mirror their joy, however it is never healthy to mirror another person's anger. The mirror neurons are so powerful, and the mirroring of the overwhelming emotions of another person can extend to when we are no longer in the room with that person and even after the person is no longer around when the situation is especially toxic. The strong feelings you have about not taking care of your mother really are not totally yours as your mother goes out of her way to always let you know that whatever you do for her is not enough and will never be good enough. Perhaps asking your therapist and/or reading about how therapists maintain healthy emotional boundaries with their clients while and after spending many hours being in the presence of some very strong clients' emotions could help in continuing your journey in being less affected by your mother's extremely unreasonable expectations of you. Here on PSI, we very much see you as a person who is totally different from your mother. Your mother sees you as an extension of herself.

[Methuen]

It's the fear of your mother that needs your attention. If you can unravel that, what a difference.

The mirror neurons are so powerful, and the mirroring of the overwhelming emotions of another person can extend to when we are no longer in the room with that person and even after the person is no longer around when the situation is especially toxic. The strong feelings you have about not taking care of your mother really are not totally yours as your mother goes out of her way to always let you know that whatever you do for her is not enough and will never be good enough. Perhaps asking your therapist and/or reading about how therapists maintain healthy emotional boundaries with their clients while and after spending many hours being in the presence of some very strong clients' emotions could help in continuing your journey in being less affected by your mother's extremely unreasonable expectations of you.

I see where you are going with each of these.  But I'm blanking on how to move forward.  I will bring them forward to my T. 

I've overcome my phobia of snakes.  It was tested in the field when I came within 3 feet of the second most poisonous snake in a foreign country on a night jungle tour.  We were given flashlights to scan the trail (it's pitch blackness), but they are so camouflaged, the guide and 2 people behind him did not see the snake. The snake moved off the trail.  My adult son was in front of me and saw it moving off the trail and alerted the guide who identified the snake, which coiled itself up about 5 feet off the trail and was facing us.  I remained calm, turned around, and got the youngsters (teens and young children) behind me to back up quietly. Quite a difference from the teenager (a few decades ago) who climbed on top of the couch backs screaming at the snake pit scene in the "True Grit" movie. The night jungle snake story has a happy ending as the guide "guided" the group to safety.  Ironic that I have consciously worked to overcome that phobia, but I cannot seem to overcome my fear of my mother enough to do what I want and just retire.  I think it would be easier to survive another snake encounter. 

So GaGrl, I get your point.  Something to work on.

[Notwendy]

I think fear of my BPD mother is the predominant emotion we grew up with and she controlled us through fear. It was a real fear as she could be destructive with our possessions and relationships. The fear also involved the relationship with her. If she was angry, she'd do the silent treatment, withdraw any affection or attention. This is terrifying to a child. One thing I noticed is that it seems to be connected to the relationship though. My sibling has a more difficult time with boundaries with her. They have more of a connection. There are positive moments between them.

I fear her too but also I think having boundaries is less of a risk because we don't have the same kind of relationship. My fear of her was connected to my relationship with my father- I feared his disapproval if she was angry at me.

Your being the only child- she didn't split with siblings- so you were possibly both a golden child at times and then not. That had to be scary- because at times when she was acting as "good mommy" it was contingent on your behaving as she liked. She had the power to take "good mommy" away if she was angry.

In 12 steps there is also work on fear- analyzing it to see if it's realistic or not. Fear is a protective emotion. It is necessary for survival. Early humans had to have fear to run from a hungry animal. This may not be as much of a concern in current times but we are still wired to feel fear like our primitive ancestors. So we have to think about it and rationalize the fear.

As children, our mothers are larger than we are an in a rage can be scary. As adults we may still have that memory. I think it is something to work on like a phobia but also something that we stay aware of because it's a part of that relationship. I still have fear and anxiety around my mother.

Some of the fear is based on reality. There is a cost to having boundaries with her. If she's angry, she retaliates. Figuring out what is real and what is not is something we need to sit with.

I will have a fear reaction if someone yells at me or gets snappy with me, especially if that person is female. Once a parking attendent yelled at me to move my car in a busy parking lot. I was shook up for several minutes after that. Another time at work, a co-worker snapped at me. I went immediately to my office, shut the door and sat there for several minutes so I could calm down. Later the co-worker came in to apologize to me. It had nothing to do with me, she was having a bad day.

I think we are going to feel what we feel. Our task is to process the feeling and then decide how to respond to it. Fear of our mothers is probably how we adapted in our family- and it was a protective emotion. One tool I learned was that if we are feeling HALT ( add fear and resentment to that). Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired ( and more) it means stop, take a moment, get settled. Unless you are being chased by a hungry wild animal (or snake)- then take action. But most of the time we can stop, sit with it, rationalize it.

One of the scariest things is saying no to my mother. It may help to write down the worst consequences you might see of saying no to your mother. Then in another column, the emotional cost of not saying no, staying employed, and compare the two.

[Methuen]

I met with my T on Friday, and shared a few quotes from this thread.

I read Zachira's piece about mirror neurons to her.  She responded positively but kind of redirected me to IFS (Internal Family Systems) theory, and had me identify my "part" that is afraid of my mother.  It's my "I'm a bad daughter" part.  That's my mom's projection - but my T keeps thinking that I buy into it to a degree, because I feel bad that I can't/don't do more "caretaking" for mom.  She skillfully took me on a bit of a journey - can't explain it or recreate it - but the outcome is that I could see myself as a 1-5 yr old, and I was able to feel compassion for little Methuen, and "see" how twisted it was for mom to train little Methuen to feel it was my job to "take care of mom". 

At least for now, the resentment is at bay.

My whole life I could only draw crooked stick men. This weekend I painted a favorite spot where we camp and kayak in the summers.  Therapy!  Didn't know I had the ability to paint until I started attending a few "paint nights" a couple of years ago. Middle age has brought a new hobby and so I'm painting favourite "happy places".  It's amazing therapy.  I truly am so absorbed in what I'm doing my mind doesn't wander anywhere else.

So.  Doing better.  For now.  Thanks to everyone here.  Without your comments, I may not have had the conversation I had with my T.  And your comments have given me lots to sit with. 

Still working.  Not retiring yet.  But I have the beginning shadow of a plan formulating.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are feeling better. I think this is similar to "inner child work" where we connect emotionally to the feelings we had as a child and also re-examine the messages we got about ourselves.

We then do something to "care" for that inner child- it may be having a favorite food to eat or do something fun. I think for some of us ( I feel this way too) it's hard to just play-do something for the enjoyment of it- and your hobby- painting is a form of "play" as an adult. Glad you have found this!

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so happy that you are feeling better. IFS is a great therapy for healing all the parts that are troubling a person and to become more grounded in who we are, less affected by all the negativity that surrounds us, truly joyful in being who we are despite all the difficult challenges life brings.