Help me, please

[mbca]

I think my girlfriend has BPD. My psychologist said that from what I tell her, it seems like that. And then I started reading Randi Kreger and Paul Mason's book (Stop walking on eggshells) and I identified with everything. I really think she has BPD and I'm suffering a lot. We met on a dating app and everything was so intense and reciprocal at first. We wanted to talk all the time, we fell in love quickly, we started dating right away. We wanted to see each other all the time. She was very loving, she complimented me, she said I was her certainty. She even saved my contact as "my certainty". She wanted me to go to her aunt's birthday party, she made me a personalized mug with the name of our ship. We already had several plans together to get married and many other things. She was everything I'd ever looked for in a person to date. I was in love and happy and everyone around me noticed that I was always looking silly, in love and that I was light and happy.  But we had some minor disagreements, and one of them led her to break up with me after we had been together for a month. I was going to respect her wishes and not try to get back together, but she texted me a few things and I ended up replying and sending her a message on WhatsApp, and we talked. We decided to get back together two days after the breakup. But she said she was afraid she wouldn't be able to be the same, because when she got hurt, she would block things up. Then, a few days after we got back together, things started to change. It's been a little over a month since she's been reciprocal. She doesn't do anything she used to do. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me, see me, be with me anymore. She avoids kissing me, doesn't like me touching her or even looking at her. She attacks me all the time, insults me, calls me names, says I'm selfish, and blames me for all her problems and even her actions.  She says she hates me, that I should die soon, when I try to talk about deep issues to understand and resolve them, she ignores me, doesn't look at my face, makes fun of me, and leaves if she's here. Then she acts as if nothing happened. If we're talking on WhatsApp and I try to talk to her, she stops responding, keeps posting digs and indirect messages, and then comes to talk to me as if nothing happened.She came here on a Monday. I took her to catch the bus to work. The day went by normally. The next day, she didn't answer me. At the end of the day, she answered, and when I asked her, she said she didn't answer because she didn't want to. Then she disappeared again and didn't let me know if she got home okay. The next day, she said good morning and disappeared again. When she got home at night, I asked her if she had broken up with me and forgotten to tell me. She only said "if you want." I explained everything that was happening and how I felt, and asked her for her position. I asked if she still wanted to be in the relationship. And I said that if she didn't answer, I would understand that as her decision to end the relationship. She didn't answer. An hour later, she sent me a picture of the pot of beans and wrote "I made beans," and then she sent me a meme. The next day, she talked to me normally. Then I ignored her twice because I didn't understand anything, and she didn't talk anymore. But then the next day, I sent her a message and she answered. Not to what I said about still caring about her and her being able to count on me, but to some random and superficial topic.  And over the last few weeks she has only talked when she wants, what she wants. Random and superficial topics or she wants to get something off her chest. But she is no longer interested in anything about me. We went 9 days without seeing each other, and I thought she had broken up. Then last Thursday she wanted to come over to my house and acted as if it had never been broken up. Then on Friday she wanted to come over again. But in person she continues to physically distance herself from me, says that I irritate her, calls me stupid, says that I should just die soon. She acts as if she can't stand me anymore. But she doesn't break up. She holds me back because she doesn't communicate and doesn't talk openly about what she feels and what she wants. I still love her and I wish it could go back to how it was in the beginning, when everything was mutual. What do I do? Should I break up or is there still hope?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey mcba and a warm

Glad you found us and are ready to get some support. BPD relationships can be pretty confusing especially when we're just learning about what might be going on.

I want to make sure I'm tracking with the timeline. Is this close:

Meet on app, date for 1 month
Break up #1
Reconnect after a few days
Together 1 more month
Last week:
Monday: normal
conflict/misunderstanding Tues-Wed
Thurs: she came over
Fri: she came over

am I reading you correctly that the two of you have been together for ~2.5 months?

She acts as if she can't stand me anymore. But she doesn't break up. She holds me back because she doesn't communicate and doesn't talk openly about what she feels and what she wants. I still love her and I wish it could go back to how it was in the beginning, when everything was mutual. What do I do? Should I break up or is there still hope?

As counterintuitive as it sounds, for there to be hope to iron things out, you may need to let go of the dream that things can be just like they were at the start. If you can be okay with that -- if you can be okay with and accepting of the relationship for what it is today, vs hanging on to a desire for "the good times", then that gives you a path forward. Gripping on to "how can I white knuckle us back to Day 1" will, as odd as it sounds, likely inhibit the relationship from growth together.

If BPD is in play, then she's going to struggle with accurate expression of her thoughts and feelings -- that's going to be a feature, not an exception. Coming to terms with that and learning new, often unintuitive tools for more effective communication will be critical.

...

But we had some minor disagreements, and one of them led her to break up with me after we had been together for a month.

What was the disagreement?

[mbca]

am I reading you correctly that the two of you have been together for ~2.5 months?

Yes, the timeline is correct and the dating time is also correct.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, for there to be hope to iron things out, you may need to let go of the dream that things can be just like they were at the start. If you can be okay with that -- if you can be okay with and accepting of the relationship for what it is today, vs hanging on to a desire for "the good times", then that gives you a path forward. Gripping on to "how can I white knuckle us back to Day 1" will, as odd as it sounds, likely inhibit the relationship from growth together.

I'm not okay with this, because every day that passes she treats me worse. She ignores me, disappears. Just yesterday she refused to answer a simple question. Today she's off work and refused to tell me what her plans were for today. Then she changed the subject and disappeared. She posted that she was at a bar with someone, but I don't know who. And she didn't answer me anymore. She's off work today, posting on social media and doesn't have the consideration to answer me. I don't even recognize her anymore. She's not the same person I met and who we fell in love with. She changed drastically after the first breakup. She had told me that she didn't know if she could be the same, because when she gets hurt she creates a blockage. And it seems that happened. But she has completely changed and seems like a monster. All she knows how to do is ignore me, mock me, insult me, humiliate me, make me feel guilty and crazy, I'm always the one in the wrong according to her. She's never to blame for anything. And she only talks to me when she feels the need to vent her frustrations, I've become a crutch.  She has me in her hands because she always says that whenever she sends me a message I will answer, whenever she calls me I will answer, whenever she wants to come see me, she can come. But it doesn't matter if I want to talk to her or see her, only her feelings and desires are taken into account. Even if I ask her to stop insulting me, she says no and continues. I ask her to talk and answer me and she says she won't answer anything or simply ignores me and then comes back as if nothing had happened. As I already told you, I am no longer a priority for her. And she doesn't end the relationship, but she constantly shows disinterest and that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. She no longer says that she misses me or that she loves me. All she knows is that I irritate her.

What was the disagreement?

One day she came to my house. She went to take a shower and took her cell phone into the bathroom. Then she came to bed with me and didn't pay me any attention. She stayed by my side, using her cell phone on social media the whole time. I tried to talk to her and tell her that the situation was bothering me, but she went to sleep. I started talking to her, trying to talk and resolve the situation and show her that her attitude wasn't good for the relationship. She didn't like it. She started saying that she was putting herself aside for me, that I didn't want to resolve things, that that was the only time she had to distract herself on her cell phone, and that she didn't understand why I was making a fuss about her being on her cell phone next to me. She got so stressed that she broke up with me. She said she was going to block me, but she never did. She said she hated me and then she didn't talk to me and was at my house. She started posting indirect messages to me. She slept here because it was too late for her to leave. The next morning she left without talking to me or looking at me.  But the next day she sent me a message and that's when we decided to get back together. But the relationship has never been the same and it's getting worse and worse. I don't even know if I can call this a relationship anymore, if there's still a relationship. But she won't end it and leaves me trapped in this cycle of suffering with this new me of hers that emerged after we got back together.