My anxiety is thru the roof, I am loosing hope

[BIRD86]

My 20 Undiagnosed BPD daughter has done everything possible to sabotage her life.
This year has been a struggle with her all kinds or problems you name it.
I have always run to her rescue to help her and dig her out of her holes she inflict on her self.
I have spend so much money paying for stuff to help her.

Recently I found out she has two reckless Court that require a lawyer otherwise she runs the risk of getting her license suspended. She has no money to pay for that and that's another burden for me.
Or she looses her license and loose her job. or I will be stuck driving her around. She has no respect towards me and she blames me for every single little thing that happens to her. She doesn't  take accountability for her actions and doesn't realize how serious this situation is.
She doesn't live with me and I refuse to live with her. If she looses her license her job is at risk and her living situation as well. Also she got a really bad driving record. like 8 tickets for different driving offenses. We have no family help. she has burned all the bridges. I am all she has otherwise I would've moved away from her long time ago. She refuses therapy and help and denies she has a problem. Any advice I try to give her ends up in an argument and blames towards me. I loosing hope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi BIRD86 

I can almost feel the stress on you right now... things must feel so heavy and urgent. Of course you want to love and support your D20, and you hope and wish she could stay employed.

It's good you recognize your "pattern" here:

I have always run to her rescue to help her and dig her out of her holes she inflict on her self.
I have spend so much money paying for stuff to help her.

I wonder if it seems like it's never enough -- that nothing you do "fixes" it for her, it just depletes you? Does that sound accurate? Could that also be freeing, in a way -- the knowledge that it's not in your power to fix it for her?

Recently I found out she has two reckless Court that require a lawyer otherwise she runs the risk of getting her license suspended. She has no money to pay for that and that's another burden for me.
Or she looses her license and loose her job. or I will be stuck driving her around. She has no respect towards me and she blames me for every single little thing that happens to her. She doesn't  take accountability for her actions and doesn't realize how serious this situation is.
She doesn't live with me and I refuse to live with her. If she looses her license her job is at risk and her living situation as well. Also she got a really bad driving record. like 8 tickets for different driving offenses.

It's probably a good thing that the two of you are living separately. I hear the dread of "do I have to drive her to work, then, if she loses her license?"

Maybe there is a way you can support her within your limits, that is not enabling her (rescuing her, digging her out of her own holes, paying for her legal issues, etc).

In fact, we have a workshop on "Are You Supporting or Enabling?" that could be a helpful read right now.

My brainstorm thoughts are this:

Enabling (overfunctioning) might look like: selecting a lawyer for her, paying for her lawyer, driving her around, buying her a car, telling her "it's not her fault", calling her job for her to explain the situation, trying to cheer her up, trying to make her feel better, etc

Supporting (healthy limits) might look like: agreeing with her that it is a stressful situation, wishing her the best in court, buying her a bus pass, buying her a helmet and used bicycle, asking if she would like you to sit in court with her, asking her if she would like you to give her job opening leads, commenting that even though it may be scary you are confident she will find a way through the difficulties

What do you think about the difference?

What do you think it'd be like to move towards supporting her healthily, vs enabling her?

[BIRD86]

Kell76.
Thank you for your response and subjections.
I know I am enabling her.
I have been working on that myself and doing therapy.

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

I’ve been there, seeing self-sabotage at every turn, and especially after someone else made an investment or big sacrifice for her benefit. It’s hard feeling so desperate, that no matter what you do, she’s bound to destroy it.

My gut reaction to your post is to wonder, is getting a licence suspended really that bad?  It’s not like she’s spending time in jail. Millions of people don’t have a license, let alone a car. I’d say, getting a license suspended is a clear consequence to her behavior, and she won’t learn unless she faces natural consequences. Let her face them. In the meantime, she could walk, carpool, bike, Uber or take public transportation. Driving a car is a huge responsibility, and she might not be ready for that yet. I’ve often wondered, if pwBPD are so emotionally unstable, should they be behind the wheel anyway?  Not having a license is not the end of the world. Whose car is she driving anyway?  Maybe she needs to buy one herself, and to do that, she’d need to hold a job and save up for one. That’s how most people get a car, typically a used one at first. If she bought her own car, I bet she’d be much more careful with it.

My advice to you would be not to do anything about the license situation. Your daughter is an adult, and she’s old enough to figure it out. If you want to support her, maybe you offer to accompany her to court, to help take notes on what the judge says.

Look, your daughter might kick and scream and say it’s impossible to work without a car. Unless she’s a delivery person, that is not true. She may need to find a job that’s near public transportation, or find a car pool, or work near where you work to share a ride with you. If the job options near you are few, then she might move in with roommates in a city center. There are all sorts of possible solutions. Let her choose. If she’s immature and a little clueless like my BPD stepdaughter, you might offer advice, when she asks for it, and when she’s not dysregulated. There are moments that come up. For example, she might say, I’m sick of living here, I want to live in ABC. That’s when you might say, that sounds interesting, what sort of job would you get?  To sigh a lease for an apartment, a landlord needs to see proof of income.  Have you been scoping out jobs and living situations? I think it’s important to sound curious and interested in her musings. See what she says and does.  At some point she’ll probably need all sorts of help with a resume, job search, apartment hunt, etc. But the key difference is that she’s the « driver, » not you. You are supportive, but not doing everything for her.

[BIRD86]

CC43

Thank you for the Advice I need to hear it.
My daughter pays foe her car installments but is under my name. So far she has been responsible with her job and paying the car in time. She works 25 minutes away from where she lives and the public transportation here is very bad.

She will have to find a job closer to home if she looses her license.
I will let her figure it out this time. I'm tired of this situation. Thank you for the feedback Iappreciate it

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

I'm glad I could lend a little perspective.  My stepdaughter has BPD and also struggles with adulting.  Recently she had to change her rooming situation, and she was looking at an apartment that doesn't allow pets, but she wanted to keep her cat.  At first, she asked me to take it.  I didn't want it, because I'm allergic.  My husband wanted us to take it anyway, so that his daughter could rent the apartment she wanted.  We argued, but I insisted--it's her cat, let her find a solution (that doesn't involve us taking a cat we don't want).  Of course, us taking her cat would have been the easiest solution from her perspective.  But when she heard "no," she began to explore different solutions:  giving it to a friend, or finding a different rooming situation that would let her keep the cat.  Even though the FIRST possible rooming situation wouldn't permit cats, she kept looking, because she was motivated to keep her cat.  Sure enough, eventually she found an apartment that would let her keep the cat, and which was within her budget.

The moral is, when it's not a life-or-death situation, sometimes stepping back is absolutely the right thing to do and might lead to a good outcome.  If you don't step back, the easiest solution (from your daughter's perspective) is typically for YOU to solve your daughter's problem.  But if you give her a little time and space, and some encouragement, and maybe some possibilities, then she might very well solve the problem.  You might be surprised.  And voila, she becomes more independent and starts to build her confidence.

Maybe your daughter will decide that having a car is too much trouble right now, between car payments, insurance, tickets and court appearances.  Maybe she finds employment closer to home and saves money on the car payments and insurance.  The money saved is enough to cover some Ubers, and she might have even more savings at the end of the day.  Wouldn't that be a good outcome?  Or maybe the court allows your daughter to keep her license, as long as she takes (and passes) an educational program for drivers like her.  Maybe she learns the rules of the road that she's forgotten or didn't learn the first time.  That would be a positive outcome, too.  And there are probably dozens of different potential outcomes that don't involve you solving your daughter's problem for her.

All my best to you.

[BIRD86]

CC43 You are right let her figure it out hopefully everything will turn out for the best.
And she lean her lesson. I will just give it to god.

Thank you so much for sharing your story It helps and give me some perspective in this situation.

[Sancho]

Hi Bird86
I have had a similar year especially in relation to legal matters and I think it is not a straightforward matter of enabling because of how the consequences of each option affect YOU. Sometimes it seems I am enabling my DD but I often make choices based on how something will affect me in the longrun.

I wonder if this is an opportunity to get a diagnosis?

The reason is that my DD has many driving offences and the last time she appeared she was given a three month suspended sentence. She then had a different charge that could have activated the sentence.

DD has always wanted her mates to go to court with her - and I never argued differently. However this time she wanted me involved and we got legal aid - don't know if you can get that where you are? It is a free legal service if the charge carries the possibility of a goal sentence.

Anyway I was with her when she met the lawyer and I wrote out a page stating who I was and that DD had been diagnosed with BPD and her history of emotional dysregulation and how it was difficult for her etc etc. Just a page.

Anyway the lawyer took copies and gave one to the judge and one to the prosecution. The judge gave DD a good behaviour for 6 mths bond for that offence.

Anyway DD had one more charge that still had to come before the court - this one was a driving one but not in the same category as the one that drew the suspended sentence.

Anyway 2 days before it was listed the lawyer rang to say the prosecution had dropped the charges. I am pretty sure having my document on their file was the reason for this.

Your laws may have options in relation to someone being ordered to get a mental health assessment etc.

I am just of the opinion that involving a lawyer at this point in time might  be very useful. If your DD is really anxious about this legal matter she may also be open to looking into getting a diagnosis. It does sound like she could be high functioning BPD and it is so important to keep the job, keep the living arrangement etc, keep driving.

I don't know what the laws are where you are, but here, for the past few years, BPD can be taken into account in relation to legal matter.

I have been a nervous wreck this year in relation to all these legal matters and how they could impact on both DD and myself. I appreciate the nightmare you are in!

[BIRD86]

Sancho,
Thank you so much for Sharing your story. I’m glad I was able to hear everyone stories and learn.
I have decided to help her out with half of the money for the lawyer. Even tho I asked to please seak help professionally for her mental health but she refuses to do it and is convinced her behavior is normal. It breaks my heart to see her suffering this painful illness. She had threaten suicide again and right now I am struggling myself to cope with this awful feeling and agony of seen her this way. My heart is broken and I wish I could hug her and make it better and make her illness disappear. I know no matter how much I tell her I love her and hugs won’t cure anything and won’t make it better. She wants to live with me and is pushing the only boundary I have implanted which is not living together because the relationship is so damage and I stress to much when we lived together I was under a lot of pressure and fear. She swears she will be better but I know she won’t she lies all the time and uses Marijuana and won’t follow any rules. I have hope maybe one day all this will disappear and she will be cure and we can be together. I pray every single day. I feel so much guilt. My daughters everything to me and she only has me to lean on. Is a hard struggle right now. I am choosing my happiness and to stay with my husband and live my life as normal as possible. My husband is fed up with the situation and doesn’t want anything to do with her. He’s not her dad so is hard for him to understand and unfortunately doesn’t have the same feeling as a real dad would in this situation.