So overwhelmed

[onetiredmomma]

My daughter turns 17 this month. She was in RTC for 55 days and when she got home her behaviors escalated which I did not even think was possible. She was home for 7 days and I had to wake up every hour in the middle of the night every night as she was taking unknown substances from people in Partial Hospitalization. Luckily she did not take anything life threatening. She is violent, hateful, manipulative, has caught STD's from casual sex and is addicted to alcohol and marijuana. She is back in the mental health hospital and was finally, after many many psychiatrists, alluding to it, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is going back to RTC on Monday. It is the coming home part I am so worried about. She is a beautiful, kind, funny, girl underneath this all but I just do not know how to get her to take ownership for her mental health. She can charm the pants off any therapist or psychiatrist even when they say they can tell when they are being manipulated. At this point she could teach DBT. I just can't seem to get her to use the skills when she is in my care. Her younger siblings are traumatized by all the chaos. I guess I am just terrified (mostly for her), exhausted, overwhelmed and trying to figure out how to be a better parent for her as the clock to 18 countdown begins. Any advice on how to get our whole family through this in one piece is so appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi onetiredmomma
Your situation is truly exhausting - and you must also feel very sad. You don't give specific details but the overview you give is a picture of being on constant high alert - and you have younger children too!

I am not sure what RTC is?

At the moment DD is back in hospital - then back to RTC? So there is a bit of a break to at least get some sleep and to catch up with the younger ones to see how they are going.

I have read your post a few times, trying to think of possible suggestions. Your DD is just nearly 17, which can be a difficult age in any case, but put BPD in the mix . . .

You are clearly a mom who is focused on the best interests of your children. In spite of all the chaos, the sleepless nights etc you are fearful mainly for your daughter and you are so keen to know what you can do over these next 12 months.

I can remember when my DD was that age - and the years before 17 - when I was desperate to find the key to 'fix' things for her so that she could find her way in the world. I didn't really prepare myself for the long haul - until I came here and read others' posts.

I am sorry that I don't have a key for you. I can only suggest you take this time to prepare for the long haul. By this I mean to find answers to the many questions that are there at the moment, such as how do you protect your own health and the health of your other children - both physical and mental health (I notice your DD is violent).

Do you have any support people such as a counsellor/therapist for yourself/your other children? A family counsellor?
Do you have a plan in place if/when DD becomes violent?

Apart from these plans I think it is important to look at the anxiety we experience because we feel we are totally responsible to 'fix it' - especially when our child is just a teenager. I think we need to 'flip' things so that we see ourselves as a support - but we can't do it for another. The 3 C's were my lifeline and I repeated the mantra whenever I felt the anxiety starting to take hold.

I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it.

I think it's important for siblings to know the 3 C's too, because sometimes they can feel overwhelmed and wanting to 'make things better'.

On my journey I found that the most important thing was my mental state and how I was going to respond in a variety of situations.

Your DD has a positive side that could help her to function well in the future - but getting through these next few years will be challenging. I hope you can find ways to make sure you and your other children are protected and nurtured during that time.

Sending thoughts . . .

[onetiredmomma]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. RTC is residential treatment. She will be there for at least 2 months. Thank you for the 3 C's idea. it sounds great. I think the hardest part is the screaming and stealing. I feel like a horrible parent that we can all actual breathe when she is not in the house.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, there. 

Welcome to BPD Family. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with your daughter. My 16 year old daughter is also in a RTC and we don't have a discharge date yet. She was hospitalized for serious self harm.

I can totally understand that you are apprehensive about what will happen when she returns home. It sounds like she does fine within the structure of RTC but cannot maintain stability on her own outside the facility, even with supports.

Do you have family sessions with her therapist or treatment team at the RTC? Have they put her on any medication?

[CC43]

Hi Momma,

Boy I feel for you.  Residential treatment for that long indicates that your daughter probably needs extensive help.

My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD in her early 20s, and she also experienced a mix of hospital and residential stays, but generally for shorter periods than your daughter.  What I can say is that marijuana made her behaviors and symptoms much, much worse, including delusions, paranoia, low motivation and extremely disordered thinking.  While she thought she was self-medicating, she was truly harming herself.  Things didn't really start to turn around for her until she quit marijuana.  She had to hear from "experts" (i.e. her doctors) that marijuana was making her worse before she quit.

In a way, my stepdaughter sounds a bit like yours.  She's beautiful and smart.  When she was in residential care, her doctors would report that she was thriving.  Yet I think her attitude was to "go along" with treatment so she could be discharged as soon as possible.  Upon her release, and with the slightest challenge or disappointment, she would quickly regress to her old ways (quitting everything, acting out, isolating and consuming pot).  Worst of all, she clung to a very negative victim attitude, which made her think that everyone else was against her, and responsible for all her woes.  This meant that she thought herself powerless and hopeless, and that everyone else had to change, not her!  This persisted for a few years.  Unfortunately, she had to hit bottom before she decided to really commit to therapy and start looking forward again.  I guess what I'm saying is that therapy will only work if the patient does the work, because therapy IS work.

Anyway, as I've said on this forum on previous occasions, it helps me to think of BPD as an emotional handicap, and because I'm drawn to numbers, I think that BPD makes my stepdaughter's emotional age to be only about 70% of her chronological age.  So at 17, she was in effect about 12 years old in terms of emotional development (think impatience, distress intolerance, hair-trigger anger and sadness, high entitlement, unrealistic expectations, impulsivity/short-term thinking, tantrums).  At 21, when she was thrust into a complex adult world, she was only about 15 in terms of emotional sophistication and control.  And at 30, I suspect her emotional brain will fully mature and that she'll cope more like a 21-year-old.  This gives me some hope that she'll continue to mature, learn to control her emotions better and improve her planning and executive functioning skills.

I really feel for you because life from day to day can seem full of strife and hopelessness.  I hope you don't lose hope.  All my best to you.