False accusations

[Furry ball]

Hello everyone,

I have an older sister with uBPD. I have been very low contact with her, which recently turned into no contact. Our dad died a few months ago and her behaviour in the days surrounding his death was so appalling that I decided I couldn’t stand talking to her anymore. My dad’s death has brought a lot of grief but also uncovered deep imbalances in the family dynamics. He was a strong presence, my mum relied on him for many things and she hid behind him for difficult talks and decisions. Both of them were huge enablers of my sister’s behaviour and scapegoated me for not wanting to be in touch with her but my dad at least listened to my perspective and had some degree of awareness. My mum is 100% codependent with my sister. Now that my dad is not there anymore, they have morphed even closer together. They talk on Skype every day for hours (they live in different countries) and my mum believes every single thing my sis says as if it were gospel.

Now things became more complicated recently because my mum was facing health problems. I was there a few days ago with my partner to visit her and support her (we also live in a different country) and she unfortunately received a cancer diagnosis. One day after the news and the night before my partner and I would leave to go home, my mum said she wants to talk to me. The things she said were horrific and shocking.
Earlier I had asked for access to her email because she is not good with technology and she never remembers her password, and I thought now with her bad health it might be good to know how to access it. She started by saying to me that I want to control her and I want to read her conversations.  She said that when my dad died and she went to collect the body from the hospital, I was going through the bank accounts to check how much money there is for me. She said the bank told her that someone logged in at that specific time. She also involved my partner in this, that he somehow is a gold digger or something and wants to have control of the accounts. Needless to say I did not log in the account. I was trying to pull myself together and was answering calls from people who were asking about the funeral. I could barely keep it together. I don't care about their money and haven't asked them for money ever.

She said more and more. She accused me of changing the codes to the bank accounts and she couldn't get in. My mum has no idea how to log in to her bank account and I offered many times to show her and she didn't want to. She said my partner's behaviour during my dad's final days was unacceptable. All he did was drive us everywhere and try to help while putting up with my sister's behaviour.

She even said I didn't want them to come to our wedding and she really wanted to come and I said no. I was encouraging her to come but it was right after Covid and she was scared to travel and leave my dad alone. She is re writing history there too.

There was much more that I don't have the energy to repeat here but all out of the BPD playbook. It came as a huge shock to me as I had never suspected that my mum would have BPD traits. I had sensed some anger and resentment from her during my last two visits but I thought maybe it was the mourning or she is angry about the lack of contact with my sister. I couldn’t imagine the depth of the problem. Of course a lot of this is coming from my sister’s side: the unfounded crazy accusations that are so ridiculous that can be easily be proven wrong are her specialty and she is fuming that I don’t allow myself to be her target anymore. Ever since I went no contact with her, she is feeding my mum lies and slanders, which my mum does not question. It is heartbreaking.

I don’t know how to react to all this. I told my mum on the spot that she’s got it all wrong and her perspective is false and twisted, and defended myself and my partner, but I know there is no point in going into a circular argument with her. I still want to support her during this difficult time while maintaining some distance, which is a tricky balance to achieve. She behaves as if the conversation never happened and talks to me everyday as normal. Is it worth bringing up the conversation one more time just to tell her that what she said was really hurtful and unfair? The pretence is driving me crazy but I don’t want to rehash things, just to state that she hurt me and that things are not the same. Or should I dilute my calls without saying anything? Do I let any other relatives know about this? They are all in denial about my sister so I am not sure if they would understand the situation. My therapist suggested I write a letter to her that I don’t necessarily have to send, just to put my thoughts together and vent.

Any advice welcome. This all happened a few days ago and I am still processing.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can relate in part with what you're going through.  A death in the family not only involves sadness, but lots of stress and an upheaval of the status quo in family dynamics.  Your BPD sister is likely acting out, triggered by the grief and extra stress.  And it's likely that your mom, if she doesn't have BPD, might have some BPD traits that are exacerbated by the feelings of loss, abandonment, stress and change.  Add a cancer diagnosis to that and she's clearly in acute distress.  Thus it's no surprise to me that your mom and sister might "bond," and/or mirror each other, and/or share some similar (negative) thinking patterns.  The mom of my BPD stepdaughter has a high-conflict, emotionally reactive, volatile personality.  The two of them together is an especially volatile mix, prone to eruptions.

In my family, my sister and my mom tend to "bond" like your sister and mom over conflicts and perceived slights.  Indeed they seem to have a co-dependent relationship, as they relish re-hashing details of every little perceived conflict, sometimes for hours a day on the phone.  I wouldn't say that they have BPD, but the mini-trauma-bonding is definitely present, and has been going on for years.  I think my sister is the one with the somewhat disordered thinking--she has extremely high expectations of others, and when others invariably disappoint her (like being a few minutes late, or not including a salutation in an email), she feels put upon and doesn't easily let it go.  My mom loves to listen to my sister's grievances, because she gets attention that way, and so she tends to reinforce my sister's somewhat skewed, aggrieved world view.  If they had BPD, I imagine that this behavior would be an order of magnitude more extreme.  And I bet that's what is going on with your sister and mom right now--they are mutually feeding off of each other and trauma-bonding.  When the two of them are in their own world, their behavior might not be bothersome to others, but during moments of familial stress and togetherness (weddings, funerals, holidays, reunions . . . ), it seems more evident to everyone.

Like your mom, my mom is a recent widow, and she shares many of the issues you describe--needing help with financial accounts and technology especially.  I didn't realize the extent of her neediness until I stayed with her in her home for a few days to help her with my ailing father, who historically handled the bulk of household finances and technology.  During my visits, I spent several days fixing various technology issues (upgrading a mobile phone, installing protective software on computers and backing them up, fixing the cable TV, programming a new garage door opener, connecting her mobile phone to her car, downloading the car navigation system, etc.), and I have spent many, many more days since managing her affairs.  An example is that my mom had never updated her phone's software since she purchased it ten years ago, and she hadn't saved any of her cherished pictures taken with that phone.  A key difference though is that she and I have a great relationship, and she trusts me.  Initially, her attitude was to offload all the technology and most of the bill-paying and financial management to me, as dealing with sickness and death was a huge burden.  However, in the last couple of months, I have said to her, you really need to learn this, so you don't have to call me for help on routine transactions.  I've gradually taught her how to do mobile banking and BillPay online.  She's not the quickest learner, as she has a steep learning curve (she had never balanced a checkbook before), but my attitude is that she MUST and CAN learn.  For example, I made her establish online accounts and create new passwords, and I had her write them down in pencil in her notebook.  I ensured that SHE created the passwords and the SHE wrote them down and not me, in an effort to make her take "ownership."  And I'm very happy to say that she's doing a lot more on her own right now.  She's in her late 70s, and she can now check her account balances online, do mobile check deposits and pay some bills online--which is easier, safer and faster than writing out checks and mailing them.  Of course she still needs help, and I'm happy to give it--but for routine transactions, I'm insisting that she learn how to do them, because it's right for both of us right now.  But I confess, I need a double dose of patience when trying to explain things to her, and I've snapped a couple of times when it seems she's not really trying to learn.  She needed an attitude adjustment, too.  Like, it's not OK to cut a large check without first confirming she has enough money in her account to cover it.  She'd say, "I never had to do that before, your dad always put money in the account."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a LOT going on with your mom right now, and that if she has BPD traits or tendencies, they are likely to emerge.  I think there's not much to be gained by challenging your mom's twisted version of events, because she became unhinged after experiencing traumatic events.  I think that when pwBPD (or pwBPD traits) are acting out, their emotional brain takes over, and the logical brain shuts down, so they don't really mean what they are saying, and they certainly can't listen to someone else or process what someone else is saying in any logical way.  Rather, they are deflecting or projecting their very real pain (of loss, abandonment, fear, frustration, disappointment, etc.) onto you, and blaming you in the process.  If you need to keep your distance for a time to heal your own wounds, then I would recommend that.  But your mom is probably very needy right now, and you might feel you have to check in soon.  If it seems like she's forgotten the horrible things she's accused you of, then great--I wouldn't bring it up again.  You might end up triggering her, invalidating her or re-hashing very negative thoughts.  If things go back go to "normal" and stay that way, maybe you try to forget the episode, which was triggered by overwhelming sadness, fear and stress.  Think of it as a fight or flight response, and your mom chose to fight with you.

And my other message is, these life transitions take time.  A lot can happen in a year or two.  Your mom probably needs you more than ever.  Try not to take her "episode" personally--that was trauma talking.  I know it's easier said than done.  Look, death and a serious sickness can derail anyone.  Your mom has experienced both in under a year.  That's really tough for her AND for you.  I think you both should have some leeway for strong emotions and reactions.  The tougher things get, the more you need to focus on self-care, however that looks for you.  For me, it's eating right, getting daily exercise and getting enough sleep.  All my best to you.