Struggling to come to terms with losing a bpd partner

[Kadan]

I broke up with my girlfriend who has bpd 2 days ago and I'm crushed. She's a wonderful, successful person and I loved her and miss her a lot. Contributing to it though was all the usual bpd things (pull/push, splitting, projection, gaslighting, hyperfixating on my mistakes, etc.), she also has a lot of issues with men in general, having come from the Mormon church where male dominance is a real issue. I think a lot of what she put me through came from these mysandric feelings, and it was further exacerbated by alcohol abuse which would often cause things to spiral into late night fights which would often be rather crude. I tried really hard to prove my love for her, and show that men aren't all bad, but in the end it was all for naught. Regardless, I'm really missing her. I thought I'd found the one... I've not really spoken to her aside from a couple txts about collecting my stuff, but I'd be lying if I said a big part of me didn't wish to have her come back to me, tell me again how sorry she was for everything, that she misses me and wants to make it work. Trouble is, the logical part of my brain  knows it would probably be a bad idea. I could really use some help if anyone here has any advice? I'm battling not to question myself a lot after all the bad (and even not so bad) things she accused me of, and as a further note, I've almost completed a year of not drinking myself, but this is seriously tempting me to take a trip to the store just to numb the pain a little

[ShowingUp4me]

Stay strong, you’ve got this. If you can get through the first few weeks you’ll start to see glimmers of hope from the other side. Maybe start doing some things for you again to try to empower yourself and feel good that way you aren’t thinking about reaching out or worse yet falling back into drinking (if you are happy and wanting to stay sober).

[seekingtheway]

Hi there Kadan,

Welcome to the board, we're glad you're here to share your story, and hope you'll stick around to be supported by others who have been through something similar.

First things first, it sounds like you're going through the gut-wrenching feelings that come with a breakup. It's really hard, but there is an element of just hanging in there for that part. It can help to have one or two crutches while you're in that kind of pain, although alcohol isn't a great one, especially if you've already made a commitment to yourself to stay away from that one - is there anything else you could choose that would be a go-to action when you're struggling? Writing here, journalling, going for a run, calling a friend - that kind of thing?

I think there are so many of us here who understand fully when you say, 'I thought I found the one'. This seems to be such a common thread in a relationship with someone with BPD. Like we have finally found our soul mate. And it's absolutely crushing to have to accept that it's not actually our person. And let go of the idea of a future with that person, and then letting them go entirely. It's such a process. And many of us get stuck in on/off relationships at the end, as the push and pull keeps going, and we struggle to let go of this vision we have in our head. Reality bites in this scenario, and you're going to need to be really gentle with yourself as you move through this.

I'm an ex-Mormon, so I can understand some of what you're saying here about there being layers of difficulty in the way she relates to men, based on this part of her history. If she decided to leave the church at any point, she may also be feeling the effects of being rejected/not accepted by her community, which would heighten and perpetuate any fear of abandonment that she has.

Feel free to share some more of your story - it really can help to write it down and realise that there are many others who do understand and have shared a similar experience.