Does BPD usually lesson or intensify as one ages?

[Healthy88]

Hi All,

Just wondering if anyone who has been in a r/s with someone with BPD long-term has any insight into this? Since my uBPD H's father died (I believe the main trigger for his wanting to separate this time), his thinking appears to be more distorted than I ever noticed before across all areas... .including finances and work, which is starting to concern me.

I never realized before how much I possibly guided and anchored him because he fought me the whole time about everything. Now that we are separated again, and I am starting to regain my mind somewhat, I am beginning to see that H has painted me black and doesn't want my advice. Yet, his thoughts seem even less rational than before. I guess in the past, he earned the money and I kind of managed it and we were fairly successful that way together. Now, that I am out of the equation in his mind, I am beginning to wonder if he is going to financially ruin us and quit or get fired from his job.

We still need to make some long-term living and financial decisions together since we plan to remain married. I have no energy left to fight with him and am just listening, but not much of what he is saying makes any logical financial sense.

If he was just going to ruin our financial future that would be one thing, but we have children. I spent 20 years trying to build a future for them with their father and fear it may all soon be crashing down. I am doing my best to just listen right now and try to figure out where his mind is. I can tell he has given it zero thought during this past year since he left.

My dreams are pretty much over, I am accepting that the best I can. He works hard and earns the money so I would love for him to be happy with the outcome of his decisions, which I also know he may never be. He has already thrown the kids' traditional family away (my fault of course), but I am really struggling with him throwing away their future as well. It looks like it may be 100% about him from here on out and I may not be able to reason with him at all anymore. I am wondering if this will continue to get even worse as he ages? I keep trying to do my best to work with him for the sake of the kids.

H88

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bananas2]

H88 - My heart goes out to you. I relate to your quote that your "dreams are pretty much over." I wish I had answers for you, but best I can do right now is let you know you are not alone in that sentiment. The grieving of lost dreams has been particularly hard for me, as I'm sure it is for you.

I've been told by a couple of psychologists that BPD behaviors actually DO lessen as one ages. I hope that is true. My BPD Hub is 50+ but we've only been together for 5 yrs, so IDK.

Wishing you happiness & hope.

[Healthy88]

Thanks bananas2,

Sorry, you are going through something similar.

Patiently building your dreams over years, only to achieve them and then watch them all fall apart is incredibly hard. Had he not worn me down in the process, I would have kept it all together for the kids. Our marriage may never had been wonderful, but I was willing to accept 2/3 of my life goals and a decent future for the kids. After all, a gal can't have everything!

H is over 50 too, but kids are still fairly young. He is just starting to talk to me about it all again, as I am getting stronger. We need to start with taxes & take it one day at a time. I haven't entirely given up on his reasoning ability, but things aren't sounding great at the moment. Maybe, I can patiently still turn it all around? Only time will tell. I just don't want to end up hating him for being so sick and selfish. I just keep praying it will all work out for the best somehow. I don't disagree that living separately may be the healthiest thing for us right now since, he doesn't recognize his issues and has told me he will never change.

I am just trying to listen and validate all of his feelings that I can right now. Maybe as we talk it through, he will see it doesn't make much sense. I don't know. After all, he can tell me he hates me in one breath and literally ask me if I might be up for a family vacation in the next. What? Really?

I have to admit the separation is allowing me to finally get stronger and see things for what they are without being sucked in so much emotionally. I feel more like his mother than a wife. If the situation wasn't so sadly crazy, I would have to laugh at the insanity of it all. Somehow, I am finding the strength to smile and laugh more at the bizarreness of my own life since figuring out he has uBPD and finding this group. Just have to be careful not to laugh in front of him because he would never understand what all I am laughing at.

[Healthy88]

I don't know how many would agree, but according to this article there is hope as they age, especially in the area of impulsivity. It is a little encouraging and maybe I just need to hold on a little longer. The impulsivity is the trait that I find hardest to live with. I have gotten used to the selfishness and insensitivity. Never knowing what he is about to do causes me great stress, however.

https://www.verywell.com/why-do-BPD-symptoms-decline-with-age-425211

[bananas2]

H88 -
Interesting article. Thanks for sharing it. 
I've noticed in past year or so, my hub's impulsive behaviors have decreased, but I imagine that has more to do with him starting his medication (low-dose Cymbalta) and less with getting older.
Although his impulsive actions are fewer, his impulsive speech remains the same. I agree with the part of the article that talks about simply having less energy with older age, so say, running off to the casino in the middle of night happens less often, but impulsively yelling threats remains just as frequent.
Absolutely agree with you that the impulsivity is the hardest trait for non's to live with. The stress of the constant uncertainty really takes its toll.

BTW - I love your username. Very positive. Stay healthy! 

[Duped 1]

Interesting-

I thought I had read somewhere that menopause actually makes it worse. My exGF (44) seemed to be getting worse as her kids aged and almost seemed to be getting desparate as one is already out of the house and another is about to graduate from high school. She will then have one 14 year old left but I know she is absolutely dreading them moving out and leaving her alone and she commonly would say she was put on this earth to be a wife and mother and desperately wants to be married but she is struggling because she treats her partners like absolute crap and then blames them for everything.

[Healthy88]

I think H is in such a deep, dark place that he doesn't care about anything anymore. I think he feels he hates me so much that he will just stick it to me to prove a point and the kids by default. I think he is beginning to put the train wreck, I have tried to avoid for 20 years, into action and there isn't much I can do, but sit back and watch.

I like your user name too bananas2! Interesting you mentioned Cymbalta. I have tried it before and it wasn't helpful to me, but thought it might work wonders for H, as he seems to battle depression too like yours. H lately has been complaining of so many physical aches and pains that I thought Cymbalta may really help him with everything. Cymbalta is a bear to come off of, though.

My H is trying Omega3s right now and they did seem to be helping him when he was taking twice the amount I suggested and before he added Aswaganda into the mix. He also has not been on them for 3-4 months yet so it is a little early to tell. I do think he is sticking with them. I just hope they start to kick in before we have to make some decisions together.

[Healthy88]

Duped1,

Interesting comment about your ex. I can maybe see how men could improve in male menopause with lower levels of testosterone, where women could struggle more with changing hormones. Especially, in her case with children leaving home, triggering adbandoment fears.

[Healthy88]

Just read in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", that BPD supposedly lessons in age with or without treatment. They sited serveral different explanations, but the main one was they mellow out and can't keep functioning at their frantic pace so the impulsivity and mood swings usually lesson. Also, said they can learn to love and have r/s in healthier ways. I guess only time will tell.

[Jessica84]

Just read in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", that BPD supposedly lessons in age with or without treatment. They sited serveral different explanations, but the main one was they mellow out and can't keep functioning at their frantic pace so the impulsivity and mood swings usually lesson. Also, said they can learn to love and have r/s in healthier ways. I guess only time will tell.

Sounds about right. My bf is 60 now, we've been dating 7 years - his symptoms have definitely lessened over time, especially the reckless impulsive ones (drinking, gambling, overspending, excessive flirting). He rarely does any of this anymore - doesn't seem to enjoy it.

The toxic cursing and screaming have slowed way down too, and his thinking is less erratic, more rational. He now plays things out in his head to their conclusion. Like when he thinks about taking a spontaneous trip to a casino - he starts thinking of the long exhausting drive, the gas and mileage on his car, cost of hotel and eating out, the possible hangover, loss of money - then decides he'd rather stay home and watch a movie.    Huge progress from a few years ago when NONE of this ever crossed his mind! If I dared mention any of it, I was being 'negative'... .so if/when anything went wrong (like him making stupid bets then not having enough to pay his rent), it was MY fault.

But I think there are other contributing factors at play: his fatigue due to lower levels of testosterone, finding the right combo of meds, and more empathy/validation from me. Fewer arguments gave him fewer reasons to "escape". I also like to believe it is possible that he finally learned some hard lessons from his past about life in the fast lane! Maybe, just maybe he had to face some harsh realities? The drinking caused him to make really bad decisions, and his body couldn't tolerate alcohol as well as when he was younger. The flirting and breakups nearly destroyed our r/s. The gambling and amount of money he spent trying to impress other people nearly bankrupted him. The BPD is still there, but maybe with age, time, wisdom/insight?, and meds, the symptoms are at least less severe.