I want our relationship to work but don't want to spend the rest of my live feeling disrespected and unappreciated.
i hear you.
a really good place to start would be with the "surviving confrontation and disrespect" part of the lessons here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347836.msg13133028#msg13133028I try not to take anything personal because she always tells me that's just how she feels in the moment.
having thick skin will help. having perspective will help. having realistic expectations; all helpful.
the disrespect and insults, relationship threats, left unchecked, will not only erode your (anyones) self esteem, but the relationship.
you mentioned that she explains its just how she feels in the moment when she says these things, so i gather that its a thing that has come up for discussion?
in general, you want to use those opportunities: times of calm, regular relationship check in kind of stuff, to try to nip that sort of thing in the bud. it wont be easy. the problem didnt start over night and wont be solved over night, it has become a part of the dynamic of your relationship in a multi-faceted way, and i suspect this is behavior that shes displayed in other relationships. its what she knows, and in a sense, it works for her.
but ideally, you want to, in essence, model that there are better, healthier ways (positive reinforcement), and that your relationship is better than the insults and the threats. it takes a long time to build trust and a sense of relationship security, and there will always be challenges, but it can be done.
Sometimes I didn't understand but tried to hear her
hearing (listening) will get you everywhere.
the thing about people with bpd traits, and insecure attachment styles, is that they tend to communicate their needs, but they go about it in dysfunctional, and often counter-productive ways. they also intuitively understand real limits.
She says at the gym I don't pay attention to her.
for example, this is clearly a bid for attention of some sort. whether its really about what takes place or not at the gym, im not sure. what type of attention exactly (whether she wants you to literally ogle her in the gym), im not sure. shes also threatening you with other male attention; thats something she learned a long time ago.
did you try asking her? its a natural tendency to want to counter an accusation with facts to the contrary, but it tends to miss the point. often times, asking/listening is not only easier, is generally validating, and, while its important to note that if she were better at communicating her needs clearly she already would have done so, the more you listen, the more likely you are to get clues and be able to hone in - read between the lines of the distortions.
im mostly speaking in generalities here, about a couple of the specifics in your OP, to give you an idea. this is really more of a lifestyle change, and a multi-faceted approach, that you build slowly over time, with the goal of building a validating environment, trust, and relationship security. for example, constructive relationship talks, but also time outs when/if needed, identifying where we might be reinforcing negative behavior, theres a lot to it.
i would recommend grabbing a copy of both stop caretaking the borderline, and loving someone with bpd to get a broader sense of this multi-faceted approach. the former speaks mostly to that "reinforcing negative behavior" part, and the latter is about building that validating environment.
