Communication after 3 years

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,
like my title says my ex girfriend just came back into my life in October. She proceeded to disappear for a month in November and just texted me once again in December saying she had relapsed, but is back now. This is something I’ve hoped would happen in my heart the entire time of no contact but since it’s happened I can’t help but feel a sinking feeling in my gut and a nasty pit in my stomach. She says she misses me, told me i’m still handsome, told me i’m the best person she’s ever met in all aspects, and has told me i’m the only person she regrets losing. Of course i’m flattered and glad to hear she missed me as well, however I can’t really trust people anymore and I can’t help but feel as though its a farce. Another issue i’ve been trying to navigate is the fact that she tells me she has no phone, which I genuinely have a hard time believing and I’m 80% sure she does have a phone. She texts me from an iPad but tells me she’d talk to me all day if she had a phone. She messages me sporadically and never for more than like 10 minutes at a time and can disappear for a day or two. Another issue I ran into today was her texting me saying her mom is back in jail and sent me two pics of her mothers mugshots but her mom had different color hair in each photo. I also looked up recent arrests in the county and her mother was not on any of the lists Basically i’m torn. I loved her more than anyone i’ve ever known and my heart wants nothing more than for us to be apart of each other’s lives again, but my gut tells me she is playing a game with me, and selling me lies. I really don’t have it in me to be hurt again, I’ve never really been the same since the first time and I’ve been feeling a pit in my stomach and on edge since.I was just wondering if anyone would have some insight on my situation, it's causing me a lot of mental strife wondering if I should see where this goes or try and cut loose.

[whoboyboyy]

Hey guys,
like my title says my ex girfriend just came back into my life in October. She proceeded to disappear for a month in November and just texted me once again in December saying she had relapsed, but is back now. This is something I’ve hoped would happen in my heart the entire time of no contact but since it’s happened I can’t help but feel a sinking feeling in my gut and a nasty pit in my stomach. She says she misses me, told me i’m still handsome, told me i’m the best person she’s ever met in all aspects, and has told me i’m the only person she regrets losing. Of course i’m flattered and glad to hear she missed me as well, however I can’t really trust people anymore and I can’t help but feel as though its a farce. Another issue i’ve been trying to navigate is the fact that she tells me she has no phone, which I genuinely have a hard time believing and I’m 80% sure she does have a phone. She texts me from an iPad but tells me she’d talk to me all day if she had a phone. She messages me sporadically and never for more than like 10 minutes at a time and can disappear for a day or two. Another issue I ran into today was her texting me saying her mom is back in jail and sent me two pics of her mothers mugshots but her mom had different color hair in each photo. I also looked up recent arrests in the county and her mother was not on any of the lists Basically i’m torn. I loved her more than anyone i’ve ever known and my heart wants nothing more than for us to be apart of each other’s lives again, but my gut tells me she is playing a game with me, and selling me lies. I really don’t have it in me to be hurt again, I’ve never really been the same since the first time and I’ve been feeling a pit in my stomach and on edge since.I was just wondering if anyone would have some insight on my situation, it's causing me a lot of mental strife wondering if I should see where this goes or try and cut loose.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

can you clarify for us a bit. are the two of you officially back together? has there been any discussion of that happening?

do i have it right that there was no communication for three years until this october, and youve had inconsistent contact since?

[whoboyboyy]

No, we aren't in a relationship at the moment, nor have we talked about it, she's only said she misses me, regrets losing me, and that I was the best person she's known in every aspect.

And yes, We haven't spoken in three years until October and it has been inconsistent, she disappeared for a month and has taken days to reply before, but recently has been messaging more.

I do feel as though she's playing games with me so I've just tried to remain stoic and act like nothing has bothered me.

[once removed]

okay, got it.

are you interested in reconciling? because thats going to make a difference.

she doesnt really sound like someone who can offer very much to a relationship right now, romantic or otherwise. she sounds like shes in a messy, and preoccupied headspace, whether the things shes telling you are true or not.

so i think in terms of your suspicions and your distrust, it probably wouldnt be wise to pursue more than that, at this time.

with that said, if you simply want her in your life, i dont see a reason that she cant be, or that what youre suspicious of is particularly dangerous, depending on the nature of your relationship, and your investment in it.

one of my best and closest friends pretty regularly makes up whole adventures he supposedly had with girls back when we were in school. i know hes lying. our friend group knows hes lying. we dont know why he does it.

given the nature of our friendship, its weird, but it isnt really an issue. the lies dont hurt anyone. it isnt something he does generally.

you seem to have the feeling that shes lying about all sorts of things. shes flighty. disappears. pops up and comes back.

i just dont think you need to know more than shes not capable, at least right now, of offering you something deep, be it a friendship or otherwise. if youre okay with things the way they are, without expecting them to become more, i dont see a problem with that. basically, a very low expectations kind of thing.

my gut tells me she is playing a game with me, and selling me lies

is she asking you for money, favors, or any kind of support?

[whoboyboyy]

I appreciate your input, I do think we've reconciled as we both apologized and expressed regrets in how we were in the past. I suppose it just hurts my feelings that she keeps lying to me and I feel as though i'm being kept on her shelf to say. I suppose I will keep expectations low and try not to let myself be hurt.

No she hasn't asked me for money or anything yet but I've spent a lot on her in the past and I can see her asking for something in the future.

[once removed]

it just hurts my feelings that she keeps lying to me and I feel as though i'm being kept on her shelf to say. I suppose I will keep expectations low and try not to let myself be hurt.

picture someone you know, whom you like personally, but isnt close to you. maybe more than an acquaintance, but not much more.

it wouldnt hurt you if they lied to you. you wouldnt feel as though they were keeping you on a shelf. you wouldnt have those expectations, it would just be the nature of the relationship, right? you enjoy it, but you dont really invest in it.

thats what i mean by lower expectations: see it for what it is. if you are expecting a close, deep, or particularly rewarding relationship, it doesnt seem like shes in a place where shes very capable of that. if you expect more than what shes capable of, thats likely to lead to hurt. its also just very rare for ex romantic partners to have that kind of friendship.

if you can enjoy it for what it is, no more, no less, theres really nothing different to do.

[CanBuild91]

Hi whoboyboyy,

Your story interests me a lot. In some ways you’re living my dream, back in touch with your ex after 3 years NC, as I am 2 years NC and would give anything to be able to talk to my ex again, but you also seem to have a lot of self awareness about the possibility that your ex is playing games and that you could get hurt again. The pit in your stomach, I relate to that so much.

From the outside looking in, it appears that your ex is seeking some kind of validation by confirming that you’re still there and perhaps available to her. It’s great that she’s apologized for her part and said that she misses you, but she also isn’t showing with actions that she wants to make this work again, since she keeps disappearing. My hope for you, if you want to reconcile, is that she’s just skittish and can eventually feel comfortable enough to lay a new foundation. If that’s what you want.

May I ask, since it seems you are on a somewhat similar journey, but a step again of me, at a step I hope comes — how did it end? What is a bitter breakup? Who broke up with whom? Were there attempts to reconcile before or during the NC? Did she ever paint you black, blame you for everything, vilify you?

[whoboyboyy]

Hey, firstly thank you for taking the time to reply brother.

Like you, I have been also hoping for her to come back in the past 3 years. However, her return has brought me a lot of anxiety as I've done a lot of introspection and I recognize this behavior from the end of our relationship so I am cautious as to not allow myself to get hurt again and or lose my composure. I would say it's a blessing and a curse, I'm glad she's back and I do hope we can try again though I know that it would be a risky dance. Hopefully she is just being skittish but she is also struggling with addiction problems right now so I doubt she's in the headspace for something healthy I suppose.

To answer your question : It ended awfully, genuinely dreadful. 3 years ago she was living with me at the time. We got into too many fights and eventually she couldn't stay with me because we were living with my parents at the time. Anyways, she had no where to stay back home, mind you she lived in another state which brings even more challenges, but one only 2 hours away. She told me she was staying with her aunt, but I found out she was living with a different ex. She claimed it was either that or sleep on a bench but I lost it and started spiraling and instead of leaving like a normal person would I became extremely obsessed and codependent over her and what was happening. She stopped really talking to me or telling me what was going on in her life and we felt like peers and not lovers. Similar to how she is acting now. Another guy she was talking too ended up dming me online trying to fight me which also sent me spiraling. This culminated in her and I hanging out one more time but it went terribly I lost my cool and we argued all night. I said a lot of things I regret but I guess I couldn't take it anymore and that was the last time I saw her. Neither of us ever actually broke up with each other which also had my mind in a race. She completely vilified me, claiming I only used her for sex which was completely untrue. I still have never loved someone as much as her. I was the villain, painted black, blamed for everything and she kind of ignored or brushed off what she did to me.

Sorry for the novel. I empathize with you, and I understand your sentiment. I always wanted the day to come where she was back in my life but I am already obsessing over her and needing to keep myself in check because I recognize she is lying to me so freely once again, about her phone and claiming her mother is in jail when she isn't. I suppose your ex may be different but my advice to you is to keep your guard up if you two talk again. I love this girl and missed what she brought into my life, but after experiencing the worst heartbreak of my life that I could never even move on from I realize I need to protect my own heart, and watch my own back.

[CanBuild91]

Do you love her, or do you love her in kind of a caretaker way? I ask because my ex has serious problems like yours, different ones, but some pretty bad issues personally and within her family. I too feel like I love my ex like I’ve never loved anybody else, BUT the more I think about it, the more I wonder if my love is rooted in a desire to save her. That’s definitely part of love, wanting the best for somebody, but it’s not the only part, and I do wonder if what keeps me so attached is this compulsion to help/save/fix rather than genuine admiration for her as a complete person. She’s a wounded bird I want to care for. I’m curious if it’s the same for you.

How did your ex come back into your life? Random text testing the waters before launching into how she misses you?

[whoboyboyy]

I would say I love her as a person. I wouldn't consider myself a caretaker. However, I am also a bit jaded I have dated more than one girl with BPD so I guess the want to save someone is lost on me, I can't even save myself it seems.

So when she came back into my life she unblocked me and followed me on instagram, she DM'd me and said hello and then didn't reply so I looked up her name and saw she had made a new account. Foolishly, I was the one who then dm'd her new account and I told her I missed her and couldnt stop thinking about her, which she reciprocated and we then talked on the phone.

Unfortunately, I believe just found out this morning that she blocked my number as there is no delivered under the chat bubbles. I am really torn apart and coping the only way I know which isn't good for me. I didn't expect her to act like she missed me and regrets losing me just to block me again but more the fool me I suppose. I know you want your ex to come back, and I hope she does and you can be happy again. I would still recommend protecting yourself though, I'm hurting bad when I don't even have to be.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand you're torn and you pine for the good times with your ex, but I'm a big believer in following a gut feeling.  I mean, you're trying to rationalize reconnecting with her, possibly hoping that she has changed and is ready for a healthy relationship.  Since she's so intense, you yearn having that deep connection with someone.  Intellectually, you think you both might be ready to attempt a relationship once again.  After all, with time, people tend to emphasize the good memories, and discount the ugly ones.  But your gut is telling you, watch out, you don't trust her, and she can hurt you.  She ghosts you with no rational explanation--healthy adults just don't do that.  She says she doesn't have a phone, which is highly unlikely.  I bet you've experienced dozens of her little, medium and big lies.  Maybe you can't prove that she lies, but that's what your gut is telling you she does.  Your gut doesn't need proof, because it can sense deception.  It can also sense creepiness, and threats, and danger, even if you can't pinpoint exactly why from an intellectual standpoint.  Your Spidey sense is picking up on the potential for imminent harm.  Don't ignore your visceral reactions, you need to protect yourself.  Maybe that means avoiding her, or maybe that means you correspond with her, but only from a distance.  I'd say, follow what your gut tells you to do.  Good luck.

[whoboyboyy]

Absolutely, thank you for replying. Since we've been apart I've learned to trust my gut and follow my intuition. It's almost paranormal the warnings you get from within. I've messed up today I gave in and told her I feel she's playing with me. I suppose I should have trusted myself but when it comes to her all logic is out the window. She blocked me and now I am more torn than I was. I suppose I should have ignored her when she came back but I missed her terribly.

[CanBuild91]

Wow, kind of similar to something that happened to me. We’ve been in NC since our very ugly breakup 2 years ago EXCEPT I got a text from her 11 months after our breakup seeming to break the ice. I nearly fell to the floor when I saw it. I figured we’d be going on a walk and reconciling by the end of the weekend. But when I went to text back my text didn’t go through because I was still blocked, and have been ever since. I don’t know if she was trying to playing a game or whether she felt earnest nostalgia and then got scared and retreated again, but the resiot was me remaining completely stuck on this girl, and hoping that there there will be another text someday, and more steps forward. It’s always been the battle of the heart and the brain. Like you, my brain and gut tell me this isn’t right and never was, but the heart…

[whoboyboyy]

I agree man, my brain knows better but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I ignore the evil she's done just because I loved her. Maybe we should just focus on ourselves. It's so hard.

[CanBuild91]

So much easier said than done, the classic “focus on yourself.” No relationship has ever left me in such a spiral, of nonstop rumination. I think these BPD relationships are uniquely maddening, with all the contradictions, and the high highs which turn out to be mirages.

You mention your ex’s “evil” but I’m curious if you really mean that because my ex did quite a few cruel things but I don’t think she’s evil by any means. I think she’s just a traumatized person, who learned the wrong kind of love in her family, and who is just trying to feel safe and run from danger, and test people out to figure out if they’re safe, but in doing so acts in a way that is very hurtful.

Also, are there things you regret from your relationship? Part of what has kept me so stuck is regret. My ex acted badly but so did I, and the “what ifs” are tough, feeling like “if I just did this or that differently...if we just had one more shot…”

[Under The Bridge]

I sympathise totally; it certainly doesn't sound as though she knows what she wants and that is a huge red flag. She may have contacted you just to see if you're still available should she have no other options. Do you know if she was seeing anyone else during the last three years? BPD's don't like being alone so it seems likely she would have been. Possibly this relationship has now ended or is having the inevitable problems and she's looking for other options - and sadly that's how they can see us ex-partners; purely as another option to avoid being by themselves.

To contact you after 3 years, knowing it will give you hope of rekindling the relationship, then blocking you after you've responded is showing that her BPD is still there - which of course we all know as without professional help it will always be there. The same cycle will repeat once the initial 'new start' idealisation phase ends.

I agree with all the advice given, that you should be very cautious if you do want to try to get back with her. Definitely trust your gut feeling and go by actions, not words.

Also, try and continue your life as though she never messaged; do all the things you've been doing these past three years to stay mentally and physically healthy and at this stage don't attach huge importance to her re-appearance in your life - especially as she seems to be playing the same games she did in the past.

You need to be seeing some serious, positive actions from her that show she has genuine intent before you risk being drawn in again for a repeat of the past and undo the work you've done on yourself this past three years.

I think we can all relate to Caleb91's comment of 'if we just had one more shot' - I gave it many shots before eventually realising that mo matter how many shots I gave it, the outcome would always be the same as, though we can acknowledge our mistakes and change, the BPD can do neither.

[whoboyboyy]

Yes she's been in a few relationships since I believe, and she dates men who are much older than us. One in his 30s once late 20s while the both of us are early 20s. I believe she blocked me yesterday so I've been spiraling a bit. I send her two messages and tried to facetime her to see if I was really blocked. I told her it was nice to talk to her again even if it was for a little bit but I am very embarassed at myself. I gave in and let myself get far too excited and attached already.

[whoboyboyy]

Yeah Caleb,

Sometimes I wish I could do things differently. I was much younger when we dated and I feel I've both grown a lot but I also feel like I haven't grown much at the same time considering how badly I have been reacting to her returning after so long. The what if's are tough as well, but I promise you feeling regret after any relationship ends isn't exclusive to BPD relationships. I've fallen out with people who don't have the disorder and I regret my actions all the same. Everything seems like a better idea in hindsight

[CanBuild91]

Totally, there's regret after every breakup for sure. For some reason though I find the regret worse after my last BPD breakup. I don't know if it's because I was in somewhat of a caretaker role, so there's more guilt involved. Or because the way they smear and vilify naturally makes us focus on our own shortcomings, whether real or imagined. Or because the BPD relationship was always such a game -- kind of like that claw game where you try to pick something up with the claw but it falls before you can ever get it out. It's so addictive. 

Don't beat yourself up too much for how you reacted to her texts. First I begged and groveled after our breakup, humiliating myself, and then when I got that one text from her almost a year after our breakup, I did the same thing, getting so excited and sending three emails when I realized that I was still blocked and couldn't text back. The emails didn't work but I can't say I regret them because what else was I supposed to do? I think showing that I was still there for her and ready to work on us is the only honest thing I could have done. "Make her chase" or "don't give her the validation" which is what some people advised is just more gameplaying. All I can do is be honest and hope that one day she's healthy enough to accept it.