Hi RevScot, glad you found us, and
Definitely a difficult situation you're coming from. Your description of the blurred lines in "counseling" with you, your wife, and your boss/friend/counselor, really hits home -- briefly, long ago, when my H and his kids' mom were together and having marriage problems, they asked H's then-best friend to "help them". The best friend ended up suggesting to H that divorce "wasn't a big deal", didn't help them resolve their issues, and got engaged to the kids' mom ~3 months after the divorce was final. Blurry boundaries do seem to come with the territory, and can be stressful -- and you're not alone in being in that kind of situation, where you're trying to get your marriage healthier, but something isn't right. Really gut-wrenching stuff.
Just a few questions to get a better sense of what you're coping with:
how long have the two of you been married?
how long ago did the "counseling" end?
how old are your kids, and how do they seem to be doing with stuff? Are they homeschooled?
is the "counselor" still your boss?
does your W use violence at all (throwing things -- whether at a person or not; breaking things; hitting; spitting; punching; driving unsafely; etc)?
...
This is a lot to juggle:
Since then it has been a real struggle keeping our marriage together. These are some of the things I'm trying to manage on a regular basis: name calling, put downs, extreme emotional reactions, taking blame for everything negative while not receiving credit for anything positive, she can't connect on an emotional level, she can't stand any type of physical touch, physical intimacy happens 1-2x/yr despite my efforts, constant unfair accusations.
What would you say is your #1 priority that you want to address, or have be "less bad"?
What has it looked like so far, when you try to "manage" these things? I.e., do you say something, do something, say certain things, leave the house, try to reason with her, reference a book or plan, try to have a conversation...?
Knowing what you've tried so far can help us understand what new, different (and often unintuitive) paths forward might be effective in your situation.
...
This is the first interaction I've had with any type of support group. I'm not really sure what to expect here, but appreciate being able to express some of these things.
Just getting it all out there "on paper" can be huge.
You can share how you're feeling and what you're struggling with, research new tools and approaches and ask questions about how they work, share moments of success, learn from others, reply to other members, and just relax knowing that you're in a community where people really, really get it about what you're living through.
Fill us in on more of your story, whenever works best for you;
kells76