Comorbidities, medications and the role they play

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Did any of your ex partners have other diagnosed mental health issues as well?

Mine had adhd, anxiety, depression, chronic nausea, chronic migraines. All were medicated. She also highly enjoyed using THC edibles which I don't think made things better given what ive read about interactions and all possibly causing psychosis and other issues. 

I felt bad for her but I also hated how I'd weaponize it at times. Sometimes I reacted so badly. And said mean things and I do regret that. But when you're blamed for it, and it's just not true, I just get defensive more than I should.

"youre the one with all these mental health issues. I know for a fact I didn't say that. I'm not crazy. I was just in this argument with you".  - after being gaslit

"You can't just treat me like PLEASE READ for no reason, then blame your trauma. You said you weren't abused, molested, rped, nothing. I dont get it. Whats yourexcuse to do these things?!" - after a rage out of nowhere and being told how inadequate i am as a partner...when i was praised to all heavens the day before.

"Everytime you have a problem you can't just request more medications. A pill isn't going to fix you.  Work on your problems!" - she wanted me to fill out the partner questionnaire when she wanted adhd medication.  I answered truthfully and it upset her that I didn't mark everything at its highest scale.

I ask because I continue to play out every scenario. No one is perfect and I never disliked her for any of her diagnoses. I did as much as I possibly could. Massaged her head almost nightly hoping to prevent migraines. Massaged her jaw for her TMJ. Ask her if she took her pills. Held her close all night when she felt lonely. I'm not perfect at all, but dang it I did everything I thought necessary.

I miss her so much. But I dont miss being yelled at, or the surprise 11pm "can we talk?", or the rage and insults. I dont miss me being baited into an argument and then responding cruely and out of character.

It seems these medical issues are becoming more and more common now. I imagine my next partner will have at least one of these diagnoses.

How can someone successfully navigate bouts of rage or insults? I've walked away, which only works sometimes and the next time you're accused of dismissing them or being selfish or not caring. I've talked calmly, it goes on for hours and ends in a rage. I defend myself with facts, that's the worst response. In these past few years I've noticed there is no pattern and while something is totally OK today,  tomorrow it's the worst thing ever.

Is there no real answer?

[Me88]

Did any of your ex partners have other diagnosed mental health issues as well?

Mine had adhd, anxiety, depression, chronic nausea, chronic migraines. All were medicated. She also highly enjoyed using THC edibles which I don't think made things better given what ive read about interactions and all possibly causing psychosis and other issues. 

I felt bad for her but I also hated how I'd weaponize it at times. Sometimes I reacted so badly. And said mean things and I do regret that. But when you're blamed for it, and it's just not true, I just get defensive more than I should.

"youre the one with all these mental health issues. I know for a fact I didn't say that. I'm not crazy. I was just in this argument with you".  - after being gaslit

"You can't just treat me like PLEASE READ for no reason, then blame your trauma. You said you weren't abused, molested, rped, nothing. I dont get it. Whats yourexcuse to do these things?!" - after a rage out of nowhere and being told how inadequate i am as a partner...when i was praised to all heavens the day before.

"Everytime you have a problem you can't just request more medications. A pill isn't going to fix you.  Work on your problems!" - she wanted me to fill out the partner questionnaire when she wanted adhd medication.  I answered truthfully and it upset her that I didn't mark everything at its highest scale.

I ask because I continue to play out every scenario. No one is perfect and I never disliked her for any of her diagnoses. I did as much as I possibly could. Massaged her head almost nightly hoping to prevent migraines. Massaged her jaw for her TMJ. Ask her if she took her pills. Held her close all night when she felt lonely. I'm not perfect at all, but dang it I did everything I thought necessary.

I miss her so much. But I dont miss being yelled at, or the surprise 11pm "can we talk?", or the rage and insults. I dont miss me being baited into an argument and then responding cruely and out of character.

It seems these medical issues are becoming more and more common now. I imagine my next partner will have at least one of these diagnoses.

How can someone successfully navigate bouts of rage or insults? I've walked away, which only works sometimes and the next time you're accused of dismissing them or being selfish or not caring. I've talked calmly, it goes on for hours and ends in a rage. I defend myself with facts, that's the worst response. In these past few years I've noticed there is no pattern and while something is totally OK today,  tomorrow it's the worst thing ever.

Is there no real answer?

[EyesUp]

@Me88, welcome.

Short answer:  Yes.

In my experience, my uBPDxw was diagnosed and treated for depression and anxiety at various points, as well as chronic migraines.  She saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, and took various meds such as prozac for many years.  She was also a frequent flyer at the ER for various concerns from migraines to heart palpitations - consistently without an acute diagnosis or admission...

My observation was that the meds had little durable benefit, although there were periods where it seemed like she felt better.

Over the years, her ER visits tapered a bit - I don't think she liked the bills that came later... (this was before we were married).

Her hypochondria was partially replaced by working out, which really did improve her mental as well as physical health - although it was like an addiction that often came ahead of anything else in her priority list and could lead to grumpiness or worse if the schedule was disrupted (predictably on holidays, etc). 

In regard to rages/insults - it may help to learn about setting boundaries, BIFF communication, and how to avoid invalidating your partner's feelings (however unintentionally) by JADE'ing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)...   

The various skills taught here can benefit any relationship, so well worth studying - whether to improve a current relationship, understand a past relationship, or prepare to be a better communicator and partner in the future - with or without BPD in the mix.

Hope this helps!   

[HoratioX]

My ex was diagnosed with three different mental health issues (that I know of) by three different therapists (that I know of):  anxiety, CPTSD, and BPD (though technically, the therapist wrote "suspected" on the diagnosis summary I saw). She also had ADHD.

For these, my ex was prescribed a host of medications, ranging from oxy painkillers to antidepressants (different kinds) to anti-schizophrenia medication, which she said were for seizures or pseudo-seizures.

If she missed a dose of any of these medications, her personality could change significantly -- she could be calm, for instance, and then suddenly become irritable or even combative. But it was never clear if this was from the medications or simply functions of her various illnesses.

In addition to cigarettes, she also drank and partook of marijuana from time to time. Usually, these substances evened out her behaviors, but sometimes she'd get paranoid or out of control. She broke up with me (only to fairly quickly change her mind) more than once after getting high, for example.

I suspect but have no proof that my ex also had comorbid narcissism and sociopathy issues. While she was generally good-natured and even kind, she could just as easily lie and cheat, and she could manipulate people without any obvious signs of guilt. Because she said she had memory issues, she would also claim she had no recollection of some of the hurtful things she did in this regard. But every once in a while, she'd slip, and it was obvious her memories weren't quite so fuzzy.

Part of the fog of being involved with someone who has a profound mental illness or personality disorder is that because they so often are on multiple medications, it's challenging to determine how much of their behavior is under their control, out of their control, or a side effect of the medication.

As a result, the medications can also alter their mental stability. It can even cause them to exhibit behaviors that mimic other mental illnesses -- or merely bring the barriers down for them to conceal such. Much gets confusing. For instance, how much is the medication versus excuses.