Comorbidities, medications and the role they play

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Did any of your ex partners have other diagnosed mental health issues as well?

Mine had adhd, anxiety, depression, chronic nausea, chronic migraines. All were medicated. She also highly enjoyed using THC edibles which I don't think made things better given what ive read about interactions and all possibly causing psychosis and other issues. 

I felt bad for her but I also hated how I'd weaponize it at times. Sometimes I reacted so badly. And said mean things and I do regret that. But when you're blamed for it, and it's just not true, I just get defensive more than I should.

"youre the one with all these mental health issues. I know for a fact I didn't say that. I'm not crazy. I was just in this argument with you".  - after being gaslit

"You can't just treat me like PLEASE READ for no reason, then blame your trauma. You said you weren't abused, molested, rped, nothing. I dont get it. Whats yourexcuse to do these things?!" - after a rage out of nowhere and being told how inadequate i am as a partner...when i was praised to all heavens the day before.

"Everytime you have a problem you can't just request more medications. A pill isn't going to fix you.  Work on your problems!" - she wanted me to fill out the partner questionnaire when she wanted adhd medication.  I answered truthfully and it upset her that I didn't mark everything at its highest scale.

I ask because I continue to play out every scenario. No one is perfect and I never disliked her for any of her diagnoses. I did as much as I possibly could. Massaged her head almost nightly hoping to prevent migraines. Massaged her jaw for her TMJ. Ask her if she took her pills. Held her close all night when she felt lonely. I'm not perfect at all, but dang it I did everything I thought necessary.

I miss her so much. But I dont miss being yelled at, or the surprise 11pm "can we talk?", or the rage and insults. I dont miss me being baited into an argument and then responding cruely and out of character.

It seems these medical issues are becoming more and more common now. I imagine my next partner will have at least one of these diagnoses.

How can someone successfully navigate bouts of rage or insults? I've walked away, which only works sometimes and the next time you're accused of dismissing them or being selfish or not caring. I've talked calmly, it goes on for hours and ends in a rage. I defend myself with facts, that's the worst response. In these past few years I've noticed there is no pattern and while something is totally OK today,  tomorrow it's the worst thing ever.

Is there no real answer?

[Me88]

Did any of your ex partners have other diagnosed mental health issues as well?

Mine had adhd, anxiety, depression, chronic nausea, chronic migraines. All were medicated. She also highly enjoyed using THC edibles which I don't think made things better given what ive read about interactions and all possibly causing psychosis and other issues. 

I felt bad for her but I also hated how I'd weaponize it at times. Sometimes I reacted so badly. And said mean things and I do regret that. But when you're blamed for it, and it's just not true, I just get defensive more than I should.

"youre the one with all these mental health issues. I know for a fact I didn't say that. I'm not crazy. I was just in this argument with you".  - after being gaslit

"You can't just treat me like PLEASE READ for no reason, then blame your trauma. You said you weren't abused, molested, rped, nothing. I dont get it. Whats yourexcuse to do these things?!" - after a rage out of nowhere and being told how inadequate i am as a partner...when i was praised to all heavens the day before.

"Everytime you have a problem you can't just request more medications. A pill isn't going to fix you.  Work on your problems!" - she wanted me to fill out the partner questionnaire when she wanted adhd medication.  I answered truthfully and it upset her that I didn't mark everything at its highest scale.

I ask because I continue to play out every scenario. No one is perfect and I never disliked her for any of her diagnoses. I did as much as I possibly could. Massaged her head almost nightly hoping to prevent migraines. Massaged her jaw for her TMJ. Ask her if she took her pills. Held her close all night when she felt lonely. I'm not perfect at all, but dang it I did everything I thought necessary.

I miss her so much. But I dont miss being yelled at, or the surprise 11pm "can we talk?", or the rage and insults. I dont miss me being baited into an argument and then responding cruely and out of character.

It seems these medical issues are becoming more and more common now. I imagine my next partner will have at least one of these diagnoses.

How can someone successfully navigate bouts of rage or insults? I've walked away, which only works sometimes and the next time you're accused of dismissing them or being selfish or not caring. I've talked calmly, it goes on for hours and ends in a rage. I defend myself with facts, that's the worst response. In these past few years I've noticed there is no pattern and while something is totally OK today,  tomorrow it's the worst thing ever.

Is there no real answer?

[EyesUp]

@Me88, welcome.

Short answer:  Yes.

In my experience, my uBPDxw was diagnosed and treated for depression and anxiety at various points, as well as chronic migraines.  She saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, and took various meds such as prozac for many years.  She was also a frequent flyer at the ER for various concerns from migraines to heart palpitations - consistently without an acute diagnosis or admission...

My observation was that the meds had little durable benefit, although there were periods where it seemed like she felt better.

Over the years, her ER visits tapered a bit - I don't think she liked the bills that came later... (this was before we were married).

Her hypochondria was partially replaced by working out, which really did improve her mental as well as physical health - although it was like an addiction that often came ahead of anything else in her priority list and could lead to grumpiness or worse if the schedule was disrupted (predictably on holidays, etc). 

In regard to rages/insults - it may help to learn about setting boundaries, BIFF communication, and how to avoid invalidating your partner's feelings (however unintentionally) by JADE'ing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)...   

The various skills taught here can benefit any relationship, so well worth studying - whether to improve a current relationship, understand a past relationship, or prepare to be a better communicator and partner in the future - with or without BPD in the mix.

Hope this helps!   

[HoratioX]

My ex was diagnosed with three different mental health issues (that I know of) by three different therapists (that I know of):  anxiety, CPTSD, and BPD (though technically, the therapist wrote "suspected" on the diagnosis summary I saw). She also had ADHD.

For these, my ex was prescribed a host of medications, ranging from oxy painkillers to antidepressants (different kinds) to anti-schizophrenia medication, which she said were for seizures or pseudo-seizures.

If she missed a dose of any of these medications, her personality could change significantly -- she could be calm, for instance, and then suddenly become irritable or even combative. But it was never clear if this was from the medications or simply functions of her various illnesses.

In addition to cigarettes, she also drank and partook of marijuana from time to time. Usually, these substances evened out her behaviors, but sometimes she'd get paranoid or out of control. She broke up with me (only to fairly quickly change her mind) more than once after getting high, for example.

I suspect but have no proof that my ex also had comorbid narcissism and sociopathy issues. While she was generally good-natured and even kind, she could just as easily lie and cheat, and she could manipulate people without any obvious signs of guilt. Because she said she had memory issues, she would also claim she had no recollection of some of the hurtful things she did in this regard. But every once in a while, she'd slip, and it was obvious her memories weren't quite so fuzzy.

Part of the fog of being involved with someone who has a profound mental illness or personality disorder is that because they so often are on multiple medications, it's challenging to determine how much of their behavior is under their control, out of their control, or a side effect of the medication.

As a result, the medications can also alter their mental stability. It can even cause them to exhibit behaviors that mimic other mental illnesses -- or merely bring the barriers down for them to conceal such. Much gets confusing. For instance, how much is the medication versus excuses. 

[M033]

Hello Me88,

Where are more men like you? I think my generation was messed up from being latch-key kids. 1970's..

I've read a few of your posts. I am 3 weeks in after the break-up. I did have a very long marriage that ended 3 years before I met my now ,Ex Partner.

My marriage was tumultuous to say the least. After 20 years, I sought out therapy to decide what I wanted, and how to protect my son. I did not know what was not right with my Husband at that time, I was very much like you, I wanted him to be happy, but mostly at peace. I doted on him.He was never really nice to me, and he was push and pull at 1st, but then just plain confusingly mean and angry most of the time.Life went by way too fast and I felt like I was in constant survival mode, and too embarrassed to let the outside world truly know what I was feeling and going through.The long story short on my marriage is, that he came to a couple sessions with my therapist. Since mine, was not his therapist, he was never formally diagnosed, but I was told he was BPD , NPD, and had dark triad attributes. He also drank and did drugs without me knowing for years.

I learned a lot about myself, and I became more independent, stronger than I thought I could be, learned more than I ever expected due to being pushed over one too many figural mountains by him, and found a lot of self love to stand on to make it through.

28 years total ( 3 trying to get him to sign divorce papers).Three years later, I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. We spoke by phone for 3 months before meeting face to face. Our conversations were effortless and we had so much in common (or so I thought).He said he was diagnosed with
 some anxiety , but handles it himself with no prescription.

He started out joyful, full of life, Funny, and engaging. Early on, (about 2 months in), he started to have a few red flags of calling me a lot (way too much -at all hours and on the job), Then he got upset ( Really angry-swearing and all ) that I didn't answer the phone the 1st time he called while I was at work. I broke up with him.

He called and texts quite a bit about how sorry he was and said he didn't think he drank as much as he did that night and it was a fluke. He said wonderful things ,(of course).

 I finally met with him for a walk and asked him if he was ever diagnosed with anything besides anxiety. He stated that his Ex Wife , who is a therapist, had him see another therapist who misdiagnosed him with schizophrenia and medicated him, which really screwed him up, and he quit taking the medication. Both of us could see that he was not schizophrenic at any point. I asked him if perhaps he may be on the spectrum of BPD because I believe that I probably could have been diagnosed as a child and teen as a vulnerable BPD and he may be on the opposite spectrum than what I was. I explained that I was thrown into life early on, and I had to survive, so I couldn't be vulnerable and shy. I had to survive.

He actually said he could definitely see that; to my surprise. I said labels don't hold someone in place , it just clarifies what needs to be worked on. I said I would work on being more patient and speak up if I felt our relationship needed upkeep or change whether it was on my end or his and not wait until I was crying ( which was still an issue of mine), and he said he would work on his clinginess and angry snapping.

Happy once more, we started anew. He was great, He and I had relapses, but quickly regained the relationship back to steadiness.

He wanted to move closer to me . I own a house , and he rented. We were an hour apart. My son was just moving out of the house, so we decided to have my partner move in. I figured if he rented close by, he would be at my house 95% of the time anyway, and mortgage sharing was a good idea.

He started to act out the closer and closer it came to him moving in. I was worried, but thought his anxiety was kicking in and I wanted to be patient and supportive. He moved in and it was good for the 1st 3 months or so.  But unfortunately, he started to get clingy and jealous. He called me all the time, if I was out at the store or at work. He wanted to know if I spoke to anyone on a daily basis. He was tense a lot, but he would also be amazing and funny, and good hearted in between. I did discuss the issues I had , but he just said he couldn't help it. I pleaded with him to try.

Sex was amazing the 1st few months , but then he needed constant validation in all sorts of ways. He set up unrealistic hoops for me to jump through to prove my love to the point I was worn and constantly explaining myself. Then he was angry because, he thought, missing sex when I was worn down from his angry outbursts and his unkind words was not acceptable. He figured I owed him that. I was not happy with that type of outlook and said that he needed to show and give respect to me with kind words and to not suffocate me by trying to control all aspects of my life. I needed space to be an individual. He did not like this at all. He would do mean passive aggressive behaviors by messing up any household projects I would be doing, or picking and trying to start fights especially when I was off to work, in between work, out with friends or family, or holidays.

It then got into my tone of voice, my inflections, my eye movements, my body language, and even my thoughts that he thought he could read. It was horrible. It was exhausting. I gained cortisone weight of 30 pounds in 2 years and lost all excitement for life and hobbies. I was in survival mode once again.

He played rough sometimes and close to Thanksgiving last year, he yanked my arm behind me twice and re-injured an old injury he knew I had. Then a bee stung me on that side in my lymph node and I got sepsis in the muscles. I was bed ridden for a month. He took care of me, but it was robotic. ( No love in it) I had time to think ,and have space and peace during this time. I decided that after X-Mas I would talk to him. I asked him to either go to counseling with me or without me or we needed to end the relationship. He was not going to do counseling-"F" that!!! "

I lost 15 pounds bedridden, just by having rest and peace.

He was a rollercoaster of conflicting words and actions. He was full of both love, hatred and blame. He turned mean , but moved out in a weeks time. He tried  playing a few "games" by push/pull texts and coming back for some more things he left behind.He still has a few things to come get. ( That makes me feel in limbo and unsettled because he is so disregulated with highs and lows -mean and soft with little rational sense). He ran around the house with a hand gun , saying there were "meth heads" in our yard , peeking in our windows. I believe to scare me and want him to stay to "protect me". He cooked me breakfast and asked me to watch movies with him on the couch before he moved out. He sat closer to me than he had in months. He was sweeter than he had been in months, he wanted to fix things for me in the house etc... I told him to please not cook or fix things for me, I didn't want him to feel I used him in any way.

When he knew I was serious about ending the relationship, he was just plain mean, nasty, abusive in actions and words. Anything he could do to emotionally to hurt me ,he did. He was like a 6 foot tall child, with temper tantrums, but scarier. He wanted me to pay him money back for money he put into house fixes and other things. He said I used him, and I wasn't the person he thought I was. Anything to try and get an emotional response from me. I stayed numb. I was exhausted and just done.

 I found out from his Ex wife that he was actually diagnosed BPD and NPD 20+ years ago. He has moved in and out with women and his now adult daughters are leery of their relationship with him due to his ups and downs and bad relationships.Thus, he lied to me. I also believe he was cheating on me towards the end and contacting women on porn sites. ( Story will be even longer if I detail that part)

Funny thing is: I too still cry and miss the fun loving, funny , good hearted him. But I remind myself that I've gained peace, saved my health, got my freedom of individuality back ,and I have hope once again to be excited about life and move forward instead of being in toxic chaos.

I wish you a prosperous, healthy new year and a wonderful lady to grace your presence one day.

 Im going to abide by: Any 1st impressions in the 1st month of dating someone, from mannerisms, words, and demeanor - multiply it  X10 and thats most likely the real them. So small red flags or little odd signs are what they show during their "Good Behavior". Their "Bad Behaviors", will be multiplied in strength.

[Under The Bridge]

It wasn't until a long time after my ex split with me that I found out about BPD and realised she fitted the criteria near perfectly. Until then I'd just assumed she had a nasty streak in her which made her look for trouble any way she could.  I'm still not convinced that everything she did was down to her BPD though - I think even without it she'd have been a handful and would have had relationship problems with her attitude towards everyone, including partners, friends and family.

She drank a lot when we were out and was often drunk, though never 'fighting' drunk, just drunk enough to be argumentative and confrontational and I'm sure she was like this anyway, irrespective of having BPD. People have other problems and having BPD magnifies these problems hugely.

I'm definitely not convinced that BPD sufferers are totally unaware of their actions, I think they remember far more than they admit.. but of course due to their BPD they are unable to publicly admit to anything, even if they may know full well they've done wrong.

MO33 - regarding 1st impressions on dates, when I'm in a cafe on a first date, I often pour my tea into the saucer, blow on it to cool it then slurp it noisily.  This is a great test to see if your prospective partner has a sense of humour.

..if they then pour their own tea into the saucer and join you, they're a keeper

[M033]

Under The Bridge:

Cute... MighTea cute. (I'm smiling and laughing-Thanx!)

[M033]

Hello Me88,

Where are more men like you? I think my generation was messed up from being latch-key kids. 1970's..

I've read a few of your posts. I am 3 weeks in after the break-up. I did have a very long marriage that ended 3 years before I met my now ,Ex Partner.

My marriage was tumultuous to say the least. After 20 years, I sought out therapy to decide what I wanted, and how to protect my son. I did not know what was not right with my Husband at that time, I was very much like you, I wanted him to be happy, but mostly at peace. I doted on him.He was never really nice to me, and he was push and pull at 1st, but then just plain confusingly mean and angry most of the time.Life went by way too fast and I felt like I was in constant survival mode, and too embarrassed to let the outside world truly know what I was feeling and going through.The long story short on my marriage is, that he came to a couple sessions with my therapist. Since mine, was not his therapist, he was never formally diagnosed, but I was told he was BPD , NPD, and had dark triad attributes. He also drank and did drugs without me knowing for years.

I learned a lot about myself, and I became more independent, stronger than I thought I could be, learned more than I ever expected due to being pushed over one too many figural mountains by him, and found a lot of self love to stand on to make it through.

28 years total ( 3 trying to get him to sign divorce papers).Three years later, I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. We spoke by phone for 3 months before meeting face to face. Our conversations were effortless and we had so much in common (or so I thought).He said he was diagnosed with
 some anxiety , but handles it himself with no prescription.

He started out joyful, full of life, Funny, and engaging. Early on, (about 2 months in), he started to have a few red flags of calling me a lot (way too much -at all hours and on the job), Then he got upset ( Really angry-swearing and all ) that I didn't answer the phone the 1st time he called while I was at work. I broke up with him.

He called and texts quite a bit about how sorry he was and said he didn't think he drank as much as he did that night and it was a fluke. He said wonderful things ,(of course).

 I finally met with him for a walk and asked him if he was ever diagnosed with anything besides anxiety. He stated that his Ex Wife , who is a therapist, had him see another therapist who misdiagnosed him with schizophrenia and medicated him, which really screwed him up, and he quit taking the medication. Both of us could see that he was not schizophrenic at any point. I asked him if perhaps he may be on the spectrum of BPD because I believe that I probably could have been diagnosed as a child and teen as a vulnerable BPD and he may be on the opposite spectrum than what I was. I explained that I was thrown into life early on, and I had to survive, so I couldn't be vulnerable and shy. I had to survive.

He actually said he could definitely see that; to my surprise. I said labels don't hold someone in place , it just clarifies what needs to be worked on. I said I would work on being more patient and speak up if I felt our relationship needed upkeep or change whether it was on my end or his and not wait until I was crying ( which was still an issue of mine), and he said he would work on his clinginess and angry snapping.

Happy once more, we started anew. He was great, He and I had relapses, but quickly regained the relationship back to steadiness.

He wanted to move closer to me . I own a house , and he rented. We were an hour apart. My son was just moving out of the house, so we decided to have my partner move in. I figured if he rented close by, he would be at my house 95% of the time anyway, and mortgage sharing was a good idea.

He started to act out the closer and closer it came to him moving in. I was worried, but thought his anxiety was kicking in and I wanted to be patient and supportive. He moved in and it was good for the 1st 3 months or so.  But unfortunately, he started to get clingy and jealous. He called me all the time, if I was out at the store or at work. He wanted to know if I spoke to anyone on a daily basis. He was tense a lot, but he would also be amazing and funny, and good hearted in between. I did discuss the issues I had , but he just said he couldn't help it. I pleaded with him to try.

Sex was amazing the 1st few months , but then he needed constant validation in all sorts of ways. He set up unrealistic hoops for me to jump through to prove my love to the point I was worn and constantly explaining myself. Then he was angry because, he thought, missing sex when I was worn down from his angry outbursts and his unkind words was not acceptable. He figured I owed him that. I was not happy with that type of outlook and said that he needed to show and give respect to me with kind words and to not suffocate me by trying to control all aspects of my life. I needed space to be an individual. He did not like this at all. He would do mean passive aggressive behaviors by messing up any household projects I would be doing, or picking and trying to start fights especially when I was off to work, in between work, out with friends or family, or holidays.

It then got into my tone of voice, my inflections, my eye movements, my body language, and even my thoughts that he thought he could read. It was horrible. It was exhausting. I gained cortisone weight of 30 pounds in 2 years and lost all excitement for life and hobbies. I was in survival mode once again.

He played rough sometimes and close to Thanksgiving last year, he yanked my arm behind me twice and re-injured an old injury he knew I had. Then a bee stung me on that side in my lymph node and I got sepsis in the muscles. I was bed ridden for a month. He took care of me, but it was robotic. ( No love in it) I had time to think ,and have space and peace during this time. I decided that after X-Mas I would talk to him. I asked him to either go to counseling with me or without me or we needed to end the relationship. He was not going to do counseling-"F" that!!! "

I lost 15 pounds bedridden, just by having rest and peace.

He was a rollercoaster of conflicting words and actions. He was full of both love, hatred and blame. He turned mean , but moved out in a weeks time. He tried  playing a few "games" by push/pull texts and coming back for some more things he left behind.He still has a few things to come get. ( That makes me feel in limbo and unsettled because he is so disregulated with highs and lows -mean and soft with little rational sense). He ran around the house with a hand gun , saying there were "meth heads" in our yard , peeking in our windows; I believe he did this to scare me and that I'd want him to stay to "protect me".(?) He cooked me breakfast and asked me to watch movies with him on the couch before he moved out. He sat closer to me than he had in months. He was sweeter than he had been in months, he wanted to fix things for me in the house etc... I told him to please not cook or fix things for me, I didn't want him to feel I used him in any way.

When he knew I was serious about ending the relationship, he was just plain mean, nasty, abusive in actions and words. Anything he could do to emotionally hurt me, he did. He was like a 6 foot tall child, with temper tantrums, but scarier. He wanted me to pay him money back for money he put into minor house fixes and other things. He said I used him, and I wasn't the person he thought I was. Anything to try and get an emotional response from me. I stayed numb. I was exhausted and just done.

 I found out from his Ex wife that he was actually diagnosed BPD and NPD 20+ years ago. He has moved in and out with women and his now adult daughters are leery of their relationship with him due to his ups and downs and bad relationships.Thus, he lied to me. I also believe he was cheating on me towards the end and contacting women on porn sites. ( Story will be even longer if I detail that part)

Funny thing is: I too still cry and miss the fun loving, funny , good hearted him. But I remind myself that I've gained peace, saved my health, got my freedom of individuality back ,and I have hope once again to be excited about life and move forward instead of being in toxic chaos.

I wish you a prosperous, healthy new year and a wonderful lady to grace your presence one day.

 Im going to abide by: Any 1st impressions in the 1st month of dating someone, from mannerisms, words, and demeanor - multiply it  X10 and thats most likely the real them. So small red flags or little odd signs are what they show during their "Good Behavior". Their "Bad Behaviors", will be multiplied in strength.