Advice on how to maintain relationship with niece (despite BPD mother)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

Just recently discovered this community and hoping for some advice on how I can maintain a relationship with my 3 year old niece, whose mother, my sister (mid 30s) has strong BPD traits (undiagnosed).

My sister has always been a little challenging to deal with but her behavior over the last six years since being married has only gotten worse. She has split on our mother, who I believe used to be her FP, and has been lying about her to anyone who will listen, claiming she is abusive and preventing her from seeing her first granddaughter. It’s been so tough for me to witness this, as my mom was the one person who always did everything to help her and give her the best possible life.

Over the years, she’s alternated between being very sweet with me and reaching out regularly, or being extremely insulting. Even just seeing a text message from her can feel stressful, as she often wants to complain about how other people (e.g. extended and immediate family) treat her and wants me to agree that they are horrible. The last straw for me happened about 9 months ago when she reached out to try and convince me that our mom was abusive, and was the one with the personality disorder and just said horrible things. I told her I disagreed and that I strongly recommend she get help to understand why she feels this way when her siblings do not, and a barrage of insults ensued, not just from her but from her husband. I decided to go no contact, but I really deeply miss my niece (who I haven’t seen since then) and absolutely want to be a part of her life and be there for her, but I really do not want the stress of reinitiating contact with my sister and dealing with all of her abuse. My mother is in the same boat and cries about it regularly. I have another sister who has never been close to her and is able to grey rock her, but they are very low contact, which helps. Any advice on how to see and be there for my niece without dealing with the abuse would be much appreciated. I already know that if I initiate contact, she will go on about what a horrible sibling and uncle I am (and how horrible our mom is) and how everyone around her agrees and can’t believe how awful we are and I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with that never ending cycle.

It’s just so tough and very few people understand, so hoping to hear from people in this community.

[Gcode606]

Hi everyone,

Just recently discovered this community and hoping for some advice on how I can maintain a relationship with my 3 year old niece, whose mother, my sister (mid 30s) has strong BPD traits (undiagnosed).

My sister has always been a little challenging to deal with but her behavior over the last six years since being married has only gotten worse. She has split on our mother, who I believe used to be her FP, and has been lying about her to anyone who will listen, claiming she is abusive and preventing her from seeing her first granddaughter. It’s been so tough for me to witness this, as my mom was the one person who always did everything to help her and give her the best possible life.

Over the years, she’s alternated between being very sweet with me and reaching out regularly, or being extremely insulting. Even just seeing a text message from her can feel stressful, as she often wants to complain about how other people (e.g. extended and immediate family) treat her and wants me to agree that they are horrible. The last straw for me happened about 9 months ago when she reached out to try and convince me that our mom was abusive, and was the one with the personality disorder and just said horrible things. I told her I disagreed and that I strongly recommend she get help to understand why she feels this way when her siblings do not, and a barrage of insults ensued, not just from her but from her husband. I decided to go no contact, but I really deeply miss my niece (who I haven’t seen since then) and absolutely want to be a part of her life and be there for her, but I really do not want the stress of reinitiating contact with my sister and dealing with all of her abuse. My mother is in the same boat and cries about it regularly. I have another sister who has never been close to her and is able to grey rock her, but they are very low contact, which helps. Any advice on how to see and be there for my niece without dealing with the abuse would be much appreciated. I already know that if I initiate contact, she will go on about what a horrible sibling and uncle I am (and how horrible our mom is) and how everyone around her agrees and can’t believe how awful we are and I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with that never ending cycle.

It’s just so tough and very few people understand, so hoping to hear from people in this community.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother disliked my father's extended family. It was mutual but they somehow knew to stay quiet about it and keep that to themselves. We didn't see much of them when we were little but by school age, teens, she seemed agreeable to us spending time with them during school breaks. My BPD mother didn't embrace the task of parenting and during times when school wasn't in session, I think my parents learned it was better for us to not be at home all the time.

It is because they opened their homes and hearts to us- they loved us unconditionally- that we became close to them and also to our same age cousins- and this has been a wonderful connection for us still.

For reasons I don't understand- my mother's family did not do this. We didn't form as close a bond. BPD mother also has alienated us from them and recently- they reconnected with me. Apparently they weren't as aware of the behaviors, but they are now. Their impression is that my parents were being distant from them.

A relative on my father's side once said to me she wishes she could have done more. What I tried to let her know is that- what seemed like a little to her was huge to us kids. Being a loving and caring mother is what was natural to her- she didn't think anything of it. Perhaps she couldn't do more but she did what she could.

I think that's the best advice I can offer- do what you can, when possible. While I don't think anyone needs to tolerate abuse- try to avoid drama, avoid emotionally reacting to your sister's behavior. Do what you need to do to maintain your own well being. Grey rock and low contact is an option, but if NC is what you need to do- then that is what is best for you.

A parent has more control over a younger child. Older children may be more challenging. The dynamics between your niece and her mother can change over time. It may be that you will have more opportunities to interact with your neice as she gets older. Do what you can, when you can.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD is deceased. There are so many people throughout my life including childhood who treated me with heartfelt kindness, some who actually got it that my mother was unable to be the kind of mother every child deserves. It even helped when other adults looked distressed at how my mother was treating me even though they could not do anything in that moment to help me. Whatever you can do for your niece, can make big differences in how she feels about herself and help her to realize that how badly her mother treats her is not her fault. Children who are abused often believe that the abuse is their fault and grow up believing that they are unlovable.

[FormerPariah]

So, I (53F) have a sister (51F with uBPD) who has two daughters, now in the their 20s.  When they were younger, every time I made any effort to do things with her girls, my sister would have a FIT, because I did not include her in our adventures.  Nevertheless, I took them to plays, dinners, concerts, we'd have sleepovers, etc. periodically throughout their childhood.  (I have two boys a tad younger than they are, so they'd often get to see how the other half lives...!)

I suspected that there were a LOT of crazy things going on in their home, especially after their parents got divorced.  They were 6 and 9 at the time, and my sister really started to spiral out of control.  Lots of drinking, lots of men in and out of the home, lots of abdicating parental responsibilities to our parents.  Their father pretty much punched out, in favor of trying to find himself.  Bottom line, lots of reasons for me to be concerned for all involved.

Fast forward...her girls are both college grads, and now both teaching at the same school.  They moved out just as fast as they could, leaving my sister alone.  Eventually, they opened up and started talking to me about things.  They found a very sympathetic, non-resentful, supportive ear, and now we have a phenomenal relationship.  Please just stay present, open, and loving for your niece.  It will not be easy at times, especially because she's so very young still.  Your sister will try to put up blockades when she feels threatened.  But hopefully the day will eventually come when your niece will see you for who you are, and not through her mother's very distorted lens, so that you may be a positive influence in her life moving forward.

I wish I had better news in the short-term, but I encourage you to stay strong and be there for her when she realizes how much she needs you. xo

[Notwendy]

Yes to long term goals. I am still connected to my father's side of the family- and so is the next generation- my children, my cousin's children.

Do what you can while your niece is little. As she gets older- goes off to college- and becomes independent- you can still continue to have a connection with her.