Why do I feel so much better now that my dad is dead?

[Nickerdoodle]

I didn't expect that at all.  My narcissist mother dies a couple of years ago and I never shed a tear.  Dad died almost two months ago and I grieved and cried and felt awful for about three weeks.  Then something strange happened.  The grief started to lift a little and I started thinking about the past with him.  I have had memories of abuse from him but I never let myself fully feel them until now.  I always felt mother was the primary abuse giver but I knew my dad was as well.  Now I am examining just what was his role and the impact he had on me and that is all good.  I feel lighter and happier about my life going forward.  I sure didn't expect that.  Has anyone else had their abuser die and find they feel better about life? 

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your recent loss.

I don't have abuse memories from my father. My mother has BPD and she's the one who is emotionally and verbally abusive. Dad was the one who acted more as a parent to us, and I was more attached to him.

But there was another side to this relationship- Karpman triangle dynamics. My father was a rescuer and emotional caretaker to my BPD mother. While my father provided for us, and our basic needs were well met, emotionally, BPD mother took priority. A main "rule" was "do not upset Mother" -- no matter what. We were expected to comply with her requests and also to not acknowlege her abusive behavior- we were expected to tolerate it.

Saying "no" to my mother would upset her. Boundaries with her were unacceptable. So here was the triangle: I wanted my parents' approval. All kids do. However, it was not possible to please my BPD mother. To get my father's approval, I had to go along with the "family rules". If I wanted to feel accepted- I had to be a doormat to her, not say no, and tolerate her behavior. If Dad got angry at us, it was usually because somehow she claimed we upset her.

When Dad passed, I felt a mix of emotions. Predominantly grief and loss. Then also anger, anger that he let my BPD mother treat us like she does. Then, odly, a sense of relief, which didn't make sense to me because I was grieving. I missed him. I still miss him. To me, he was the main parent.

The relief was that there wasn't a triangle with him. I could have boundaries with BPD mother. She would still react but I didn't have to fear upsetting my father.

The relationship between my parents was complicated. Probably for yours too. While one parent may appear to be the one with the disorder, there's also dynamics between them. People who are abusive aren't always abusive. They can be loving and caring at times too, which makes these relationships confusing. People who are abusive also can be victims of abuse. If both your parents were abusive, they likely were to each other too.

I think we are going to feel what we feel- and to not have judgment for whatever that is. There aren't any rules about how you feel at this time. For me, the feelings are felt at different times. Sometimes you will have a memory you need to process.

[Nickerdoodle]

Wow.  Thank you for that response.  It feels familiar.  I find myself periodically angry with him for not stopping her and then joining in from time to time. 

The relief was that there wasn't a triangle with him. I could have boundaries with BPD mother. She would still react but I didn't have to fear upsetting my father.

That is something for me to think about.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD is deceased. My father who enabled my mother passed away many years before mom did. Having both parents gone has allowed me to see how abusive the relationships with them were while allowing me to feel sad for how hard they tried to be the right kind of parents and just did not know how.

[Notwendy]

There aren't any rules for how to feel when losing someone significant to us. There also isn't a time line for how long we have these feelings. For me, it feels more like they come and go and with longer periods of time between the feelings. It's also been several years since my father passed away. Two months for you- that is still soon. While you may feel better now, don't judge how you feel either way. If sad feelings are there- then they are. If they don't happen, well then they don't.

Even if there are different and conflicting feelings at the same time- I think we can both grieve the loss of someone who both cared about us and also had their own struggles. I also feel that processing my BPD mother's behavior is less complicated than my father's.

[Notwendy]

BPD mother passed away last week. It's felt like an odd state of dissociation. I haven't even told a lot of people around me yet. Even talking to people seems to take effort.

I think a part of this is that, cognitively, I knew she was mortal. Everyone is. Emotionally though, I didn't believe this was possible. She seemed so powerful in our family, all controlling. We kids thought she had magic powers.

This doesn't feel similar to how I felt when my father passed away. I was despondent. There was a certain grief. I cried a lot. I've cried a few times but it's more like feeling ovewhelmed.

[Nickerdoodle]

Wendy Lady,

I don't know if I should say I am sorry or be excited at the release I suspect you are going to experience. You see, when I wrote before that I was surprised that I felt much better about my dad's death after only three weeks of him passing, I knew it was significant because I usually bleed over everything and feel sadness more intensely than what I suspect others do.  I don't feel that way for my family anymore.  In fact, I have been experiencing a justified anger at the crime scene of my childhood and even my adulthood.  He is dead now.  Three weeks almost exactly of feeling such sadness that he was gone but the body has a way of healing a bit after a time. For me, three weeks opened the door.  It flung it wide f'ing open.  I hope it does for you.  I am letting myself go through this angry stage.  I will not get stuck in it as it isn't my actual baseline.  How about that?  A wonderfully silly wet Labrador Retriever with a red lolling tongue running in the grass survived!  For now, however, this anger is mine and I trust it will serve a purpose as I spit it out.  I want to know this anger inside and out so look out.  Here it comes.  I will be posting a lot.

How are you feeling today?  I will be watching for you. Dr. Ramani says a lot of us can't be free until they die.  Happening for me.

[Notwendy]

I understand the anger- I also felt anger after my father passed. Sad, angry, relieved, grief, all at once or alternating.

It's only been a short while. Mostly, feeling numb and a bit spacy. I went back to work and while it is good to be back to a normal routine, it's a process. Each day feeling a bit more "normal".

"crime scene of your childhood" that's profound.

I think it's still soon. I'm processing it.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD has been dead for several years and my father several decades. I now realize that I did not get empathy or mirroring from my parents or most of my large extended family, which really has delayed my developing into becoming a person in my own right. For most of my life, I had no clue about what was wrong with my disordered family members though I knew something was wrong, and I shouldered the blame of being one of the many family scapegoats. The last few years, I have had many moments of so many mixed emotions: confusion, anger, sadness, appreciation for the people who did treat me with kindness.

Nickerdoodle and Notwendy,
Most likely you will be processing the feelings about your parents for a long time. The recent deaths seem to bring up the most intense feelings for long periods of time, followed by less periods of intense feelings yet some real intense "aha moments" as the years go by. My heart goes out to you both, as you now have the freedom to see your parents for who they were without the fears that they can ever hurt you again.