Hi everyone,
Following a suggestion from one of the members here, I decided to create a thread to share my story and hopefully reconnect with my ex.
For the full story, you can check here or read below:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059640.0I met my ex on Tinder at the end of October 2024. I’m a French airline pilot who works worldwide, and she’s Lithuanian, working in a factory. After chatting for three days, we arranged a date before I left Lithuania. She drove 100 kilometers to meet me and planned an amazing afternoon and evening, visiting a castle and the old Vilnius prison. I, in turn, booked us a great restaurant. From the first moment, there was a spark between us. It felt as though we had known each other for years, and things quickly became very intimate.
We decided to pursue a serious relationship. Things went well initially, but she soon began to doubt herself. She struggled with abandonment issues and had very low self-esteem. For example, she was convinced I’d cheat on her or leave her, despite me being fully committed. She would often ask why I chose her, claiming she wasn’t good enough or smart enough. She was also afraid of getting hurt and having her heart broken. Each time, I reassured her, explaining that I’m deeply loyal and give my all in a relationship.
For context, I’ve been working with a psychotherapist because I also have abandonment issues and a mild form of borderline personality disorder, which I’ve worked hard to manage. It’s under control now, and my therapist assures me it didn’t affect this relationship. That said, my abandonment issues mean I tend to rush into relationships, develop intense feelings quickly, and form strong attachments. While I’ve learned to temper this, the connection with her was powerful and naturally inclined toward emotional intensity. She, on the other hand, needed more time and space. I tried to adapt to her pace, though occasionally, she would also accelerate things. Looking back, I realize she often avoided communicating her needs or limits, likely out of fear of disappointing me.
Her low self-confidence, coupled with her abandonment issues, became the main challenge. She had a tough upbringing—alcoholic parents, extreme poverty, and only one prior relationship, which ended badly. That boyfriend had made big promises but delivered nothing, the opposite of me. At 29 years old (I’m 31), she carried the weight of her past. In December, she had an abandonment episode triggered when I called her 30 minutes later than she expected after my airline selection process. I managed to calm her down and even controlled my own abandonment reaction, as her anxiety had triggered mine.
However, her doubts began to grow. She repeatedly said we were "too different." Deep down, I could tell she felt unworthy, worried I’d leave her because she wasn’t enough. She struggled to accept love or compliments and had trouble expressing vulnerability—qualities that are the opposite of me.
We had planned to spend a week together in mid-January. She was supposed to visit me, meet my friends and family. While she felt pressured, which was understandable, I offered alternatives to ease her worries. She always ended up agreeing with my suggestions, though I now see it was likely because she didn’t want to upset me.
In December, I was in Mexico for work, and she was in Lithuania. On New Year’s Day, we exchanged greetings. But on January 2, everything changed. After saying good morning as usual, she suddenly became distant. She mentioned feeling overwhelmed by doubts and also revealed that her brother had attempted suicide. I asked if she was seriously considering ending things (my abandonment issues kicked in), but she avoided the topic, promising to call me during her days off. Over the following days, she grew colder, ignoring my occasional supportive messages. When she finally called, she opened up about her week, and we discussed her doubts. I reassured her, told her I understood where I’d gone wrong by rushing, and promised to work on it with my therapist. She said she felt we were “too different,” explaining, “You have money, you do what you want. I’m just a simple village girl.” I realized her feelings of inferiority were driving her doubts. She admitted having strong feelings for me, and by the end of the call, she thanked me for understanding, adding a heart emoji.
The next day, she sent a breakup message, saying she’d thought deeply about us and felt overwhelmed. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, felt we were too different, and thought I deserved to be happy with someone else. She admitted she had strong feelings for me but didn’t want us to suffer more down the line. She called me exceptional, caring, and loving, adding that she wanted to stay in touch and hoped we could talk, catch up, and maybe meet again someday. She said our moments together were incredible and would stay with her forever.
Her message triggered my abandonment issues, and I panicked, trying to convince her. But I quickly calmed down and told her I respected her decision. I assured her I wouldn’t contact her to give us both space to move on, but my door would always remain open for her. Over the next four days, she watched my Instagram stories, but after seeing that I’d returned to Europe, she unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me as a Facebook friend.
I sent her one last message, sharing my feelings. I told her I understood her doubts and fears but didn’t agree with the breakup. I said I believed we had something extraordinary and that our differences could complement, rather than divide, us. I listed the reasons I chose her and explained I was ready to face her doubts and fears together, at her pace. I assured her my feelings hadn’t changed and that I’d wait for her.
Three hours later, she blocked me on Instagram, Facebook, and WhatsApp. It’s been ten days since, and I’ve heard nothing.
My therapist, who knows every detail of our relationship, believes she likely has borderline tendencies, severe abandonment issues, and very low self-esteem. She also thinks our connection was strong and that the breakup stemmed from her fears, not a lack of love. I don’t want to give up on this. I’m not acting out of attachment but genuine love. I want to help her find happiness and believe we can build something meaningful, despite the challenges. It won’t be easy, but I’m willing to work through it with guidance from my therapist.
Thank you for reading this far. I’m open to any advice on how to reconnect with her and work toward a future together. Since she blocked me on January 9, I haven’t made any attempts to reach out. I feel it’s too soon for now.
