Trying to Get Courage

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good morning!  My mother is uBPD and our relationship is challenging at best.  I don't live in the same place anymore, so our relationship is mainly by phone.  Some days when I call, she is relatively happy and friendly; sometimes, not so much.  I have not called for a few days and I felt today was the day to make the call.  However, I am feeling a little depressed myself today, and she was not in a good place when I called last time, so I just couldn't make the call this morning.  I tried.  I picked up the phone and started to dial, but I had to put it down.  Not up to it.  And, I feel when I do call, it will be worse because I didn't call sooner. 

The thing is, she has a phone and my number and she never calls me.  Apparently, it is up to me, and if I don't make the call in a "reasonable" timeframe, then I am in trouble. And, there are only certain times of the day when I can call because the other times are not "convenient" for her even though she is retired and doesn't have much to do.

There is so much more, but today, it is just about getting the courage to phone.

[So Stressed]

Good morning!  My mother is uBPD and our relationship is challenging at best.  I don't live in the same place anymore, so our relationship is mainly by phone.  Some days when I call, she is relatively happy and friendly; sometimes, not so much.  I have not called for a few days and I felt today was the day to make the call.  However, I am feeling a little depressed myself today, and she was not in a good place when I called last time, so I just couldn't make the call this morning.  I tried.  I picked up the phone and started to dial, but I had to put it down.  Not up to it.  And, I feel when I do call, it will be worse because I didn't call sooner. 

The thing is, she has a phone and my number and she never calls me.  Apparently, it is up to me, and if I don't make the call in a "reasonable" timeframe, then I am in trouble. And, there are only certain times of the day when I can call because the other times are not "convenient" for her even though she is retired and doesn't have much to do.

There is so much more, but today, it is just about getting the courage to phone.

[CC43]

What a coincidence.

I wasn't in a great mood this morning because of some familial stress, and I haven't been sleeping well lately.  Then I learned that someone was complaining about me not calling them.  I was doubly annoyed:  first, by hearing the complaint via a third party, and secondly, because if the complainer wanted to speak, then why didn't they just pick up the phone and call me?  Is it always my obligation to call?  I mean, sometimes I can't answer the phone right away, because I'm busy, but I generally return calls within a perfectly reasonable timeframe.  So then I think:  it's not me, it's them.  They just like to complain.  I'm lucky if the only thing they can find wrong with me is the frequency of my calls.

Anyway, I understand the dread you feel about calling.  I don't enjoy talking on the phone the way some people seem to relish it.  It's too easy for someone else's negativity to cloud over my day.  It also seems to be a nuisance, an unwanted interruption in the day.  Those feelings would be an order of magnitude worse if I were dealing with someone with BPD, who are prone to outbursts and general negativity.

I'm not sure what to advise.  One way I cope with things I don't want to do is to (1) pick the right moment, when I'm ready.  Or (2), I "do the worst first."  By that I mean, I pick one task I hate, and I do it as soon as possible.  The upshot is that once I finish with it, I've gotten it out of the way.  Sometimes the dreading is worse than the doing.  When this is true, I recommend doing as soon as possible.  Another tactic is (3), set the timer for 15 minutes.  Go about the unsavory task for 15 minutes, and when the buzzer goes off, you're done (just be sure to hang up--you've got to go tackle your next task).  The rationale is, anyone can do anything for just 15 minutes.  And when the time is up, go reward yourself with a nice cup of tea or something similar.  Finally, (4), schedule the call in your calendar.  If you schedule it, your brain might stop ruminating about calling, because you know you're going to do it Tuesday at 10:30.  Treat it like you would any other appointment.

If you're worried about being drawn into the conversation with your mom, and having her negativity affect your mood, maybe something you could do is have a pleasant distraction.  For example, you could look at a fire in the fireplace, or you could look outside at some birds, or you could put your mom on speaker while attending to a small task.  With your attention partially divided, maybe it would act as a buffer.

Best regards.

[Notwendy]

At the time my father passed (this is several years ago), BPD mother had dismissed me (for lack of a better word) as she was angry at me. At the time, I could have gone NC but I wasn't comfortable with doing that. I had already begun LC- keeping an emotional distance. I also started doing 12 step work on co-dependency.

Basically -to be less codependent is to decide what I will do- regardless of her reactions. If I choose to call her- it is up to her to pick up the phone or not. I also have to do a check of my own feelings and motivations. Am I calling out of feeling willingness,  (doesn't mean want to- but am willing), wanting to- or out of fear? If it's willing or want to- that is being authentic. If it's fear- then that is more towards co-dependent.

Am I in an emotional place to be able to manage a call with her? This is important to consider. It's self care. If I am not, then I am more likely to react emotionally to her, the conversation may not go well. If I feel I am- then whatever she does - this is about her. We need to stay on "our side of the fence" with feelings. Her feelings are hers.

A wise friend advised me to call on a schedule- once a week, once a month- whatever that is. If she wants to talk or not talk- that's about her. If it's on a schedule, she will become used to it. If she wants to bring up something on another day, I can say "let's talk about this at the next call ( at whatever scheduled day that is).

One schedule was on Sunday afternoon. For a while, she scheduled something she wanted to do right at that time and she was unavailable. That was her choice.

The schedule for me is not regular now- and it's more frequent. That is because she is elderly and has had health fluctuations and she also needs assistance with various tasks. I don't live near her so I don't do the hands on tasks but she still needs coordination of things that I do long distance. Her communication with me is according to her needs- what tasks she wants me to do. I call her to check on her at times. Since her communication with me is based on her needs, I don't expect it to be different.

"Talking things out" doesn't work with my mother. Behavior does. I don't tell her I call on a schedule. She would oppose that and want it to be according to when she wants to. I decided the schedule and kept to it.

So here are some suggestions for you.

The schedule is for you. This way, you have a regular date and time where you know you will call. It's however you feel you need or want to do. This way you don't go a long time without calling her and feel anxious about that.

Check your own mindset. You don't need to be wanting to call. Being willing is enough. If you feel too depressed, then don't - but also consider that if putting it off will feel worse- best to just do it. A schedule helps with mindset just like it does with any other task.

Once you dial the phone- the rest us up to her. You did your part. She can pick up or not, want to talk or not. What if the conversation goes badly? Find some way to end the call without being emotionally reactive. I don't advocate dishonesty in general but a "Mom, I need to go, and for some kind of reason-(someone is knocking on the door- I have to go to a meeting- work is calling- some non emotional reason). Call you next time" and a hang up may save you both more drama and spare hurt feelings.

If the calling is one way- you do it, not her, don't have expectations. If you are calling out of your own side of the fence- because you choose to, that's enough reason for you.

[So Stressed]

Thanks so much CC43 and NotWendy!  I was not in a good place myself yesterday and fussing over the phone call that I felt I "should" make to keep the peace in my family.  I really appreciated your quick responses, which helped me to realize that I wasn't up to it yesterday.  The last time I called, it didn't go that well because my mother was not in a good mood, but at least I kept the call short and didn't get into any trouble.

I called today, and it went fairly well. She took only one shot at me and I dodged the bullet.  Everything else went fine, so that is as good or better than expectations.

[Notwendy]

Glad it worked out better and that you didn't react to the comment!