Didn't realize she wanted space to manage emotions, I want to understand

[UnevenPenguin956]

Hello,
So, I'm in a... relationship? with one of my best friends. We're kinda on a break at the moment, with plans to go on a date in a few months, because we needed time...
I have experience helping people with bipolar disorder and other disorders, and I want to be there to help. I know she needs space, now, but I didn't... and it made things worse. She was trying to avoid a split, and it happened.
I... don't know if I fully understand. I try to google, ask questions (asking her was another bad choice), talk to my therapist, but... Firsthand perspectives?
She puts a lot of work into being healthy. She has been in therapy long before she met me, and she continues to go. So she wanted to avoid this, she wanted to keep herself stable, and I pushed too hard because I wanted to know how she felt. I wanted to understand, so I could help in the future. Bordering on narcissism, since I wasn't thinking enough about what I did know about how she was feeling.

I know this can take time. I know she has devalued me, at least somewhat, because I gave her a reason to. But, I want to put the effort into fixing things, being more mindful of how she feels in the future, and working on things. She's still trying, too, and I know she is.

So... Can someone explain how you experience splitting? How can I be more aware? I know I need to give her time, I know that a lot of the time, what she's upset by won't actually be what caused it, I understand what I could learn from a google search, but... let me in your head, for a bit? She deserves better than this, next time, and I want to know how she feels. It can, hopefully, help me respond better in the future, understand more, help more, and not have to ask her, because she's struggling emotionally right now, just like me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UnevenPenguin956]

Alright, looking back at this, it was kinda frantic, and I can see why nobody knows how to answer.
Here's the real situation, summarized:
My friend stopped responding, needed some space. I didn't realize this at the time, so I kept asking questions, trying to understand what they needed and hoe I could help. I could have asked if they needed space, but I didn't.
Even after they said they needed it, though... I still tried talking to them. Terrible decision, and made everything worse. Theu said theycwere trying to avoid a split, and they did end up splitting on me. I know more for later, I've done as much research as I could, but... I'm worried that I damaged things irreparably. I don't have my therapist right now, who I'd normally go to for stuff like this, but I've scheduled an appointment for Tuesday and will be getting weekly therapy again, no matter how hard it is (I'm unemployed, on unemployment, and therapy is expensive)
They want me to wait until they reach back out, but I'm worried I've ruined things irreparably. If they've split me blck, how hard is that to hold onto?
I've learned from this, and I'll have the supports I need going forward, but what is your perspective on this?
Also... How does this feel, for them? I want to know what they're experiencing, more than just what's available on the internet already. They knew enough to recognize the signs, and told me they were trying as hard as they could to hold onto the good things... How does that feel?
I want to be a good support in the future. I want to respect them, to understand, and I can't get this perspective on my own

[kells76]

Hello UnevenPenguin956 and a warm

You're not alone in having the feeling of "did I push too far, did I break things irrevocably" -- many members here, past and present, have wondered the same thing. People get in, stay in, and want to maintain, relationships with pwBPD (persons with BPD) for any number of reasons, and here on the Bettering board, we respect that and look forward to working with members on improving those relationships... including in the area of "she isn't reaching out to me, what do I do".

Not sure if I just missed it -- has she been diagnosed with BPD? If so, when/how did you find out?

It does sound like your friend has some ability to "catch" things earlier than other pwBPD. It's kind of like when an airplane is at the airport. First it's at the gate, then it's backing up, then it's turning towards the runway, then it's taxiing, then it's revving the engines, then it's speeding down the runway, and finally, it's airborne. Many pwBPD (and their partners) struggle to recognize BPD behaviors until "the plane is in the air". Sounds like your friend is able to catch it when "the plane is taxiing", which sounds hopeful.

One aspect of BPD (sometimes known as chronic emotional dysregulation) that can be helpful to know is that generally, pwBPD struggle with managing all three of the following:

*High emotional sensitivity (something that wouldn't really hurt you, is excruciating to them -- your coworker didn't say good morning to you and you didn't even register it; their coworker didn't say good morning and they spiral into darkness and shame at being unnoticed and unimportant)

*High emotional reactivity (something that would make you react at a 2 out of 10, will make them react at a 9 out of 10 -- dinner burned in the oven, and you're bummed but don't yell, but they scream at you that you need to get a divorce)

*Long return to emotional baseline (you can get over something hurtful or reactive in 30 minutes or an hour, they might take days or more)

(I'll note that anyone, BPD or not, can have any of these factors; I tend to be emotionally sensitive, with a long return to baseline. These aren't diagnostic for BPD, more that it's three key regulatory areas where pwBPD really struggle)

The aspect that may be important in your situation is that your friend may have a longer return to baseline than you would under the same circumstances.

What that means is that the two of you may be mismatched in your timelines for reconnecting. You feel very ready to reconnect and make sure you two are "good". Your friend seems to be signaling that she needs longer to regulate and get back to a baseline.

When two persons have a regulatory timeline mismatch like that, you can't really pull a lever for the other person to get them to change (whether speeding up or slowing down).

What is under your control is how you manage your own emotions when you're feeling anxious, unsure, insecure, worried, and fearful -- all of which are difficult to feel  

It does sound like your pwBPD has clearly communicated: "I need more time and I will reach out later":

They want me to wait until they reach back out, but I'm worried I've ruined things irreparably.

One of the most helpful things you can do, especially if you'd like the relationship to continue and be healthy, is work on managing your distress on your own -- to become a stronger, healthier, more stable person for when you two reconnect. Not easy... but could be a good direction to focus on as you wait.

...

Also... How does this feel, for them? I want to know what they're experiencing, more than just what's available on the internet already. They knew enough to recognize the signs, and told me they were trying as hard as they could to hold onto the good things... How does that feel?

Really glad you asked this. We used to have a staff member here who recovered from BPD and would share her experiences.

This FAQ on How it feels to have BPD is a great place to start  

...

When you have a chance, check out those links, and feel free to share with us what stood out to you.

Looking forward to learning more of your story, and again, welcome  

kells76

[UnevenPenguin956]

Not sure if I just missed it -- has she been diagnosed with BPD? If so, when/how did you find out?

Yeah, she has been diagnosed with BPD for long before she met me. She has put a lot of effort into therapy, and has made so much progress with it, I'm really proud of her for it.

What that means is that the two of you may be mismatched in your timelines for reconnecting. You feel very ready to reconnect and make sure you two are "good". Your friend seems to be signaling that she needs longer to regulate and get back to a baseline.

My big worry with that is that she has said she gives up on people when they don't try, and... If we're NC for too long, I don't want her to feel abandoned there. Once she gives up on people, that's it. I've been putting a lot of time and energy into regulating myself (I trust that if she wanted me gone, she'd block me, etc), got back into therapy (I lost my job and stopped for a bit, which was a HUGE miscalculation), making sure that I can handle everything going on because I know to be healthy, I need to be stable. But I worry that if I'm gone for a while, that's going to be it. I don't know how to weigh those, and I'm leaning on the side of respecting her and waiting to hear, but...
All of this hit at a terrible time for BOTH of us, she has been going through SO much, and most of what she's currently dealing with aren't related to me.

I've been doing a lot of work on this since I posted (I've always tried to put a lot of effort into myself, and she has always been a good reason to be as good as I can be), but I'm still... stuck, without information.

I'm reading through that FAQ thread now, I'll see if anything resonates. :/

[UnevenPenguin956]

So... I've discovered some issues on my own end, which were at least somewhat visible to the people around me. I did end up pushing her into blocking me, because I couldn't give her space. That's my issue, a lack of trust in myself, which also explains... Most of the fear here, since I should have trusted her communication with me.
I've brought it up to my therapist, so hopefully I can get a handle on thst. If she comes back (which she likely will, she said I was blocked for the timebeing), I'm more equipped to handle everything, which is the point. It's not on her for me to be able to handle, and we both need to try our best.
I was less stable than I thought from my therapy, and this showed that to me. The best option is to work on me, or the knowledge and skills I've built means nothing. A castle built on sand will crumble at the slightest provocation.