What is going on?

[314rabbit]

My spouse has been wound tight pretty much all weekend. This morning before I had even finished my first cup of coffee, my spouse was falling apart at the seams about going to work tomorrow.

They started stomping around and screaming and I just continued to drink my coffee, wishing that I could just enjoy it with my spouse.

After awhile, I mentioned their medications. We fill out med managers together because we take a lot of supplements that we share and a few months ago my spouse started wigging out and making major mistakes with their meds. My spouse filled their med manager yesterday without saying anything to me. That's fine, but I said "we fill out med managers together, remember?" Which was about the most incredibly abusive thing that could have ever been said toy spouse as far as they were concerned. They then turned it all on me saying that I shouldn't be "relying on them" to fill my med manager.

So now they're pouting in our bedroom instead of doing any of the fun things we had planned for the day. I'm doing them all by myself now, which sucks. This sucks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[kells76]

That's such a disappointment, 314rabbit... so sorry your plans fell apart. You really wanted to spend time together, and doing those things on your own isn't the same. You want to have positive connection together... but dysregulation got in the way again, and it's one more day to grieve 

Hard to say what is going on, or "what happened". I was looking at this thread (How it feels to have BPD) earlier today, and these posts did shine a little light on the question of "what's going on":

This short audio is very helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302408.0

The speaker explains that family members without mood disorders themselves know that emotions are simply emotions that do not need to be responded to. This is not so clear to a person with a mood disorder.

The speaker also explain that family members also know that when they want to fulfill a goal, emotional responses need be put on the shelf so they can continue with the task at hand. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, doing this can be extremely challenging.

I found it helpful.

and

Dr. Gregory Lestor teaches:  

The person with BPD is MISSING a sense of proportionality in life events and consistent sense of self.

These are not attributes that exist and are able to be restored through processing past victimization, but instead, need to be built as foundational in treatment.

So, whatever issues arise - the proportions and sense of consistent self of the person with BPD is not established, thus, the reactions that are so difficult.

Molly

It helped me to realize that the lack of a stable inner sense of self is connected to the disproportionate, out-of-pocket reactions. There is no (or little) "self" there to manage appropriate and proportional reacting.

...

Has your spouse gotten back to a baseline yet, as far as you can tell?

[314rabbit]

Kells76,

Hey there. Yes, my spouse seems to have returned to baseline. We've been able to have a few pretty lucid conversations that brought them back to life.

It's so confusing how I can be considered the most evil abusive person alive, then my spouse is happily putting together a fish tank about an hour later. The swings are big.

[kells76]

Hey there. Yes, my spouse seems to have returned to baseline.

Good to hear 

We've been able to have a few pretty lucid conversations that brought them back to life.

Just so I understand the timeline, was your spouse mostly back at baseline before the conversations?

It's so confusing how I can be considered the most evil abusive person alive, then my spouse is happily putting together a fish tank about an hour later. The swings are big.

The picture I'm getting about you two (and each BPD relationship is different) is that your spouse is mostly able to get back to baseline solo, even after a big dysregulation, and that can happen in a "relatively short" (hours, vs days/weeks) time frame. Is that accurate?

I wonder if that gives you any confidence in your choice to decline to stay in the same space listening to horrible things about yourself (or trying to placate/plead/beg/reason), and instead to exit the situation and go elsewhere/do something else for a short time.

Knowing that your spouse calls you evil/abusive during dysregulations, yet is fairly lucid once back at baseline, it may be that the "least bad" structure for your relationship involves you not being present during the dysregulations/negative times, and returning to be together when things are more stable. It sounds like the timeline could be workable (hours, whereas if your spouse remained dysregulated or not at baseline for weeks, this might be a different problemsolving discussion). It might protect you from hearing those things, protect your spouse from hurting you with those words, and protect your relationship from that kind of damage (whether "intentional" or not, hearing that you're evil damages a relationship).

Not an easy journey... the "whiplash" is a real feature and it can be confusing and difficult 

...

Have you two been able to have some positive times/moments together in the last day or so?